Somewhere in the heavens, Jack LaLanne is laughing at us and yelling “I told you so, motherfuckers! I told you juicing is a great way for you to get your vegetables, bitches!” It turns out that the old man was right and if I had a time machine, I would go back in time to purchase a Jack LaLanne Juice Tiger in three easy installments of $29.95 plus shipping and handling and receive a set of Ginsu Knives absolutely free if I order it within the next 20 minutes.

Oh wait. I’ve just been told that Jack LaLanne is still alive thanks to juicing and that he will probably live longer than I will and when I’m dead, he will dance on my grave.

I may not have a Juice Tiger, but I probably have the second best thing — the Ito En Veggie Shot. Developed in the same country that gave us one billion episodes of Dragonball and game shows that are one billion times more entertaining than American ones, the Japanese drink shoehorns TWENTY vegetables and three fruits into one beverage, which bests the eight vegetables in a V8 Vegetable Drink and the seven to ten vegetables MTV sticks into each Real World house.

The clusterfuck of veggies and fruits in the Ito En Veggie Shot include: apples, lemons, white grapes, carrots, spinach, sweet potato, red bell peppers, green beans, celery, lettuce, broccoli, kale, pumpkin, green bell peppers, asparagus, napa cabbage, komatsuna, ashitaba, parsley, watercress, cabbage, radish, and Japanese honewort. It doesn’t specifically say on the bottle, but I’m pretty sure an 8-ounce cup of this blended farmer’s market provides a serving of vegetables.

With two and half times more vegetables than a V8 Vegetable Juice, I was expecting the Ito En Veggie Shot to taste like a rabbit’s wet dream, but it has a surprisingly fruity flavor, like the V8 Fusion drinks, thanks to the three fruits also included with the veggies. When the beverage first hit my tongue, it tasted like apple juice and after that it was more of a sweet vegetable taste, slightly similar to the Odwalla Superfood green sludge.

With twenty vegetables, you might think that the Ito En Veggie Shot is healthier and provides more vitamins than a V8 Vegetable Juice, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. The Japanese drink has less sodium than a regular V8, but the V8 has less calories, more potassium, less carbs, less sugar, more fiber, more protein, more vitamins, and mixes well with vodka in a Bloody Mary. However, even the V8′s healthiness isn’t enough for me to choose it over the Ito En Veggie Shot’s taste.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 80 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 400 milligrams of potassium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 2% Calcium, and 100 milligrams of Japanese ingenuity.)

Item: Ito En Veggie Shot
Price: $2.99
Size: 30.4 ounces
Purchased at: Nijiya Market
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. Contains 100% juice and twenty different vegetables and three fruits. Better tasting than V8 because it has a fruity flavor. Easy to drink. It initially tastes like apple juice. No added sugar or salt. Jack LaLanne is still alive. Japanese game shows. Getting Ginsu Knives for free.
Cons: Not as healthy and full of vitamins as V8. Not sure if some of the vegetables make a difference, like parsley. Might be hard to find if you don’t have a Asian grocer near you. Jack LaLanne will live longer than me. The billions of Dragonball episodes.

I know what you’re thinking to yourself. Who is this Lizzy? Why is she fizzy? And why can’t Lizzy take some Tums to stop making her fizzy? I could search the internet through Google, Wikipedia, or the Fizzy Lizzy website, but that would make me dizzy. However, by looking at the image on the label that probably wasn’t even modeled after Lizzy, I can figure out many things about her.

First off, Lizzy looks like she enjoys dressing like she’s from the 1920s in long sleeves and a long skirt, although that plunging neckline makes it a little more contemporary. Maybe she wears long sleeves and a long skirt because she’s “all-natural,” just like her Costa Rican Pineapple Fizzy Lizzy drink, which just consists of 37 percent triple-filtered carbonated water and 63 percent pineapple juice concentrate.

The next thing I noticed about Lizzy from the graphics on the bottle is that she either has a tree branch for a tail or likes to fart plants. This is good because it shows that she cares about the environment and loves nature, which she should since 100 percent of her Costa Rican Pineapple Fizzy Lizzy comes from nature.

(Editor’s Note: I’m pretty sure this is definitely the first AND last time Fizzy Lizzy will ever send me a product to review. Actually, I’m surprised companies keep sending us stuff.)

Another item I noticed about Lizzy from looking at the artwork on the label is that she not only loves 1920s fashion, but she also loves the original Charlie’s Angels, especially Kate Jackson, because she’s totally rocking the sexy Sabrina Duncan hairstyle. Finally, I noticed Lizzy demands perfection. I can tell this by the way she has her hands on her hips like a stern mother or a leather-clad, whip-wielding dominatrix. This perfection also shows in the quality of the Costa Rican Pineapple Fizzy Lizzy.

When I opened up the bottle, it smelled like canned pineapple juice, but its taste was not as overwhelming as pineapple juice. It was very easy to drink because it wasn’t carbonated as I thought it would be. I enjoyed it very much and it is probably the best and tastiest way to get 100% of your Vitamin C in a fizzy pineapple juice form, although before drinking it I had to do a little dance with it to mix the juice which had settled to the bottom, which bothered me because I’m nobody’s monkey, despite how hairy I am.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 23 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% Vitamin C, and 1 rhyming name.)

Item: Costa Rican Pineapple Fizzy Lizzy
Price: FREE (Retails for $1.49 – $1.99)
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Given by Fizzy Lizzy…probably for the last time.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty and easy to drink. Sweet, but not too sweet. Pineapple wasn’t overwhelming. Low fat. Low calorie. No added sugars. The best and tastiest way to get 100% of your Vitamin C in a fizzy pineapple juice form. Name rhymes (I’m a sucker for rhymes). Sabrina Duncan.
Cons: Having to shake its hips before placing it on my lips. Twist top was difficult to take off or I’m a total wuss. Not easily available. Pineapple may not be a fruit people are willing to drink without the colada. My poor characterization of Lizzy through the artwork on the bottle.

I’m a sucker for things that are shaped like hourglasses, like board game timers and Victorian women with very tight corsets. It was this attraction that made me notice the hourglass-shaped bottle of POM Wonderful Pomegranate in one of the refrigerated cases at the national grocery store chain I shop at.

There were only two flavors in stock, mango and cherry (They also come in tangerine, blueberry, and, of course, pomegranate). I decided to pick the mango, because I love mango and it’s considered to be an aphrodisiac. However, I don’t know about that aphrodisiac part, because every time I’ve eaten mango, I’ve been alone…so alone. (tear)

The thing most noticeable about the POM, besides the hourglass-shaped bottle, was the fact it may have been labeled mango-flavored, but it surely wasn’t mango-colored. Instead it was a dark, cola-like color. For a moment I thought to myself, “The only time mangoes look dark like that is when they’re rotting.”

Then I thought, “Sure it’s not mango-colored, but I’m positive it’s got to taste like mango. What company in their right mind would produce a product labeled mango-flavored and it not be mango-flavored?”

(One 16 oz. POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate bottle later)

Apparently I have found what could possibly be the ONLY mango product on the face of the Earth that isn’t mango-colored and doesn’t taste like mango. Instead it has this tart cranberry-type of flavor to it, which is probably the pomegranate overpowering the mango.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “What’s pomegranate?” Well sit back boys and girls, here’s your health food lesson for the day.

Pomegranate is a red fruit and its juice is considered to be one of the healthiest around. It’s a wonderful source of potassium, vitamin C, polyphenols, flavonoids, antioxidants, and a bunch of other healthy things with long names. A glass of it has more antioxidants than a glass of red wine. Of course the real big difference between the two is when you drink large amounts of pomegranate all you get is a big dose of antioxidants, and when you drink large amounts of red wine you may end up with a hangover, unwanted pregnancy, photocopies of your buttocks at work, or all three.

Sounds healthy? Yes it is, but so is the price.

At $4 a bottle, it will be very hard to drink it daily like the Beanie Babies-type tag around the neck of the POM bottle suggests. I think it’s probably cheaper to get a health club membership, which will probably do you more good and get you that hourglass figure you’ve always wanted.

Item: POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Very healthy. Attractive bottle.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like mango. Very pricey.