“Waffles?” you ask.  “Really, Drew?  The man who reviewed beer for Christmas is a week behind on a review, and when he finally gets it in, it’s waffles?  That’s weak, bro.”  Your scorn is duly noted, and all I can offer in return is that, as the joint creator and co-producer of a two-year-old and a three-week-old, I have not gotten more than five hours of sleep a night in, well, three weeks.  Ergo, I am going to review my effing waffles with fiber, and you will read every damn word I have to say, no matter how little sense it makes or how old it makes me sound.  Are we clear?

The gimmick of Kellogg’s new Eggo waffles is that they’re FiberPlus, boldly proclaimed as 35% of your daily recommended intake of fiber right there on the front of the box.  By way of differentiating the two flavors beyond just “one’s got chocolate chips, the other don’t,” the buttermilk variety touts the word “calcium” on its banner, whereas the chocolate chip version boasts of its antioxidants, including vitamin E and zinc.  I was prepared to laugh my taint off if both versions had the exact same amount of calcium and Kellogg’s was just pretending there’s some health advantages of one over the other, but apparently they are indeed slightly distinct.  According to the nutritional info, the buttermilk variety have a whopping 5% more of your daily recommended intake of calcium per waffle than their be-chipped brethren, but with the trade-off of no appreciable levels of vitamin E or zinc.  This matters to me absolutely zero, but I suppose somewhere there may be someone who has strong, definitive opinions about how much zinc they consume in their breakfast toaster items.  Someday I would like to meet that man and tell him he’s wasted his life.  Then he’ll say I’m pretty judgmental for a guy who’s not wearing any pants, and we’ll both have a good laugh.

My chief concern about the waffles beforehand was the same one I have whenever I try a food purporting to be healthy, which is that too often there’s the inevitable sacrifice of taste for health.  Yes, your unsweetened organic rice cakes may let me live two days longer than if I’d eaten a Twinkie instead, but during that time the thought “Man, those rice cakes really tasted like the styrofoam packing peanuts they were probably made from” will cross my mind at least three times.  (I intend to be very reflective in my final days.)  I’m not interested in improved colon health if the unspoken caveat is that I’m basically eating cardboard.  Fortunately, I can report that the FiberPlus waffles are no worse than other Eggo waffles I’ve had in the past, which also means they’re tastier than your average frozen waffle.

The adjectives most commonly used to denote good waffles are “light and fluffy.” But be honest — when’s the last time you had a frozen food that really qualified as “light”?   I’ll offer that these are fluffy and… semi light?  Light-ish?  Loosely adapted from a work inspired by light?  You won’t mistake them for being freshly made, but they’re probably as non-heavy as you could expect out of frozen waffles.  As for the flavor, extra calcium and fiber or not, nothing tastes “off” about the buttermilk ones.  I could distinctly taste the chocolate chips in the antioxidants variety, and there are a decent (though not overly generous) number of chips in each.  For the price you’re paying, it’s hard to find too much fault with the taste.

In the interest of garnering multiple perspectives, and also because kids gotta eat, I solicited my toddler’s opinions on the waffles as well.  She reported that they taste, quote, “Mmm-hmm,” and expanded on this with, “I get down now?” However, she also ate every bite, which NEVER happens, so that’s kind of the ultimate compliment.  Bafflingly, that was the buttermilk; the next day she ate two bites of the chocolate chip one and then flatly turned it down, proving once and for all that kids are kind of dumb.  She did deign to eat the rest of it that night, and when asked to clarify whether it was “satisfying” or “flavorful,” indicated that it was “favorul.”  If Kellogg’s wants to use that in their new advertising campaign, I’m willing to sign the consent forms.

Finally, I’m not a coffee drinker, but many people are, and between a cup or two of java and these waffles, well… I can’t vouch for it personally, but I could see that being the kind of breakfast that puts a spring in your step and your ass on the john.  I would not schedule a particularly long staff meeting after a venti mocha and a couple of these waffles, is what I’m saying.  On the other hand, happy parents make for happy babies, and what’s more important to long-term happiness than good digestive health?  Maybe I was smart to buy these things after all.  Thanks, FiberPlus!

(Nutrition Facts – 2 waffles – Calcium Buttermilk – 160 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 390 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein.  Antioxidants Chocolate Chip – 180 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 350 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo FiberPlus Waffles (Calcium Buttermilk & Antioxidants Chocolate Chip)
Price: $3.39
Size: 8 waffles
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Calcium Buttermilk)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Antioxidants Chocolate Chip)
Pros: Affordable.  Easy to prepare.  Surprisingly good for frozen food.  Healthier than I anticipated.  Buttermilk = calci-riffic!  Antioxidants are… good, I’m pretty sure?  Keeping the system, uh, well, you know.  “Running smoothly.”  Yeah.
Cons: All baby and no sleep makes Drew go crazy. Not especially light.  Having to decide if it’s worth swapping calcium for antioxidants and chocolate chips.  (Yes.)  Knowing that maple syrup eliminates any pretense of “healthiness.”  Toddler eating habits.

I thought Eggo waffles were only good as syrup sponges, but after waking up from a syrup induced coma with my face in a pool of Mrs. Buttersworth’s, I found out they have redeeming nutritional qualities. There are vitamins and minerals in Eggo waffles, although I think they’re negated when I dump a 1/4 of a cup of syrup on them. But without syrup they’re like round Simpson yellow Flintstones vitamins.

Even though Kellogg’s are masters at providing consumers with essential vitamins and minerals in frozen waffle form, they’re not standing still and they’re taking it another step forward with their new Eggo FiberPlus Waffles.

It comes in two varieties: Eggo FiberPlus Calcium Buttermilk Waffles and Eggo FiberPlus Antioxidants Chocolate Chip Waffles. Eating two of these waffles provides 35 percent of your daily recommended intake of fiber. If you fear osteoporosis, two Eggo FiberPlus Calcium Buttermilk Waffles give you 35 percent of your daily calcium. If you want to boost your immune system, two of the chocolate chips ones will give you 20 percent zinc.

So suck it, milk and peanuts!

Borrowing things from overseas to sell on our shores is a tricky business. As with any translation, we run the risk of not getting it quite right. Like turning the infinitely-watchable E4 series Skins into a show that no one (save for The Parents Television Council who wants to kill it with fire) cares to watch… or transforming the delicioso Mexican corn-cake-style gordita into the well-known and often-devoured Taco Bell Gordita that is basically a taco made with pita bread. How they made the leap to the Middle East by way of Mexico, I have no idea. I guess, to them, foreign food is foreign food. We’re lucky they didn’t try to stuff haggis in there.

The process of repackaging these things for consumption in the United States is clearly an attempt to make them more palatable for Americans, however unrecognizable they become. But it doesn’t explain why Kellogg’s would revise the Belgian waffle for their Eggo brand by making them toaster-sized instead of plate-sized and octagonal instead of round (or square) and calling them “Thick & Fluffy ” waffles. Did they think consumers wouldn’t understand these waffles if they used the word “Belgian”? They’ve been around for 50 years. I think we get it. Semantics aside, what it really comes down to is whether the waffles have deep pockets and taste good. For the most part, they do.

Eggo Thick & Fluffy waffles come in two flavor varieties: Cinnamon Brown Sugar and Original Recipe. The name “Original Recipe” conjures up visions of crispy, golden fried chicken offered by string-tied Southern gentlemen with dubious military origins, yet as a Roscoe’s devotee, I can attest to the fact that fried chicken does pair well with waffles. Maybe this title wasn’t unintentional.

The Original Recipe waffle was exceptional. It has a certain extra something (probably sodium) that makes the waffle taste extra malty. I scoured the ingredients list and didn’t see anything about malt, though, so I could just be imagining it. Maybe my previous experiences with other Belgian fluffy and thick waffles created an expectation for malt flavor.

On the flip side, I was all ready to love the Cinnamon Brown Sugar waffle, being the brown sugar & cinnamon addict that I am, but it was just OK. The flavor just doesn’t “pop.” It’s not super sweet, but it’s also not very cinnamon-y. Blah Sugar. Cinna-Zzzzz. The experience is underwhelming. Way to not be an enabler, Kellogg’s. I’m one step closer to recovery.

Despite the fact that it’s a toaster waffle, I was expecting preparation to be a breeze. Logistically, it is pretty easy. Place in toaster… Toast… The End. But the toasting instructions specify that you may need to use two toasting cycles in order to evenly heat the waffle. That’s far too long for a toaster-based convenience breakfast. I hate double-toasting. It ruins the feeling of relief you experience once the toaster pops up because as soon as it does, you just have to push it back down again and start all over. It’s totally defeating. Bad way to start the day.

Another negative is that even though these are Thicker & Fluffier, they don’t make you feel any fuller – just the opposite. The extra carbs and sugar you ingest in the thicker waffle make you crash faster… and if you double-up on the serving size (eating two waffles instead of one), it just makes things worse.

That’s another thing. The serving size is just one waffle, but the box shows two. WHY MUST YOU TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS, EGGO??? Sorry, that’s the cinnamon brown sugar withdrawal talking.

I appreciate Eggo’s take on Belgian waffles, though the Original Recipe flavor makes a tastier breakfast than the Cinnamon Brown Sugar one. They should try making crêpes next… though they’ll probably call them “Eggo Thin & Flat Pancakes.” How gauche.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 waffle/55 grams – Original Recipe – 160 calories, 70 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, >1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein. Cinnamon Brown Sugar – 170 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, >1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Thick & Fluffy Waffles (Original & Cinnamon Brown Sugar)
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Size: 11.6 oz
Purchased at: Vons
Rating: 10 out of 10 (Original Recipe)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Cinnamon Brown Sugar)
Pros: Corn cakes. Southern gentlemen. Invisible malt. Octagons.
Cons: Witch hunts. Haggis. Understanding waffles. Boring me with cinnamon. The long toast. Small serving size.

Suck it, Joey Chestnut!

I just downed four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes. Sure, you’ve gobbled 241 chicken wings in 30 minutes, swallowed 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes, consumed 6.3 pounds of asparagus in 11.5 minutes, chugged a gallon of milk in 41 seconds, and scarfed down 10.5 pounds of macaroni and cheese in seven minutes, but I’m pretty sure you’ve ingested zero Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes, so I’m totally kicking your ass right now.

Actually, I probably hold the world record in the number Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles consumed in 45 minutes. I haven’t heard of anyone else accomplishing what I did. Originally, I only did it because on the product’s packaging there are four ways to prepare the Snack’n Waffles — microwave, thaw and serve, toaster and conventional oven — and I wanted to try them all. But after I was done with the last one, I realized that I might’ve accomplished something that has never been done before. So I searched the internet and found out that no one else did it, including you.

But you did once inhale 103 Krystal sliders in 8 minutes and 9.8 pounds of pork rib meat in 12 minutes.

When you do attempt to beat my world record of four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes, which you won’t beat, might I suggest preparing them in the microwave so that you don’t have to wait very long to taste something sweet before you taste the bitterness of defeat and your sour tears from failure.

I would also suggest having a lot of napkins around because these mini Belgian Waffle-looking snacks are messy thanks to the real chocolate chips in them, which seem to melt at room temperature. Each Snack’n Waffle has 16 grams of whole grains, but you probably won’t notice because the chocolate chips and presweetened waffle pretty much hides that fact from your taste buds.

Yes, they are a bit sweet, but I think they’re quite good.

However, not everything about them is so sweet. They don’t taste as good out of the toaster. Even though it warms the Snack’n Waffles up and makes them crispy, it’s like the toaster burned away some of the chocolate flavor. But they do taste fine after either sticking them in a conventional oven for 5-7 minutes or letting them thaw for 30 minutes.

Also, their density doesn’t remind me of regular waffles, instead they feel a lot like the sponge I use to wash my dishes every two weeks or when the roaches start living in my sink. So maybe you’ll have to employ the Takeru Kobayashi technique of dipping them into water so that they’re easier to eat when you’re trying to beat my world record of eating four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes.

Bring it, Joey Chestnut!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 waffle (2 ounces) – 220 calories, 8 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 2% calcium and 4% iron.)

*uses fully hydrogenated cottonseed oil

Other Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles reviews:
Freezer Burns

Item: Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 4 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Quite good. Individually wrapped. Don’t need to add syrup. My world record of eating four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes. Has 16 grams of whole grains. Watching someone eat 241 chicken wings in 30 minutes and consume 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes.
Cons: Might be too sweet for some. It feels like I’m eating my dishwashing sponge. Hella messy. Doesn’t taste as good out of the toaster. Being in the same public restroom as someone who has just eaten either 241 chicken wings in 30 minutes or 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes.

I’ve decided what I want to be when I grow up. Screw being a quasi-product review blogger editor. I want to be the one who comes up with new frozen waffle variations because it sounds like it’s the frickin’ easiest job in the world.

If I were in charge of developing new frozen waffle varieties, it would probably go something like this:

Frantic people will come running into my large corner office. They think consumers have grown tired of the dozens of other waffle varieties I’ve come up with, so they need me to come up with something new. As I sit in my big, comfy leather office chair, I’ll put my elbows on the armrests and bring my hands together in front of my face, forming a dome, with only my fingertips touching each other. I’ll close my eyes and pretend I’m in deep thought. While concentrating, I’ll slightly nod my head a few times and then follow that with slight shakes of my head. Then I’ll hum, “uh huh” and then inhale deeply, indicating that I’ve come up with greatness. I’ll raise my head while exhaling and opening my eyes. Then I’ll pan across the room filled with eager looks. I’ll pause for dramatic effect and then say in a confident tone, “Bacon. Filled. Waffles.”

People will yell, “brilliant.” Others will say, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Some of them will fall to their knees and cry because my ingenuity is at a level that they’ll never achieve, but they’re happy they were able to witness it first-hand. When the praise gets to be a little too much, I’ll just raise my hands, quietly shoo them away with hand gestures and once they leave my office, I’ll go back to admiring my own awesomeness in the mirror behind my desk until they need me again.

I think I need to make this happen soon because whoever came up with the Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Strawberry Filled Eggo Waffles needs to get replaced.

These strawberry-filled frozen waffles are noticeably thicker than regular Eggo Waffles, which means they could only fit six to a box, instead of the usual eight. The strawberry filling can easily be seen in the waffle if you put it in front of a light, like you’re a mailbox thief looking for checks. The filling isn’t spread out from edge to edge, instead it fills up about two-thirds of the circumference.

Unfortunately, just like a juiced up baseball player with bad hand-eye coordination, it maybe thicker, but it isn’t very good. Because it’s a Nutri-Grain product, it doesn’t taste like regular Eggo Waffles and is made with six grams of whole grain. The strawberry filling, made from real fruit, has little to no flavor. The only purpose it seems to have is to possibly burn my mouth when I bite into it. I was hoping the filling would have some flavor so that I wouldn’t need to dump enough sugarrific syrup on it to turn me into a one man mosh pit.

This mediocre frozen waffle wouldn’t have happen if I were the one who came up with new varieties. Never mind the Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Strawberry Filled Eggo Waffles. It would be all about the Kellogg’s Hungry Man Bacon & Egg Filled Eggo Waffles and they would be so thick that there can only be four in a box.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 waffle – 130 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 75 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 15 grams of other carbohydrates, 3 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Strawberry Filled Eggo Waffles
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 6 waffles
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Syrup makes it better. Healthier than regular Eggo Waffles. Made with 6 grams of whole grains. 3 grams of dietary fiber. If I came up with frozen waffle varieties.
Cons: Strawberry filling has no flavor. Bland without syrup. Less waffles per box than regular Eggo waffles. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Being a douchebag by admiring my awesomeness in the mirror.

If Amy Winehouse and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil were to reproduce — and I pray to God, Allah, Buddha, and football they don’t — their offspring would look like the new Kellogg’s Special K Red Berries Waffles, which are a little pale, covered with weird red splotches and deformed with indentations.

As with all Special K products, these waffles are targeted towards women who want to lose weight by torturing their taste buds with bland products and in serving sizes that would make bulimics wonder if it’s necessary to purge.

Yes, I did lose weight when I did the Special K Diet and I looked better wearing my hip-hugger jeans and showing a little male whale tail, but eating breakfast cereal every day got old quicker than me using the phrase “cool beans” to replace every positive adjective I used in daily conversation.

The Special K Red Berries Waffles are slightly healthier than regular Kellogg’s Eggo Waffles. These almost gothy-white waffles have over 50 percent less fat and 20 percent less calories, but also have 66 percent more sugar than their regular Eggo counterparts.

However, many of these differences are very small when you look at the actual numbers and not at percentages. For example, the Special K waffles have only 20 less calories, which is easy to burn with either a few push-ups or with a vial of cocaine taped to my back, running shoes, and a sober Lindsay Lohan chasing after me.

These waffles are also full of vitamins and minerals and claims it’s a good source of calcium. However, it provides only 6 percent of your daily recommend allowance of calcium per waffle, which doesn’t sound like a good source to me, unless you love waffles as much as I love the TV show Ninja Warrior and Lynne Spears’ daughters love making babies.

The red berries, which according to the ingredients list are strawberries, were noticeable when I ate one naked — the waffle, not me — but was pretty much non-existent after I poured some Canadian Maple Syrup on top — the waffle, not me. But then again, I do pour enough syrup to make those who use excessive amounts of alcohol to drown their sorrows say, “Damn, that’s a little too much there, buddy!”

All that maple syrup probably negated the slight health advantages the Special K Red Berries Waffles have over regular Eggo waffles, but it made it taste much better. Without the syrup, I felt it was not bad for diet frozen waffles, but who eats waffles without some kind of topping? That’s like Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, and TMZ not showing any shots with celebrity cleavage.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 waffle – 80 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 440 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 25 grams of other carbohydrates, 4 grams of protein, and vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Red Berries Waffles
Price: $2.75 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Not as bland as regular Special K cereal. Tastes good with syrup. Ninja Warrior.
Cons: Not much healthier than regular Eggo waffles. Less than one gram of dietary fiber. More sugar than regular Eggo waffles. Amy Winehouse reproducing. Excessive use of “cool beans.” Male whale tail.

Need something to help you fall asleep? Listen to the audio version of this review.