When did making microwave popcorn become so complex, like with the Orville Redenbacher’s Real Ranch Shakeables?

For years, the instructions for microwave popcorn were simple, just like the steps for using the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie Grill or the video camera used to record your personal sex tape with your spouse, significant other, or some random person from the club, which you promise to erase later — just set it and forget it. When it’s done, just pop it out and enjoy it, or in the case of the sex tape, use it also for blackmail or possible internet stardom.

Today, there are microwave popcorn with added steps. With the Orville Redenbacher’s Shakeables, after the popcorn is done in the microwave, the instructions say that I have to stick it in a bowl, sprinkle on the powder from the separate Ranch flavor pouch, cover the bowl, and then shake the bowl to evenly mix the seasoning with the popcorn.

Ugh!

I don’t have time for these extra steps. If I wanted popcorn that involved that much pain, I would go to the closest movie theater, purchase a nine dollar ticket, buy a bag of five dollar popcorn, stick the popcorn in a muzzle, lock my arms and legs to the theater chair using chains and padlocks, and then force myself to watch Larry the Cable Guy in Delta Farce.

I’m not being lazy. Laziness is not wanting to go outside and mow the lawn or being stuck on a recliner, flipping channels, ending up on a Dora the Explorer marathon, accidently dropping the remote, unsuccessfully attempting to reach the remote without moving anything below your arms, then giving up and for the next six hours you help Dora with her quests, while occasionally reaching for the remote, hoping that your arm has grown slightly within the past 45 minutes.

It’s just that these added steps take away the convenience of microwave popcorn. We don’t need no stinkin’ bowl. That’s what the bag is for. The bag is the bowl. As for adding the seasoning and shaking a bowl, if I want to shake something I’ll make my way to a dance floor and shake my thang until the break of dawn. With regular butter microwave popcorn, I don’t have to add the butter, so why do I have to add the Ranch seasoning? If we have the technology to make microwave popcorn, the iPhone, and sex dolls that look real, I’m pretty sure we also have the technological know-how to add ranch flavor to the popcorn pre-popped.

Despite the extra work it takes to prepare the Orville Redenbacher’s Real Ranch Shakeables, it does taste good and has a strong ranch flavor, which reminds me of most ranch-flavored potato chips. Some people might think that the flavor is too powerful, so for those people I would recommend using less of the flavor pouch. The shaking of the seasoning in the bowl did create an even distribution of flavor, but I think that could also be accomplished using the popcorn bag instead.

Each serving contains 150 calories, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 17 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of protein, and a very high 550 milligrams of sodium. Speaking of salty, just like the breasts of most pornstars, the Orville Redenbacher’s Real Ranch Shakeables comes with only two salty bags per box.

So if you like microwave popcorn with a twist and are willing to do some dishwashing and low-impact shaking to get that twist, the Orville Redenbacher’s Shakeables might just be for you.

Item: Orville Redenbacher’s Real Ranch Shakeables
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good flavor. Strong ranch flavor, similar to ranch-flavored potato chips. Zero trans fat. Made with real buttermilk. The ability to add as much or as little flavor as you want. Set it and forget it. Popcorn is a good source of fiber.
Cons: Only two salty bags. Having added steps to microwave popcorn. Delta Farce. Using a sex tape as blackmail. Being lazy enough to sit through a Dora the Explorer marathon. Shaking my thang on any dance floor.

I must start by saying that I’ve never really liked Froot Loops. I was always more of a Trix guy growing up. I can’t say why, exactly. Maybe it was my sympathy for the Trix rabbit, or maybe it was because I never really understood the appeal of Toucan Sam. He was boring and dull, nothing like my buddy “Two-Can Sam” who earned his nickname through his method of drinking which led to alcohol poisoning. Perhaps I never really dug Froot Loops because my elementary school would feed me stale ones every morning.

It also could’ve even been the fact that my school district switched from milk cartons to milk bags in the mid nineties, forcing us to puncture the bags like savages. The milk went everywhere but in the bowl, causing me to dress the cereal with tears when the milk from the bag ran out. So maybe it was the horrible traumatization, but I can’t be sure. What I am sure of is that I no longer have to relive those memories, as Froot Loops now come in straw form.

“Straws…made of cereal? This is fucking AWESOME!”

What do you mean? That wasn’t what you were thinking? Okay, you’re probably right. On the list of “things nobody asked for, but we’re going to give you anyways,” cereal straws has to rank in the top five. On that basis alone, it was worthy of an impulsive buy. I need to drink more milk, anyways. I haven’t grown in years and the commercials say it helps prevent osteoporosis in women. I’m not sure if I need that second part, but you can never be too sure.

Upon perforating one of the two packages, the perfume of fake fruit and powdered milk permeated the air and tempted the taste buds (try to say that without sounding like Daffy Duck, I dare you). There’s something about unabashedly artificial flavoring that’s both charming and nostalgic…sexual, even. Alright, maybe not sexual, but something pleasant nonetheless. The straws were thinner than what the box indicated, looking more like real straws than giant-sized novelty pens. They are lined in the middle with that sickly sweet powdered milk that seems to be popping up in granola and cereal bars everywhere. Someone needs to tell these guys that it does NOT replace milk and that we can all tell it’s just sweetened coffee creamer. Fortunately, the flavor of that is masked by the Froot Loop shell.

The straws themselves are rather sturdy and hold up well to milk. They last a long time without getting soggy and do actually work as straws. They basically taste like Froot Loops, which is all you could realistically hope for. Sadly, the cereal straws live in a paradoxical existence; humans cannot eat and drink at the same time. Well…I guess soup makes us do that, but let’s ignore that for a second.

Once you take a single bite of the cereal straw, it becomes too short for drinking and the fun immediately dissipates. If you just sit there and drink the milk, you’ll just be wasting the straw as it imparts no flavor and is generally useless. Once you get to the bottom, you realize you have a half-soggy cereal straw with no milk to wash it down with.

God damn, it’s like a snake eating its own tail!

Alas, cereal straws are apparently too cool for the laws of this universe and exist only as fun, yet impractical novelties.

Item: Froot Loops Cereal Straws
Price: $2.00
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Froot Loops flavor and fragrance. Snackable without milk. Actually works as a straw. My buddy “Two-Can Sam.”
Cons: Ridiculously pointless. Extremely artificial taste. Alcohol poisoning. Daffy Duck’s speech impediment. Can’t drink and eat at same time.

(Editor’s Note: To understand this review, please watch this old York Peppermint Pattie commercial.)

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that my balls have been groped a little too long by the cold, gloveless hands of my doctor, making me cough more than I should. While my testes slowly crawl up into my body to get away from the doctor’s rough, cold fingers, I wonder if it really was necessary to take my temperature with a rectal thermometer.

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I’m sitting with a beautiful, intelligent girlfriend in the middle of romantic, candlelit Italian restaurant, holding her hands in mine and expressing my eternal love by whispering to her, “I love you dearly. When I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, but now I think you’re even more beautiful. I love everything about you. Your smile. Your eyes. Your mind. Your heart. Your soul. When I caress you, kiss you, or touch you, I feel only happiness that I never want to end. My soul is complete with you and I want to be with you forever.”

Then after pouring out my heart and soul, she says, “I’m leaving you because I’m a lesbian and I have you to thank for helping me realize that.”

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I wake up half naked in a bathtub of ice in an abandoned, cockroach-infested apartment and on a table next to the tub is an old Nokia cell phone with a half-charged battery and a note that has the carefully-written address of my location and the words, “We’ve taken one of your kidneys, call 911 immediately.”

All of this happened after meeting some dude with an Eastern European accent about a futon couch he was selling for $20 on Craigslist because he was moving to another city.

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I kind of got gypped. I expected them to be typical breath-freshening mints, like Altoids or Certs, since they were placed on the same shelf as all the other mints and gums. However, they are mint candy dipped in dark chocolate with a mint shell. Basically, they’re York Peppermint Patties in the form of Sixlets-sized balls, which I wish my doctor would grope instead of mine. There were about 30-35 pieces in the shiny, attractive tin and three York Mints have ten calories, zero fat, and three grams of sugar.

So if you like York Peppermint Patties, you’ll probably like York Mints. But if you’re looking for a mint to freshen your breath when you’re sitting with your attractive significant other in the middle of a romantic, candlelit Italian restaurant, holding their hands in yours and expressing your undying love, I’d suggest getting some Altoids and then bracing yourself for the possibility that you’ve helped them come out of the closet.

Item: York Mints
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: If you like York Peppermint Patties, you’ll like these. $20 for a futon couch. Craigslist. Zero fat. Pretty, shiny tin. Dark chocolate, albeit very little.
Cons: They’re minty candy, not breath-freshening mints. Getting a kidney removed without your approval. Un-gloved doctor’s hands. Anal thermometers.

When you need to make an important decision or come up with the next big idea, there isn’t a better or more useful tool than a monkey throwing poop.

Need to come up with a new twist on an old product? Need a name for your shitty Metallica cover band? Want to know if someone loves you or loves you not, but all the flowers you pick have an even number of petals? Still can’t decide if Rosie was an upgrade, a downgrade, or about the same when she replaced Star Jones on The View? Do you need to develop a new reality TV show that doesn’t involve singing, surviving, sexy singles, or selecting a briefcase?

If you’re faced with any of these situations, a poop-throwing monkey is what you need.

The only things I can think of that are almost as effective with making decisions for someone are Lee Iacocca, the Magic 8-Ball, and overprotective parents.

So how does a poop-throwing monkey work?

It’s actually very simple. First, get a monkey, which you can steal from a zoo, South American jungle, the Playboy Mansion, or animal testing laboratory. Then you need to stick the monkey in a room with targets on the walls. Each one of those targets will represent an idea or a decision.

Then you have to get the monkey to throw its own poop at the targets. You can do this by getting the monkey angry, but in a humane way, because I saw the movie “28 Days Later” and I don’t want to end up infected.

A humane way of making a monkey angry enough to throw poop is to make it watch all the episodes of “Flava of Love” which will make the monkey reject evolution and denounce the belief that humans are “superior,” since it will believe that it is more advanced than anyone on that show.

The new Twix PB possibly smells like the result of a feces-throwing monkey. I created possible targets that were used to come up with the idea of Twix PB, which are below.

Apparently, the monkey flung its poop to hit the targets for milk chocolate coating, chocolate cookie, and peanut butter filling and let me tell you that the monkey’s poop sure knows how to pick a good combination. The Twix PB has a stronger peanut butter taste and is more flavorful than the regular Peanut Butter Twix, which has a regular cookie instead of a chocolate one.

The Twix PB proves once again that the combination of just chocolate and peanut butter can’t go wrong and that poop-throwing monkeys shouldn’t be feared, they should be rewarded with food, because more food means more poop.

Item: Twix PB
Price: 59 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Stronger peanut butter taste and more flavorful than regular Peanut Butter Twix. Usually can’t go wrong with chocolate and peanut butter. Using a monkey to help with decisions and new ideas.
Cons: Cleaning up after the poop-throwing monkey. Watching “Flava of Love.” Shitty Metallica cover bands. Getting a monkey from a South American jungle.

I might’ve given the Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers a five rating if it weren’t for the frickin’ raspberries.

I don’t like raspberries, because I don’t like fruits that have silent letters in their names and makes fun of my lisp at the same time. But don’t call me a fruit-ist, because I enjoy almost all other fruits. Although I also really hate those damn Ugli fruits, because I’m not going to be what I eat.

Sure, cantaloupe sounds funny when you say it five times in a row really fast, but I’ll still eat it. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe. Honeydew melons don’t have honey or bees in them, but I’ll still cut one open and eat out its greenish goodness. Bananas are phallic, but I enjoy sticking a long one in my mouth.

Raspberries are also big fat liars, because according to Wikipedia, they aren’t even berries. How can I trust a fruit to give me delicious goodness when it’s totally not being honest to me? Why can’t the raspberry be more truthful like an orange?

An orange doesn’t lie, because an orange is orange. The only way an orange wouldn’t be an orange was if an orange wasn’t orange. So an orange would be lying if an orange wasn’t orange, but called itself an orange.

Despite my disdain for raspberries, I actually did like the Del Monte Raspberry Fruit Chillers, which calls itself a frozen fruit sorbet. However, just like raspberries, every Del Monte Raspberry Fruit Chillers is a liar because it calls itself “frozen,” but if you buy one at the store it won’t be frozen or even near the frozen food aisle. It’s found with the canned fruits, which kind of makes sense since it’s made from 3/4 servings of real fruit. In order to get them frozen, they have to be stuck in a freezer overnight or spend a few days in the bosom of a cold-hearted bitch.

Each package comes with four 4.5-ounce cups and each one of those has 100% of your daily Vitamin C and zero fat. Its sweet and slightly tart taste is very good and it makes a nice snack to have on a hot summer day or a masochistic snack on a cold, snowy, and blustery evening outside with nothing but a g-string and a pair of Birkenstock sandals on.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Matt at Colburn Communication for sending me a free pack of Fruit Chillers, although I really wanted the strawberry or mango one. Also, Lord Jezo at 78west liked them as well, but he tried the strawberry one. Lucky bastard.)

Item: Del Monte Polar Raspberry Fruit Chillers
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from Matt at Colburn Communication
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Despite it being made out of those damn lying raspberries, it was good. Fat free. 100% of daily Vitamin C. Made with 3/4 servings of real fruit. Four individual cups. Contains no artificial flavors. Does not contain high fructose corn syrup. Gluten-free (That’s for you, Mir). Saying cantaloupe five times really fast.
Cons: Raspberries are frickin’ liars and make fun of my lisp. Silent letters. Have to freeze overnight before eating. Being outside in nothing but a g-string and a pair of Birkenstock sandals. Ugli fruits.

Oh, Peppermint Altoids!

Your curiously strong powers have thwarted my plans for world domination time and time again. How can I continue to scare away pretty women, make babies cry and make salespeople regret approaching me with you constantly freshening my breath with your curiously strong minty powers?

I have attempted to increase my super stench powers to match your powers by not brushing my teeth, not flossing, not showering, not using deodorant, not changing my socks, and even not wiping, but my power-increasing experiments on myself have proved too much for even my dull nose to handle.

But recently, I have come across a compound that has the ability to weaken your curiously strong minty powers and turn you into a mere mint, like your weakling friends Tic Tacs and Certs. It is the kryptonite that will bring your doom, as well as the world’s. Muahaha. Muahaha.

This compound is dark chocolate.

Don’t you find it ironic that dark chocolate with its healthy flavonoid antioxidants also has the ability to cause harm to your curiously strong super powers, Altoids? Muahaha. Muahaha.

Don’t you also find it interesting that the word “dark” is in dark chocolate? Because when you’re defeated, the world will be a dark place when I rule it with my bad breath. Muahaha. Muahaha.

Oh, I can imagine it now. I can eat onions, garlic and a variety of fermented foods and go up to a person and talk to them using a lot of words with the letter “o” in them and verbally stress every single one: OOOOH, DOOOO YOOOOU KNOOOOW, HOOOOW TOOOO GOOOO TOOOO TOOOOLEDOOOO OOOOHIOOOO?

I could harm hundreds of people with that phrase alone.

Not even your curiously strong Super Friends, Cinnamon Altoids and Ginger Altoids, can stop me from polluting the air with my bad breath and making it very uncomfortable to sit next to me on a crowded bus or in coach class on an airplane. Muahaha. Muahaha.

So try and stop me, Peppermint Altoids.

Oh, you’re facing me head on with Cinnamon Altoids and Ginger Altoids? You’ve got balls, Peppermint Altoids, just like your Peanuts cartoon strip character namesake Peppermint Patty has. But I’ve got dark chocolate and I’m going to use it to weaken all of your curiously strong powers.

So how does it feel to be covered it dark chocolate in my mouth, my breath-freshening friends? Is it dark? It must be…dark. Oh, the dark chocolate is so delicious in so many ways, especially on you, Peppermint Altoids and Cinnamon Altoids. Muahaha. Muahaha.

(Seconds later)

W-w-what is going on? The dark chocolate is melting in my mouth.

NOOOOO!!!

Your curiously strong minty, cinnamony, and gingery powers have broken through my layer of dark chocolate, freshening my breath and making me powerless and non-pungent. Actually, except the Ginger Altoids, you’re kind of gross. I must flee!

You may have won this battle, Altoids. But you will not win the war. I’ll be back, and when I do, mark my words, you will regret it and smell it. Muahaha. Muahaha.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Marc at Hunter PR who sent samples to me a few weeks ago. Also, for more Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints reviews, go visit Candyblog and Candy Addict.)

Item: Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received free from Marc at Hunter PR
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Dark chocolate is good for you. Cinnamon and Peppermint versions were good. Once the chocolate melts away, Altoids can save the day with their curiously strong powers from bad breath bad guys.
Cons: Dark chocolate is temporarily bad for Altoids’ curiously strong minty powers. Chocolate melts away too fast. Ginger Altoids was my least favorite. Tic Tacs and Certs are weaklings. My thwarted plans for world domination. My breath without Altoids.

If peanuts were the measurement of being xtreme, elephants would be doing Mountain Dew commercials and Mr. Peanut wouldn’t be wearing a top hat and holding a cane, instead he would be wearing a helmet, riding a skateboard, and constantly cracking his nuts (or himself) while trying to do railslides down a set of stairs.

The Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme has an xtreme amount of peanuts. As you can see in the picture below, it’s frickin’ full of peanuts. It’s perfect for someone who loves peanuts so much that if it were legal, they would marry them, despite the fact it would be REALLY difficult to consummate the marriage.

To figure out how much more xtreme Snickers Xtreme was than regular Snickers, I decided to dissect each candy bar like it was a frog in a biology class, a cadaver in an anatomy class, or a female contestant on The Bachelor.

However, before I started cutting open each candy bar, I thought just dissecting them wouldn’t be xtreme enough. After all, I was dealing with a Snickers Xtreme. So I decided to try and do an xtreme dissection that involved me blindfolded. underwater without oxygen, surrounded by sharks, and using a live swordfish as my cutting instrument. Unfortunately, the bill of a swordfish doesn’t cut very well, but does stab very well, and I can only hold my breath underwater for ten seconds, so I had to settle for a regular dissection.

As you can see in the picture above the inside of a Snickers Xtreme is nothing but an xtreme amount of peanuts and caramel. In order to make room for the xtreme amount of peanuts, the Snickers Xtreme no get nougat, which a regular Snickers has.

Get it? Nougat! No get! Hahahaha! Oh, I think I just caused each my former creative writing professors to die a little inside.

Despite the xtreme amount of peanuts, I thought the Snickers Xtreme didn’t have a strong peanut taste due to it being kind of drowned out by the xtreme amount caramel. Regular Snickers has peanut butter nougat, which probably would’ve helped with the peanut flavor, but it would probably be hard to try and stuff some in the Snickers Xtreme, since doing that is much like trying to put a hat on Donald Trump’s head, because his head is the size of a blimp and his toupee uses its strand to keep hats away.

There really isn’t anything else xtreme about the Snickers Xtreme itself. Its nutritional value is almost the same as a regular Snickers. A regular Snickers has 280 calories, 14 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 5 mg of cholesterol, 140 mg of sodium, 35 grams of carbs, 1 grams of fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein. A Snickers Xtreme has 290 calories, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 10 mg of cholesterol, 110 mg of sodium, 33 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

However, after eating a Snickers Xtreme my life became a little more xtreme. You would think the probability of my life getting more xtreme because of the Snickers Xtreme is about the same probability of having a good time with someone whose number you found in a public restroom, but for a short time the most mundane parts of my life became xtreme.

For example, eating ice cream. After eating the Snickers Xtreme, I wasn’t chowing down on my favorite dairy product with a spoon, instead I took it to the xtreme by eating it with a ladle. My ironing was even taken to the xtreme. I didn’t just iron on my ironing board, I ironed on top of my ironing board, riding it like a surfboard with me ironing my clothes while wearing them.

Now that’s xtreme!

(Editor’s Note: Of course, for more candy reviews go check out Candy Addict, Candy Blog, and Candy Recapper.)

Item: Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme
Price: 59 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. More peanuts, if you LOVE peanuts and want to be together through sickness and in health.. Kinda crunchy. Temporarily made mundane parts of my life xtreme. Eating ice cream with a ladle. Xtreme ironing.
Cons: More peanuts, if you’re allergic to peanuts. Despite an xtreme amount of peanuts, it didn’t have a strong peanut taste. No get nougat. Not really more xtreme than regular Snickers. Not being able to do an xtreme dissection. Xcessive use of the word “xtreme” in this review. Donald Trump’s toupee.

Much like birth control, caffeinated products come in many options, its effectiveness varies from product to product, and is frowned upon by some Mormons.

For those who don’t know, I love sweet, sweet caffeine and over the years I’ve tried a variety of items that contain caffeine, like energy drinks, teas, mints, sodas, gum, coffee, pills, and candy. If I used birth control as many times as I do caffeinated products, it would be the equivalent of me getting laid every single night, which of course is the exact opposite of reality because I am totally not too sexy for my shirt.

Like I said in the first sentence, birth control and caffeinated products are very similar. For example, I personally like to think of energy drinks as the caffeinated equivalent of condoms — they are plentiful, come in a variety of styles and colors, and all of them are too small for me.

It’s a daunting task to be standing in front of either a wall of condoms or a full refrigerated case of energy drinks to pick out the one you like. Words like “twisted,” “pleasure,” “flavored,” “extra large,” “ultra thin,” “reservoir end,” “extra-stimulating,” “warming,” and “tropical colored” pop out when faced with a wall of condoms at your local drug store. (If not, you need to go to a better drug store.)

When in front of a wall of energy drinks at your local convenience store, there are also words that pop out at you, like “xtreme,” “energy,” “taurine,” “guarana,” “crammed,” “ginseng,” “juiced,” “double strength,” and “power.”

Both products even have warnings on them. On an energy drink can it says, “Not recommended for children, Richard Simmons, pregnant or nursing women, Charo, those sensitive to caffeine, or Robin Williams.”

On a condom box the warning says, “If used properly, latex condoms may help to reduce the risk of catching or spreading many sexually transmitted diseases and help control the stupid people population (i.e. anyone who has been arrested on the TV show Cops or anyone who has dated a hotel heiress with the last name Hilton), but unfortunately it is not 100 percent effective.”

Recently, I tried the Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews and I have to say that these caffeinated chocolates are much like birth control diaphragms — both are chewy, aren’t used by many people, and in order for them to work they need to shoved into a damp orifice.

Each individually-wrapped Buzz Bites piece is square, kinda smells like Cocoa Puffs, and is slightly smaller than a Starburst. Despite it smelling like the chocolatey cereal that makes a bird go cuckoo and young kids everywhere hyperactive due to sugar, its taste didn’t come close to making me go cuckoo. It was actually a lot more bitter than chocolatey or sweet, but I should’ve expected that since it only has three grams of sugar.

However, it did turn me into a slightly hyperactive Richard Simmons thanks to my Bedazzler and the 100 milligrams of caffeine each Buzz Bites has, which is roughly the same amount in a cup of coffee. It’s also got energy-producing B vitamins, ginseng, and taurine, which along with the caffeine probably gives the Buzz Bites its bitter taste.

Overall, the Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews may not be the tastiest way to get caffeine, but it’s probably one of the quickest. Now only if there was a chocolate-flavored birth control, it would probably be the tastiest way to prevent me from being some kid’s baby daddy.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Sarah at Vroom Foods for sending me a tin of Buzz Bites. She also sent me a tin of Foosh Energy Mints, which I think are much, much better and contain the same amount of caffeine. Also, Candy Addict reviewed the Buzz Bites last year. You can read their review here.)

Item: Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews
Price: FREE (6 pieces)
Purchased at: Received from Vroom Foods (Warning: Loud link)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: It did give me an energy pick up. A quick way to get caffeine. One piece has the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee. Individually wrapped pieces. Smells chocolatey. Birth control.
Cons: Bitter taste. Only six pieces per tin. The Bedazzler. Stupid people who reproduce. A caffeinated Charo, Robin Williams, or Richard Simmons.