ANNOUNCEMENT: $15 Walmart or $15 Target Gift Card Winners

Here are the winners of the $15 Walmart and $15 Target Gift Cards:

Congratulations to the winners!

Also, thanks to everyone who participated!

If you’re wondering which gift card more folks preferred over the other, it was no contest. Twice the entrees wanted the Target gift card more than the Walmart one.

ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Writer Ryan

Salutations, readers! I come to you not just with salutations (which is easily the weirdest way to say hello), but with an introduction and a promise.

My name is Ryan and I am but one of the latest crash test dummies to climb aboard this speeding junk food juggernaut called The Impulsive Buy. As a denizen of Middle America, junk food is in my blood, and I mean more than just arteriosclerosis.

The flag of my great home state of Oklahoma proudly bears our state bird, the chicken fried steak, and we have an official state song from America’s favorite agriculture-themed musical, “Oklahoma!” At least that was the case until 2007, when our legislature changed the song to the audio from one of those YouTube supercuts of people falling out of motorized scooters. Last year, Oklahoma was second in the nation in number of fast food restaurants. Our 1,580 restaurants weren’t enough to pass the sprawling, value menu-festooned hills of Kentucky.

But it isn’t just that I grew up in the shadows of never-ending hamburger signage or that I was regularly shouted down by elementary school classmates for waxing at length about anthropomorphic cereal mascots. I was a latchkey kid of the late ’80s and early ’90s, the golden era of Happy Meal toys and merchandised junk food. Well into adulthood, even after all these years, I prefer my canned pasta X-Men-shaped, my berries Franken, my mummies tutti-frutti, and my Hostess pies mutagen-filled. I like my Shark Bites white, my Lunchables pizza, my ice cream gumball-eyed, devil’s food Snackwell’s, and Kool-Aid Sharkleberry Fin. Corporate marketing helped me understand my first natural talent — eating my feelings.

And thus, my promise to you, dear reader: when not on the campaign trail fighting for a pizza-based economy, I will write you the kind of honest, insightful, and profound reviews you’ve come to expect from an outlet like The Impulsive Buy.

I will write without cynicism.

And I will write with the zest of life only those prepared to embark on the journey of 1,000 empty calories truly know. And I will write with the passion and optimism of a man who holds out hope they will one day soon sell Cadbury Creme Egg filling by the half gallon.

ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Writer Tiffany

GREETINGS!! Yes, you can follow that with “Earthlings” or the Vulcan salute – your pick.

My name is Tiffany and I’m excited to be your guinea pig!

My love for junk food developed at young age when my parents forbade me from eating junk food and all sugar. So when they weren’t looking, I was eating Hot Cheetos and Maruchan Ramen/Cup Noodle (dry & crushed up – still highly recommended!) I graduated to Marie Callender’s TV dinners as an “afternoon snack” in middle school. As the sugar rush on top, I worked at Ben & Jerry’s in high school. Pretty sure I consumed over 100 gallons of ice cream, waffle cones, and fudge during my two-year tenure. Over the past quarter century, my taste palette has refined some so you can find me on Yelp! But, ya never forget where you come from.

I live in Los Angeles, but I’ve been slowly chipping away at my bucket list to attend every state fair. Why state fairs? Deep fried goodness, of course. Everything is (usually) better deep fried – except for beer. Avoid deep-fried beer at all costs. I only have four state fairs down but lots of stomach space!

When I’m not stuffing my face, I’m thinking about it or talking about it. I started my career in digital media/advertising for a Fortune 500 beverage company. Now, I’m back in business school so I can manage my own food/beverage brand one day!

If I had to pick one thing to eat everyday for the rest of my life, it would be chocolate chip cookies. I’d love to hear yours – comment below!

NOW, ONWARD TO ALL THE SNACKING!

ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Writer Brandon

Good morning, or afternoon, or evening, depending upon when you’re reading this. I’m Brandon, one of the 36 new writers Marvo hired for The Impulsive Buy.

Now, you’re probably wondering, “How did Marvo find the means to hire so many writers? Isn’t Hawaii ridiculously expensive? Is it true that he began making money through an unsanctioned horse husbandry program?”

The answers are: I’m not sure, so I’ve heard, and yes.

Anyway, this isn’t a forum for inquiries about what may or may not eventually land the editor in prison; this is my introduction, so, back to me.

I’m 34, I’m physically average, and when I’m not choking down deep-fried whatsits for spendin’ cash, I actually tend to eat rather healthy things. Uh, let’s see, I’ve got a 19-month-old and a wife and a day job where I look exasperatedly at spreadsheets. (They think you’re busy when you look harried, I’ve found.) In my free time (of which there is none) I try to keep my daughter from electrocuting herself or others, falling off of things, and eating poison.

Before coming here, I spent four years covering sports for a local entertainment website, and before that, I wrote for The Pitch Weekly, Kansas City’s largest alternative news source.

And speaking of Kansas City, well, that’s where I live. Born and raised. I spent a spell in Chicago, but I couldn’t stand being so far away from the (WORLD CHAMPION!) Kansas City Royals — or the barbecue. As you know, KC BBQ is the best in the world, so I frankly can’t wait until ________ unveils their new Pulled Pork Infused _______. I call dibs, and I promise a fair, balanced review. (I just rolled my eyes so hard I lost a contact.)

In short, and to quote a line from the great William Shakespeare, I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.