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WEEK IN REVIEWS – 2/18/2012

Written by | February 18, 2012

Topics: Bath & Body Works, Cereal, Chips, Trader Joe's

Cheese!

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

You got your chocolate in my cheddar cheese. You got cheddar cheese in my chocolate. Two great tastes that taste not so great together. (via What’s Good at Trader Joe’s)

Malt-o-Meal should really change their name to Big-Bag-o-Cereal because that’s all I really know them for. (via Option Pitch and Waffle Crisp)

What? I can relieve stress with a body wash? It’s definitely cheaper than late night Asian massage parlor visits…so I’m told. (via Hot Ink Reviews)

Two words: Lamb testicles. Now let’s find out how many of you will click that link. (via Rodzilla Reviews)

Sure, these British crisps flavours sound weird to Americans, but I’m pretty sure deep fried butter and deep fried salsa sound weird to the British. (via Fat Guy Food Blog)

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REVIEW: Bath & Body Works Signature Collection for Men Body Wash (Noir, Citron and Ocean)

Written by | July 13, 2010

Topics: 6 Rating, 7 Rating, Bath & Body Works, Body Wash

Bath & Body Works Signature Collection Body Wash for Men (Noir, Citron and Ocean)

When it comes to ogling young female customers and employees, getting close enough to smell them or maybe accidentally bumping into them at a shopping mall, Bath & Body Works is the third best store to do so. It’s right behind Victoria’s Secret and Forever 21.

Although it lacks lingerie, which the other two have, what places Bath & Body Works in the top three is the fact they’re the only one of the three that has a men’s section, which unlike the other two, gives men a good reason to enter the store. But it’s extremely small and I believe it’s only there to lure men into using the product testers so that the women in the store can use their sense of smell to detect if a possible pervert is nearby attempting to smell or bump into them.

Recently, Bath & Body Works added a line of signature collection men’s products, which include colognes, body sprays and body washes. The line consists of four scents: Noir, Citron, Ocean and Oak. Because the female Bath & Body Works employee I was ogling said she liked the Noir, Citron and Ocean scents the most, those were the ones I purchased in body wash form.

The same employee was also my cashier and I have to say it was fastest anyone has ever rang me up. There was no asking me if I need lip balm or if I want to sign up for their mailing list. I guess I should ogle the cashier whenever I buy stuff from Best Buy, so they won’t offer me their product protection plan.

The body wash’s bottle is the same 10-ounce one the women’s body wash come in, except instead of a pretty chrome cap, it comes with a manly black cap screwed on top. Thanks to the sodium lauryl sulfate, the body washes lather up really nice. Each body wash also contains aloe vera and nourishing oils, so if you hate feeling like your body isn’t completely rinsed off, I’d suggest not wasting your money on these men’s Bath & Body Works body washes just so that you can ogle and flirt with a Bath & Body Works employee.

Their fragrances aren’t nearly as strong as those from Axe, but they also don’t make me smell like a 15-year-old boy. Their scent lingered on my body for around 45 minutes after stepping out of the shower. On the Bath & Body Works website they list the key fragrance notes I should be smelling with each variation. Citron has crisp bergamot, sage, lemon zest, brisk woods, tonka bean and sandalwood; Ocean has bergamot, cypress, nutmeg, patchouli, cedarwood and vetiver; and Noir has sage, coriander, cardamom, white vanilla, vetiver and amber musk.

Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t know what half of that stuff is, so let me break it down using words I don’t have to look up on Wikipedia.

Citron has a light, citrus fragrance with a little bit of spice. It’s a crisp, pleasant scent and probably my favorite of the three. Ocean has a sweet, slightly fruity odor and I think it’s more of a unisex scent than a manly one. Noir is the most manly smelling of the bunch. It’s a bold, musky scent I imagine James Bond would wear. It’s also bold enough to be the best scent to help female Bath & Body Works shoppers sense when a perv is trying to get close to them.

Item: Bath & Body Works Signature Collection for Men Body Wash (Noir, Citron and Ocean)
Price: $10.50 each
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works (Mall of America)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Noir)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Citron)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Ocean)
Pros: Pleasant, non-overpowering scents. Lathers nicely. Not tested on animals. Doesn’t make me smell like a 15-year-old boy like Axe does. Scent lingers on body for about 45 minutes after stepping out of the shower. Not getting asked by the cashier to sign up for mailing lists or if I’m interested in buying additional products.
Cons: Almost twice the price as regular men’s body washes. Noir’s scent can help Bath & Body Works shoppers know when a perv is getting close. Oils in the body wash makes it feel like you haven’t completely rinsed everything off. Getting kicked out of Victoria’s Secret and Forever 21. Not knowing what bergamot, brisk woods, tonka bean, cypress, patchouli, vetiver and amber musk is.

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Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel

Written by | February 18, 2008

Topics: 7 Rating, Bath & Body Works, Body Wash, Personal

The scent of the Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel takes me back to the mid-1990s because it smells very similar to my cologne of choice back in those days — Davidoff’s Cool Water, or as I called it, “Liquid Sexy.”

For me, the mid-1990s was a time of freedom, during which I shunned bedtimes, ate whatever I wanted, said whatever was on my mind, drank alcohol via a tube and funnel, and lost my virginity…I think.

I loved the scent of Cool Water so much that to get the full effect of it I also used the deodorant, shower gel, shampoo, aftershave, hair gel, moisturizer, and a folded Cool Water scented advertisement from either Men’s Health Magazine or GQ Magazine placed in one of my pockets.

Whenever you were around me in those days, you could not miss the seductive scent of Cool Water radiating from my body and you could not light a match near me because I was highly flammable.

Speaking of being hot, that’s what the ladies would feel after getting a whiff of my “man aura.” Whenever I came walking by, women would step aside and watch me glide. Some would turn their heads away, while others would walk further away to ensure they wouldn’t embarrass themselves by jumping my bones in public. Sure, I never got laid while wearing Cool Water, but I guess that just proves I was too sexy with it on.

So instead I must settle for the Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel, which contains aloe to helps soothe and soften the skin, tea tree oil to invigorate and refresh the skin, and comes in a manly turquoise color. After using it, I could not tell if my skin was invigorated or refreshed, but I think for most men they really don’t care about that.

Overall, I really do like its earthy, slightly musky scent, which is definitely for guys, and mostly importantly, it gets me clean. It may not exactly be like the “Liquid Sexy” I remember and it won’t get me laid, but perhaps I can create a few new memories with the Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel in the mid-2000s.

Item: Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel
Price: $10.50
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: If you want to relive the 1990s, it kind of smells like Davidoff’s Cool Water cologne. Lathers nicely. Gets me clean. My “man aura.”
Cons: Limited Bath & Body Works stuff for men. Can’t tell if my skin was invigorated or refreshed. Being highly flammable. Being too sexy.

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REVIEW: Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist

Written by | July 8, 2007

Topics: 1 Rating, Bath & Body Works, Body Wash

Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist

Right now, I want you to close your eyes and imagine me washing my body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Do you like what you’re picturing in your mind?

If you’re having a hard time thinking of what my lathered up bod looks like, let me help you out.

My chest is like Kate Moss’, except I have slightly bigger boobs than she does and a lot more hair. Growl! Like wooden chopsticks at a sushi bar, my arms are skinny, pale, and can only lift things by using both of them at the same time, unless I stab stuff with one arm. My gut could be a six-pack if I sucked it in hard enough, but I don’t, so instead it looks like a mini-keg. If you’ve seen rap video hoochies, you know what my booty looks like, except extremely pale. My legs are like a fine thoroughbred racing horse’s, only in furriness, not in shape or muscle definition. Finally, at certain angles my head kind of looks like John Cho’s from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle.

Now wrap all of that together, and put some soap suds over it, and you can imagine me cleaning my wet naked body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Can you visualize it? Can you see my glistening physique? Oooh, do you like what you see? Do you like what you smell?

Well I don’t like what I smell, because the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist makes me smell like lemon Pledge wood spray.

The only times I should smell like lemon Pledge is if I’m getting it on with a hot cleaning maid who speaks very little English on a freshly-cleaned dining table or being sprayed in the face with lemon Pledge by a hot cleaning maid after using the pick up line, “I’ve got something else that’s hard and wooden that needs some cleaning…and lovin’.”

Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist Label

I don’t know if the Iced Tea Twist combined with my au naturel body odor causes some kind of chemical reaction to make it smell like lemon Pledge, but it disappoints me because in the bottle the Iced Tea Twist actually smells like the iced tea I make with the sweetened Nestea iced tea powder mix. It smells good enough that if I wanted to put a Jackass-type of video up on YouTube and the bottle didn’t specifically say, “CAUTION: FOR ADULT EXTERNAL USE ONLY,” I would totally mix it with some chilled filtered water, drink it, then call the National Capital Poison Center at 1-800-222-1222 and hope I don’t die.

The lemon Pledge smell is definitely a turn off, but the metallic brown color of the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist is pretty and I would probably use it if I decide to pimp my 2003 Toyota Corolla and turn it into a rice racer. Finally, Iced Tea Twist is like RuPaul, because they are both 3-in-1. While the Iced Tea Twist is a body wash, bubble bath and shampoo, RuPaul is a woman, a man and FABULOUS.

So if you enjoy smelling like lemon Pledge, and I’m pretty sure one percent of you do, the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist is the next best thing behind using lemon Pledge as an eau de toilette. For the other 99 percent of you, I would recommend avoiding it, because it’s not appealing at all, just like imagining me lathering up my naked body.

Item: Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist
Price: $6.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Smells like sweetened Nestea iced tea in the bottle. Cool metallic brown color. Body wash, bubble bath and shampoo. Hot cleaning maids.
Cons: Smells like lemon Pledge on my body. For external use only. Visualizing me washing my naked body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Having bigger boobs than Kate Moss.

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Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel

Written by | April 10, 2007

Topics: 4 Rating, Bath & Body Works, Body Wash, Personal

Whenever I want to get in touch with my feminine side, I like to dip my body in a tub of Nair to get rid of all my body hair, rinse off and slip into something comfortable, preferably something silky, in either pink or purple, and with a white lace trim. The smoothness of the silk feels good on my skin, while the white lace provides a little bit of scratchiness, but both providing sort of a balance of pleasure and pain.

I’ll light warm vanilla scented candles around my bed, put some lavender body lotion all over and paint my nails either Steamy Red, Goth Purple or Pink Passion. Then I’ll lay on my bed with more silky and lace pillows than I have fingers. While I allow the nail polish to dry, I’ll pick up a Harlequin romance novel and read it from cover to cover, giggling every time the word “manhood” is used.

Then I’ll watch a marathon of The Facts of Life episodes on DVD, watching Blair’s spoiled tendencies, Natalie’s fun-loving ways, Tootie’s nosiness, Jo’s tomboyishness and Mrs. Garrett’s hot messy red hair. After the marathon I’ll enjoy a glass of red wine, while I prepare a light, yet delicious, meal from one of my Martha Stewart cookbooks with the Lifetime Channel playing the background.

After I’ve enjoyed my meal and cried a little from the movie that was playing on the Lifetime Channel, I’ll relax in the comfort of a warm bubble bath with another glass of red wine and a CD of ambient sounds playing.

As I sit in the bath, a mud face mask helps clear my facial pores and soaks up the toxins coming from them. Cucumbers are placed over my eyes to help deflate their puffiness. I take in deep breaths, hold them for a moment and then exhale.

After I step out of the bubble bath and rinse everything off, I’ll fart, burp and scratch my balls to return to my manly self.

As you can see, I do quite a number of things when I want to get in touch with my feminine side. But sometimes I want a quick way to bring out the X chromosomes in me, but I haven’t found anything to do that.

Recently, my twin sister picked up for me the new Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel for me to review, thanks to a coupon I gave her, which allowed her to pick up a free Wild Honeysuckle product when she spent ten dollars or more. I hoped that using it would help bring out the inner woman in me faster than my usual routine.

I’ve been using it for the past week and I have to say that its sweet floral scent is definitely not meant for dudes, like some other Bath & Body Works products are. However, let me just say if a woman had the Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel’s sweet floral fragrance originating from her body she would smell so good that I would totally fuc…

(Editor’s Note: Sixteen paragraphs have been removed due to their extremely explicit XXX sexual content. They definitely weren’t fit for TIB reader consumption, although from those sixteen paragraphs many of you would’ve learned something new you could’ve used when making hard, sweaty lovin’.)

Okay, I guess the Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel won’t let me get in touch with my feminine side. Instead it does the carnal opposite, which I think is good for me, but bad for the woman I’m in bed with. I imagine it’s sort of like what Elizabeth Dole goes through when Bob Dole takes his Viagra.

Item: Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel
Price: FREE (Retails for $9.50)
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Smells awesome on a woman and I would fuc…(Editor’s Note: Three sentences have been deleted due to their explicit sexual content). Sweet floral smell is really nice. Getting in touch with my feminine side. Mrs. Garrett’s hot messy red hair. Silk on my skin.
Cons: Its scent is not meant for dudes. Pricey for shower gel, but isn’t most stuff from B&BW expensive when not on sale. The use of the word “manhood” in Harlequin romance novels.

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