Here are the $10 Jack’s Ca$h Cards winners:
Thanks to everyone who participated and a special thanks to Jack in the Box for providing the gift cards!
Salutations, readers! I come to you not just with salutations (which is easily the weirdest way to say hello), but with an introduction and a promise.
My name is Ryan and I am but one of the latest crash test dummies to climb aboard this speeding junk food juggernaut called The Impulsive Buy. As a denizen of Middle America, junk food is in my blood, and I mean more than just arteriosclerosis.
The flag of my great home state of Oklahoma proudly bears our state bird, the chicken fried steak, and we have an official state song from America’s favorite agriculture-themed musical, “Oklahoma!” At least that was the case until 2007, when our legislature changed the song to the audio from one of those YouTube supercuts of people falling out of motorized scooters. Last year, Oklahoma was second in the nation in number of fast food restaurants. Our 1,580 restaurants weren’t enough to pass the sprawling, value menu-festooned hills of Kentucky.
But it isn’t just that I grew up in the shadows of never-ending hamburger signage or that I was regularly shouted down by elementary school classmates for waxing at length about anthropomorphic cereal mascots. I was a latchkey kid of the late ’80s and early ’90s, the golden era of Happy Meal toys and merchandised junk food. Well into adulthood, even after all these years, I prefer my canned pasta X-Men-shaped, my berries Franken, my mummies tutti-frutti, and my Hostess pies mutagen-filled. I like my Shark Bites white, my Lunchables pizza, my ice cream gumball-eyed, devil’s food Snackwell’s, and Kool-Aid Sharkleberry Fin. Corporate marketing helped me understand my first natural talent — eating my feelings.
And thus, my promise to you, dear reader: when not on the campaign trail fighting for a pizza-based economy, I will write you the kind of honest, insightful, and profound reviews you’ve come to expect from an outlet like The Impulsive Buy.
I will write without cynicism.
And I will write with the zest of life only those prepared to embark on the journey of 1,000 empty calories truly know. And I will write with the passion and optimism of a man who holds out hope they will one day soon sell Cadbury Creme Egg filling by the half gallon.
GREETINGS!! Yes, you can follow that with “Earthlings” or the Vulcan salute – your pick.
My name is Tiffany and I’m excited to be your guinea pig!
My love for junk food developed at young age when my parents forbade me from eating junk food and all sugar. So when they weren’t looking, I was eating Hot Cheetos and Maruchan Ramen/Cup Noodle (dry & crushed up – still highly recommended!) I graduated to Marie Callender’s TV dinners as an “afternoon snack” in middle school. As the sugar rush on top, I worked at Ben & Jerry’s in high school. Pretty sure I consumed over 100 gallons of ice cream, waffle cones, and fudge during my two-year tenure. Over the past quarter century, my taste palette has refined some so you can find me on Yelp! But, ya never forget where you come from.
I live in Los Angeles, but I’ve been slowly chipping away at my bucket list to attend every state fair. Why state fairs? Deep fried goodness, of course. Everything is (usually) better deep fried – except for beer. Avoid deep-fried beer at all costs. I only have four state fairs down but lots of stomach space!
When I’m not stuffing my face, I’m thinking about it or talking about it. I started my career in digital media/advertising for a Fortune 500 beverage company. Now, I’m back in business school so I can manage my own food/beverage brand one day!
If I had to pick one thing to eat everyday for the rest of my life, it would be chocolate chip cookies. I’d love to hear yours – comment below!
NOW, ONWARD TO ALL THE SNACKING!
Good morning, or afternoon, or evening, depending upon when you’re reading this. I’m Brandon, one of the 36 new writers Marvo hired for The Impulsive Buy.
Now, you’re probably wondering, “How did Marvo find the means to hire so many writers? Isn’t Hawaii ridiculously expensive? Is it true that he began making money through an unsanctioned horse husbandry program?”
The answers are: I’m not sure, so I’ve heard, and yes.
Anyway, this isn’t a forum for inquiries about what may or may not eventually land the editor in prison; this is my introduction, so, back to me.
I’m 34, I’m physically average, and when I’m not choking down deep-fried whatsits for spendin’ cash, I actually tend to eat rather healthy things. Uh, let’s see, I’ve got a 19-month-old and a wife and a day job where I look exasperatedly at spreadsheets. (They think you’re busy when you look harried, I’ve found.) In my free time (of which there is none) I try to keep my daughter from electrocuting herself or others, falling off of things, and eating poison.
Before coming here, I spent four years covering sports for a local entertainment website, and before that, I wrote for The Pitch Weekly, Kansas City’s largest alternative news source.
And speaking of Kansas City, well, that’s where I live. Born and raised. I spent a spell in Chicago, but I couldn’t stand being so far away from the (WORLD CHAMPION!) Kansas City Royals — or the barbecue. As you know, KC BBQ is the best in the world, so I frankly can’t wait until ________ unveils their new Pulled Pork Infused _______. I call dibs, and I promise a fair, balanced review. (I just rolled my eyes so hard I lost a contact.)
In short, and to quote a line from the great William Shakespeare, I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.
Hey everyone! My name is Ben and I am the newest member of The Impulsive Buy’s review team. I hail from the great state of Minnesota and I keep a running Oreo Power Rankings list on my phone at all times. Show me someone who says Original is not #1, and I’ll show you a dirty liar.
I’m a licensed attorney by day, and I enjoy fitness and working out in my free time. I offset that hobby by stashing all of the new Ben & Jerry’s varieties in my freezer whenever I can find them. There are seven unopened pints in my freezer right now. Seriously guys, I’m going to end up on one of those hoarding shows if I don’t stop soon. Please, send help. I don’t want a cleanup crew to find my dog buried under a heaping pile of Chunky Monkey.
I am probably the only person on Earth who prays at least once a week that Burger King will smarten up and bring back Cini-minis, also known as the greatest fast food breakfast item ever created. I’m borderline obsessed with cookies of all kinds, ice cream, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and Pop Tarts. I also write about snacks and junk food at my own blog, Snack Cellar.
I’m really honored and excited to be writing for The Impulsive Buy. I’ll do my best to adhere to the honest, informative, and entertaining reviews you’ve all come to expect from this great site. I’m looking forward to interacting with all of you–unless you tell me your favorite Oreo is Berry Burst. Then you’re just a dirty liar.
Hey there The Impulsive Buy reader! I’m Kyle, and I’m 6 feet tall, a Gemini, and enjoy long walks on the beach and candlelight dinners.
Oh, wait. Wrong website.
Anyways, I’m as excited as the Pillsbury Doughboy/Tony the Tiger/the Trix Rabbit/any other anthropomorphic grocery store food mascot to be joining TIB as a reviewer.
I was born in Canada, and spent the early portion of my life indulging in All Dressed chips, Cadbury chocolate, and foods with an “ou” in the name. I then moved on down to Central Pennsylvania, home to scrapple (don’t look it up), soft pretzels, and Hershey’s chocolate. I like to think of it as a best of both worlds food scenario, minus the Hannah Montana and minus the scrapple.
My love affair with junk food began on my weekly trips to the grocery store with my Dad. He was, let’s say, a little lenient with the grocery budget, so I was always able to get my hands on all the new cereals, fruit snacks, candy, and frozen meals. I was always the envy of my Catholic school lunch table, showing off all of my newest spoils.
Fast-forward twenty years and now I live in Boston, also known as the “I’ll-drink-iced-coffee-even-when-it’s-negative-five-out capital of the world.” I work from 9-5 in higher education and still spend an inordinate amount of my non-work time in grocery stores checking out the chips (and simultaneously arousing the suspicion of store security because it was my fifth time there in one week).
My junk food interests are all over the place – from drinks to Little Debbie desserts – and I’m excited to sample them and share my thoughts with you. My mom is also excited about this prospect, because I’ll finally be “using” my bachelor’s degree.
I can’t wait to get started, and if I can promise you one thing, it’s that I won’t be reviewing scrapple.