B is for Bug

I have the iTunes Music Store bug. So far I’ve bought 453 songs from iTunes. Although as you regular Impulsive Buy readers may know, 117 of those came from the Mozart: Symphonies collection I bought a few months back in my attempt to win the iTunes 1,000,000th download contest.

The great thing about the iTunes Music Store is the ability to purchase and download individual tracks. I want “Ice Ice Baby,” but I definitely don’t want the rest of To The Extreme. Okay, maybe I might want “Play That Funky Music,” but just for those I Love the 90s nostalgia moments and when I decide to get lines shaved on the side of my head.

On occasion, I do purchase whole albums from iTunes, like Less Than Jake’s B is for B-Sides

B is for Bargain

B is for B-Sides is a bargain because I bought the album for $7.92. At Amazon the CD can be purchased for $13.98. That’s a six-dollar difference. Sure you can rip the songs and distribute them across peer-to-peer networks with the CD, but I’m really scared of the RIAA and Metallica, although not as much since they cut their hair.

B is for Brief.

B is for B-Sides contains 12 tracks that total about 28 minutes in length, which is quite brief. Almost all of the songs run under two minutes and thirty seconds. Just to let you ladies know, my lovemaking sessions last much longer than this album. So what album would best describe the length of my lovemaking abilities? All 9 hours and 56 minutes of the Mozart: Symphonies collection, of course.

Okay, not really.

B is for Bitchin’

Despite its length, the album is bitchin’ (Wait. Do the young folks still use that word? How about B is for Bad Ass?). All the tracks for B is for B-Sides were recorded for the Anthem album, which was released last year. If you’re a hardcore fan of the group, this album will probably sound a little different than their earlier albums, because the horn section isn’t featured as much. But the songs are as fast-paced as ever. Some of my favorites include “Portrait of a Cigarette Smoker At 19” and “Bridge and Tunnel Authority.”

B is for Bill

Because the iTunes Music Store uses your credit card information for purchases, the $7.92 was added to my slowly growing credit card bill, but it was worth it.

Item: Less Than Jake – B is for B-Sides
Purchase Price: $7.92 (iTunes Music Store)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Bargain. Bitchin’ and Bad Ass.
Cons: Brief.

I bought this album for one reason: To win the iTunes Music Store one-millionth download contest. The person who downloaded the one-millionth song was going to win a whole mess of sweet Apple stuff and I thought it was going to be mine, because of my elaborate plan.

First, I created an Excel spreadsheet that calculates the number of songs sold per minute and how many seconds were left until the one-millionth song was downloaded. I used the download totals from the Apple website, which was updated every five minutes.

Then I had to find an album that contained a whole lot of songs. At first I thought I had to go with a greatest hits album. The Barenaked Ladies’ greatest hits had nineteen songs. Def Leppard’s greatest hits only had 15 songs. Okay, maybe this greatest hits route isn’t the best. I really needed something with more songs.

I decided to search the iTunes Music Store classical catalog and found what I was looking for, although it was going to be expensive. I ended up with the $49.95 Mozart: Symphonies set (now $79.92), which contained 117 songs. Perfect! I figured if I didn’t win, the $50 I spent wouldn’t be so bad because I actually like Mozart. But I wasn’t going to lose because I had my super-dooper elaborate plan.

So I had my Excel spreadsheet and my 117 songs Mozart collection, then all I had to do was sit in front of my computer and wait. The number of downloads slowly increased, getting closer and closer to the magic number. When it got about a few thousand downloads away, I purchased my album, but I think a few thousand people across the nation were trying to buy something as well because my purchase wasn’t going through. It stalled for a few minutes. While stalling, I checked to Apple website to see if they had a winner and they did.

Dammit!

Since they found a winner I wanted to cancel my still stalled purchase, but right when I was going to hit the cancel button, my album began downloading.

So here I am with an enormous amount of classical music, all 9 hours, 56 minutes, and 22 seconds of Mozart. Only recently I finished listening to the whole thing and I realize that I have all the classical music I need for the rest of my life.

It’s good, soothing stuff. I enjoy listening to it when I’m reading, writing, or falling sleep. No, I didn’t listen to it while writing this review, because I didn’t want to be reminded of my crappy super-dooper elaborate plan.

I can’t believe I got beaten by some lucky guy who bought only ONE song.

Dammit! I think next time I’m going to need a better Excel spreadsheet.

Item: Mozart: Symphonies
Purchase Price: $49.95 (now $79.92)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Soothing music. Great to listen to when reading, writing, or falling asleep. A whole lot of music at a wonderful price.
Cons: Didn’t even come close to winning the iTunes contest.

I think I’ve got a wonderful plan that will get women to fall for me. It’s a simple formula: Have a decent singing voice, play the piano, and sing lyrics that go somewhat like this:

The red roses I sent aren’t as beautiful as you.
The scent doesn’t smell as sweet as you do.
The petals aren’t as colorful as your red lips.
The leaves aren’t as curvy as your hips.

Muahaha! I will have many women fall for me once I finish my song, learn how to play the piano, get a decent singing voice, overcome my control freak tendencies, be able to open up emotionally, conquer my shyness, and wax my back. It’s a foolproof plan.

This whole piano playing/singing thing worked well for Harry Connick, Jr. After all, he’s married to a Victoria Secrets model. It also seemed to have worked for the young British jazz musician, Jamie Cullum.

How do I know?

I know because all the teenage girls on MTV’s TRL were screaming for him. Not like horror-film-screaming. More like “I LUV U JAMIE!” or “U R SO HOT JAMIE!” -screaming.

Despite my jealousy about Cullum’s ability to write a good song, sing well, play the piano, and woo young women, his debut album, Twentysomething, is a very good listen. One track that stands out is the bonus track “Frontin’,” which is a great cover of The Neptunes track of the same name. (You know, Pharrell Williams and that Asian dude.) Many of the other tracks on the album are upbeat and will definitely have your toes tappin’.

If you like jazz, Harry Connick, Jr., or want to listen to something different, I would recommend you give Jamie Cullum a try.

What I wouldn’t recommend is trying to be like Jamie Cullum, because it’s been really hard learning how to play the piano and making my voice do things it was never meant to do, like sing.

Product: Jamie Cullum - Twentysomething
Purchase Price: $8.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: A toe tappin’ treat. Something different than the usual rap, punk, rock, and electronic stuff I listen to. The CD can be found for a regular price of $9.99.
Cons: May make you think you can woo women by writing a song and playing the piano.