NEWS: New Axe Men’s Shampoos Either Soothe, Ignite or Refresh, Or If They Were Women’s Shampoos, Relax, Warm or Reinvigorate

Axe in wood

Axe, the company that made spray-on deodorant cool again, released three new shampoos to make men’s heads feel the same sensations that can also be felt with a particular Trojan brand condom.

The latest shampoos from Axe give users either a cooling, tingling or warming sensation, just like Trojan’s Fire & Ice condoms. Zen Soothing Tea Tree Shampoo is made with real tea tree extract, which tingles the scalp; Heat Igniting Citrus 2 in 1 Shampoo + Conditioner consists of spices and citrus that warms one’s head; and Downpour Refreshing Mint Shampoo has cooling peppermint leaf extract.

These additions give high school and college-aged boys more options when it comes to the vast line of Axe hair care products, which not only consists of shampoos and conditioners, but also hair styling products. The Axe shampoos are available in 12-ounce bottles.

REVIEW: Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste

Axe Whatever Paste

On the Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste’s container, which for some reason kind of reminds me of the Legion of Doom’s headquarters, the following is printed on its label: “Girls don’t like that crusty, crunchy hair you get from gels.”

If Axe’s canister copywriters are correct, I’ve been living in a style faux pas for the past several years, because I’ve been using a hair gel that makes my hair crustier than a hobo’s armpit and crunchier than a bag of Cheetos. But I love my hair gel because it makes something on my body remain stiff for more than four hours without the need to see a doctor and it gives my hair to ability to pop balloons so that I can make the children holding them cry.

The Whatever Messy Look Paste is part of Axe’s new hair product line, which is made up of shampoos, conditioners and hair styling products. It expands Axe’s Axis of Evil Aromas. For those of you who are regular Impulsive Buy readers, you know that I’m not a big fan of Axe products and have given them bad reviews because I think all their products smell alike and they have never gotten a guy tackled, kissed, groped or bitten, despite what their commercials show. Because of my feelings towards Axe products, I didn’t expect much from the Whatever Messy Look Paste, but I have to admit that I kind of liked it.

Axe has four hair products; each is used for a different type of styling: spiked, shaggy, clean and messy. The Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste, obviously, gives users a messy just-out-of-bed look, which is otherwise known as the It Looks Like I Don’t Give A Shit About My Hair, But I Really Do Because I Spent Five Minutes Looking At Myself In The Mirror Trying to Make My Hair This Messy look. I was able to make my hair messy with it, but I also made it fairly neat, as you can see above.

The hair paste was baby blue in color. If I remember correctly from my days as a drooling, diaper-pooping infant, that is a boyish color. Its scent was much more pleasant than any other Axe product I’ve tried, but it also smelled like a woman’s deodorant. And I should know what a women’s deodorant smells like because I’ve licked my fair share of female armpits for $50 on top of their usual hourly rate.

Applying the paste was simple; all I had to do was use a finger-tip amount, rub it vigorously between my hands, spread it thoroughly through my damp hair and style. Because the product was baby blue, it temporarily gave some of my hair a baby blue sheen, but it quickly faded as I styled it.

The product did a good job of maintaining its hold. Even after having it on the whole day, it pretty much looked the same as when I applied it. It didn’t make my hair stiff and it didn’t flake, but it was a little greasy, which would make it slightly unappealing for a woman to run her fingers through my hair while I lick her armpit for an extra fifty bucks.

Item: Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste
Price: $6.48
Size: 2.64 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Does a good job maintaining hold. Doesn’t smell like other Axe products. Didn’t flake. Able to make my hair messy and neat with it. Licking a woman’s armpit.
Cons: Made my hair a little greasy. Smells like a woman’s deodorant. Baby blue color is kind of weird. Gives hair a temporary baby blue sheen. Having to pay $50 to lick a woman’s armpit (It should be included in the hourly rate).

NEWS: Axe Hair Products Contribute To Global Swarming of Dudes Who Reek

I had a crush on my English teacher when I was a freshman in high school. I was hoping she would break the law, go all Mary Kay Letourneau on my body and turn me into her underaged boy toy, but unfortunately my acne-covered face and braces didn’t persuade her to do so. While trying to woo her, I started wearing cologne. But I unfortunately didn’t know how much cologne I should wear. I thought five sprays all over my body would want her to come closer to me, but it did the opposite and one day she told me that I should use less cologne…a lot less cologne.

So from that moment on, I’ve only given myself one good spray of cologne before I go out. I bring this story up because there are going to be a helluva lot of guys whose Axe stench is going to be greater now that there are Axe hair products to go along with their shower gels, deodorants, and body sprays. The Axe hair products have actually been out for a couple of months, but I didn’t find out until recently and I’m letting people know as a public service announcement.

The hair products include shampoos, conditioners, 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioners, and hairstyling products. All of the hair products come with the typical Axe-ified names. The shampoo and conditioners are called Constrict, Dual, Intense, Armor, Primed, and Lure, while the styling products are named Charged, Laid Back, Whatever, and Refined. Axe hairstyling products retails for $6.99, while their shampoos and conditioners go for $5.99.

Click here to read TIB’s review of the Axe Messy Look Paste

Axe Dry Clix

I didn’t realize how hard it was to find someone to smell my armpit.

What’s wrong with a complete stranger, walking up in a trenchcoat, baseball cap and sunglasses to another person, and ask them if they would like to smell an armpit? It’s not like I’m asking them to lick it, there are people out there that I can pay to do that.

Now you might be saying to yourself, “If he’s willing to pay someone to lick his armpit, why doesn’t he pay someone to smell his armpit?”

I’ll tell you why. Because I don’t pay people for things I can do myself. Like the licking the armpit thing, I can’t do that. I’ve tried. Either my tongue isn’t long enough or my neck can’t contort itself properly. But I can easily smell my own armpit.

It’s not like I’m going to shove that person’s face into my armpit, rub it around for 30 seconds, while yelling, “Who’s your daddy!?!” Also, no one’s going to get a hairball from smelling my armpit, because I trim my armpit hair. I do it because I don’t want it to look like I constantly have a kitten in a headlock.

The reason why I was looking for someone to smell my armpit was because I wanted to know what they thought of the new Axe Dry Clix scent, which I’ve been trying out for the past week. If you’re a regular reader of The Impulsive Buy, you know that I’ve tried a few Axe products, and found them to be…um…what’s the best way to describe them?

Not good? Crappy? Shitty? Lame late night Cinemax softcore porn-ish?

Oh wait, I got it…old man-ish smelling.

With this negative opinion I have of Axe products, I wanted someone else’s thoughts about the Axe Dry Clix scent, which I thought smelled fine while in the dispenser, but gross when I applied it on my armpit. The Axe Dry Clix was somewhat uncomfortable to roll on as the scented hard white substance grabbed and tugged on some of my underarm pubes. Also, with the Axe Dry Clix being a white stick, it left some white residue after applying, which could end up on clothes or on someone’s face if their face was shoved into an armpit, rubbed around for 30 seconds, while hearing, “Who’s your daddy!?!”

Of course, as I noted earlier, I failed to get another person to smell my armpit to find out what they thought of this anti-perspirant/deodorant. However, I’m going to give you the opportunity to smell my armpit and let me know what you think of the Axe Dry Clix scent.

Above is a picture of my armpit with the Axe Dry Clix applied. To smell, just scratch the picture on your computer monitor, place your nose next to the monitor, and inhale deeply with your nose. If it doesn’t work the first time, I suggest you keep trying. If it doesn’t work at all, I recommend you get a new monitor. If you are able to smell it, let me know what you think in the comments.

Right now I’m going to stick with the Clix, because I’m too lazy to buy another deodorant and there are a few people out there whose faces I would like to shove into my armpit, rub it around for 30 seconds, and ask them “Who’s their daddy!?!”

Item: Axe Dry Clix
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: Kmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Smells all right in the container. Keeps my armpits dry. Trimming armpit hair so that it doesn’t look like I have a kitten in a headlock.
Cons: Not being able to find someone to smell my armpit. Doesn’t smell as good when applied to my armpits. Doesn’t glide easily under my armpit. Being too lazy to buy new deodorant. White residue left behind after applying may end up on clothes.