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New Kids on the Block – Summertime

Written by | May 20, 2008

Topics: 7 Rating, Misc, Music

I just found my summer jam, y’all! New Kids on the Block “Summertime.” I’m going to bump this track in my white 2003 Toyota Corolla LE that only elderly Asian women seem to drive with stock speakers, stock CD player, and my loan paid off on it. HOLLAAA!

It’s better than my previous summer jam, Riskay’s “Smell Yo Dick.”

I can’t believe I’m saying a New Kids on the Block song is a good song. Sure, the sweet, sugary, and simple lyrics will make my teeth fall out because some dude is going to punch me in the mouth for playing it too loud. But what do you expect? It’s a boy band pop song, which usually lack metaphors, substance, and the ability to impress women when I’m bumping it in my ride.

It would be easy for me to dismiss the song as typical radio-friendly, boy band crap, and then say I listen to sophisticated music like the rock band The Decemberists, hip-hop artist Aesop Rock, or any other band that you’ve probably never heard of, but that would make me a snobby music asshole. It would also make me a liar, because according to iTunes I have played this really catchy song 34 times since purchasing it on May 13th, and I’m pretty sure I know all the lyrics by now.

With your flip flops, half shirt, short shorts, mini skirt,
Walkin’ on the beach, so pretty,
You wasn’t lookin’ for a man,
When you saw me in the sand,
But you fell for the boy from the city.

As you can tell from the lyrics above, the song is about a girl, duh! What boy band song isn’t? They’re reminiscing about a summer love that happened many years ago when acidwashed jeans were cool and Donnie Wahlberg didn’t have a receding hairline. I like to reflect about old loves as well, but unfortunately when I do, it doesn’t involve writing and singing a song about them. Instead it involves me and my therapist or me and a bottle of vodka, both of which results in me crying and yelling, “You think you’re better than me!” Also, I don’t know about you, but to me, it’s always weird when five guys are singing about one particular girl. It just seems like a musical gangbang with a bukkake of vocals.

The song is not perfect. The first few notes of this little ditty made me think New Kids on the Block was going to break out into a reggae song and it would’ve been nice if there was a little edge to it, like there was with “Hangin’ Tough.” I guess what I’m trying to say is that the song really needed a Donnie Wahlberg rap somewhere. Or even a Marky Mark cameo would’ve been cool. I don’t know if Donnie has the skills to pay the bills when it comes to rhyming anymore, so I wrote some funky fresh lines that could be stuck in between the second and third verses.

Sippin’ on milkshake was how we would spend our time.
Why no alcohol? Because we were too young for wine.
I got to first base, I slid to second, but didn’t go for three.
We didn’t go all the way, because I believed in celibacy.
Now all that are just memories of a summer’s past.
Looking back, I really, really regret not tappin’ yo’ ass.

(Editor’s Note: Relive the 1980s and 1990s with these three NKOTB videos: You Got It (The Right Stuff), Hangin’ Tough, and my personal favorite, Step by Step. Also, to celebrate the NKOTB reunion, I decorated my computer’s desktop for the occasion, which you can see below. That’s right, I’m hardcore.)

Item: New Kids on the Block – Summertime
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: iTunes Store
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Catchy pop song. Acidwashed jeans in the 1980s-1990s. My NKOTB wallpaper and hard drive icons. Paid off my car loan.
Cons: Admitting that I actually like this song and losing any musical cred I had. No Donnie Wahlberg rap. Acidwashed jeans in the 21st century.

Listen to the audio version

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The Shopping Cart #3

Written by | October 1, 2006

Topics: Clothing, Music, The Shopping Cart

The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Wearing That Shows My Inability To Properly Use Long Hard Things

Yes, I don’t know how to use chopsticks, especially those damn long plastic Chinese chopsticks.

My Japanese ancestors are probably rolling in their graves…Oh wait, they were cremated. Let me rephrase the previous sentence. My Japanese ancestors are probably kicking up ashes in their urns, because I have the chopstick proficiency of a one-year-old in Japan or a nervous, old horny man experiencing nyotaimori (Possible NSFW) for the very first time.

Over the years, I’ve gotten better at eating with chopsticks. As long as I can stab what I’m eating, I won’t starve. But when it comes to eating noodles or rice with chopsticks, I instantly jump on the Atkins low-carb diet.

I’m ashamed of my chopstick ineptness and have been wearing this recently purchased Threadless t-shirt called “Sticks of Shame” like a scarlet letter. The design says something in Japanese, but I can’t read it at all, which in turn is making my Japanese ancestors kick up ashes in their urns again.

Fortunately, the English translation is printed in small type on the right side. It says, “I can’t use chopsticks. Because of this, MY FACE BURNS WITH SHAME!!!…can I please have fork.”

I would also settle for a spork.

Whut’s Bumpin’ In My Totally Un-Pimped Out Japanese Compact Car

Aw yeah! Now dats whut I’m talkin’ ’bout, y’all!

My man, Weird Al is dropping some crazy shit on y’all wit his new joint, “White & Nerdy” from his brand new album, “Straight Outta Lynwood.” Lynwood! Represent!

It’s a parody of smooth southern rapper Chamillionaire’s joint “Ridin’.” Yo, I gots to say dat dis gots to be one of da illest parodies dat, my boy, Weird Al has done. Ya heard!

Yo, some of y’all might not think dis polka boy gots da skillz to be droppin’ mad rhymes, but yo, check da lyrics, y’all. Check da lyrics.

I’ve been browsin’, inspectin’
X-Men comics, you know I collect ‘em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect ‘em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL

Dang! Dat white boy can drop rhymes, y’all. So if y’all wants to be shakin’ your asses at your next LAN party, Dungeons & Dragons gathering, or at da comic book store, go buy dis phat track.

Da video fo’ “White & Nerdy,” is on YouTube, so go check it out.

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Webstar & Young B – Chicken Noodle Soup

Written by | September 20, 2006

Topics: Music

(Editor’s Note: Before I begin this review, I think it’s necessary for you to hear a 30 second sample before reading the rest of this review, because I don’t know how many of you have listened to this song. So click here to hear the sample.)

Today, I’m going to explain the anatomy of an annoyingly catchy song.

There are various things that musicians and album producers do to turn a horrible song into something that becomes mentally tattooed on our brains. It’s sort of like how aerosol potpourri sprays cover up that massive dump you just took in the bathroom after eating a hearty steak dinner.

The potpourri spray smells good at first, but if you hang around the bathroom too long, the crappy smell returns. In the case of the annoyingly catchy song, it sounds good at first, making you want to shake your ass, but after you’ve listened to it for a while, you realize how crappy it truly is and you regret spending the 99 cents for it at the iTunes Store. It’s so crappy that you wouldn’t even bother downloading the torrent for it.

After listening to several annoyingly catchy songs, including the subject of today’s review, “Chicken Noodle Soup” by Webstar & Young B, I think I’ve pinpointed what makes an annoyingly catchy song so memorable.

1. Repetition of lyrics. Repetition of lyrics. Repetition of lyrics.

If there’s one thing that makes an annoyingly catchy song memorable, it’s repetition of lyrics. Just like learning the multiplication table, the periodic table, mixed drinks, and putting the toilet seat down for the ladies, repetition has always made it easier to remember things, like song lyrics, even if you don’t want to.

The Chicken Noodle Soup song lasts for only 203 seconds, but the lines “Let it rain. Clear it out” is said 26 times, “Let’s get it” is sung 21 times, and the title of the song, “Chicken noodle soup” is sung 18 times. So if my math is correct, there’s a “Let it rain. Clear it out” for every eight seconds of the song.

Of course, these are no where close to the 55 times the phrase “peanut butter jelly” is said in the Buckwheat Boyz song “Peanut Butter and Jelly.” But hearing the words “chicken noodle soup” 18 times in one song is enough to make the song pop up in my head whenever I walk through the soup aisle at my grocery store and sing under my breath, “Chicken noodle soup. Chicken noodle soup. Chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side.”

2. Make it ass-shakeable.

For some adults, listening or watching The Wiggles or Barney the purple dinosaur causes quick channel changing, violent shaking of televisions, uncontrollable crying, and impromptu games of Russian Roulette. It also makes some parents wonder if having to tolerate The Wiggles or Barney was worth having children.

However, with young children they are very successful because those crazy colorful Australians and that frickin’ big ass purple dinosaur make children want to dance. Annoying catchy songs do the exact same thing in the clubs or in your car. But then again, there’s lots of alcohol at any club, and if alcohol has the power to make me look good to women at a club, it also has the power to make a song ass-shakeable, no matter how stupid the lyrics are.

What also helps make a song ass-shakeable is the use a sound effect repeatedly in the beat. A lot of hip-hop producers weave police sirens into their beats, which on several occasion have caused me to look in my rear view mirror to see if I’m being pulled over or if I need to make way for an ambulance. In the Chicken Noodle Soup song, there’s an air raid siren which just doesn’t want to stop in my head, even when the song is over.

3. Have lyrics and a title that make no sense at all, and if possible, relate it to food.

“Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?”

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard?”

“Chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side?”

Monkeys with typewriters could probably come up with better lyrics than these annoyingly catchy songs, if monkeys had the ability to form words, sentences, paragraphs, and knew how to work a QWERTY keyboard.

But history has shown that crazy lyrics that are repeated over and over again, have references to food, and have an ass-shakeable beat with them equals annoyingly catchy goodness and eventually a reference on Family Guy.

Item: Webstar & Young B – Chicken Noodle Soup
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: iTunes Store
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Annoyingly catchy. Makes me want to shake my ass when there’s alcohol in my system. Possible future Family Guy reference.
Cons: Excessive use of air raid sirens. Repetitive lyrics. Me shaking my ass. Lyrics make no sense. The Wiggles and Barney.

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The Shopping Cart #1

Written by | September 5, 2006

Topics: Beverage, Music, The Shopping Cart

(Editor’s Note: Today, I’m introducing a new section at The Impulsive Buy called The Shopping Cart, which will consist of products that I’ve purchased, but won’t write a full review for, and products that I’m lusting over, but either can’t afford, can’t find, or it’s only available in dark alleys.)

What I’m Listening To That May Sound Perverted, But Really Isn’t…I Promise

It sounds like there should be something sexual about a song called “Easy” by the Barenaked Ladies, but rest assured there is nothing sexual about it, and I am disappointed about that. However, if it was sung by either Marvin Gaye, Barry White, or the 2 Live Crew, then it probably would’ve been sexual and I would’ve added it to my “Gettin’ It On” mixtape.

“Easy” is the first single from the upcoming Barenaked Ladies album, Barenaked Ladies Are Me, which is being released in the middle of September. I’ve been listening to both the album version, which I purchased from iTunes (99 cents), and the acoustic version, which I downloaded via eMusic (monthly subscription).

It’s a mellow song and is not as fun as many of their previous tracks, like “One Week” and “Another Postcard,” which make me want to grab a hairbrush and lip sync the lyrics in my bathroom mirror. There’s definitely no “Chickity china the Chinese chicken,” but I’m fine with that.

What I’m Drinking That Keeps Reminding Me Of Jay-Z

When I think of hip-hop and beverages, there are only two beverages that come to mind: Cristal and St. Ides. Cristal has been mentioned in hip-hop lyrics by Jay-Z, P. Diddy, Busta Rhymes, Master P, and I’m sure many others. As for St. Ides, this was what former spokesperson Ice Cube had to say about the malt liquor:

Once again it’s on, I’m gone out the front door.
Ice Cube in the glass house, headin’ for the store.
To get a beer that’s better than the rest.
The S-T-period-I-D-E-to-the-S.
and it will put hair on your chest.
In the black can, so why don’t you grab a six pack and,
get your girl in the mood quicker
Get your jimmy thicker with St. Ides malt liquor.

A few months ago, I tried the Izze Sparkling Pomegranate and every time I drank one all I could think about was “H to the izz-O/V to the izz-A/Fo’ shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in VA.” For those of you who aren’t down with hip-hop, that’s a line from the Jay-Z song “Izzo (H.O.V.A.).” Get it? Izz-E. Izz-O. Izz-A.

Anyway, its tart taste was good, but not great. However, the pomegranate made me feel like I was drinking something healthy, so it made up a little for the taste. I don’t know if the Izze Sparkling Pomegranate is good enough to make it into hip-hop lyrics, but with Jay-Z’s boycott of Cristal it’s one step away from being, “I got Izze Sparkling Pomegranate, I gotta have it./I’m suckin’ them down like it’s a habit.”

Man, I suck as a rapper.

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Paris Hilton – Stars Are Blind

Written by | June 29, 2006

Topics: Music

I have to admit that I was wrong and I should never judge a book by its night vision sex tape.

I’ve made lots of fun of Paris Hilton, along with everyone else not named Paris Hilton, but I’m proud of her for trying to find her niche in the world. Sure no one really gave a rat’s ass about her until her infamous sex tape, but instead of letting that totally un-masturbationable video label her as the “Hotel Heiress Ho,” she’s gone out and tried to make something of herself.

The more that I think about it, the more I realize that Paris Hilton is just like me….Well, my college career at least.

I spent six years in college and during that time I switched my major about four times. First, it was Accounting, then Journalism, then Athletic Training, then American Studies, and then I finally ended up majoring in English. This is very similar to Paris Hilton’s life. First, she was a spoiled rich brat, then a “fashion model,” then an “actress,” then an “author,” and now she’s a “singer.”

Oh, but the similarities between Paris Hilton and my college career don’t end there. Paris failed horribly in the movie House of Wax and I failed horribly in Accounting 201, Math 100, Anatomy 301, Anatomy Lab 301, and Russian 101. Sure she won the 2005 Worst Supporting Actress Razzie for her role in the movie, but I won probation for my 1.5 GPA during my sophomore year.

Paris and I have also both been in relationships with people we totally regret being with. For her, it’s Rick Salomon, who stars in the sex tape with her. For me, it’s a girl I’m going to nickname “The Bass Mouth Kisser” because kissing her was much like French kissing a bass fish, except messier.

Since Paris and I seem to be kindred spirits, I had to pick up the first single from her debut album off of the iTunes Music Store. I also did it because I want to support her and her dream to be something other than that motionless short-haired blond chick in that sex tape.

Don’t believe I bought it? Check my iPod’s screen on the left.

So can Paris sing?

Well with today’s technology, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and even tone deaf people like myself can sound good. This same technology made Paris sort of sound like Gwen Stefani in this song. As for the lyrics, I’m pretty sure she didn’t write them herself, because if you’ve read any of her books or the essay portion of her GED exam, you’ll know that writing isn’t her strong point.

Although, I have to admit that its beat kind of makes me want to shake my big booty. Actually, its reggae beat kind of makes me want to skank.

Now just to clarify, when I say “skank,” I’m not talking about Paris Hilton, I’m talking about dancing to a reggae or ska beat.

The reggae beat and lyrics make for an okay Paris Hilton song, but I think the same reggae beat and lyrics would make an awesome UB40 song.

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to Helldog, Carrie, and CarbonNYC for being selected as the winners of The Impulsive Buy’s 300th Review Prize Drawing. They will each receive a $25 gift certificate to Thank you to everyone who participated.)

Item: Paris Hilton – Stars Are Blind
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: iTunes Music Store
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: It has the structure of a song: verse one, chorus, verse two, chorus, verse three, chorus. Kind of makes me want to skank. Lyrics and reggae beat would make for an awesome UB40 song. Paris’ attempts to make her niche in the world.
Cons: Money can buy you a record deal, or more specifically, a record label so that you can give yourself a record deal. Technology can make Paris sound like Gwen Stefani. Excessive use of a breathy voice, Paris Hilton’s un-masturbationable sex tape. My college career. “The Bass Mouth Kisser.”

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