If snowboarder/skateboarder/redhead Shaun White ever forgets his name, I hope he’s carrying around a pack of his Whitemint Stride Gum because it’ll help him remember his name quickly since it’s printed ALL OVER the gum’s packaging.

His name is on the front of the pack. It’s on the top and bottom of the pack. His signature is on the back of the pack. Oh, but that’s not all. The wrapper that surrounds each piece of Whitemint Stride Gum also has his name on it…many times. I estimate Shaun White’s name is printed more than a hundred times on and in each pack of his gum.

I’ve seen his name so many times now that I’m beginning to think my name is Shaun White.

Personally, I’m surprised Stride didn’t go that extra mile and engrave his name on the back and front of each piece of gum. Although, maybe if I look at the packaging through a powerful microscope, I’ll see that all the graphics are made using microscopic printings of Shaun White’s name.

That would blow my mind.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a microscope, or access to one of the labs at the nearby university that have microscopes because I’m not allowed on campus for one year due to “complaints” from female students, so I can’t find out.

But I hope the graphic designer who came up with the packaging designed it with tiny printing, because, if so, Whitemint Stride Gum would have something exciting about it, since its flavor isn’t completely compelling.

I swear Whitemint Stride Gum tastes like another Stride Gum flavor, but I’m not sure which one since Stride seems to develop a new mint flavor every six months or so. It has a mild sweet mint flavor, so it could be Sweet Peppermint Stride Gum. Or it could be the sweet and minty Nonstop Mint Stride Gum.

Whitemint Stride Gum is available for a limited time, so don’t expect to see it forever in the checkout line with all the gum, candy, and tabloids you could impulsively buy. While its flavor didn’t blow my mind, like watching Shaun White shred in a half-pipe, I did enjoy having it in my mouth for 15-30 minutes and I also liked the fact that I can chew on it during that time without having to worry about it getting hard in my mouth.

With this gum being able to last as long as it does, I could chew on it while counting all the times Shaun White’s name appears on and in each Whitemint Stride Gum pack and then compare it to the number of times the word “yeah” is said in Usher’s song “Yeah!”

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol, and 0 grams of protein.)

Other Whitemint Stride Gum reviews:
Gum Alert
TV & Gum Are Awesome

Item: Whitemint Stride Gum
Price: $1.24
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent sweet mint flavor. Pleasant texture. It’s ridiculously long lasting. Watching Shaun White shred on a halfpipe.
Cons: Tastes like another Stride Gum flavor. Flavor isn’t totally exciting. Shaun White’s name is printed way too many times. Wondering whether the word “shred” is still cool.

Update: Click here to read our Whitemint Stride Gum review

You know how some folks have the perfect name for what they do.

Now I’m not talking about porn stars because most of them make up their names. I’m talking about people like Winter Olympic gold medalist Shaun White, who has an appropriate last name for a snowboarder.

He also has a last name that can easily become part of a made up compound word, which Stride Gum has compounded to name their new Shaun White-inspired gum, Whitemint.

White helped select Stride Whitemint’s flavor which is described as “a long lasting intense mint.” He also helped create the look of the gum’s packaging which consists of “a simple, cool design with unique and exclusive graphics that bring White’s personality to life.” The packaging also includes five random comedic scenarios of White with the Stride Ram (you know, the one that forces Stride gum chewers to spit out their gum).

Stride Whitemint will be available from now until September 2011 and the 14-piece packs have a suggested retail price of $1.49.

Source: Candy & Snack Today

WOOO!!! I am sooooo wired, mofos!

You better not light a match near me right now because I’mma erupt! So I don’t need you Stride Spark and your pitiful 25 percent of my daily intake of vitamins B6 and B12. I don’t care if it comes in two flavors — Kinetic Fruit and Kinetic Mint. You know who’s kinetic right now? I AM! I’mma go run five miles in 30 minutes. BOOM! I’ll be right back.

(30 minutes later)

WOOO!!! I’m back, mofos!

My heart right now is beating like I just shared a mountain of cocaine with Charlie Sheen and a couple of pornstars. How did I get so frickin’ wired? Yo man, I started off my day with a Red Bull, supplemented it with an 8-hour energy shot. Then I supplement the 8-hour energy shots with a couple of sugar-free Red Bulls and some weird, expensive Chinese herbal green tea that has some bits of an animal’s penis in it. I don’t know which animal it is, but my guess is that it’s a cheetah, but it’s more likely a small monkey or cow. After the 8-hour energy shot wears off, I taper off and calm down with a 5-Hour Energy shot, supplementing it with a can of Pepsi Max. By the time it’s three in the morning, I’m ready to go to sleep and start my day again in four hours.

You can’t keep up with me, Stride Spark. WOOO!!!

Twenty-five percent is pocket change to me. To get 25 percent of my daily vitamin B6 and B12, all it need to do is take a quick sippy sip of a 5-Hour Energy, which has 2,000 percent vitamin B6 and 8,333 percent of vitamin B12. WOOO!!! Stride Spark can’t compete with that, even if I chewed on all 14 pieces in the pack at the same time. Heck, I don’t even know how long I need to chew on the gum to get the 25 percent. Actually, I probably do know. Because I chew like a buzzsaw when I’m totally wired, it would probably take me a minute.

Because I’m so wired and get things done quickly, I had some time to give both Stride Spark flavors a spin.

Kinetic Fruit is a little harsh for the first few chews, like I’m chewing on a tropical air freshener, but it gets to something palatable quickly. I’m not sure what artificial and natural fruit flavors they stuck in it, but I do detect a bit of citrus. Kinetic Mint has good, but mild peppermint flavor that makes you wonder if it’s powerful enough to vaporize the stank from your mouth. After chewing on it for a few minutes it begins to have a slight medicinal taste to it, like I’m chewing on a Tums. Both gums were soft from beginning to end and both flavors are decent, although I prefer Kinetic Fruit over Kinetic Mint, but I think the flavor gets muted quicker than other Stride gum I’ve had. This is strange for a Stride gum, which prides itself on being the long lasting gum and usually is.

If you’re a regular drinker of energy products, Stride Spark probably won’t help you, because it didn’t help me. I’m also skeptical about it working for those who aren’t regular consumers of energy products because I don’t think it contains enough B vitamins to give them a boost.

Man, those last few paragraphs were a bit mellow. I think I need a little stimulation. Time for some weird, expensive Chinese herbal green tea that has some bits of a cheetah’s penis in it.

WOOO!!! That’s the stuff!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, 25% vitamin B6, and 25% vitamin B12.)

Other Stride Spark Gum reviews:
Gum Alert

Item: Stride Spark Gum (Kinetic Fruit & Kinetic Mint)
Price: $1.44 each
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Kinetic Fruit)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Kinetic Mint)
Pros: Something to chew when you need something to chew. If you don’t get enough B vitamins, it might help. Both have decent flavor, but I prefer Kinetic Fruit over Kinetic Mint. 8-hour energy shots. Running five miles in 30 minutes.
Cons: Doesn’t seem to be as long lasting as other Stride Gums. Won’t provide a boost for those who regularly consume energy products. Not sure if there’s enough B vitamins to provide a boost for others. Kinetic Mint tastes like Tums after chewing on it for a while. Kinetic Fruit tastes like a tropical air freshener during the first couple of chews. Drinking tea made with bits of animal penis. Having to share a mountain of cocaine with Charlie Sheen.

Update: Click here to read our Stride Spark review

Are you disappointed you can’t get an energy pick up because alcoholic energy drink Sparks has been banned in your area? Well Stride Gum has your back with their new line of Spark gum which contains the energizing B6 and B12 vitamins.

Unfortunately, the gum seems to lack caffeine, but at least you won’t get into any accidents with the gum, like you might if you consumed a Sparks energy drink, unless you have trouble chewing gum and walking at the same time.

But I can understand why Stride would leave out caffeine, since it has an extremely bitter flavor. Although having a bitter flavor would solve Stride’s made up problem of people not spitting out their gum.

I don’t know how much B vitamins are in a stick of Stride Spark gum, but a serving of most energy drinks contain 100 percent of your daily recommended intake of B6 and B12 vitamins, so hopefully it’s around there.

Stride Spark gum will come in two flavors: Kinetic Mint and Kinetic Fruit. It will be available early next year in 14-piece packs.

I was once left with a case of blue balls because a woman said to me on my college dorm room bed that French kissing me is like French kissing a dog because my tongue just hangs out of my mouth and there’s drool everywhere.

While I did come back with the line, “Well, how would you know what it’s like to French kiss a dog, Ms. Bestiality,” which caused her to storm out of my dorm room and making the blue scrunchy signal for my roommate on the outside door knob meaningless, it did make me wonder if my inability to properly stick my tongue in a woman’s mouth is the reason why I lack the tongue dexterity to spread out a large enough surface area to create a bubble with a piece of chewing gum. Well, it looks like it’s time to test my tongue dysfunction with the Uber Bubble Stride Gum.

Like frat boys who brag about having the sexual prowess of porn stars, Stride Gum proudly claims that it’s extremely long lasting. Unfortunately, one person’s idea of “long lasting” may not equal to another person’s idea of “long lasting.” For example, the frat boy may think three minutes of pleasure is perfect, but the unsatisfied co-ed beneath him probably isn’t happy about the quickie that lasted the same amount of time it takes for her to brush her teeth.

As for the Stride Gum, it took about 20 minutes or so before it lost all flavor and I had the urge to spit it out. While that’s enough time to satisfy a co-ed and then cuddle with her, I like the flavor of the gum I chew to last a little longer than that. In other words, a little more uber.

The Uber Bubble Stride Gum’s initial flavor tasted like, I’m not kidding, the wood of a number two pencil, but after a few seconds it disappears and is replaced with a mellow bubble gum flavor. It’s not as strong as Bazooka Gum, but it’s much better and longer lasting than a piece of gum that came out of a 25-cent machine or a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. However, its flavor was nowhere near uber.

While my taste buds don’t think it has an uber bubble gum flavor or is uber lasting, I was hoping I could at least make uber bubbles with a piece (or four) of the Stride Gum, but I was unable to make any bigger than an inch in diameter. I think I was unable to do it because the gum wasn’t soft enough, like Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious, to create a good bubble. And because my dysfunctional tongue still doesn’t have enough dexterity, despite all the French kissing practice I’ve done with my fist.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Uber Bubble Stride Gum
Price: $1.12
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mellow bubble gum flavor. Flavor lasts a decent amount of time, but uberer would be better. Better than the gum from a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. Sugarfree.
Cons: Can’t make bubbles with one piece. Bubble gum flavor was nowhere near uber. Initial flavor was like a number two pencil. Three minute men. My inability to blow uber bubble gum bubbles. Blue balls.

Minty gum flavors are like shades of gray — there are slight variations, either minty coolness with the gum or values in the hexadecimal format (or sadness in an emo’s soul) with the gray, but to most people it’s basically the same shit. The Nonstop Mint Stride Gum is just another shade of gray, albeit on the lighter side, that plays a lot of Dashboard Confessional and The Get Up Kids on its iPod.

I believe the Nonstop Mint Stride almost has the perfect minty gum name, although the folks at Stride Gum disagree since they have a contest going on to determine a new name for it that involves people submitting their ideas for a chance to win $10,000. I think the name is fine because it somewhat accurately describes the gum itself. It’s minty and, while it may not be “nonstop,” it lasts surprisingly long, like Steve Wozniak’s stay on Dancing With The Stars.

Naming a minty gum is simple if you have nerve endings and aren’t agoraphobic. Just go outside when it’s dark or cold, strip down to your underwear (or naked if it’s legal in your neck of the woods or you live in the middle of the woods), wait a few minutes for your body temperature to drop, write down what you’re feeling (if your shaking hands allow you to), and then add the word “mint” at the end of everything you’re feeling.

I’ve come up with a number of minty gum names using this technique, like Wind Blast Mint, Mid-40′s Mint, Shiver Mint, Misty Wind Mint, Hard Nipple Mint, It’s So Cold I Can’t Write Straight Mint, My Nipples Are So Hard That They Could Poke An Eye Out Mint, Holy Shit It’s Fucking Freezing Mint, and Shrunken Genitalia Mint.

The Nonstop Mint doesn’t have a strong minty flavor like a lot of chewing gums with names that combine a weather report with the word “mint,” but it does have a sweet side. I guess if there was a minty Juicy Fruit it would taste somewhat like this. I enjoyed its flavor and was able to chew on it for more than 45 minutes before I had the urge to spit it out, but if you need something stronger to get rid of the garlic, onions or mistress/boytoy you just ate, I’d suggest something other than the Nonstop Mint Stride.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbs, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

(Note: Read another review here.)

Item: Nonstop Mint Stride Gum
Price: $1.39
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Minty sweet flavor. Has a name that almost accurately describes it. Long lasting flavor. Able to keep it in my mouth for more than 45 minutes. 14 frickin’ pieces. No fat. Stripping down to your underwear in the name of marketing. Genitalia.
Cons: Not a strong minty flavor. Doesn’t seem strong enough to get rid of garlic, onions or genitalia in your mouth. Shrinking genitalia in cold weather. Being agoraphobic. My excessive use of the word “genitalia” in this review.