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REVIEW: Hello Kitty Water

Written by | January 5, 2011

Topics: 4 Rating, Hello Kitty, Water

Hello Kitty Water

Because I can’t read Japanese, I can’t read the label on this bottle of Hello Kitty Water. So I don’t know if this water came from a special spring located at the bottom of Mount Fuji or a Hello Kitty bidet, but it tastes like any other bottled water.

However, what’s really special about it, beside coming in a bottle shaped like Hello Kitty sitting on a gem, is it would cost you around four and a half US dollars if you purchased it in Japan.

The only bottled waters I can think of that could be equally or more expensive than this Hello Kitty Water are those purchased at a movie theater or on a golf course, those bottled at a particular spring in Fiji and those paid for with bloodshed in a post-apocalyptic world.

Yup, four fiddy for plain ol’ water packaged in a bottle that will appeal to 10-year-old girls, 32-year-old women who have adorned their automobiles with Hello Kitty steering wheel covers and car seat covers, and that one woman who drives a pink Pontiac Firebird with a gigantic Hello Kitty face on the car’s hood instead of the iconic firebird image. That woman will also be in a future episode of Hoarders several years from now because her clusterfuck of Hello Kitty memorabilia, consisting of items like Hello Kitty Kotex pads, used Hello Kitty contact lenses and empty bottles of Hello Kitty Water, is endangering her family.

I wish I could say there are gold cinnamon flakes shaped like Hello Kitty floating in it or it has a slight salty flavor like it’s supposed to taste like Hello Kitty sweat or Hello Kitty tears, but it doesn’t. Nor is it Hello Kitty spit, because, of course, it wouldn’t make any sense since Hello Kitty lacks a mouth to produce it. It just tastes like any filtered bottled water that I could purchase at a nearby convenience store for about a dollar or get for free if I pretend I completed a 5K by jumping into the line with all the finishers.

Since I’m not a Hello Kitty fanboy, the only really positive thing I can say about Hello Kitty Water is that, with every sip, it looks like I’m sucking the life out of Hello Kitty, which, if it were the real Hello Kitty, I would consider payback for sucking out my masculinity whenever I step into or walk by a Sanrio store.

Overall, I think with Hello Kitty Water, it’s not about how thirsty you are, it’s more about how much of a thirst you have for Hello Kitty products.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat…oh, who am I kidding? It’s frickin’ water.)

Item: Hello Kitty Water
Price: 367 yen (about $4.50 US)
Size: 265 ml
Purchased at: Somewhere in Japan
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Awesome for Hello Kitty superfans. Awesome to find for those searching for clean drinking water in a post-apocalyptic world. The bottle’s Hello Kitty shape. Getting free food if I look like I just ran in a 5K. Drinking it looks like I’m sucking the life out of Hello Kitty.
Cons: Expensive for a bottle of water. It’s just water. Probably hard to find outside of Japan. Buying bottled water at a movie theater or on a golf course. Having a house stuffed with Hello Kitty memorabilia and being featured on Hoarders because of it. Not Hello Kitty sweat or tears.

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REVIEW: Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix

Written by | February 19, 2009

Topics: 4 Rating, Condiment, Hello Kitty, Japan

Death by Hello Kitty is not how I hope to leave this Earth, but the Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix has the power to make it happen with its 2,739 milligrams of sodium per package.

Although that’s not how I imagined Hello Kitty would truly off me.

I figure if Hello Kitty wanted to end me, she would use Hello Kitty chloroform or Hello Kitty roofies to knock me unconscious, restrain me with Hello Kitty handcuffs or Hello Kitty duct tape, keep me silent with a Hello Kitty gag rag, throw me in the back of a Hello Kitty van, drive me to the nearest Sanrio shop, secure my body to a Hello Kitty torture rack, pour water all over me with a Hello Kitty bucket, wake me up via electrocution with Hello Kitty jumper cables connected to a Hello Kitty car battery, break my nose with the butt of a Hello Kitty M-16 assault rifle, place several connected sticks of Hello Kitty dynamite around my body with a long fuse, light the fuse with a Hello Kitty blowtorch, say to me “Goodbye, Kitty,” walk away and I blow up moments later.

The Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix (or furikake for those of you who like to keep it real) is made up of Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of dried seaweed, strips of dried seaweed, rice crackers, bonito powder, monosodium glutamate and a shitload of salt and cuteness, both of which can cause high blood pressure.

When I first received the product, I expected it to contain nothing but kawaii Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of seaweed, but it came with all of the not-so-cute ingredients and only 5-7 Hello Kitty-shaped seaweed in each of the three packets. The amount is enough to satisfy a casual Hello Kitty fan, but not enough for a Hello Kitty maniac who would probably use the pieces to create an extravagant stop motion video and post it on YouTube to prove that she is THE Ultimate Hello Kitty Fan.

Each packet has enough to sprinkle over 3-4 bowls of rice or, if you’re feeling lucky, one-soon-to-be-very-salty bowl of rice. The product was much like other rice seasoning mixes I’ve had. It had a fishy and salty taste, although it was significantly saltier than others, but I guess it should be since salt is the first item listed in the ingredients list. I’m surprised that my blood pressure didn’t rise by just having it in my apartment. The rice crackers added a little crunch, but didn’t add to the taste since the salt and MSG overwhelmed everything, like the smell of a stripper after receiving a lap dance. Even with its disappointing taste, I can see Hello Kitty fanatics buying this to make their bowls of rice more adorable.

Besides increasing blood pressure, the Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix proves that the people who own the license to Hello Kitty have no shame and love the money from licensing Hello Kitty to any company who is willing to dish it out. If Hello Kitty wanted to, she could probably get rid of those greedy bastard by using the second cutest way to die, which is Sailor Moon hair strangulation.

(Nutrition Facts – 16.5 gram package – 36 calories, less than 1 gram of fat, 0 grams saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0 milligrams cholesterol, 2739 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix
Price: FREE
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Received from sister
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Cute. Dried seaweed shaped like Hello Kitty. Rice crackers add crunch. It’s from Japan.
Cons: Extremely high in sodium. Contains MSG. Not a lot of Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of dried seaweed. No pink. Sailor Moon hair strangulation. Death by Hello Kitty. The whoring of Hello Kitty.

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Sanrio Hello Kitty PEZ Dispensers

Written by | February 12, 2008

Topics: 7 Rating, Candy, Food, Hello Kitty, Snacks

I approached the checkout line at Target with caution. As a painfully neurotic and self-conscious person, I can get pretty freaked out about my shopping choices.


“Sir? I can help you over here,” a pleasant voice said, coming from the express line.

Damn it, stuck with the young, cute cashier again. Always the least attentive and most judgmental cashier available − too attractive to have a filter and too curious to leave me alone. The worst combination possible.

I tiptoed over slowly, put my hands in my pockets and said, “Uhh…yeah, I’ll just take everything in the basket. If you could just look to the left and blindly scan as quickly as possible, that’d be awesome.”

She laughed, “Sir, we can’t do that.”

As I was busy shifting my eyes side to side and fidgeting, she said, “Hey, what’s this?”

“IT’S FOR MY GIRLFRIEND!” I exclaimed, not knowing what she picked up.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess it’s a little personal,” she remarked, picking up a bottle of KY warming jelly.

Thank God. I wiped my forehead and casually quipped, “Oh, that? It’s just lube. I’m really sorry, I get a little defensive this time of year.”

She raised her eyebrows and went back to the basket to pick up a few more items. “Three bottles?”

I squinted my eyes and nodded, “Yeah. In addition to a little defensive, I get a lot of other emotions as well.”

Then her hand went for the last item in the basket. My heart raced. Holy shit, she was really going to see it. I braced myself as she looked at it.

Her eyes lit up. “Wow, this is cute! What is it?”

I slowly shook my head and pretended to look puzzled, saying, “Wow. That’s…that’s crazy, how did that get in there? Oh wait, I think I got that for my…my…valentine?”

“Is your valentine a ten year old girl?” she asked.

I sighed. The jig was up. I explained, “Look, it’s a collection of Hello Kitty PEZ dispensers, okay? Not only does it have three Hello Kitty designs, it also has a bunny thing confusingly named My Melody. Her ears kind of look like one of those giant foam fingers that you get at baseball games and Phoenix Wright conventions, so I thought it was pretty cool. I was just buying the other stuff so that maybe you wouldn’t notice the box.”

“Aww…you didn’t have to do that. You shouldn’t be embarrassed to like a kid’s candy,” she replied.

I felt the need to further incriminate myself by saying, “Well, that’s the thing. I don’t really like PEZ. It’s basically colored sugar in brick form and the bonus candy bracelet is just about the most unsanitary method of eating I can think of. The box is really cool, though. I bet it’ll sell for a lot on eBay.”

She was beginning to look tired of feigning interest, saying, “Yeah…I mean, yeah, I guess it is. Well, I hope you enjoy your Valentine’s Day.”

I got over the embarrassment of my purchase and found the courage to ask, “Hey…if you’re not doing anything that day, maybe I pick you up at around 7:30?”

She stared at me blankly for few moments and began to crack a smile. The smile turned into giggle which turned into a cacophony of laughter. She shook her head and tore out the receipt, saying, “You’re hilarious, have a nice day!”

I took my bag and made a beeline for the exit. I whispered under my breath, “God…this is just as humiliating as Christmas shopping at the 99 Cent Store, just with higher prices and fewer rapists.”

Despite my troubles, I left Target with my head held up high. I didn’t have my manhood, dignity, or a Valentine’s Day date, but I had something that money can’t buy. The pride of having a lunchbox full of glass Hello Kitty PEZ dispensers, and really, that’s at least one more thing than I had last Valentine’s Day.

Item: Sanrio Hello Kitty PEZ Dispensers
Price: $9.99
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Fun design and shapes that kids and nerds can appreciate. Comes in an adorable tin box. Well made glass material. Might be worth something to a socially awkward collector on eBay.
Cons: PEZ is pretty plain and doesn’t taste very interesting. PEZ candy can probably destroy your fillings. Attractive cashiers who question the things that you buy.

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Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts

Written by | July 17, 2006

Topics: 3 Rating, Hello Kitty, Pop-Tarts

Hello Kitty is a whore!

Seriously, who would allow themselves to have their likeness on every possible conceivable product.

Some of you might say, “Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth, so she can’t say yes or no to what products she wants to endorse.”

My answer to that would be, “Well, Hello Kitty has a head, which she can use to nod for, “Yes, I really like the idea of a Hello Kitty sleeping bag,” or she can shake her in disagreement for, “No, I don’t want my face on a bowl of Hello Kitty dried ramen.”

Or if Hello Kitty REALLY didn’t want to have her likeness on something, she could throw her many bows at her agent or manager, which would instantly let that person know that, “NO! I don’t want my face to be on a Hello Kitty vibrator.”

But just like Kate Moss with cocaine, she just can’t say no, and that’s why I think Hello Kitty is a whore. Hello Kitty is like Martha Stewart, who has hundreds of products with her name on it. However, Hello Kitty is a hundred times worse. Martha doesn’t have a Martha Stewart MP3 player, but Hello Kitty does. Martha also doesn’t have a Martha Stewart rice cooker, but Hello Kitty does. Any Martha Stewart video games? No, but Hello Kitty has video games.

Anyway, I wrote a song about Hello Kitty’s whoreness called, “Hello Kitty is Everywhere.”


If your Hello Kitty alarm clock is annoyingly way too loud.
Put in a pair of Hello Kitty earplugs to drown out the sound.
If the earplugs don’t work, put a Hello Kitty pillow over your head.
Maybe next time you should use a Hello Kitty clock radio instead.

You can eat cereal with a Hello Kitty bowl and spoon.
While you wait for your Hello Kitty coffee maker, you watch cartoons.
Your Hello Kitty toaster has inside two slices of bread.
The butter is ready with a Hello Kitty knife to be spread.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

Watching Cartoon Network on your Hello Kitty TV/DVD combo set.
Using your Hello Kitty keyboard and mouse, while you surf the internet.
Looking for the Hilary Duff album in your 20-count Hello Kitty CD case.
You grab a Kleenex from your Hello Kitty tissue holder to wipe your face.

It’s hot, but you use your Hello Kitty electric fan to keep the heat away.
You have water with ice from your Hello Kitty shaped ice cube tray.
You call people on your Hello Kitty cell phone to find out what’s up.
Your throat is dry, so you take a drink from your Hello Kitty cup.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

You ate too much so you have to lift your Hello Kitty toilet lid.
Thank goodness you bought Hello Kitty toilet paper when you did.
Your Hello Kitty air freshener will keep things from smelling bad.
The soap from the Hello Kitty soap dispenser smells really rad.

You slip on your Hello Kitty socks, shorts, shirt, sandals, and thong.
Just incase it rains, your Hello Kitty umbrella should be taken along.
You put on your Hello Kitty sunglasses to protect yourself from UV rays.
The Hello Kitty glitter sunscreen you put on will do the same.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

It’s night time and you’re bowling and drinking Hello Kitty champagne.
Throwing gutterballs with your Hello Kitty bowling ball, you suck at this game.
By the end of the night, you’re throwing up in your Hello Kitty garbage can.
You pass out in the kitchen because you love the cold feeling of your Hello Kitty pan.

Hours later you’re in the shower behind a Hello Kitty shower curtain.
You dry yourself off with your Hello Kitty towel set, even though you’re hurtin’.
You jump into your Hello Kitty pajamas and under the Hello Kitty comforter on your bed.
Dreams of Hello Kitty circling around your soon-to-be hungover head.

(Editor’s Note: If you don’t believe that all these Hello Kitty items exist, go check out Dream Kitty and J-List.)

I personally wished that Hello Kitty threw some bows at someone when they were deciding to come out with these Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts, because there’s nothing really special about them. They were good, but they were basically regular Wild Berry Pop-Tarts, except with pink frosting and girly-girly sprinkles on top, which come in the shapes of flowers, bows, and Hello Kitty heads.

But I guess the pink frosting and girly-girly sprinkles are enough for a little girl or extremely effeminate little boy to ask you to buy a box for them. They can’t resist the cute innocent face of Hello Kitty on the box and you’ll buy a box for them because probably deep down you can’t resist Hello Kitty’s innocent face too…Or you just don’t want to deal with your kids constant nagging.

Anyway, these Pop-Tarts were as sweet as Hello Kitty herself. But then again, all Pop-Tarts are as sweet as Hello Kitty.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Lane for letting me know about the Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts. Also, head over to the Crown Combo for another Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts review.)

Item: Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.99 (12-pack)
Purchased at: Don Quijote
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: As sweet as Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty’s cute innocent face. It’s a 12-pack. Your little girl or extremely effeminate little boy will love you if you buy them. Perfect if you like excessive amounts of pink.
Cons: Hello Kitty has no mouth. Hello Kitty is a whore, selling her likeness to anyone who will show her the money. Nothing really special, they taste like regular Wild Berry Pop-Tarts. Your little girl or extremely effeminate little boy will hate you if you don’t buy them.

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Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel

Written by | July 15, 2005

Topics: 2 Rating, Hello Kitty, Personal

Hello Kitty Sunscreen

To begin today’s review of the Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel, I’d like to tell all of you a little story, which goes something like this:

My head nodded like it was following the little red bouncing ball telling me which words to sing, as I followed the word “Chic” embroidered in yellow thread on the jeans that covered the ass of my fifth grade teacher, who was writing word problems on the chalkboard.

This was easy to accomplish because, unfortunately, I sat in the front row of the tiny classroom that was once the teacher’s lounge.

There were others in the front row, but my teacher only liked to write on a certain part of the chalkboard, which ended up right in front of me. My teacher’s ass was so close that if I wanted to, I could pull out my ruler and poke it to see what the ass would do in retaliation.

It wasn’t hard to miss the yellow embroidery on my teacher’s Chic Jeans, because every time I looked up to see what my teacher was writing, I would get the full panoramic view of my teacher’s ass and not be able to see a word written. It was kind of like a solar eclipse, with the moon being my teacher’s ass and the sun being the words on the chalkboard. The only word I could see was “Chic” embroidered in yellow thread.

I continued to stare at that word and began to think it was so strange to see my teacher wear a pair of Chic Jeans, because the only people who wore them were the popular girls in middle school, who never talked to me, except when they needed help with their homework.

Frustrated by the fact that I couldn’t see the chalkboard at all, I put my pencil down on top of the desk and followed that with my head.

A few minutes later the recess bell rang. I got up and as I walked out for recess, I said, “Nice jeans, MISTER Kreuger.”

He looked at me and innocently smiled, not knowing his ass was blocking my view of the chalkboard and he was wearing women’s clothing.

I posted this story to prove that women are lucky.

If they wear a men’s jacket or sweater, other people won’t notice it’s a piece of men’s clothing and will say it looks nice on them. If men wear a woman’s jacket or sweater, other people will look at them weird and say he’s a crazy cross-dresser.

Also, it’s perfectly normal for women to use men’s shaving gel on their legs, but it seems odd for a man to use women’s shaving gel on their face, unless the guy happens to be quasi-product review blog editor doing some “testing.”

So I’ve decided to use women’s products, because I think this is slightly unfair.

Recently, my twin sister gave me a bottle of Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel to review.

This is a very feminine product for two reasons: Hello Kitty and glitter.

If you aren’t familiar with Hello Kitty, you can read more about it here. But to make a long story short, Hello Kitty is probably the most girly thing in the world. It’s produced by a Japanese company called Sanrio, which has a whole bunch of cute characters, like Hello Kitty.

Here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean there are Sanrio stores with wall-to-wall cute girly Sanrio stuff. Every time I walk into one of the Sanrio stores, three things happen: (1) I have to urge to give someone a hug. (2) I can feel testosterone being sucked out of me. (3) My testicles crawl up into my body.

As for glitter, it maybe great for Harajuku Girls, but it’s not good for guys or Mariah Carey’s acting resume.

The only ways I can imagine guys wearing glitter is if they were adding stars to dioramas, they just made out with a woman who was wearing glitter, or if they got so drunk that they drank a bottle of glitter thinking it was Goldschlager.

However, I put aside the unusualness of me wearing glitter and the fear of my balls crawling up into body to test the Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel during my daily running routine. Besides, if my balls to crawl up into me, I don’t have to worry about them being juggled around.

As I put the sunscreen on, it felt like I was putting on vegetable oil, because it was very greasy. Also, I noticed that the glitter wasn’t going on my body. Instead, almost all the glitter remained on my hands. I guess running around with glitter and shining it in the sun wasn’t meant to be.

While running, I could smell the sunscreen, which had a nice unmanly candy-like smell.

It may have had a nice scent, but its SPF 8 didn’t do a good job of protecting my face from sunburn, because later that night, while washing my face, I could feel the sunburn, which I don’t get with the usual SPF 30 sunscreen I use.

So remember boys and girls, eight is a good number for an orgy, but not so good for a sunscreen’s SPF.

(Editor’s Note: The story at the beginning was originally written for and posted at The Ass Chronicles.)


Item: Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by twin sister)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Smells good. Great for Harajuku Girls.
Cons: Most of the glitter stayed on my hands. Really greasy feel. Only SPF 8. My male fifth grade teacher wearing Chic Jeans.

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