If you want your kid to succeed, because you weren’t athletic, talented, pretty, or smart enough to be successful when you were growing up, then Frosted Flakes Gold cereal just might be what your kids need to give you the opportunity to live vicariously through them. According to the box, the crunchy flakes made with whole grain and baked with honey is supposed to provide long-lasting energy, a label usually reserved for energy drinks and wang medications.

With a name like Frosted Flakes Gold, I was hoping that there would be gold in the box, like the gold flakes in Goldschlager or the golden light that shines out of Selma Hayek’s va-jay-jay. Despite my extensive digging, I couldn’t find any gold, not even with the help of Heather Mills. The only thing shiny about the cereal was the box it came in, which had a foil exterior.

Frosted Flakes Gold cereal smelled like Golden Grahams cereal and it tasted like store-brand lite pancake syrup, which actually isn’t bad compared with this cereal’s predecessor, the shitastic Kellogg’s Tiger Power. After eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes Gold cereal every morning for a week, I have to say that I didn’t feel like it was giving me long-lasting energy. If the high fructose corn syrup it in was replaced with caffeine or meth, it would probably give me two to three hours of lasting energy, followed by some downtime or my mouth wrapped around things it shouldn’t be wrapped around.

I’m not a parent, but what I’ve learned from watching “I Know My Kid’s A Star” is that children don’t need special whole grain cereals that’s promoted by a cartoon tiger in order to be successful. All they need are parents who are crazy enough to stab someone in the back for their child, demanding enough to cause their children to turn to alcohol before they can drive, and shameless enough to have their child be a part of a reality show on VH1 with Danny Bonaduce.

(Nutrition Facts - 3/4 cup - 110 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 14 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a whole lot of vitamins and nutrients.)

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Gold
Price: $6.59 (16.9-ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Fancy shiny box. Decent tasting. Tastes like lite pancake syrup. Smells like Golden Grahams. 3 grams of fiber per serving. Better than Tiger Power cereal. Selma Hayek’s va-jay-jay.
Cons: High Fructose Corn Syrup. Doesn’t seem to give me long-lasting energy. The parents on “I Know My Kid’s A Star.” Couldn’t find gold with Heather Mills’ help. Wrapping my mouth around things it shouldn’t be wrapped around.

If all it takes to achieve bliss is to eat the Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss bar, then I’m staying home and eating nothing but these natural and artificial flavored bars. But really, after trying them, I doubt that these bars have the ability to give someone any amount of bliss. Even if it could, it would end up being like a vibrator, it would satisfy you for a while, but eventually you’re going to need something real.

Speaking of being real, these Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss bars lack some of that in its ingredients. Each bar is made up of multigrain cereal, bran flakes, rice cereal, raspberry flavored fruit pieces, and partially dipped in what I’m now calling, I Can Believe It’s Not Chocolate, or as the packaging says “chocolatey.”

Not chocolate, “chocolatey.”

To explain “chocolatey,” I’m going to refer to a comment for The Impulsive Buy’s review of the Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight cereal from my favorite female candy expert, “Partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil + cocoa processed with alkali + cocoa = “chocolatey.” There’s no cocoa butter in there to make it chocolate.”

Its overall taste was not bad. The “raspberry flavored fruit pieces” made the bar taste like raspberry jujubes. The chocolatey part of the bar didn’t seem to add anything, since the raspberry is what stood out. For a bar that claims to be healthy, it would’ve been nice of Kellogg’s to keep it real by including actual dried raspberries in it, or at least a coupon for a free lap dance, because I think that’s the only thing that would make up for it.

Another thing that bothered me was that in the nutrition facts it claimed to have zero trans fats, but if you read the ingredients list and look at the footnotes, there’s a line that says “Less then 0.5 g trans fat per serving” thanks to the partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil. Each bar weighs less than an ounce (0.77 ounces) and is 3.5 inches long and one inch wide, which is great for people trying to portion control and lose weight, but bad for people who are hungry or guys insecure about their junk.

Overall, I think the Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss bars are like Playboy Playmates, they seem good at first glance, but deep down you know there was some tricks involved. With the Bliss bars, it’s the raspberry flavored fruit pieces and the chocolatey dipping. With the Playboy Playmates, it’s Photoshop.

(Nutrition Facts - 1 bar - 90 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 10% niacin, 4% iron, 10% vitamin B6, and zero grams of bliss.)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss
Price: $3.00 (on sale, six-pack)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: 90 calories per bar. Decent tasting. Bars are small for those who want to control portions. Coupons for lap dances.
Cons: No bliss from eating bars. Ingredients list is kind of scary. 0.5 grams of trans fat. Raspberry flavored fruit pieces not actual raspberries. Chocolatey not chocolate. Not much in vitamins and minerals. Bars are small for hungry people. Chocolatey doesn’t add to the bar. Being insecure about your junk.