The Impulsive Buy » Body Wash

REVIEW: Bath & Body Works Signature Collection for Men Body Wash (Noir, Citron and Ocean)

Marvo — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 00:40:51 +0000

When it comes to ogling young female customers and employees, getting close enough to smell them or maybe accidentally bumping into them at a shopping mall, Bath & Body Works is the third best store to do so. It’s right behind Victoria’s Secret and Forever 21.

Although it lacks lingerie, which the other two have, what places Bath & Body Works in the top three is the fact they’re the only one of the three that has a men’s section, which unlike the other two, gives men a good reason to enter the store. But it’s extremely small and I believe it’s only there to lure men into using the product testers so that the women in the store can use their sense of smell to detect if a possible pervert is nearby attempting to smell or bump into them.

Recently, Bath & Body Works added a line of signature collection men’s products, which include colognes, body sprays and body washes. The line consists of four scents: Noir, Citron, Ocean and Oak. Because the female Bath & Body Works employee I was ogling said she liked the Noir, Citron and Ocean scents the most, those were the ones I purchased in body wash form.

The same employee was also my cashier and I have to say it was fastest anyone has ever rang me up. There was no asking me if I need lip balm or if I want to sign up for their mailing list. I guess I should ogle the cashier whenever I buy stuff from Best Buy, so they won’t offer me their product protection plan.

The body wash’s bottle is the same 10-ounce one the women’s body wash come in, except instead of a pretty chrome cap, it comes with a manly black cap screwed on top. Thanks to the sodium lauryl sulfate, the body washes lather up really nice. Each body wash also contains aloe vera and nourishing oils, so if you hate feeling like your body isn’t completely rinsed off, I’d suggest not wasting your money on these men’s Bath & Body Works body washes just so that you can ogle and flirt with a Bath & Body Works employee.

Their fragrances aren’t nearly as strong as those from Axe, but they also don’t make me smell like a 15-year-old boy. Their scent lingered on my body for around 45 minutes after stepping out of the shower. On the Bath & Body Works website they list the key fragrance notes I should be smelling with each variation. Citron has crisp bergamot, sage, lemon zest, brisk woods, tonka bean and sandalwood; Ocean has bergamot, cypress, nutmeg, patchouli, cedarwood and vetiver; and Noir has sage, coriander, cardamom, white vanilla, vetiver and amber musk.

Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t know what half of that stuff is, so let me break it down using words I don’t have to look up on Wikipedia.

Citron has a light, citrus fragrance with a little bit of spice. It’s a crisp, pleasant scent and probably my favorite of the three. Ocean has a sweet, slightly fruity odor and I think it’s more of a unisex scent than a manly one. Noir is the most manly smelling of the bunch. It’s a bold, musky scent I imagine James Bond would wear. It’s also bold enough to be the best scent to help female Bath & Body Works shoppers sense when a perv is trying to get close to them.

Item: Bath & Body Works Signature Collection for Men Body Wash (Noir, Citron and Ocean)
Price: $10.50 each
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works (Mall of America)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Noir)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Citron)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Ocean)
Pros: Pleasant, non-overpowering scents. Lathers nicely. Not tested on animals. Doesn’t make me smell like a 15-year-old boy like Axe does. Scent lingers on body for about 45 minutes after stepping out of the shower. Not getting asked by the cashier to sign up for mailing lists or if I’m interested in buying additional products.
Cons: Almost twice the price as regular men’s body washes. Noir’s scent can help Bath & Body Works shoppers know when a perv is getting close. Oils in the body wash makes it feel like you haven’t completely rinsed everything off. Getting kicked out of Victoria’s Secret and Forever 21. Not knowing what bergamot, brisk woods, tonka bean, cypress, patchouli, vetiver and amber musk is.

REVIEW: Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash

Marvo — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 11:47:43 +0000

Dear James Cameron,

I’ve never seen your billion dollar blockbuster Titanic. You can blame Celine Dion for that. But I recently paid over fifteen dollars to watch your latest billion dollar blockbuster Avatar in 3D, so it seems you finally got your money from me that you should’ve gotten with Titanic. Even though I gave up the possibility of eating three Subway footlong sandwiches to watch your movie, I would like to thank you for creating Avatar.

I’m not thanking you because I think Avatar is the greatest movie ever, nor am I thanking you for giving me a strong geek hard-on that I haven’t had since my lightsaber rose with excitement before seeing The Phantom Menace. I’m thanking you because I can now use your movie to help me describe the new Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash.

If Avatar didn’t exist, I would’ve used the Smurfs or the Blue Man Group.

Now you might be thinking about how I can connect your movie with the Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash. Let me teach you, white-haired one, like how you taught me that I should pee before seeing any three-hour long movie.

The Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash comes in blue color that looks like it could be a Na’vi body fluid. I’m not sure which one, but I guess we may find out in the extra scenes of the Avatar DVD or if the porn industry ever makes an erotic parody of your movie, which will probably either be called Assatar or Analtar. Whichever comes out first, I just hope it’s in high-definition 3D.

The body wash didn’t have a strong scent and it dissipated quickly after I finished my shower, but it’s a pleasant scent that I thought was kind of woodsy. Actually, if you created a way for the audience to smell a movie during your crazy attempt the recreate how films are made, I might be able to say it smells like the Na’vi Hometree. But you didn’t, you underachiever.

Much like how I was stunned by how hot Sigorney Weaver’s avatar looked, I was surprised the product is a combination of body and face wash. Usually, I’ve seen products that combine a body wash with a shampoo, which is probably something more useful to you since you’ve got that mop on your head. I’m not sure what makes it so special that it can also be labeled a face wash. It could be the “micromoisture” technology, but technically any soap can be a face wash.

If you decide that you want to wash yourself with a body wash that looks like a Na’vi body fluid, the Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash is probably your best choice. It smells good, rinses off easily and you might be able to use it as a prop in the Avatar sequel.

Thanks again for making Avatar!

Sincerely,

Marvo

Item: Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash
Price: $4.49
Size: 13.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant woodsy scent. Not a strong scent, so you don’t reek of Na’vi body fluid. Rinses off easily. It’s a combination body and face wash. Sigorney Weaver’s avatar.
Cons: Looks like a Na’vi body fluid. Slightly pricey. Scent doesn’t last very long. Having to hold in your pee until the end of the movie. The eventual porn parody of Avatar. Celine Dion.

REVIEW: Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash

Kayla — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 22:00:00 +0000

It is hard to believe that in two months it will be the 40th anniversary of that mud-covered, bong water-flavored, musical love-fest known as Woodstock. Even though I wasn’t actually there since I was born eighteen years after the harmonious event, I’m pretty sure I know what it was like to be in the crowd and which aromas would tickle my nostrils due the LSD induced hyper-sensory experience.

In the midst of animal and human fecal matter, ganja brownies and food cooked over flaming piles of hemp t-shirts, the fragrance of patchouli oil is able to stick out as one of the very few aromas that delights, but doesn’t give you the munchies so bad that you are willing to try the vegetarian goulash of a slightly hairy woman who was just born again as Starlight Moonshadow.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of smelling patchouli oil, I guess I can describe it as the scent from your sexually ambiguous art teacher who wore long flowing skirts and jewelry made by Incas sold at that random store in the mall that always opens up and mysteriously closes after two months. I guess there isn’t a desperate need for replica Urhobo masks.

The Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash has a slight scent of patchouli, which is perfect for me, because I don’t like body washes that are overpowering since I use lotion and perfume. However, it wouldn’t be strong enough to get a hippie clean. The body wash lathers up pretty well using a medium-sized bath pouf, but I did notice that I had to put a larger amount than other body washes that I frequently use from Bath and Body Works or even Irish Spring (who says it’s only for men?).

Maybe this is a plot made by Olay for women to purchase more of their products (doesn’t every beauty company do this?), but I don’t think it’s working since I did buy this on sale at CVS. Although, I believe it was on sale because of a bottle design change, which is a little upsetting to me because the bottle design is what caught my attention in the first place. Also, it’s probably not “new” anymore.

Olay did hold up their hydrate promise, because my skin did feel like buttah before I even moisturized; the soy oil probably helped this. The Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash is a good product, but it is pretty boring compared to the thousands of other body washes currently on the market.

Item: Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash
Price: $3.79 (on sale)
Size: 15.2 fl oz
Purchased at: CVS
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Moisturizes the skin. Light scent of patchouli won’t make you smell like a hippie. Ganja brownies. Woodstock ’69. Purchased on sale. Skin like buttah.
Cons: Need to use more on bath pouf than other body washes. Scent might be too light for some. Hallucinating from ganja brownies. Woodstock ’99. Silky body wash could make you slip in the shower.

REVIEW: Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash

Marvo — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 10:00:44 +0000

Before the period in my life when I went to the beach to take voyeuristic photos of women in bikinis so that I could post them on the internet and before my current fear of taking off my shirt in public, I went to the beach to enjoy the salty air, cool blue water and the sound of crashing waves. The Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash reminds me of those simpler times when I wasn’t the freak on the beach with his shirt on who would have the meanest farmer’s tan and armed with a camera with a telephoto lens pretending to take photos of natural scenery.

The body wash’s pleasant fragrant and slightly salty scent reminds me of those days spent lounging and swimming at Hapuna Beach when I was a youngster and not a pervert. Sometimes I would swim out a little farther than everyone else and, while treading water, I would urinate in the Pacific Ocean with a big smile on my face. No pulling down my shorts. No aiming. Just letting it flow into the largest toilet bowl on the planet. For some reason the warm urine felt good as it escaped my body and mixed with the cold sea water. It’s a feeling I think everyone should experience, unless you’re at a beach that’s known for its regular shark sightings.

No, peeing in a swimming pool is not the same. Peeing in a swimming pool is for savages.

The Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash smells very similar to the Method Sea Mineral Hand Wash, but not as strong. If you’re not familiar with Method products, they are eco-friendly, haven’t been tested on animals and don’t contain ingredients that are considered to be pollutants or possible irritants, like parabens, phthalates and EDTA. One ingredient that this body wash does contain is sea salt, which gives it its slightly salty scent and is supposed to help purify the skin. But don’t expect the body wash to have granules of salt to exfoliate your skin or enough sodium to make your skin lickable to a race horse.

Because it’s eco-friendly, some people might think that it doesn’t clean as well as regular body washes, but it lathers up nicely, makes my naked body clean and leaves me smelling great in a scent that’s suitable for a man with a camera or the bikini clad woman he is secretly taking pictures of.

Item: Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash
Price: $6.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Nice fragrant, slightly salty unisex scent. Sexy curvy bottle. Reminds me of the beach. Doesn’t contain harmful pollutants or irritants. Not tested on animals. Lathers up nicely. Hapuna Beach.
Cons: Pricey. Might be difficult to find. Peeing in a swimming pool. Cap might be hard to recycle. Taking voyeuristic photos of unsuspecting women in bikinis. My fear of taking off my shirt in public.

REVIEW: Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo

Marvo — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 10:00:15 +0000

As some of you know, I have a tendency to do things with the sexy, curvy bottles from the eco-friendly personal care and home cleaning product company Method that in all human cases would force me to have to register as a sex offender.

I will admit that I’m a little too friendly with them and I’ve been seeking help for it, but I would’ve never thought I’d find help in the form of a Method product bottle. The Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo is the first Method product that I have no desire to be playful with or to rub gently between my thighs, even though the toy-shaped bottle looks like it has a huge mouth waiting for something huge to fill it.

The bottle is curvy like most Method products, but it’s not a sexy curvy. It’s more like a cute curvy and I don’t feel comfortable fondling something the reminds me of my childhood friend, Totoro. So like Nicorette gum eventually weans people off of cigarettes, this cute, but not sexy bottle is slowly getting rid of my desire to molest other Method bottles.

The Method Kid Squeaky Clean Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 is a tear-free shampoo, conditioner and body wash all wrapped into a bottle that I don’t want to touch in a way that makes it feel uncomfortable. The orange cream colored product inside has a consistency that’s a little more watery than most shampoos and body washes and it also doesn’t lather up as much. It’s 99% natural, hypo-allergenic and it’s never been tested on animals.

Its scent didn’t smell very peachy at first, instead it was a little more tropical, like a pina colada. So if your kid likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. If they’re not into yoga. If they have half-a-brain. If they’d like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape. Then this product is the love that they’ve looked for. Pick it up and escape.

The best part of the Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo is the way it doles out its product. Its dispensing mechanism is on the bottom of the bottle and it doesn’t need a cap, because it has been engineered to have the leak prevention power of well Kegel exercised muscles on steroids. Or a more appropriate way to explain it, since where it’s dispensed is located at the bottom of the toy character-shaped bottle and between its legs, would be to say that it’s like an asshole (and I’m talking anatomical not Christian Bale). This bit of technology, I assume, makes it easier for parents to wash their little children because they don’t have to worry about flipping bottle tops or anything bothersome like that.

If I had a kid, I would probably pick up Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo because I would only need one product to clean my kid, I can use the fun-shaped bottle to entertain him or her, it’s 99% natural, it’s hypo-allergenic and it would help prevent me from fondling the Method hand soap bottle next to the sink.

Item: Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo
Price: $7.49
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A body wash, shampoo and conditioner all in one. Nice tropical scent. 99% natural. Hypo-allergenic. Really cool dispensing mechanism. Kegel exercises.
Cons: Doesn’t smell peachy at first. Kind of pricey. Doesn’t lather up very well. Watery than most body washes and shampoos. My problem with fondling Method bottles.

REVIEW: Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel

Marvo — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 10:05:48 +0000

I’m pretty sure that despite what Axe shows in their commercials, no guy has ever gotten laid because of an Axe body spray, deodorant, or shower gel. Some guy might say it was, but I’m positive that he got laid for other reasons, like alcohol, the woman’s need for a green card, desperation or pity. Not even the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel with its chocolatey scent could get a guy laid, despite the love women have for chocolate.

I think the only lovin’ a guy could get with a chocolate shower gel is from a dog, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my subscription to Dog Fancy Magazine, besides picking the best sweater for your pooch, it’s that dogs love chocolate — even though it could kill them.

Axe scents, to me, are like Nickelback and Daughtry songs — I can’t tell them apart. I was hoping the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel would have the same smell, look and consistency as chocolate pudding, but instead it looked like clover honey. Its spicy and slightly sweet scent was decent, but reminded me of other Axe shower gels I’ve used in the past. It’s not really chocolatey, which would’ve made it stand out among the other Axe scents and get me some serious tail. Dog tail, that is.

Overall, I’m disappointed by how un-chocolatey the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel is because cosmetic company Philosophy has their own chocolate body washes which look and smell like chocolate. They’re so delicious that if there wasn’t the warning on the bottle that says in bold and lowercase letters, “caution: not for internal use,” I would probably eat them.

Not everything about the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel is disappointing. It lathered up nicely, thanks to the sodium laureth sulfate, and it did what it was supposed to do — get my body clean. It may not have made me smell like chocolate, but that’s okay.

If I want to smell like chocolate, I’ll do it the old-fashioned way — using melted chocolate as hair gel. You can’t rest your head on anything with it on and you must stay away from the Humane Society and pet stores, but it’s got some crazy hold.

Item: Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel
Price: $4.99
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Drugstore.com
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent smelling. It gets me clean. Lathers nicely. Grippy bottle. Using melted chocolate as hair gel to smell like chocolate.
Cons: Doesn’t smell chocolatey. Smells like all the other Axe body washes. Will not get you laid. Nickelback and Daughtry songs. Being attacked by dogs due to using melted chocolate as hair gel. Having a subscription to Dog Fancy Magazine and not owning a dog.

Burt’s Bees Milk & Shea Butter Body Wash

Marvo — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 11:30:17 +0000

The Burt’s Bees Milk & Shea Butter Body Wash is 98.50 percent all natural. I too am 98.50 percent all natural when I walk around my apartment. What is the non-natural 1.5 percent when I’m strut my stuff in my apartment?

It is a sheer polyester g-string with gold sequins…and I work it.

Burt’s Bees personal care products are known for being made with natural ingredients and the company engages in environmentally friendly business practices. Once the secret of hippies everywhere, it has been available to all the smug Toyota Prius drivers out there for several years. I’ve known about Burt’s Bees products for almost a decade, but avoided them at first because they were too pricey for my dried ramen-eating, college-aged ass. But now that I’m an employed 30-something, I guess it’s about time for me to lose my virginity and experience the hippie wonder that is Burt’s Bees products.

The idea of bathing with milk and shea butter may sound unappealing, but when compared to bathing with a cow in the middle of Shea Stadium, it is not so bad. According to the bottle, milk, along with coconut and sunflower oils, create a gentle and richly foaming cleanser. Also according to the bottle, the shea butter, which is rich in vitamins A, E, & F, deeply penetrates skin to nourish, soften, and replenish essential moisture. This combination is supposed to leave skin soft, smooth, and beautiful.

After taking several showers with the Burt’s Bees Milk & Shea Butter Body Wash, I have to say that it isn’t my favorite shower buddy. Honestly, in the bottle, it smells like a warm swimming pool filled with sunscreen-smothered swimmers and enough chlorine to bleach my pubic hairs. On my skin, it smells kind of like clay, which would make sense since I do have a body that should be memorialized in the form of a statue…and then pooped on by pigeons.

Compared with most body washes I’ve used, its consistency was watery, which caused me to squeeze out more product than I wanted to use. While using it, the body wash didn’t lather as much as most of the products I’ve used. This was due to the lack of sodium lauryl/laureth sulfate, which makes a mean lather, but can cause skin irritation to some. Rinsing it off was easy and it didn’t leave a slippery residue that many moisturizing body washes do.

The Burt’s Bees Milk & Shea Butter Body Wash did make my skin soft, but I don’t think it made it beautiful. But then again, the only thing that can make my skin beautiful are the tears of orphan Asian babies.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Cinby for suggestion a Burt’s Bees review.)

Item: Burt’s Bees Milk & Shea Butter Body Wash
Price: $7.99 (12-ounces)
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Made me clean. Made my skin soft. 98.50% natural. Sodium lauryl/laureth sulfate free. Rinses off easily. Not tested on animals. Losing my Burt’s Bees virginity. My sheer polyester g-string with gold sequins.
Cons: Disappointing scent. Watery consistency. Doesn’t lather as much as other body washes. Bathing with a cow in the middle of Shea Stadium.

Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel

Marvo — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 09:43:52 +0000

The scent of the Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel takes me back to the mid-1990s because it smells very similar to my cologne of choice back in those days — Davidoff’s Cool Water, or as I called it, “Liquid Sexy.”

For me, the mid-1990s was a time of freedom, during which I shunned bedtimes, ate whatever I wanted, said whatever was on my mind, drank alcohol via a tube and funnel, and lost my virginity…I think.

I loved the scent of Cool Water so much that to get the full effect of it I also used the deodorant, shower gel, shampoo, aftershave, hair gel, moisturizer, and a folded Cool Water scented advertisement from either Men’s Health Magazine or GQ Magazine placed in one of my pockets.

Whenever you were around me in those days, you could not miss the seductive scent of Cool Water radiating from my body and you could not light a match near me because I was highly flammable.

Speaking of being hot, that’s what the ladies would feel after getting a whiff of my “man aura.” Whenever I came walking by, women would step aside and watch me glide. Some would turn their heads away, while others would walk further away to ensure they wouldn’t embarrass themselves by jumping my bones in public. Sure, I never got laid while wearing Cool Water, but I guess that just proves I was too sexy with it on.

So instead I must settle for the Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel, which contains aloe to helps soothe and soften the skin, tea tree oil to invigorate and refresh the skin, and comes in a manly turquoise color. After using it, I could not tell if my skin was invigorated or refreshed, but I think for most men they really don’t care about that.

Overall, I really do like its earthy, slightly musky scent, which is definitely for guys, and mostly importantly, it gets me clean. It may not exactly be like the “Liquid Sexy” I remember and it won’t get me laid, but perhaps I can create a few new memories with the Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel in the mid-2000s.

Item: Bath & Body Works Men’s Cool Spring Shower Gel
Price: $10.50
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: If you want to relive the 1990s, it kind of smells like Davidoff’s Cool Water cologne. Lathers nicely. Gets me clean. My “man aura.”
Cons: Limited Bath & Body Works stuff for men. Can’t tell if my skin was invigorated or refreshed. Being highly flammable. Being too sexy.

Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash

Marvo — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 07:05:02 +0000

I’d like to think I’m an every man. Just your typical Y chromosome.

HIGH FIVE!

Like most guys, I love watching sports. Whenever my favorite sport, figure skating, is on, I get all crazy over that shit. Whenever my boyz come over to watch a competition, we all represent by putting on tight sequin jumpsuits with a sock in the crotch. Some of our suits have tassels, while others have lace. We each have a different favorite professional skater, so the color of the sequins on our suits depend on which country the athlete is from.

Things can get pretty rowdy when we’re watching them compete, like whenever my boy Stephane Lambiel pulls out a triple triple-double, I start to talk trash and do my bad ass victory dance, which consists of jazz hands, pirouettes, and an “In yo’ face!”

NON-SEXUAL PAT ON THE ASS!

I’m a man’s man, man. Even the things I own are items that an every man has.

What man doesn’t enjoy the softness of 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and an 800 thread count down feather comforter with images of bamboo stalks on them? I love the way it feels on my skin when I sleep every night in just my birthday suit and a gel sleep mask, like all manly men do.

Also, I have what every every man has, an array of candles. I’ve got candles for each of the seasons, candles for different moods, and candles that really help me get in touch with my masculine side. Sometimes when I’m feeling really manly, I’ll make my own candles. I’ve been experimenting with scents and I’ve come up with some manly scents, like rose lemon zest and ivory green tea potpourri.

FIST PUMP!

Since I’m an every man, I knew I had to try the Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash. As you can see in the picture above, it comes in an unusually shaped bottle, which reminded me of something manly, but I couldn’t quite figure it out at first. However, when I took it into the shower with me and turned it sideways, I quickly figured out what manly thing it was, which you can see below.

The body wash inside the cock and ballsack-shaped bottle pleasantly tickled my olfactory sense. The really nice citrus scent was sweet and orangey, which I felt was a nice unisex fragrance that both men and women could use, much like the mid-1990s over-hyped scent, cK one. It lathered up nicely and washed away cleanly.

According to the bottle, the Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash consists of coconut-derived surfactants to cleanse, polyethylene beads to scrub away dry and dead skin, and citrus oils of mandarin orange and lemon to refresh. What this body wash doesn’t contain is sodium lauryl sulfate, dyes, and paraben, which I think is good for those of you with really sensitive skin, but if you were a man’s man, you might want to see a dermatologist for that.

CHEST BUMP!

Item: Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash
Price: $4.99 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great citrus smell. Unisex scent. Scrubby. Never tested on animals. Sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS) free. Dye free. Paraben free. Candles. Figure skating. 1000 thread count Egyptian sheets. HIGH FIVE!
Cons: Not available at many retailers. The bottle turned sideways looks like cock and balls. Being a dude and wearing the same fragrance as your female college chemistry lab partner.

Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist

Marvo — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 07:42:42 +0000

Right now, I want you to close your eyes and imagine me washing my body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Do you like what you’re picturing in your mind?

If you’re having a hard time thinking of what my lathered up bod looks like, let me help you out.

My chest is like Kate Moss’, except I have slightly bigger boobs than she does and a lot more hair. Growl! Like wooden chopsticks at a sushi bar, my arms are skinny, pale, and can only lift things by using both of them at the same time, unless I stab stuff with one arm. My gut could be a six-pack if I sucked it in hard enough, but I don’t, so instead it looks like a mini-keg. If you’ve seen rap video hoochies, you know what my booty looks like, except extremely pale. My legs are like a fine thoroughbred racing horse’s, only in furriness, not in shape or muscle definition. Finally, at certain angles my head kind of looks like John Cho’s from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle.

Now wrap all of that together, and put some soap suds over it, and you can imagine me cleaning my wet naked body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Can you visualize it? Can you see my glistening physique? Oooh, do you like what you see? Do you like what you smell?

Well I don’t like what I smell, because the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist makes me smell like lemon Pledge wood spray.

The only times I should smell like lemon Pledge is if I’m getting it on with a hot cleaning maid who speaks very little English on a freshly-cleaned dining table or being sprayed in the face with lemon Pledge by a hot cleaning maid after using the pick up line, “I’ve got something else that’s hard and wooden that needs some cleaning…and lovin’.”

I don’t know if the Iced Tea Twist combined with my au naturel body odor causes some kind of chemical reaction to make it smell like lemon Pledge, but it disappoints me because in the bottle the Iced Tea Twist actually smells like the iced tea I make with the sweetened Nestea iced tea powder mix. It smells good enough that if I wanted to put a Jackass-type of video up on YouTube and the bottle didn’t specifically say, “CAUTION: FOR ADULT EXTERNAL USE ONLY,” I would totally mix it with some chilled filtered water, drink it, then call the National Capital Poison Center at 1-800-222-1222 and hope I don’t die.

The lemon Pledge smell is definitely a turn off, but the metallic brown color of the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist is pretty and I would probably use it if I decide to pimp my 2003 Toyota Corolla and turn it into a rice racer. Finally, Iced Tea Twist is like RuPaul, because they are both 3-in-1. While the Iced Tea Twist is a body wash, bubble bath and shampoo, RuPaul is a woman, a man and FABULOUS.

So if you enjoy smelling like lemon Pledge, and I’m pretty sure one percent of you do, the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist is the next best thing behind using lemon Pledge as an eau de toilette. For the other 99 percent of you, I would recommend avoiding it, because it’s not appealing at all, just like imagining me lathering up my naked body.

(Editor’s Note: Since I won’t be using the rest of the bottle, I’m giving it away. Although, it’s been next to my naked body and I have cooties, so I think I might have a hard time getting rid of it. However, if you’re interested in receiving the rest of the bottle of Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist and possibly getting cooties, just leave a comment with this review with the words “I want to smell like lemon Pledge” and I’ll have a drawing for it. The drawing is open to everyone and entries will be accepted until Sunday, July 15, 2007.)

Item: Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist
Price: $6.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Smells like sweetened Nestea iced tea in the bottle. Cool metallic brown color. Body wash, bubble bath and shampoo. Hot cleaning maids.
Cons: Smells like lemon Pledge on my body. For external use only. Visualizing me washing my naked body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Having bigger boobs than Kate Moss.

NEWS: I Like My Method Bottles Like Flo Jo

Marvo — Wed, 23 May 2007 00:50:10 +0000

Oh, Sir Mix-A-Lot, I now feel your pain and truly understand when you said, “I’m tired of magazines, sayin’ flat butts are the thing. Take the average black man and ask him that, she gotta pack much back.”

The new Method Bloq line lacks the most noticeable attribute about Method cleaning products — their juicy, sexy curves. It’s the main reasons why I’m a Method fanboy and why when I hold one of those curvy Method bottles I feel a lot less lonely.

Being the semi-treehugger that I am, I also like Method cleaning products because they’re biodegradable, use recyclable packaging, and aren’t tested on animals.

I’m happy the Method Bloq line of body washes, bars of soap, body lotion, and shaving cream continues the Method tradition of being environmentally friendly, but disappointed that it breaks away from the stereotypical Method packaging by being flat like a table or anorexic, drug-addicted supermodel whose name starts with “K” and ends with “Ate Moss.”

Each product in the Bloq line comes in a variety of scents and prices range from $6 to $8.

[Site:] Method

Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel

Marvo — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 08:51:13 +0000

Whenever I want to get in touch with my feminine side, I like to dip my body in a tub of Nair to get rid of all my body hair, rinse off and slip into something comfortable, preferably something silky, in either pink or purple, and with a white lace trim. The smoothness of the silk feels good on my skin, while the white lace provides a little bit of scratchiness, but both providing sort of a balance of pleasure and pain.

I’ll light warm vanilla scented candles around my bed, put some lavender body lotion all over and paint my nails either Steamy Red, Goth Purple or Pink Passion. Then I’ll lay on my bed with more silky and lace pillows than I have fingers. While I allow the nail polish to dry, I’ll pick up a Harlequin romance novel and read it from cover to cover, giggling every time the word “manhood” is used.

Then I’ll watch a marathon of The Facts of Life episodes on DVD, watching Blair’s spoiled tendencies, Natalie’s fun-loving ways, Tootie’s nosiness, Jo’s tomboyishness and Mrs. Garrett’s hot messy red hair. After the marathon I’ll enjoy a glass of red wine, while I prepare a light, yet delicious, meal from one of my Martha Stewart cookbooks with the Lifetime Channel playing the background.

After I’ve enjoyed my meal and cried a little from the movie that was playing on the Lifetime Channel, I’ll relax in the comfort of a warm bubble bath with another glass of red wine and a CD of ambient sounds playing.

As I sit in the bath, a mud face mask helps clear my facial pores and soaks up the toxins coming from them. Cucumbers are placed over my eyes to help deflate their puffiness. I take in deep breaths, hold them for a moment and then exhale.

After I step out of the bubble bath and rinse everything off, I’ll fart, burp and scratch my balls to return to my manly self.

As you can see, I do quite a number of things when I want to get in touch with my feminine side. But sometimes I want a quick way to bring out the X chromosomes in me, but I haven’t found anything to do that.

Recently, my twin sister picked up for me the new Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel for me to review, thanks to a coupon I gave her, which allowed her to pick up a free Wild Honeysuckle product when she spent ten dollars or more. I hoped that using it would help bring out the inner woman in me faster than my usual routine.

I’ve been using it for the past week and I have to say that its sweet floral scent is definitely not meant for dudes, like some other Bath & Body Works products are. However, let me just say if a woman had the Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel’s sweet floral fragrance originating from her body she would smell so good that I would totally fuc…

(Editor’s Note: Sixteen paragraphs have been removed due to their extremely explicit XXX sexual content. They definitely weren’t fit for TIB reader consumption, although from those sixteen paragraphs many of you would’ve learned something new you could’ve used when making hard, sweaty lovin’.)

Okay, I guess the Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel won’t let me get in touch with my feminine side. Instead it does the carnal opposite, which I think is good for me, but bad for the woman I’m in bed with. I imagine it’s sort of like what Elizabeth Dole goes through when Bob Dole takes his Viagra.

Item: Bath & Body Works Pleasures Wild Honeysuckle Shower Gel
Price: FREE (Retails for $9.50)
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Smells awesome on a woman and I would fuc…(Editor’s Note: Three sentences have been deleted due to their explicit sexual content). Sweet floral smell is really nice. Getting in touch with my feminine side. Mrs. Garrett’s hot messy red hair. Silk on my skin.
Cons: Its scent is not meant for dudes. Pricey for shower gel, but isn’t most stuff from B&BW expensive when not on sale. The use of the word “manhood” in Harlequin romance novels.

Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash

Marvo — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 06:00:24 +0000

This review is dedicated to all the MILFs out there. Because without them, the population wouldn’t grow and the Fountains of Wayne song, “Stacy’s Mom” wouldn’t exist.

Let’s face it, MILFs. Raising children can be hard. Sure, conceiving children is fun, but raising them and pushing them out through your vagina…not so much. How do I know this? Because I was once a child that would cause my mother lots of grief.

I would cry over spilled milk. I would sob when I pooped in my pants. I would weep when I wet my bed. I shed tears when I stepped on a Lego piece. I would wail and call out for my mommy when the big girls in school would push me around.

I was a wuss and I’m probably still one, proving right the message I once received from a fortune cookie. It said, “You are what you come out of,” and I came out of a pussy.

Growing up, I was not only a wuss, I was also a curious child trying things that caused my mom stress, like attempt to dunk a basketball using a mini exercise trampoline, play catch with a prickly pear fruit, and undress my sister’s Barbie dolls.

My youthful curiosity also caused me to ask way too many questions, which was also something that probably irked my mom because she might’ve not known the answer or how to answer the question without corrupting my innocent young mind. Questions like: Why can’t I have ice cream for breakfast? What does “shit” mean? Why does Mr. T always pity the fool? What does beer taste like? How can Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble have such hot wives? Why is the horse trying to ride the other horse?

Back then, to relieve the stress that I was giving her, I think the only options she had was to soak herself in Calgon or cry on my dad’s shoulder. Today, MILFs have more options to relieve stress, like the new Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash.

I picked up this particular Bath & Body Works body wash because I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one. I’d list all 99 problems, but listing all of them would give me one more problem to worry about and I don’t want 100 problems, but I’ll just say that I need to find out what came first, the chicken or the egg and I REALLY need to get out of my head the same continuous loop of wailing that’s in the House of Pain song “Jump Around.”

According to the bottle, in order to help me relieve stress and temporarily forget my problems, the Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash contains:

The fresh essence of pure Australian Eucalyptus oil is greatly valued for its clarifying and relaxing effects. It is blended here with a complementary balance of American Spearmint essence, renowned for its calmative powers.

The bottle goes on to say:

Feel stress fade away as you lather this relaxing skin cleanser and let its calming blend of eucalyptus and spearmint essential oils comfort your soul and soften your skin.

So did it help me relieve stress and forget my problems?

The Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash’s clean, menthol-ish smell was kind of weird and kind of nice as I lathered it all over my wet, naked and dirty body. I guess its scent was a little soothing, but not strong enough to relieve my stress.

Also, since almost everyone rinses off in the shower once completely lathered, which takes about a minute or two, they won’t be able to appreciate its aroma for a very long time. I don’t think there are many people who stand in a shower all lathered up for extended periods of time, except shower singers and masturbators.

Yes MILFs, it’s stressful raising a sperm and egg and turning them into a contributing member of society. There are lots of ups and downs along the way, but as long as they stay out of prison and your house after they graduate, it will be all worth it.

Item: Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash
Price: $13.00 (10 ounces)
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Gets me clean. It’s scent was a little soothing, but was kind of weird smelling at the same time. Some green tea to help cleanse and soothe the skin. Finished product was not tested on animals.
Cons: Really pricey for a body wash. Clean menthol-ish scent was kind of weird. Can’t appreciate aroma for a very long in the shower unless you’re a shower singer or masturbator. The world without the Fountains of Wayne song “Stacy’s Mom.” Your children ending up prison. My 99 problems.

Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash

Marvo — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 10:01:36 +0000

I’m sorry I’ve been totally ignoring you, ladies.

I don’t want to you to think that I don’t care about you, because I really do care about you. You’re very special to me and I cherish what little time we spend together. But you have to understand that I’ve been helping out many people, like Asians, vegetarians, hungry travelers, naked people, and skinny alcoholics. Because of this, I haven’t had the time or the energy to do the things we usually do with each other.

For example, I know I haven’t been massaging your back, shoulders, feet, arms, legs, head, and eyebrows like I usually do. I know you miss it, because it’s quality time spent together and I know that every time I massaged you, I would take you away, which was the reason why you gave me the nickname “The Human Calgon Bath.”

I also know that we haven’t been cuddling or talking much and you probably feel distant from me, but I don’t really know what to talk about when I’m with you.

I don’t think you’d be interested in hearing about how excited I am about the new Barenaked Ladies album or my wondering about how they’re going to have an X-Men 4 or what I find in my belly button every day.

I don’t even whisper sweet nothings into your ear anymore, like “My love is like a red rose,” “Your skin is soft like a flower petal,” “I love the way your armpit smells,” or “Pour some sugar on me, ooh, in the name of love.”

So to make up for the neglect, I’m going to review the Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash, just for you.

I know that reviewing it probably won’t make up for the fact that I don’t say anything when you ask me if those jeans make your ass look fat or the blank stare I give you when you want me to vote for the least talented contestant on American Idol, but it’s the thought that counts and the Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash just might be the remedy to bring us closer together again.

The Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash is not only a body wash, it’s also a shampoo and a bubble bath. Its strawberry scent smelled good. It was like I was playing with my a Strawberry Shortcake doll, brushing its red hair with a small plastic brush, while having a tea party with Apple Dumplin’ and Huckleberry Pie. It’s also got conditioning Pro-Vitamin B5.

Its multiple uses makes me wish I had something like this during my Cool Water for Men scent wearing days, when I not only had the cologne, but I also had the deodorant, shower gel, and aftershave. I literally reeked of Cool Water.

As a shampoo, it takes quite a bit of it to make a good lather, but it would probably take a whole lot more if I washed your hair, like I usually did when I massaged your scalp. A lack of lather can also be said about its use as a body wash, which I would probably use if we showered together again, except for those 5 to 7 days out of the month when your “friend” comes over to visit. As a bubble bath, it does a decent job of creating a layer of bubbles for a soothing warm bubble bath, just like the ones we used to take together, surrounded by the glow of candles and soft classical music that ended with severely pruney fingers. Although the bubbles didn’t last as long as I would’ve liked them to.

See, ladies. Maybe this Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash can bring us closer together and take us back to a time when I revolved around you.

Item: Bath & Body Works Frozen Daiquiri 3-In-1 Body Wash
Price: $12.00
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Smells good. Strawberry goodness. 3-in-1 body wash, shampoo, and bubble bath. Whispering sweet nothings in your ear. A tea party with Strawberry Shortcake. Not tested on animals.
Cons: Expensive. Neglecting the ladies. Takes a lot to make a good lather. Bubble bath bubbles didn’t last as long as I would like. Not frozen. When your “friend” comes over to visit. Reeking of Cool Water. Pruney fingers.

Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub

Marvo — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 00:56:15 +0000

The six F’s I earned in college…Check.

Owning Carmen Electra’s rap CD…Check.

Getting aroused by a Photoshopped nude image of Rosie O’Donnell…Check.

That experiment involving peanut butter, a microwave, and a body part that rhymes with the word “machinist”…Check.

Oh, hello there.

I’m just making a list of things I want to scrub away with the new Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub. According to its advertisements I’ve seen in magazines and on television, it can scrub away the shame caused by questionable hook-ups.

I figured if it’s powerful enough to scrub away the shame of hooking up with either a female Romanian bodybuilder with more armpit hair than most men, that “woman” met via the “Anything Goes” personals section of a local alternative newspaper, or the “25-year-old” party girl on MySpace who turned out to be a 54-year-old party woman, but partied so hard that she looked 74 years old, it could also help me get rid of all the shameful things I’ve done in my life.

The Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub uses desert minerals and cactus oil to deeply clean and exfoliates to remove dirt, dry skin, and possibly that incident with a mime, monkey, and a bath tub full of mayonnaise.

After using the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub for several days, I can’t seem to scrub away the shame of owning the LaToya Jackson Playboy issue or that time I let a dog lick my face for longer than I should’ve and imagined it was Natalie Portman with really overactive saliva glands.

The Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub has not been able to scrub away the shame I accumulated over the years, but I do think its masculine scent will keep away any possible questionable hook-ups, because it just doesn’t smell good. In the bottle, it smells good. All over my body, not so much.

How do I know this?

Well after taking a shower with the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub, I walked over to the convenience store down the street. While there, I passed by a very cute college girl in the candy aisle. Right after I passed by her, she began coughing, like she smelled something bad.

I think I was that something bad.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find out if it’s possible to use the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub to help me scrub away the shame of using the Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub.

Item: Axe Snake Peel Shower Scrub
Price: $4.39
Purchased at: Kmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It’s yellow. Desert minerals exfoliate the skin. Nice grippy bottle. Rich lather.
Cons: Like most Axe products, it smells lame. The desert minerals are redundant if you use a loofah. Women possibly won’t like the scent. Probably better repels women than attracts them. My list of things I need to scrub away.