I’ve gone through an entire bottle of Miracle Bubbles, blowing more bubbles than a bus load of bored bubble gum chewers, and I have found nothing miraculous about it. There’s as much “miracle” in it as there is in a jar of Miracle Whip.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. There is one thing miraculous about Miracle Whip and it’s that people still eat it.

I don’t know what I liked about blowing bubbles when growing up. I would blow bubbles into the air and then try to swat at them, like they were mosquitos, bees or if I just sniffed some rubber cement, the floating heads of the band KISS.

Keep that tongue away from me Gene Simmons!

Oh sorry, flashback.

(Editor’s Note: Now children, sniffing rubber cement is bad, m’kay.)

I’d also try to catch some of the bubbles in my mouth and attempt to make huge bubbles, which always ended up with the bubble bursting and the bubble solution landing in my eye, causing it to burn and me go crying to my mommy, like the little pussy I was back then in 2004.

Much like a vibrator with low batteries, I don’t think anyone could get much fun out of a bottle of Miracle Bubbles. Although, I think several minutes of fun can be had if you decided to blow some Miracle Bubbles in the direction of a baby, cat, dog, or crazy hobo. Consider it liquid entertainment for a baby, a liquid ball of yarn for a cat, a liquid chew toy for a dog, or liquid voices in the head of a crazy hobo.

The bottle of Miracle Bubbles would be even less fun without the included Chinese-made Miracle Wand, much like how some wands are less fun without Viagra. Without it, it would be hard to make bubbles with the Mexican-made bubble solution. I think playing with Miracle Bubbles is as fun as making the actual Miracle Bubbles in a Mexican factory.

A bottle of Miracle Bubbles could become fun if it actually could perform miracles, like float in the air and ignore the laws of gravity, part the Red Sea, turn water into wine, get Aaron and Nick Carter their own reality show, give Larry the Cable Guy a career, or get a woman to talk to me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love bubbles.

I love it with soap.

I love it with shampoo.

I love it with toothpaste.

I even love Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls.

But despite going through a whole bottle of Miracle Bubbles, it just didn’t excite me. Although, it might’ve been different if I had a cat, dog, or crazy hobo around.

Item: Miracle Bubbles
Price: 50 cents
Purchased at: A store with a bunch of cheap junk
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Fun with cats, dogs, and crazy hobos. Non-toxic, but also non-edible. Miracle wand included! Brings together cheap labor from China AND Mexico.
Cons: Seconds of fun, unless you have a cat, dog, or crazy hobo. Kinda messy with dripping bubble solution. Not for children under the age of 3. Nothing really miraculous about the bubbles. Miracle Whip. A vibrator with low batteries.

Cargo Magazine was like a quasi-product review blog editor’s Playboy Magazine, because they each contain pictures of things that I will never have - either beautiful, naked, and airbrushed women or overpriced, trendy goods.

Now there’s a “was” near the beginning of the previous sentence because the May 2006 issue of Cargo Magazine was the last issue EVER. It now ceases to exist much just like other magazines I’ve enjoyed over the years, such as Unshaven Hermit Weekly, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Cleanliness Magazine, and Gangsta Wannabe Monthly.

Cargo Magazine was also like Playboy because with both magazines, pages sometimes stuck together. Although, with the Cargo Magazine, the reason why they stuck together was because of the sticker tabs that were in every issue, which allowed readers to mark the pages that contained products they could buy, if they were rich or sold one of their kidneys.

What am I going to do now without Cargo Magazine?

How will I learn about what’s cool, hot, hip, trendy, awesome, radical, phat, fly, stylish, happening, and groovy?

Where else can I read about a $500 pair of Italian leather Gucci shoes, $150 corduroy men’s capri shorts, and $100 designer t-shirts?

Where else can I learn about a $250,000 sports car which I could buy if I were going through a midlife crisis or needed to compensate for particular physical deficiencies?

What magazine will I turn to when I want to view fourteen straight pages of advertisements with handsome skinny young white men in European designer clothing with pretty skinny young white women in either European designer clothing or nothing at all?

How am I going to learn about the latest cell phones that will allow me to have A-Ha’s Take On Me as a ringtone, text message my friend in the club who is standing right next to me, and take voyeuristic photos of hot chicks at the mall?

Without Cargo Magazine, I don’t know how I can spend entire paychecks or get further into credit card debit?

I shall miss you Cargo Magazine.

Sitting on the porcelain throne will never be the same.

(Editor’s Note: Did you know you could buy REALLY cheap magazine subscriptions on eBay? Search eBay for whatever magazine title you want and voila. Subscriptions take 8 to 10 weeks to begin, but that’s the same amount of time it takes if you were to use a subscription card. Unfortunately, no Cargo Magazine. Playboy on the other hand…)

Item: Cargo Magazine
Purchased Price: $4.99 (2-year subscription)
Purchased At: eBay
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: The Playboy for quasi-product review blog editors. Tells me what’s cool and hip. Something to read on the throne. Cheap magazine subscriptions on eBay.
Cons: No longer in existence. Full of things I can’t afford. Excessive amount of ads of beautiful people. Number twos won’t be the same. Particular physical deficiencies. The loss of Gangsta Wannabe Monthly.

(Editor’s Note: To get the full effect of today’s review, you must read it like you’re an evil scientist. Trust me, the review will be better.)

SUDOKU!!!

You taunt me with your numbers and blank boxes, making me spend hours trying to figure out your mysterious ways. The pressure of trying to solve you permeates from my body into my pencil’s eraser and then into weak newspaper paper, causing it to tear, along with my hopes and dreams of solving the mystery that is you.

You look so easy to do, but are difficult like William Faulkner novels and making women orgasm.

Despite all that time spent, I have yet to solve one of you, and you are now on my list of things I have yet to solve, which grows longer every year.

This list includes: the Rubik’s Cube, a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of kittens, a crossword puzzle on the back of a Denny’s paper place mat, a word find puzzle on a Frosted Flakes box I opened in 1993, and the Da Vinci Code.

But I feel your days are numbered, Sudoku. For I have the key to unlocking your mysteries. It is the Staples Easy Button, which will make quick work of your numeric ways. For I have seen its power and it is magnificent.

Just by pressing the Staples Easy Button, entire offices have been cleaned, ink cartridges have fallen from the sky, and the Great Wall of China can instantly pop out of the ground.

It is as powerful as the fortune-telling Magic 8 Ball, which has accurately predicted on many occasions that I will not get laid.

It was difficult trying to find the elusive Staples Easy Button. For the Staples online store has been sold out for months. I thought, if only I had a Staples Easy Button to make it easier to find a Staples Easy Button. However, I ended up doing something much easier…eBay.

It was well worth the $4.75 plus $4.99 shipping to have the opportunity to see you unraveled, Sudoku. Now with one press of this Staples Easy Button, all your answers will be revealed!

(Presses Staples Easy Button)

“That was easy.”

What? Where are the answers?

(Presses Staples Easy Button again)

“That was easy.”

Why won’t you show me the answers, Staples Easy Button?

(Presses it again)

“That was easy.”

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The Staples Easy Button doesn’t work!

You may have won this battle, but you have yet to win the war, Sudoku. I shall unlock your mysteries someday.

SUDOKU!!!

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Muneer for letting me know about the Staples Easy Button. If only it could truly make my life easier.)


Item: Staples Easy Button
Price: $4.75 (plus shipping)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Says “That was easy” when button is pushed. Batteries included. Nice novelty item to have on your desk at work. Kittens. Frosted Flakes.
Cons: Totally ineffective in making things easy. It can’t even make Paris Hilton easier. Not available at Staples online store. Can easily annoy those around you if pressed too many times. My inability to solve a sudoku, figure out a Rubik’s Cube, put together a jigsaw puzzle, and make women orgasm. William Faulkner novels.

It seems like every time I wear one of my shirts from Threadless, women want to look at my chest.

They’ll say, “What does your shirt say?” or “I’m just reading your shirt.” But I know that it’s just some excuse to look at my chest. It’s so obvious.

I feel so cheap and dirty. I feel more like an object, than a person.

Hey women, I’m up here, not down there. The last time I checked, my chest can’t hold a conversation.

I guess the least they could do is be a little more secretive when staring at my chest, like wear sunglasses or make strategically placed holes through a newspaper.

I’m not a piece of meat. I’m not their Brad Pitt to ogle and drool over. I have feelings, beliefs, dreams, compassion, intelligence, and a heart in this body of mine. There’s more to me than just my chest.

I wonder how women would like it if I stared at their chests?

Wondering if they’re fake or real?

Wondering if their nipples are pierced?

Wondering if they would like it if I said, “honk, honk,” while squeezing their chest?

Wondering if they like having their nipples twisted like they were radio dials?

I bet women definitely wouldn’t like it if I stared at their chests.

Although I will admit, my chest is probably my best physical feature. If you saw the rest of me, you’d probably agree. I guess doing five pushups a day has really helped. Although, my chest is only my best feature when I have it covered with a shirt. Without a shirt…Well, let’s just say, you really don’t want to see that, especially if you’ve eaten something.

Now some of you maybe thinking that I should stop wearing the Threadless shirts so that women won’t have an excuse to look at my chest, but I like these shirts because some of them are really clever and funny. But it’s not just clever and funny shirts, there are also very cute, artsy, meaningful, and unusual shirts at Threadless. Although, those are usually too hip for me and would probably draw even more attention to my chest.

At Threadless, shirt designs are submitted by talented, mostly unknown designers and artists from all over and Threadless members get to vote for the shirt designs that will be printed. It’s like American Idol, except without Paula Abdul’s weird clapping and Simon Cowell’s asshole-ness.

Shirts cost $15 each, plus shipping, but several times per year Threadless has a $10 sale on all their shirts to get rid of older stock. Speaking of stock, all the shirts that Threadless prints are limited-edition. So if they run out of a particular design, it’s usually gone for good, unless a whole bunch of people ask for another printing of the shirt.

Since I won’t stop wearing Threadless shirts, I guess I’ll let women continue to stare at my chest, but I still don’t approve of it. Hopefully, women will grow to appreciate what’s inside, instead of what’s on the outside.

Item: Threadless.com
Purchased Price: $15 per shirt (Except during the $10 sale)
Purchased At: Threadless
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Very original designs, created by some very talented unknown people. Semi annual $10 sale. Appreciating someone for what’s on the inside. My chest with a shirt.
Cons: Some shirts are just too hip for me. Women staring at my chest. Being an object of desire rather than of a person of intelligence. Asshole-ness. My chest without a shirt.

Thongs…They’re usually worn by women, European male sunbathers, and male strippers.

I think they look totally hot on women, but as for European male sunbathers and male strippers, not so much. You may think I’m a little biased about that because I’m straight, but I have female friends who also think men in thongs aren’t hot at all.

However, I think my female friends who think this way are in the minority, because for some reason, if you stick a bunch of women in a room with lots of alcohol, huge wads of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, they go unbelievably crazy over the guys in thongs.

I want women to go unbelievably crazy over me and the only way I believe I can do this is to start wearing thongs. Now I’m usually a boxer or boxer brief kind of guy, depending on how much freedom on a particular day I want to give my “cucumber and tomatoes,” but maybe it was time for something different.

So I went to my local Jockey Store and picked up a Jockey Next to Nothing Thong, which is the significantly less fabric consuming, but almost equally priced, cousin of the Jockey Next to Nothing Boxer Brief, which I reviewed last year. When I went to the counter to pay for the thong, I asked the cute saleswoman if she likes guys who wear thongs. She looked at me weird, like I asked her an uncomfortable question, and then said she doesn’t like guys in thongs.

However, I think if you stuck her in a room with a bunch of other women, lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, she would say otherwise while licking whipped cream off of the pierced nipples of one of the thonged men.

Anyway, the first thing I did when I got home with my brand new thong was wash and dry it, just in case some other dude’s sperm kettle was in it.

To be honest, I should be used to having my underwear run up my ass. After all, I received a lot of wedgies growing up, and in those days I wore exclusively tighty-whiteys. If you’ve never experienced a tighty-whitey wedgie, you are either a fast runner or you were probably one of those people who gave kids like me wedgies.

Anyway, when I first put the thong on, it felt kind of good, but the soft microfiber material might’ve had something to do with that. The front felt like a tighty-whitey, while the back felt like I was being preparing for a sumo wrestling match. Also, I suddenly wished I either had a black bow tie around my neck or a fake rip-away policeman or fireman uniform.

As I walked around in the thong, I felt the “crack cover” part of the thong get sucked in by my ass. I kept pulling it out, but I quickly learned if the “crack cover” is getting sucked in between the cheeks, I should not pull it out, because it’s just going to get sucked in again. I should just get used to it.

After about an hour of wearing it, I got used to it and wearing the thong got comfortable, from the “crack cover” to the “taint topper” to the “chestnut roaster.” Even when I went running with them, it didn’t feel uncomfortable.

Despite the comfortable feeling, I don’t think I’ll be wearing a thong on a regular basis. First off, my semi-flat Asian ass doesn’t look very good in a thong. Also, I’m afraid of being caught with a whale tail.

So I guess I’ll have to find another way to get women to go unbelievably crazy over me. Too bad I don’t have a large room with lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollars bills, a tan, and an oily body.

Item: Jockey Next to Nothing Thong/Wearing a Thong
Price: $11.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Jockey Store
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 (Jockey Next to Nothing Thong)
Rating: 3 out of 5 (Wearing a thong)
Pros: Microfiber is soft. The thong eventually got comfortable. I got used to the “crack cover” getting sucked in by my ass. Good “cucumber and tomatoes” support. Thongs on women.
Cons: Whale tail. My ass does not look good in a thong. Wedgies. Thongs on European male sunbathers.

While in high school and college, I tried to learn about the opposite sex by reading my twin sister’s Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, and Marie Claire magazines.

I even took those silly quizzes. However, now that I think about it, all I’ve learned from those quizzes were; I’m a bitch and a skanky ho.

Despite reading women’s magazines, I still wasn’t very good at impressing women in high school and college. However, looking back, the permed hair I had during those years might’ve been the reason why I wasn’t successful with women.

Recently, I picked up the June 2005 issue of The Oprah Magazine, or “O” for short, because there was an interview with Jon Stewart in it and I didn’t like the quizzes offered in the other women’s magazines.

Do I really need to know how much of a flirt I am? Or, do I need to know if my man is cheating on me? I don’t think so.

Anyway, the issue I picked up is apparently the “men’s issue,” with a lot of articles about men. However, I found out that it’s strong enough for a man, but with the tampon ads, made for woman.

After reading the magazine, I didn’t learn much about the opposite sex, but I did see some nice things to buy for a girlfriend, if I had one, and I also have a newly-discovered jealousy of women’s magazines.

I’m jealous because there are frickin’ coupons in the magazine. There’s a 3 Musketeers coupon, an All laundry detergent coupon, and TWO coupons for the McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad.

All we’ve got in men’s magazines are women in bikinis and lingerie, sports cars, and cool gadgets. Those are all great things, but why can’t we get some coupons too? I would totally dig some Burger King coupons or lap dance coupons.

Another cool thing about The Oprah Magazine is Oprah.

For a 51-year old woman, she is looking so fine. If Stedman wasn’t in her life, I’d be totally trying to mack with her.

You might think I’d only mack with her because she’s got a lot of money, but no, that wouldn’t be the case. I’d do it because I think she’s hot and maybe together we could have my wildest dream on her Wildest Dreams Bus.

Despite the interview with Jon Stewart, the coupons, and hot pictures of Oprah, there were a few things that bothered me about the magazine: The pictures of Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil is a scary-looking and scary-sounding man. Just the sight of him makes my Oprah boner turn flaccid.

Item: The Oprah Magazine (June 2005 Issue)
Purchase Price: $3.95
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ coupons! Oprah. Jon Stewart interview.
Cons: Dr. Phil is scary (and insane).

In my head, there’s a mental list called, “Things I Do Not Want To Be Caught Doing.”

Some of the things on that list include:

(1) Buying or listening to a Kidz Bop CD.
(2) Saying I love Yanni’s music to impress a girl.
(3) Pretending I’m an underwear model.

The other day, I almost got caught pretending to be an underwear model, because of these Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Briefs.

Looking at myself in the mirror in my underwear for long periods of time is not something I do, unless I happen to be in my underwear when I’m doing my weekly affirmation, which I say to myself, “I’m a sexy, sexy beast. Yeah, I am. Oh yeah, you like this? I know you do, baby! Uh-huh.”

I couldn’t stop pretending to model underwear because the Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief made me feel sexy, without the weekly affirmation. Of course, they made me feel sexy, but they didn’t make me look sexy. They didn’t magically turn me into Marky Mark, because my abs more closely resemble a keg than a six-pack.

Although I have to admit, my entire upper body may have not looked too good in them, but my ass, albeit a little flat, looked good. It looked so good, that I had to wonder what it looked like if I shook it.

Of course, this meant I needed the appropriate booty-shaking music. The only song on my iPod that could truly fit the bill was Wreckx-N-Effect’s “Rump Shaker.”

While shaking my ass, I liked the way the Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief hugged the curves of my lower body, which was a much different feeling than the boxers I usually wear. It also provided good support of my twig and berries, kind of like tighty-whities, but not too tight and not as white, which means no skidmarks.

One problem I had with the underwear was its name, Next To Nothing, because I can think of a few other things I could wear that are closer to next to nothing, like a thong or a fig leaf. Of course, wearing a thong or a fig leaf are other things I do not want to be caught doing.

Unfortunately, when I went back to the Jockey store to pick up more, I found out that Jockey discontinued the Next To Nothing line, which explained the reason why the price was discounted by over 50 percent.

After I found that out, I wondered, “How will I feel sexy now? Because the effects of those weekly affirmations only lasts for a few minutes.”

Thanks, Jockey.

(Editor’s Note #1: Sure, I could show you what the Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief looks like on me with pictures, but that would be a little too risque and I don’t have clean socks to stuff down my crotch.)

(Editor’s Note #3: Warning video may contain images not suitable for children, or anyone else.)

Item: Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief
Purchase Price: $7.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Made my ass look good. Good support of my undercarriage. Made me feel sexy, without affirmations.
Cons: Discontinued. Doesn’t come in a size smaller than medium. Pretending to be an underwear model when you don’t have the body of an underwear model.