REVIEW: Listerine Zero

Listerine Zero

The new Listerine Zero has no alcohol in it, which means it doesn’t have the usual Listerine burn that causes some to curse oral hygiene.

However, I enjoy the burning sensation because if I’m suffering while swishing Listerine for 60 seconds, I can imagine how much pain those millions of germs in my mouth that cause bad breath are experiencing.

All of it warms the cockles of my heart. Their agony is my pleasure.

However, with Listerine Zero I derive a lot less pleasure from killing those millions of germs.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I could hear the screams of the germs or if the germs could beg for their lives or if I could pretend to let the germs go, giving them a false sense of hope and then hunt them down using the RFID chip I would surgically place in them. But as we all know, germs don’t have mouths to scream out of or knees to beg on, and microscopic RFID chips aren’t available yet.

If only I could get my hands on some nanotechnology, then I could have nanorobots, armed with razor sharp arms, gut each and every germ. The nanorobots would also be programmed to take a germ’s skin and wear it.

I guess to get some delight from killing germs with Listerine Zero, I could scrape my tongue and cheek; stick whatever I collect on a microscope slide; place it under a microscope to watch those germs slowly die without a warm, moist environment; and then when they least expect it, place a drop of Listerine Zero on top of them. The mouthwash will kill them instantly and I get to watch their lifeless bodies float on the microscope slide. Rinse and repeat.

But alas, I don’t have access to nanotechnology or a microscope.

The instructions recommend rinsing with Listerine Zero for 30 seconds, which is extremely easy to do, thanks to its pleasant, muted Clean Mint flavor. While there’s still a burning sensation, it’s extremely light. On a burning scale of one to ten, with one being water and ten being original Listerine, the alcohol-less Listerine Zero would be a three or four.

With that very slight burn, I easily drowned the germs in my mouth for three minutes and then got rid of the bodies by spitting them and the murder weapon down the drain. If I had the time and saliva didn’t build up in my mouth, I could’ve kept those germs in a minty purgatory forever.

Listerine Zero did a good job of leaving my mouth feeling minty fresh and killing those germs that cause bad breath. And it did it without making me cry like I usually do with regular Listerine. But it seems the only way for me to get any pleasure from killing the millions of germs in my mouth with Listerine Zero is to swish it in my mouth for more than the recommended 30 seconds, while imagining those germs exploding and rubbing my nipples with the right amount of friction.

Item: Listerine Zero
Price: $4.79
Size: 500 mL
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great for those who cry when using regular Listerine. No alcohol. Less intense. Pleasant, muted minty flavor. Killing millions of germs on contact. The pleasure I get from killing those germs.
Cons: Won’t wake you up in the morning like regular Listerine. Not having access to nanotechnology, RFID chips or a microscope. People with sensitive mouths might still feel it’s too intense. The pleasure I get from killing those germs.

NEWS: Listerine Introduces A Mouthwash for Pussies

Are you one of those weaklings who can’t stand the burning sensation of Listerine?

Before, you had two options: grow a pair or not use the mouthwash that kills germs and bacteria in your mouth that cause bad breath. But now, probably thanks to your crying and whining, you have another option — Listerine Zero.

Listerine Zero is alcohol free, which makes it less intense and impossible for people to get drunk off of it, but it’s still able to kill millions of bad breath germs in your mouth.

It only comes in a Cool Mint flavor and is available in two sizes: 500 mL and 1 liter.

REVIEW: Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint

Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint

Let’s be honest.

The Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint tinting rinse is basically a bullshit detector for parents to use on their children to ensure they’re not lying about brushing their teeth. It’s made for minors at least 6 years of age, which is when I learned the wonderful technique of lying to get out of trouble and to get what I want. Not even the George Washington cherry tree story, which ironically is a lie, could convince me to always be truthful.

This bullshit detector works by tinting your rug rat’s teeth after they rinse with it for 30 seconds. The blue will attach to their plaque and give their teeth a very light blue tint, which is supposed to encourage your brats to brush their teeth better and to make brushing fun.

Of course, if you’re having trouble getting your offspring to brush, you’ll probably have the same level of trouble getting your nestlings to rinse with this product when they know brushing will follow, which ends up being double the hassle for you. So I’m not sure if this is an efficient way to get your lil’ hellions to brush their teeth.

I don’t have kids, but I’ve come up with a few ways to “convince” your little punks to have good oral hygiene. Which one you use depends on how much pain and/or embarrassment you feel they can handle.

Technique #1: Embarrassment – Are you decent at Photoshop? Know someone who’s good at Photoshop? Take one of your kid’s school pictures, scan it, open the file up in Photoshop and do some digital dental cosmetic surgery. Remove some or all of their teeth; draw squiggly lines or, if you’re a Photoshop expert, a green cloud of gas coming out of their mouth to signify bad breath; and add the words, “Stinky Breath” on the image. Then take the completed image, put it on a t-shirt and make your scamp wear it to school.

Technique #2: Paranoia – Set up a security video camera in the bathroom your lil’ rascals use. It can be real or fake, but it should have a working red light on it and occasionally make sounds like the camera is focusing. If possible, add an intercom system which you’ll use to announce that you’re watching them.

Technique #3: Fear – Show your lil’ wretches episodes of the HBO drama Oz, particularly the really graphic ones, and tell them that people who don’t brush their teeth end up in prison.

Technique #4: Pain – The next time your bundle of joy has a dentist appointment, slip the dentist an extra $50 to add a little more pain to their time in the dentist’s chair. Tell your dentist to scrape a little harder, poke at their gums a little more and threaten them with the drill a few times. If you hear crying or see a little blood, slip the dentist an extra $20.

But if you’re not willing to make these type of commitments, then the Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint tinting rinse might be able to get your gene carriers to brush, although if they have any intelligence I’m pretty sure they can figure out that they can just rinse their mouth with water when you’re not looking to get rid of whatever blue tint there is, hence the Paranoia Technique above.

When I tried this product, I found the blue tint to be unnoticeable after I rinsed with it for 30 seconds. However, after rinsing with it for a minute, the blue tint was a little more prominent and it dyed my plaque and tongue a dark blue, but all of that easily disappeared after I brushed. It had a pleasant minty flavor and because it’s a rinse and not a mouthwash, it doesn’t sting like normal Listerine.

I still don’t know if the Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint will truly encourage little shits to brush their teeth, because it’s not intimidating and Hannah Montana is not on the bottle. All I do know is with my parenting abilities, using pain and embarrassment, I would make an awesome parent, teacher, Scoutmaster or day care facility owner.

Item: Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint
Price: $4.46
Size: 16.9 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: It has a minty flavor. It’s blue. Decent bullshit detector. For adults and children. My parenting techniques. Good oral hygiene.
Cons: I don’t think it’s very effective in encouraging children to brush. Took more than 30 seconds to see blue tint on my teeth. Does not make brushing fun. Name is lame. Bad oral hygiene.

REVIEW: Natural Citrus Listerine Mouthwash

Natural Citrus Listerine Mouthwash

My first and only experience with the original Listerine came in the 1980s. The only thing I remember from that traumatic experience was the horrible burning sensation. It felt like all of my taste buds had melted away. They didn’t, but since then I swear things haven’t tasted right.

Eventually the folks who created Listerine came up with more flavors and new compound words, like FreshBurst, WinterMint, and Cool Mint. Over the past year they introduced Natural Citrus.

Let me tell you, this Natural Citrus Listerine is, as the young folks today say, the shiznit. It freshens my breath and tastes like orange soda. It’s the only flavor of Listerine that made me think, “I would drink this, if I didn’t have to call a Poison Control Center right after.”

Despite all of its goodness and breath freshening abilities, I’ve noticed one peculiar problem. When using the other flavors of Listerine, it goes in as whatever color and it comes out the same color. With the Natural Citrus, it goes in orange, but it doesn’t come out orange. Instead it comes out clear.

Where does the orange go? I have two theories:

1. Germs and bacteria in my mouth absorbed it because it tastes like orange soda.
2. The orange part stays in my mouth to valiantly fight the constant battles between good and evil breath, which they eventually lose, due to my love peanut butter.

Well my teeth haven’t turned orange, so it’s nothing to worry about.

So if you’re tired of the burn from the original Listerine, bored of minty mouthwashes, or too lazy to floss your teeth, Natural Citrus Listerine is a great product, even if you can’t drink it.

Product: Listerine Natural Citrus Mouthwash
Purchase Price: $4.19 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Orange soda-like flavor is a change of pace from usual minty mouthwashes. Good enough to drink, if it wasn’t for that whole poisoning thing.
Cons: Mysterious orange color disappearance.