REVIEW: Listerine Zero

Listerine Zero

The new Listerine Zero has no alcohol in it, which means it doesn’t have the usual Listerine burn that causes some to curse oral hygiene.

However, I enjoy the burning sensation because if I’m suffering while swishing Listerine for 60 seconds, I can imagine how much pain those millions of germs in my mouth that cause bad breath are experiencing.

All of it warms the cockles of my heart. Their agony is my pleasure.

However, with Listerine Zero I derive a lot less pleasure from killing those millions of germs.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I could hear the screams of the germs or if the germs could beg for their lives or if I could pretend to let the germs go, giving them a false sense of hope and then hunt them down using the RFID chip I would surgically place in them. But as we all know, germs don’t have mouths to scream out of or knees to beg on, and microscopic RFID chips aren’t available yet.

If only I could get my hands on some nanotechnology, then I could have nanorobots, armed with razor sharp arms, gut each and every germ. The nanorobots would also be programmed to take a germ’s skin and wear it.

I guess to get some delight from killing germs with Listerine Zero, I could scrape my tongue and cheek; stick whatever I collect on a microscope slide; place it under a microscope to watch those germs slowly die without a warm, moist environment; and then when they least expect it, place a drop of Listerine Zero on top of them. The mouthwash will kill them instantly and I get to watch their lifeless bodies float on the microscope slide. Rinse and repeat.

But alas, I don’t have access to nanotechnology or a microscope.

The instructions recommend rinsing with Listerine Zero for 30 seconds, which is extremely easy to do, thanks to its pleasant, muted Clean Mint flavor. While there’s still a burning sensation, it’s extremely light. On a burning scale of one to ten, with one being water and ten being original Listerine, the alcohol-less Listerine Zero would be a three or four.

With that very slight burn, I easily drowned the germs in my mouth for three minutes and then got rid of the bodies by spitting them and the murder weapon down the drain. If I had the time and saliva didn’t build up in my mouth, I could’ve kept those germs in a minty purgatory forever.

Listerine Zero did a good job of leaving my mouth feeling minty fresh and killing those germs that cause bad breath. And it did it without making me cry like I usually do with regular Listerine. But it seems the only way for me to get any pleasure from killing the millions of germs in my mouth with Listerine Zero is to swish it in my mouth for more than the recommended 30 seconds, while imagining those germs exploding and rubbing my nipples with the right amount of friction.

Item: Listerine Zero
Price: $4.79
Size: 500 mL
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great for those who cry when using regular Listerine. No alcohol. Less intense. Pleasant, muted minty flavor. Killing millions of germs on contact. The pleasure I get from killing those germs.
Cons: Won’t wake you up in the morning like regular Listerine. Not having access to nanotechnology, RFID chips or a microscope. People with sensitive mouths might still feel it’s too intense. The pleasure I get from killing those germs.

NEWS: Listerine Introduces A Mouthwash for Pussies

Are you one of those weaklings who can’t stand the burning sensation of Listerine?

Before, you had two options: grow a pair or not use the mouthwash that kills germs and bacteria in your mouth that cause bad breath. But now, probably thanks to your crying and whining, you have another option — Listerine Zero.

Listerine Zero is alcohol free, which makes it less intense and impossible for people to get drunk off of it, but it’s still able to kill millions of bad breath germs in your mouth.

It only comes in a Cool Mint flavor and is available in two sizes: 500 mL and 1 liter.

REVIEW: Natural Citrus Listerine Mouthwash

Natural Citrus Listerine Mouthwash

My first and only experience with the original Listerine came in the 1980s. The only thing I remember from that traumatic experience was the horrible burning sensation. It felt like all of my taste buds had melted away. They didn’t, but since then I swear things haven’t tasted right.

Eventually the folks who created Listerine came up with more flavors and new compound words, like FreshBurst, WinterMint, and Cool Mint. Over the past year they introduced Natural Citrus.

Let me tell you, this Natural Citrus Listerine is, as the young folks today say, the shiznit. It freshens my breath and tastes like orange soda. It’s the only flavor of Listerine that made me think, “I would drink this, if I didn’t have to call a Poison Control Center right after.”

Despite all of its goodness and breath freshening abilities, I’ve noticed one peculiar problem. When using the other flavors of Listerine, it goes in as whatever color and it comes out the same color. With the Natural Citrus, it goes in orange, but it doesn’t come out orange. Instead it comes out clear.

Where does the orange go? I have two theories:

1. Germs and bacteria in my mouth absorbed it because it tastes like orange soda.
2. The orange part stays in my mouth to valiantly fight the constant battles between good and evil breath, which they eventually lose, due to my love peanut butter.

Well my teeth haven’t turned orange, so it’s nothing to worry about.

So if you’re tired of the burn from the original Listerine, bored of minty mouthwashes, or too lazy to floss your teeth, Natural Citrus Listerine is a great product, even if you can’t drink it.


Product: Listerine Natural Citrus Mouthwash
Purchase Price: $4.19 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Orange soda-like flavor is a change of pace from usual minty mouthwashes. Good enough to drink, if it wasn’t for that whole poisoning thing.
Cons: Mysterious orange color disappearance.