NEWS: Method’s New Dilutable Cleaner Is Like A Mogwai Because It Multiplies When Water Is Added

Gizmo was so cute in the movie Gremlins. Those big eyes made me want to pet him and his soft fur made me want to use him as a mop to clean my floors.

If I ever get the opportunity to clean my apartment with a mogwai, I might use Method’s new Dilutable Cleaner.

Although since I would be adding water to the super concentrated cleaner and the cleaner itself contains water, Gizmo would probably multiply and Mr. Wing would come to my door and tell me that I’m not ready to properly care for a mogwai.

The Method Dilutable Cleaner only comes in once scent: citrus leaf. It cleans using eco-friendly, biodegradable ingredients like plant-based cleaners and natural mineral boosters. It’s available now in stores and comes in a 25-ounce bottle.

Bucket not included.

REVIEW: Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash

Before the period in my life when I went to the beach to take voyeuristic photos of women in bikinis so that I could post them on the internet and before my current fear of taking off my shirt in public, I went to the beach to enjoy the salty air, cool blue water and the sound of crashing waves. The Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash reminds me of those simpler times when I wasn’t the freak on the beach with his shirt on who would have the meanest farmer’s tan and armed with a camera with a telephoto lens pretending to take photos of natural scenery.

The body wash’s pleasant fragrant and slightly salty scent reminds me of those days spent lounging and swimming at Hapuna Beach when I was a youngster and not a pervert. Sometimes I would swim out a little farther than everyone else and, while treading water, I would urinate in the Pacific Ocean with a big smile on my face. No pulling down my shorts. No aiming. Just letting it flow into the largest toilet bowl on the planet. For some reason the warm urine felt good as it escaped my body and mixed with the cold sea water. It’s a feeling I think everyone should experience, unless you’re at a beach that’s known for its regular shark sightings.

No, peeing in a swimming pool is not the same. Peeing in a swimming pool is for savages.

The Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash smells very similar to the Method Sea Mineral Hand Wash, but not as strong. If you’re not familiar with Method products, they are eco-friendly, haven’t been tested on animals and don’t contain ingredients that are considered to be pollutants or possible irritants, like parabens, phthalates and EDTA. One ingredient that this body wash does contain is sea salt, which gives it its slightly salty scent and is supposed to help purify the skin. But don’t expect the body wash to have granules of salt to exfoliate your skin or enough sodium to make your skin lickable to a race horse.

Because it’s eco-friendly, some people might think that it doesn’t clean as well as regular body washes, but it lathers up nicely, makes my naked body clean and leaves me smelling great in a scent that’s suitable for a man with a camera or the bikini clad woman he is secretly taking pictures of.

Item: Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash
Price: $6.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Nice fragrant, slightly salty unisex scent. Sexy curvy bottle. Reminds me of the beach. Doesn’t contain harmful pollutants or irritants. Not tested on animals. Lathers up nicely. Hapuna Beach.
Cons: Pricey. Might be difficult to find. Peeing in a swimming pool. Cap might be hard to recycle. Taking voyeuristic photos of unsuspecting women in bikinis. My fear of taking off my shirt in public.

REVIEW: Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo

Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo

As some of you know, I have a tendency to do things with the sexy, curvy bottles from the eco-friendly personal care and home cleaning product company Method that in all human cases would force me to have to register as a sex offender.

I will admit that I’m a little too friendly with them and I’ve been seeking help for it, but I would’ve never thought I’d find help in the form of a Method product bottle. The Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo is the first Method product that I have no desire to be playful with or to rub gently between my thighs, even though the toy-shaped bottle looks like it has a huge mouth waiting for something huge to fill it.

The bottle is curvy like most Method products, but it’s not a sexy curvy. It’s more like a cute curvy and I don’t feel comfortable fondling something the reminds me of my childhood friend, Totoro. So like Nicorette gum eventually weans people off of cigarettes, this cute, but not sexy bottle is slowly getting rid of my desire to molest other Method bottles.

The Method Kid Squeaky Clean Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 is a tear-free shampoo, conditioner and body wash all wrapped into a bottle that I don’t want to touch in a way that makes it feel uncomfortable. The orange cream colored product inside has a consistency that’s a little more watery than most shampoos and body washes and it also doesn’t lather up as much. It’s 99% natural, hypo-allergenic and it’s never been tested on animals.

Its scent didn’t smell very peachy at first, instead it was a little more tropical, like a pina colada. So if your kid likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. If they’re not into yoga. If they have half-a-brain. If they’d like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape. Then this product is the love that they’ve looked for. Pick it up and escape.

The best part of the Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo is the way it doles out its product. Its dispensing mechanism is on the bottom of the bottle and it doesn’t need a cap, because it has been engineered to have the leak prevention power of well Kegel exercised muscles on steroids. Or a more appropriate way to explain it, since where it’s dispensed is located at the bottom of the toy character-shaped bottle and between its legs, would be to say that it’s like an asshole (and I’m talking anatomical not Christian Bale). This bit of technology, I assume, makes it easier for parents to wash their little children because they don’t have to worry about flipping bottle tops or anything bothersome like that.

If I had a kid, I would probably pick up Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo because I would only need one product to clean my kid, I can use the fun-shaped bottle to entertain him or her, it’s 99% natural, it’s hypo-allergenic and it would help prevent me from fondling the Method hand soap bottle next to the sink.

Item: Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo
Price: $7.49
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A body wash, shampoo and conditioner all in one. Nice tropical scent. 99% natural. Hypo-allergenic. Really cool dispensing mechanism. Kegel exercises.
Cons: Doesn’t smell peachy at first. Kind of pricey. Doesn’t lather up very well. Watery than most body washes and shampoos. My problem with fondling Method bottles.

Method Sweet Water Aroma Ring

Meditation is something I try to do whenever I want to clear my mind, body, and soul. I’ll just sit on the floor with my legs crossed, close my eyes, inhale deeply, hold each breath for a moment, and then slowly exhale. Chanting sutras are optional…and so are clothing.

I like to call my quiet place, “solitary confinement,” because just like actual prison solitary confinement it allows me to spend time alone with myself and I get away from the daily anal raping, except anal raping to me is a metaphor for the daily grind, while for inmates it’s actual anal raping.

To get to my quiet place, I need to have optimal conditions, which is somewhat similar to the conditions needed for me to get down and shake my thang on the dance floor — a large open space, not much light, and a nice aroma in the air.

The first two are easy, because I live alone with the curtains always closed, but getting a nice aroma has been difficult to accomplish. I’ve tried obtaining meditating scents through the usual means, like incense, flowers, and cheap unemployed strippers, but I can’t light incense since I can’t have an open flame in my apartment, flowers are expensive to buy on a weekly basis, and cheap unemployed strippers quickly become employed again when they either work at another club or they decide to do porn.

A relaxing scent is essential when meditating because it’s hard to align my chakra when I’m smelling my own sweaty, deodorant-less, naked body. So over the past few weeks I’ve been trying the Method Sweet Water Aroma Ring while I meditate. It consists of a plastic ring that has slots for what Method calls a “fragrance disc,” which has a liquid fragrance that diffuses through a membrane. Think of it as aroma osmosis trying to cover up the stank that is my putrid body odor.

The Method Sweet Water Aroma Ring doesn’t need electricity or batteries to operate and it contains two fragrance discs, each of which lasts up to four weeks. If you live with a roommate who doesn’t understand the concept that higher humidity minus deodorant plus more sweat equals horrible stank, you can use two of the fragrance discs at the same time in the Aroma Ring and attach it around your neck, but for most situations, only one is needed. Additional fragrance discs can be purchased in packs of two for around five dollars.

The Sweet Water’s sweet floral scent was kind of awkward at first, but just like the aroma of my own poop, I got used to it. I also thought the Aroma Ring would make a wonderful car air freshener, but apparently its membrane hates the triple-digit temperatures that my car’s interior reaches while it’s parked in the sun. After several days in my car, the edges of the fragrance disc cracked, making it sort of look like the Eye of Sauron or the eye of one really stoned mofo.

While using the Aroma Ring during my hardcore meditation sessions I could smell its sweet scent as I sat in the middle of my darkened open space, but it wasn’t strong enough to overcome the other smells circling the room, like the frozen pizza I was baking in my oven and my sweaty, deodorant-less, naked body.

According to the packaging, the Method Aroma Ring works best in smaller rooms, like bathrooms, bedrooms, walk-in porn closets, or the secret little area you hide in whenever the police come knocking on your door. Since my meditation room is a medium-sized room, it probably wasn’t the optimal place for the Aroma Ring to do its thing.

Overall, I found that the Method Sweet Water Aroma Ring can’t provide me with a nice consistent aroma in my meditation room due the room’s size. However, the Sweet Water scent was pleasant after I got used to it and the fragrance discs lasted for a good amount of time. Personally, I think I need something with a stronger scent, because my sweaty, deodorant-less, naked body is pretty stank.

Item: Method Sweet Water Aroma Ring
Price: $8.00
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sweet Water scent was pleasant after I got used to it. Comes with two fragrance discs. No batteries or electricity needed. Fragrance discs lasts around four weeks. Biodegradable. Kid and pet friendly. No animal testing. If you’re French, instructions also come in French. Cheap unemployed strippers.
Cons: Pricey. Replacement fragrance discs are pricey. Not good enough for a consistent aroma while I meditate. Can’t use as car air freshener. Meant for smaller rooms. Scent not powerful enough for my stank body. Looks like something drunk dudes would hump. My stank sweaty, deodorant-less, naked body. Cheap employed strippers.

NEWS: I Like My Method Bottles Like Flo Jo

Oh, Sir Mix-A-Lot, I now feel your pain and truly understand when you said, “I’m tired of magazines, sayin’ flat butts are the thing. Take the average black man and ask him that, she gotta pack much back.”

The new Method Bloq line lacks the most noticeable attribute about Method cleaning products — their juicy, sexy curves. It’s the main reasons why I’m a Method fanboy and why when I hold one of those curvy Method bottles I feel a lot less lonely.

Being the semi-treehugger that I am, I also like Method cleaning products because they’re biodegradable, use recyclable packaging, and aren’t tested on animals.

I’m happy the Method Bloq line of body washes, bars of soap, body lotion, and shaving cream continues the Method tradition of being environmentally friendly, but disappointed that it breaks away from the stereotypical Method packaging by being flat like a table or anorexic, drug-addicted supermodel whose name starts with “K” and ends with “Ate Moss.”

Each product in the Bloq line comes in a variety of scents and prices range from $6 to $8.

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