Oh, if only Dr. Frankenstein used milk chocolate and Whoppers to create his creature instead of cadavers, then maybe everyone would have loved his creature, instead of running away in fear.

Fortunately for us, the Hershey company decided to use milk chocolate and Whoppers to create something that we could all possibly love and not want to burn to death with torches, the Hershey’s Whoppers Twosomes.

If you’re not familiar with Whoppers, they are malted milk balls, that are about half an inch in diameter and come in either a cardboard box or a box that’s similar to a milk carton. You can suck on them or bite them to get to the milky malted goodness.

The good thing about them is that they’re great to eat in movie theaters because of its chocolatey goodness, they’re easy to share, and they’re easy to throw at the screen when they show irritating commercials or a preview of the next Jennifer Lopez movie.

There are also a few bad things about Whoppers, like the malted milk can get stuck on your teeth, I can’t fit more than seven of them in my mouth, and they make horrible replacements for eyeballs and testicles.

The Whoppers in the Hershey’s Whoppers Twosomes were mini ones, which are roughly the size of BB pellets or my balls when I go swimming in really cold water.

The top of the candy bar looks like a typical Hershey’s chocolate bar, but the bottom of it has dozens of bumps from the protruding mini Whoppers, which reminded me of a few things, like a Nestle Crunch bar, my pimple-covered skin when I was fifteen years old, and the most confusing braille sign ever.

When I took a bite into the candy bar, the Whoppers dominated the taste of it, which was good, because I really like the taste of Whoppers. The candy bar had a similar crunch and texture of a Nestle Crunch bar.

The Hershey’s Twosomes not only come in a Whoppers version, there’s also a Reese’s Pieces version and a Heath Bar version.

Unfortunately, all three are limited edition candy bars, so once they’re gone, they’re gone…until Hershey decides to tease us again next year by reintroducing them as limited edition candy bars and then taking them away, making us want more.

I guess Hershey believes if this teasing works well for drug dealers, it should work well for candy bars.

Item: Hershey’s Whoppers Twosomes
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really good. Get the Whoppers taste without big chocolate balls in your mouth. Has the crunch and texture of a Nestle Crunch bar.
Cons: Limited edition. Back of candy bar can be used as the worst braille sign ever. My complexion when I was fifteen.

I remember those days when I was soft and chunky. I would wear husky clothing, be called a geek or dork on a daily basis by girls who could beat me up, and cry when those girls took my lunch money.

Oh, but how I’ve grown.

I’m no longer soft and chunky, instead I’m now sensitive and slightly overweight. I don’t wear husky clothing anymore, it’s now baggy clothing. I’m no longer called a geek or dork on a daily basis by girls who can beat me up, instead I’m called weird or scary on a daily basis by girls who have cans of pepper spray and use them to take my lunch money.

Oh, if only I was a cookie during my soft and chunky days, then I would’ve been just like the Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookies, big cookies with big chocolate chunks.

Oh, I wish I were a Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookie.
That is what I’d truly like to be.
Cause if I were a Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookie,
everyone would be in love with me.

But then again, if I was a Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookie, I would an ordinary prepackaged cookie, placed into plastic packaging with other cookies like me, and we would placed on top of each other, like we were prisoners posing for pictures at Abu Ghraib prison.

I guess being a Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookie would suck. Besides, they really weren’t that big. They’re only about three inches in diameter, which to me was still pretty small. Of course, my way of determining if a cookie is big is by seeing if I can stick the whole thing into my mouth.

If the cookie fits into my mouth, it’s not a big cookie. However, if I say the line, “If the cookie doesn’t fit, you must split,” then I consider the cookie to be big.

The cookies may not have been big, but they were bigger than regular Chips Ahoy! and they also had lots of chocolate. Along with the usual chocolate chips, these cookies also had chocolate chunks. So dare I say it had an orgy of chocolate?

I’m such a perv.

Anyway, because of the orgy of chocolate, I liked these better than regular Chips Ahoy!, but despite the the bigger size and the orgy of chocolate, I didn’t think there was anything special about the Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky cookies.

I just think they’re just plain and ordinary Chips Ahoy! cookies on steroids.

Item: Chips Ahoy! Soft Baked Chunky Cookies
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Bigger and better than normal Chips Ahoy! cookies. An orgy of chocolate.
Cons: Nothing really special about them. Chocolate chips and chunks looked alike. Is the exclamation point at the end of Chips Ahoy! really necessary?

(Editor’s Note: Thank you to all who participated in this month’s prize drawing. Winners will be announced on Wednesday, July 20th. Now here’s today’s review. Enjoy.)

Did you know, in 1984, President Ronald Reagan designated July as National Ice Cream Month?

To be honest, I didn’t know, until Impulsive Buy reader Lauren emailed me to tell me.

However, I do know July is National Baked Beans Month, National Blueberry Month, National Picnic Month, National Hot Dog Month, National Recreation and Parks Month, National Culinary Arts Month, National Cell Phone Courtesy Month, and National Hug Yo’ Ho Month.

So in honor of National Ice Cream Month, I’ve decided to review Dreyer’s Vanilla With Nestle Crunch Coating Dibs, which Impulsive Buy reader Richard recommended.

(Editor’s Note: Um, I don’t know why this is, but in some places they’re called Dreyer’s Dibs, while in other places they’re called Edy’s Dibs. I guess it’s just like in some places I’m called Marvo, but in other places I’m called That Bastard.)

What are Dibs? The best way I can describe them is that they’re like little ghetto ice cream bonbons, with a hard chocolaty coating on the outside and creamy ice cream inside.

The flavor of Dibs I purchased had a Nestle Crunch candy bar coating and vanilla ice cream. After trying them, I have to say that they’re just like most pop-punk bands I listen to, they were good, but there’s nothing that really makes them stand out.

Each container of Dibs has sixty pieces of cool, creamy, crunchy goodness.

Now sixty pieces may seem like a lot, but it’s not. Especially if you’re eating them during an episode of VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club 2. They’ll be gone in no time, not because they’re good, but because you’ll have too much fun taunting Gary Busey.

“Hey, Busey! You want some of these Dreyer’s Dibs? Here you go. Oops, they accidently fell into my mouth. Here’s more, Mr. Busey. Oops, they accidently fell into my mouth again. I’m so clumsy.”

However, I should warn you. If you do eat an entire container of Dreyer’s Dibs in one sitting, I would suggest you eat nothing but grass for the next few days, because one serving contains 99 PERCENT of our daily value of saturated fat (each container of Dibs contains 2.5 servings).

Of course, this means eating servings of Dibs on a regular basis, will either give you a heart attack or make you as big as the cows that the milk for the ice cream came from.

So eating a container of Dreyer’s Dibs may have been dangerous, but I ate one for the Gipper.

Item: Dreyer’s Vanilla With Nestle Crunch Coating Dibs
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Cool, creamy, crunchy concoction. Bite-sized. Taunting Gary Busey.
Cons: Nothing really special. Very high in saturated fat. Pricey compared with a half gallon of ice cream. Only 60 pieces.

After opening a bag of Natural Lay’s Sea Salted Kettle Cooked Potato Chips and smelling them, I felt eating them on my living room’s couch, while watching ESPN SportsCenter, in my stretched-out, four-year old Late Show with David Letterman t-shirt and surf shorts was not the right atmosphere to consume this bag of chips.

So I closed the bag, sealed it with a Chip Clip, and headed out the door.

About 20 minutes later, I found myself sitting in the middle of a crowded beach, surrounded by imported sand, beautiful women in bikinis, children laughing, and many failed attempts at sand castles. I breathed deeply and let the salty air, mixed with various scents of sunscreens and tanning lotions, fill my lungs.

“Aaah, this is a much more appropriate place to enjoy these chips,” I said to myself, as a bronzed blond in a string bikini passed by. “Even the sand in my crack feels right.”

I removed the Chip Clip and reopened the bag of Natural Lay’s Sea Salted Kettle Cooked Potato Chips and began chowing them down.

These chips were very different from your normal Lay’s potato chips. First off, they were noticeably thicker and crunchier. They were so crunchy that they actually drowned out part of the argument some couple next to me were having about how his eyes were wandering around the beach looking at all the other women.

However, I REALLY wished the crunchiness could have somehow drowned out the accidental sight of seeing a hairy, overweight guy wearing a blue Speedo coming out of the water, with either pubic hairs or the legs of dead spiders sticking out from behind his Speedo.

Ugh! I think that image will forever be etched onto my brain, but at least I found out the hard way that the water was cold.

The chips were pretty good and were a nice golden brown, but they weren’t as good or as golden brown as the cute Asian girl who was tanning to the left of me in a skimpy yellow floral bikini.

I would’ve gone and talked to her, but my paleness would’ve made us look like a set of salt and pepper shakers, and her buff, golden brown boyfriend next to her would’ve kicked my ass.

Besides being thick, crunchy, and golden brown, another thing that made these chips good was the sea salt, which gave the chips a nice salty taste that you could actually see on each chip.

Finally, the last thing I liked about these chips was the fact that there were no preservatives, no added colors, and nothing artificial. I wish I could’ve said the same for a trio of college girls that were walking up and down the beach, because their six slightly bouncing boobs looked totally fake.

Well at least the image of six fake boobs wrote over the image of the overweight guy in a Speedo.

Item: Natural Lay’s Sea Salted Kettle Cooked Potato Chips
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Pretty good. Thick. Crunch. Nothing artificial, like fake boobs.
Cons: Kind of pricey for the size. Overweight guys in Speedos. Sand in my crack.

When I was little, I used to think the Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney song Ebony and Ivory was about Oreo cookies. I would sing the chorus of the song over and over as I separated the white creme from the chocolate cookies and placed them in separate piles.

Of course, when I got older, I learned the song was about comparing people of different ethnicities to the keys on a piano.

Although, now that I think about it, the song might have also been a plea by the two singers to stop Michael Jackson from getting any whiter. Of course, we all know how that ended and we all probably wish someone would write a song to stop Jacko from molesting children.

Over the years, Oreo cookies have had different variations, like Double Stuf Oreos, with a double portion of filling and half the F’s; Uh-Oh! Oreos, with vanilla flavored cookies and chocolate creme; and One Bad Mutha Oreos, with chocolate cookies, chocolate creme, and dipped in chocolate.

Recently, Impulsive Buy reader, Janet, let me know about the new Double Stuf Oreo Peanut Butter Creme cookies, which have chocolate cookies and peanut butter creme.

Now I’m an Oreo purist, so I really love regular Oreos and that’s all I usually eat. However, just like ethnic restaurants and sexual positions, I felt trying something different wouldn’t hurt, unless it’s either live snake cuisine or the Standing Oral Yin Yang position.

The thing about Oreos is that there are several ways of eating them. You can eat them whole. You can dip them in ice cold milk. You can take two cookies, twist off the top of one of them, eat the top, and then combine the rest to form a Big Mac Oreo.

Or you can twist off the top of one of the cookies, lick up all the filling, go find Sally Struthers, get her attention, then throw away both sides of the cookie in front of her, and wait to see if she mentions something about children starving in Africa.

I put the Double Stuf Oreo Peanut Butter Creme through the same routine I would with regular Oreos. However, despite all the dunking, biting, twisting, and licking, it just wasn’t the same.

Now don’t get me wrong, they were pretty good, but much like Britney and Kevin’s marriage, the peanut butter creme seems to be the dominant taste and the chocolate cookies seem like they’re there just going along for the ride and spending the whole day watching television.

However, if Nutter Butter cookies makes your nipples hard, you would probably like these because the peanut butter creme tasted very similar.

Item: Double Stuf Oreo Peanut Butter Creme
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Very good. Peanut butter creme reminds me of Nutter Butter cookies. No trans fat.
Cons: Not equal to or better than original Oreos. Peanut butter creme seems to dominate the chocolate cookies. Standing Oral Yin Yang.

Wind, rain, sleet, or snow will not prevent a postal worker from delivering the mail. Those things also will not prevent my mouth from burning after eating the habanero beef jerky from Jerky By Art.

Impulsive Buy reader Chuck was kind enough to send me a package of habanero beef jerky. I think he sent it because he’s a sadistic bastard, but then again, I’m a masochistic bastard, so I was happy to receive it.

I believe the only way you can tell if something is really spicy is if it goes in spicy and it comes out spicy. Using this criteria, the Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky was definitely spicy.

While chewing on the jerky, it feels like there’s a party going on in my mouth, a Fourth of July party with lots of fireworks. Many hours later that fireworks party moves to my anus.

Once you stop eating the habanero jerky, the burn stays in your mouth for about 10 to 15 minutes.

Of course, 10 to 15 minutes seems like a lifetime when your mouth feels like you’ve just made out with Pele, the Hawaiian Goddess of Fire.

For some, this may seem like torture. But think of it this way, some people actually pay a few hundred dollars to be tortured by some woman in a tight leather suit who tells people they’re a good for nothing piece of crap that should be stepped on with her six inch heels.

Unfortunately, thinking of it this way didn’t help me. So while my mouth was burning, I looked for some quick relief.

I tried water, milk, cubes of ice, vanilla ice cream, and Pepto Bismol. (Warning: Annoying music will play on the Pepto Bismol site.)

None of them worked, but I think my masochistic side was happy with that.

The habanero jerky also made me cry and sweat at the same time, so for the past couple of weeks I’ve been only eating a couple of pieces every day, because I can only sweat and cry at the same time for a short period of time.

If I sweat and cry at the same time for long periods, I believe I will turn into dust.

Despite the burning sensation from the habanero, the jerky is actually pretty good and it’s not extremely tough like some beef jerky are. Plus, the jerky comes in nice little bite sizes.

However, the greatest thing I found out about the Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky is the fact that it makes for a great pick me up. Forget Mountain Dew or any energy drink.

Need to stay awake to cram for an exam? Need to finish a review for a quasi-product review blog? Put away the NoDoz and start chewing on some habanero beef jerky. The burn will make you forget about sleep.

Item: Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by Impulsive Buy reader Chuck)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really hot. Tasty. Not tough. Bite-sized pieces. Great pick me up.
Cons: Really hot. Burn lasts for 10-15 minutes. My masochistic side.

How many of you have wondered what would happen if you licked Yoda?

No one?

Okay. Okay. How many of you have wondered what would happen if you licked Yoda, in either a drunken or high state while watching Attack of the Clones, because that’s the only way you could tolerate the bad acting?

After this wonderful nugget of a question popped into my head, an avalanche of questions began rolling in my mind.

Would I get the same psychedelic feeling that people get from licking a toad?

Would I gain Jedi powers?

Would warts form on my tongue?

Would Yoda get turned on, light up his “other lightsaber,” and say “Long time, me love you?”

Also, what does Yoda taste like?

Well thanks to Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax potato crisps, I now know the answer to one of those questions. Apparently, Yoda tastes like dill pickles. However, this surprised me because I thought he would either taste like the swamp water of Dagobah or Bengay.

What also surprised me was the fact that the Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax potato crisps are actually good, if you like dill pickles.

It doesn’t have a very strong taste like eating an actual dill pickle, but I think it would make a great replacement in your sandwich. Just crush a few of them and sprinkle a layer on your sandwich. Mmm…Yahtzee!

Poor Yoda. From his look on the Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax container, I can tell he doesn’t look too happy that his dill pickle secret is out.

Unfortunately, as all celebrities find out, having no privacy and having your secrets being told is the price for fame. Look at Natalie Portman. There are topless photos of her all over the internet, real and fake.

Although, as O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake found out, a small benefit of being a celebrity is being able to get away with murder.

I’m surprised Yoda didn’t sense this invasion of privacy coming. Oh wait, that’s right. Fame is a part of the Dark Side. “Hard to see the future is. Cloudy is the dark side.”

Well I’m not ashamed of my unibrow, so Yoda shouldn’t be ashamed that he tastes like dill pickles, because it could’ve been worse. He could’ve tasted like cigarettes, alcohol, heroin, and bitch, like Courtney Love does.

Item: Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax
Purchase Price: $1.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Yoda doesn’t taste like the swamp water of Dagobah or Bengay.
Cons: Limited edition. Thoughts of Yoda’s “other lightsaber.” The price of fame.

I’m disappointed with these Star Wars Twisted Cheetos.

Not because of the taste, because they taste great just like regular Cheetos. Also, not because they make my fingers a cheesy mess, because I like to clean my fingers by sucking on them after eating Cheetos.

I’m disappointed because I was hoping the Star Wars Twisted Cheetos would tell me that I belong on the Dark Side of the Force. Instead they told me I’m on the good side of the Force.

So how did the Star Wars Twisted Cheetos tell me I belong on the good side of the Force?

When you eat a bag of Star Wars Twisted Cheetos, which look like normal Cheetos, they will either turn your tongue Yoda Green (good side) or Darth Vader Dark (Dark Side). I bought two bags of it and both of them turned my tongue green, meaning I’m a good guy.

Some of you maybe thinking that this is a good thing, but I REALLY wanted to be on the Dark Side of the Force, because women love bad boys.

Look at Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe. Both bad boys and both loved by women all over the world.

So I guess it’s true that nice guys do finish last. Well I’m tired of being a nice guy and I’ve decided to be a bad boy so I can get all the women to like me.

First, I’m going to get myself a tattoo and get a couple body parts pierced. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo of a dragon on my back and a Prince Albert (Warning: Link not safe for work.) because those things would really make me a bad boy.

Then I’m going to get me a motorcycle, because women love bad boys on motorcycles, no matter how ugly the guy is. Either a nice Harley-Davidson or maybe a street bike. Also, I’m not going to buy a helmet, because I’m a bad boy and I live my life on the edge, baby!

Ooh, I also have to get drunk at a bar, get into a fight, and get arrested by the police. When they arrest me, I have to be dragged because a bad boy would disrespect authority. If the cops beat me, I’ll just tell them, “Naw, that didn’t hurt. Do it again, beeyatch!” That’s what a bad boy would say.

Oh wait. I forgot.

I can’t get a tattoo or a body piercing because I HATE needles and I have a very low threshold for pain. I can’t get a motorcycle because apparently they don’t come with training wheels. I can’t get drunk because I’m usually the designated driver. I can’t get into a fight because I’m such a wuss that I’ll probably get knocked out by a midget.

I wonder what else I could do to be a bad boy?

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to MSNBC blogger and occasional Impulsive Buy reader Gael Cooper for introducing me to Star Wars Twisted Cheetos via her MSNBC blog Test Pattern.)

Item: Star Wars Twisted Cheetos
Purchase Price: 99 cents
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Delicious just like Cheetos. Licking my cheesy fingers. Makes your tongue temporarily change color.
Cons: I don’t belong to the Dark Side of the Force. I’ll never become a bad boy. The pain from a Prince Albert.

Growing up my mom gave me the nickname of “The Human Garbage Disposal.”

Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that, because I have a feeling that nickname is going to haunt me in the future.

Anyway, she called me that because during dinner I made sure there weren’t any leftovers, except when dinner was tuna casserole or liver. Of course, this explained the many years of husky clothes, but then again I was a bookworm during those years and my idea of exercise was doing 100 reps of turning the pages of Choose Your Own Adventure books.

Although the nickname didn’t carry on into college, the spirit of The Human Garbage Disposal continued and evolved. In the college cafeteria, where food was served buffet-style, my friends mixed several foods together and dared me to eat it.

Mixed vegetables, marinara sauce, corn chowder, and strawberry ice cream, all mixed into a bowl?

No problem.

Pepsi, mashed potatoes, apple pie, mustard, and croutons, in a cup?

I’ll drink that!

Puking never happened, but gagging always did.

However, after college, The Human Garbage Disposal almost completely disappeared. There were brief moments when it would appear when I was dared to eat a piece of candy accidently dropped on the floor or scarf down jalapenos with hot sauce at Mexican restaurants.

Recently, Impulsive Buy reader Damon dared me to eat a can of Olestra-laced Fat Free Pringles. After what happened to me with the Olestra-ted Ruffles Light, I knew this might be something only the Human Garbage Disposal could accomplish.

Fat Free Pringles aren’t a new product. I believe they were one of the first products with Olestra. Ever since they were released, I’ve never really had the urge to try them because they were twice the price of regular Pringles. Thanks to you, Damon, I now had the urge to try them.

The problem with Pringles is the fact that once you pop, you can’t stop. There have been several occasions when I have eaten an entire can of Pringles in one sitting. This time didn’t turn out to be one of those occasions, because I’m now older, wiser, and I thought I was running out of toilet paper.

So while watching VH1’s Remaking: Vanilla Ice, I popped open a can of Fat Free Pringles and began chomping it down chip-by-chip.

I also began to recreate those dance moves Vanilla Ice used to do, like that one move where he would just hump the floor and the other one that involved him shaking his head violently like bobblehead doll, while doing the Running Man.

Before I knew it, I had gone through half the can of Fat Free Pringles and solidified my title as, “Worst Dancer Ever.”

I couldn’t believe I ate half the can, because the Fat Free Pringles didn’t taste very good. It didn’t even come close to tasting like regular Pringles. Heck, it didn’t even come close to tasting like Reduced Fat Pringles.

Despite eating half the can in one sitting and finished up the rest of the Fat Free Pringles the next day, I surprisingly didn’t find myself spending a lot of time on the crapper. Actually, all I experienced was some bad gas.

I don’t know if my time spent digesting the Ruffles Light potato chips made my stomach stronger or if I got a dud can of Fat Free Pringles, but either way that can of Fat Free Pringles was definitely my first AND last can.

Item: Original Fat Free Pringles
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: No exploding anus. Zero grams of fat. Zero milligrams of cholesterol.
Cons: Twice the price of regular Pringles. Doesn’t even come close to tasting like regular Original Pringles. Some gas. My title as, “Worst Dancer Ever.”

I thought I had accumulated enough good karma to prevent something like this.

I didn’t have to open doors for those strangers. I didn’t have to help those tourists who asked me for directions. I could’ve ignored them or said, “Me speaka no Englesh.”

I could’ve laughed and pointed at all those people who fell, tripped, or slipped in front of me, instead of offering them help and seeing if they were all right.

But I didn’t do it because I wanted to accumulate a ton of credits in my good karma bank account. I did all those good things just so I could avoid bad things, like eat a bag of Ruffles Light Potato Chips.

Oh, they tasted much like regular Ruffles and they were less greasy, but any product that turns my ass into a volcano can’t be good. R-R-Ruffles Have R-R-Ridges! R-R-Ruffles Light Causes R-R-Rectal Er-r-ruptions!

If only I were bulimic, all the time spent on the porcelain bowl would’ve meant something.

Although, I should’ve known it was too good to be true. I knew there must have been some kind of catch. How can a potato chip be fat free and have half the calories of its regular counterpart, and yet still taste the same?

Well I found out the truth the hard way.

Who knew Olean was another name for Olestra?

Olean. Olestra. Oh crap…literally!

For those of you who are not familiar with the possible side effects of Olestra, they are: diarrhea, gas, and cramps. I experienced two out of the three, which no matter how you look at it, is a horrible ratio.

Hitting two out of three free throws…good. Getting two hits in three at bats…good. Getting two out of three Olestra side effects…bad…very bad.

At least I didn’t experience another one of Olestra’s side effects, anal leakage. My Jockey Next to Nothing Boxer Briefs were very thankful.

I guess it didn’t help I ate half of the bag in one sitting, while watching Behind the Music: Guns N’ Roses for the sixth time.

I noticed something was wrong when I started having lots of gas. If the amount of gas I was putting out could fuel cars, I could’ve easily dropped gas prices by a dollar.

Then came the constant trips to the bathroom. For two straight days, I attempted to go running, but within five minutes I found myself running to the nearest restroom.

It wasn’t pretty. Even as I type this, I’m still experiencing some the effects of the Ruffles Light, which I finished off on Sunday.

What the hell do I have to do to earn enough good karma to prevent something like this from happening again? Do I have to get Jen and Brad back together? Take down Walmart? Or rescue Britney’s baby shortly after it’s born?

Item: Ruffles Light
Purchase Price: $3.39
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes similar to regular Ruffles. Zero-fat. Low-calorie. No anal leakage.
Cons: Bag smaller than regular Ruffles. Not enough karma credits. Olestra. May cause excessive use of toilet paper. May cause excessive gas.

A couple weeks ago Impulsive Buy reader, James, emailed me to tell me about the Limited Edition Jalapeno Pringles. After I read his email, I really wanted to find them, because I’m a sucker for limited edition items.

So far with these Limited Edition Pringles, it’s been hit or miss. I’ve tried two Limited Edition flavors: Ketchup Pringles (which were pretty dang good) and Salt & Pepper Pringles (which were pretty dang bad).

If I was going to find these Jalapeno Pringles, I knew there was only one place I would find them: The gigantic, small-business destroying, rollback-price-advertising behemoth, known as Walmart.

I don’t really like going to Walmart, because I heard that every time someone shops at Walmart, a part of their soul leaves them. Also, I heard that every time someone shops at Walmart, the eyes of a Walton family member spin like a slot machine and when they stop, dollar signs appear and they yell “Ka-ching!”

Anyway, I went into Walmart with only the Jalapeno Pringles on my shopping list and I wasn’t going to buy anything else. I headed to the snack aisle and, fortunately, they had them in stock. Plus, they were only 99 cents. I found what I was looking for and I tried to head towards the cashiers, but something suddenly came over me.

“Oooh, Star Wars cereal! I have to buy that,” I said to myself.

“Oooh, Limited Edition Southwestern Salsa Pringles! It’s only 99 cents!”

“Clorox Toilet Wand? Hey, it’s on sale!”

“36 count box of lubricated Trojan condoms? I’ll never get the chance to use them, but they’re so cheap.”

It was like a quasi-product review blog editor’s wet dream, except it was real and I didn’t want it to happen.

When I finally got to the cashier, my total turned out to be over fifty dollars.

DAMMIT! Damn you, Walmart! Damn you!

Anyway, I was looking forward to trying the Jalapeno Pringles because I like spicy foods and I was hoping these Pringles would be as spicy as the Fiery Hot Pringles. There are many ways to determine how spicy something is, but the best way come from a wise man who once said, “The true test of spicy food is if it goes in spicy and it comes out spicy.”

Well the Jalapeno Pringles were spicy going in, but not as spicy hot as the Fiery Hot Pringles and it didn’t come out spicy. However, the artificial Jalapeno flavor was pretty good and somewhat authentic.

(Note to the Pringles Gods: Please make habanero-flavored Pringles.)

So are the Jalapeno Pringles worth going back to Walmart for?

Yeah, I would go back and pick up more, but only if I bring the exact amount in my wallet and leave all my credit or debit cards at home.

Item: Jalapeno Pringles
Purchase Price: 99 cents
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Nice taste. Spicy. Cheap at Walmart.
Cons: Walmart. Not as spicy as I hoped. Had to shop at Walmart. Spent more than I wanted at Walmart. Limited Edition.

(Editor’s Note: The winners of this month’s prize drawing have been selected. Their names have been posted in the right column. Congratulations to them and thanks to everyone who participated.)

Psst. Cookie Monster.

I read they’re cutting back your cookie consumption. That’s too bad, after all, you’re THE Cookie Monster.

I don’t understand why they’re doing this to you, it’s not your fault kids are getting fat. You should go on TV and point fingers at the fast food industry, the lack of physical education in schools, or SpongeBob SquarePants. People are blaming SpongeBob for other things, so you should just peg this one on him as well.

Anyway, so are you having withdrawals? It must be hard on you to not be able to eat cookies all the time. Addictions can be hard to break. Look at Charlie Sheen. He couldn’t stop his hooker addiction for that hottie Denise Richards.

To be honest, you eating cookies all the time wasn’t so bad. You’ve eaten them for decades and you’re not obese, you’ve never had a heart attack, and you don’t have diabetes. So I don’t understand why you NOW need to eat a balanced diet. You’re like those old men who eat bacon for every meal, smoke cigars everyday, and live until they’re 90 years old.

Well, because you and I have a lot in common, like loving cookies, having googly eyes, and hairy chests, especially around the nipple area, I’m going to help you out.

I just baked some Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies, and if you want some, I could send a dozen of them to you…for a price.

I know you’ve got money, because you’ve been on television for decades. You must be raking in, at least, a hundred thousand dollars an episode.

And don’t give me that non-profit PBS excuse, I’m sure you also get residuals from all the 120 foreign markets Sesame Street is in. Oh, and let’s not forget the money you’re making from all the merchandising.

I know you don’t make as much as Big Bird or that annoying Elmo, but you’re probably making more than Grover, Mr. Snuffleupagus, and those two lovebirds, Bert and Ernie.

If you’re interested, I’ve got a plan to get these cookies to you without your fellow Sesame Street neighbors finding out.

I’ll give the cookies to those hippies down in Fraggle Rock and they could dig a tunnel to your place and deliver the cookies to you. They’re not doing anything, except getting high, because their show ended in 1987.

Wait, on second thought, that might be a bad idea. Some of them might have a bad case of the munchies and eat your cookies before they deliver them to you.

Maybe I’ll just mail them, wrapped in coffee beans so no one can smell the cookies.

So you’re probably wondering how’s the product?

These Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies are good. They’re definitely better than those Chips Ahoy cookies, but they aren’t as good or as big as the Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics I tried last month.

I know you like the traditional crunchy chocolate chip cookies, so I don’t know if you’ll really like these because the caramel filling in each cookie makes them a lot chewier and sweeter. To be honest, the caramel made them a little too sweet for me, but I don’t think you’ll notice it because you don’t ever chew your cookies anyway, you just inhale them.

Or, if you like, I can just send you the cookie dough for you to bake. These cookies are quick and easy. Just break off the globs of cookie dough, place them on a baking pan, and bake them at 350 degrees for 13 minutes.

However, if you decide to go the cookie dough route, the aroma from baking them could tip people off to what you’re up to and you might get into trouble. If you like, I could throw in a little incense, for an extra fee, to cover the baking smell.

Anyway, if you want this deal done, you know how to contact me.

Just to let you know, I expect half the payment up front, and the other half after delivery.

Item: Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Quick and easy to bake. If you like chewy cookies, the caramel makes them chewy.
Cons: The caramel filling made them a little too sweet. Cookie Monster eating a balanced diet. My hairy nipples.

The other week, Impulsive Buy reader Emily sent me an email asking if I could review the new Reese’s Cookies. I instantly agreed because she claimed they were so good that they would give me an orgasm (1), and I am not one to miss out on an orgasm (2).

Although, after thinking about it, I began to hope that trying to orgasm (3) from the Reese’s Cookies wouldn’t turn out like the last product that someone claimed would give me an orgasm (4).

Remember those Herbal Essences shampoos? You know, the one with the commercials that have a beautiful woman having an orgasm (5) while washing her hair? Well I remember seeing that commercial and thinking if the Herbal Essences could make a woman have an orgasm (6) that easily, it must be damn quick on a guy.

However, after two weeks of washing my hair with it, I didn’t orgasm (7) once. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me biologically. Then I thought maybe I had to wash my hair longer. Or maybe I needed some kind of instrument to help. Despite all of my washing efforts, I didn’t have an orgasm (8).

However, a few months later I did orgasm (9) using the Herbal Essences shampoo, while looking through a Victoria’s Secret catalog. But it didn’t happen while washing my hair. It happened while “washing” my…

Oh wait, I think this is a bit too much information. I’m sorry, just ignore the last paragraph.

Anyway, finding the Reese’s Cookies turned out to be harder than trying to orgasm (10) while washing your hair with Herbal Essences shampoo. I checked all the usual places I shop at, but I couldn’t find them. I began thinking that the Reese’s Cookies were so good that people everywhere were buying them as quickly as the stores could put them on the shelves.

Then finally, this past weekend, while shopping for Herbal Essences shampoo, I found a box that contained Reese’s Cookies 4-packs. Fortunately for me, there were two packs left in the box. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and then grabbed the two packs like I was Cookie Monster.

Me want COOKIE!!!

When I got home I placed one of the packs into the freezer, like our friends at The Message Whore suggested (who also REALLY liked the Reese’s Cookies), and eagerly ripped open the other pack. Each cookie consists of a crunchy chocolate cookie and a layer of peanut butter on top of it, with everything dipped in milk chocolate. It looked DAMN good and smelled DAMN good.

I quickly popped an entire cookie into my mouth. “Oh-oh-oh my goodness,” I thought to myself. “These are DAMN good, but where’s the orgasm (11)?”

“Maybe it was a dud cookie,” I said and then ate the rest of the pack, but again nothing happened.

Maybe I had to chew more slowly. Or let it melt in my mouth. Or look through a Victoria’s Secret catalog while eating them. However, I tried all of those things with the second pack of Reese’s Cookies I pulled out of the freezer, but still didn’t have an orgasm (12).

Although I didn’t have an orgasm (13), I wasn’t disappointed. The Reese’s Cookies were VERY satisfying and I wished I had more. They are so good, if the Girl Scouts made cookies exactly like these, Thin Mints would definitely be their bitch.

Yes, they are that good.

Orgasm (14).

Item: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies
Purchase Price: 99 cents (4-pack)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Really, really, really good. DAMN good! Victoria’s Secret catalogs. Eating them might cause an orgasm (15) for some.
Cons: I didn’t get an orgasm (16) from them. Maybe difficult to find, because they are so good.

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to Jim from Snooze Button Dreams for winning this month’s prize drawing for a $15 iTunes Gift Card. Thank you to all of you who participated.

Now here’s today’s review. Enjoy.)

I’m not good with things that require knowledge.

For example, the game show Jeopardy. I totally suck at it. If I had to play against Ken Jennings, he would pull me across his lap, pull my pants down, and spank me badly. Also, I honestly believe that Alex Trebek’s old mustache knows waaay more than me.

Then there’s Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? If Regis Philbin was still hosting, he’d be yelling at me. Not the crazy, happy “You just won $32,000!” yelling that he usually does, more like “You are a moron!” yelling.

Oh, and let’s not forget The Weakest Link. If I ended up on that show, I would totally be Anne Robinson’s bitch.

Sure, I could acquire knowledge through such things as books, the Internet, newspapers, magazines, and television, but books are for nerds, the Internet is for porn, newspapers are for lining bird cages, I only pick up magazines for the pictures, and my brain shuts off when watching television.

However, recently I came across Pringles Prints. They look and taste like regular Pringles, except on each chip there’s a trivia question and its answer printed with blue ink (which doesn’t affect the taste).

Holy crap! I can learn from one of my favorite all-time snacks?

Why couldn’t they have done this for the Russian class I failed in college? Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!

Despite being excited about finding a way to acquire knowledge through Pringles, I was disappointed that I happened to have picked up the Daytona 500 edition of Pringles Prints.

Now, if there was a topic that I wouldn’t want to know anything about, it would be the Daytona 500. No offense to you NASCAR fans out there, but I’m more of a baseball, college basketball, women’s figure skating, and women’s bodybuilding kind-of-guy.

So instead of questions about the Daytona 500, I wish on these Pringles Prints there were questions and answers that many people want to know, like:

1. What is the Gaian Theory?
2. Who are the members of the G-G-G-G-Unit?
3. What happened to Tiffany-Amber Thiessen’s career?
4. Has there been any moment this year that Anna Nicole Smith hasn’t been drunk?
5. Where do babies come from?

If they had Pringles Prints like that, I believe becoming a member of Mensa is definitely in my future, or at least, maybe I’ll get my ass kicked less in Trivial Pursuit.

Item: Pringles Prints: Daytona 500
Purchase Price: $1.13
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: It’s original Pringles-flavored and you can’t go wrong with that. Perfect for NASCAR fans.
Cons: Questions were on a topic I’m not interested in learning. Hand got stuck in Pringles can…again. Stupid can!

To celebrate Martha Stewart’s release from prison, I decided to bake cookies. So while watching CNN’s live coverage of her first day back working at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, I put down my koa wood framed 8×10 photo of Martha and brought out the baking pan from my Martha Stewart Everyday Nonstick 5-Piece Baking Set.

Unfortunately, after a horrible brownie baking accident, which involved me not adding any eggs to the brownie mixture and creating the hardest baked goods ever, I’ve stopped baking things from scratch.

Besides, when you bake from scratch you have to worry about fractions, and I suck at fractions.

So instead of making the cookies from scratch, I opened up a package of Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics, with which I could bake a dozen cookies. I know Martha would kill me if she found out I wasn’t going to bake these cookies from scratch. After all, I’m sure she learned how to kill in prison.

I wonder if she’ll teach us how to kill on a future episode of Martha Stewart Living.

By the way, did you see how hot Martha looks now? Damn! Total MILF!

If I was in the kitchen with her and I had a wooden spoon in my hands, I would totally spank her ass with it. If only I was under house arrest with her. Sigh.

Wait, was that too much information for you? Sorry.

Anyway, after washing my hands and drying them using the hand towel from my Martha Stewart Everyday 5-Star Egyptian Cotton Basketweave Towel Set I placed the twelve cookie dough rounds on top of the ungreased baking pan, leaving them about two inches apart from each other.

Then I placed the baking pan into the oven, which was preheated at 350 degrees fahrenheit. Fifteen minutes later, I had cookies that even Martha would be proud of, if she didn’t know they weren’t made from scratch.

After letting them cool for a few minutes, I grabbed one of the smaller plates from my Martha Stewart Everyday Classic White 16-Piece Ceramic Dinnerware Set so that I wouldn’t get crumbs all over the place as I ate my freshly baked cookies, while Martha talked about her experiences in prison.

Oh, these cookies were good. Every bite had some chocolate goodness. I guess it helped that along with the regular semi-sweet and milk chocolate chips, there were also mini, semi-sweet Hershey’s Kisses added to the cookie dough. It basically was an orgy of chocolate.

After eating half a cookie, I realized I was missing something very important…MILF…I mean, milk.

So I pulled out from the cupboard one of the glasses from my Martha Stewart Everyday 12-Piece Butterfly Glassware Set and poured myself some milk, so that I could dunk the warm cookies into it.

Oh, Martha would be so proud!

When I was done, I put the rest of the cookies in one of the square 5-cup food containers from my Martha Stewart Everyday 48-Piece Airtight Food Container Set, so that I may enjoy the cookies later on.

Overall, these Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics were very good. Or as Martha would say, “It’s a good thing.”

Item: Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Quick. Easy to bake. Big cookies. Martha Stewart is a total MILF.
Cons: Martha is still under house arrest. I suck at baking things from scratch.