I know what you’re thinking.

With the word “oral” in the name of today’s review subject, the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack, you’re probably wondering how many oral sex references will be in this review.

I thought about taking the blowjob approach, but realized going down on that long hard road would be an obvious twist for those of you who are regular Impulsive Buy reader. I wanted to wrap my head around quality, rock hard writing, instead of the usual crass and juvenile reviews I write.

But I also thought the idea would be fun to play with. This caused my head to go back and forth between taking the long hard road or not taking it. I also thought if I should swallow my pride, write the review, and see what people think or if I should spit out the idea.

In the end, I wiped my mouth clean of the oral sex idea and decided to do a classy review of these mints, which would involve me sucking on mints, taking it all in my mouth, and doing it repeatedly until I came to a happy ending.

Besides wondering about how many blowjob references would be in this review, I’m sure all of you have non-sexual questions about the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack. So I posed myself several questions that someone would probably ask about these mints. Whether they be long or short questions, I’ll satisfy them all.

Question: What are the six flavors in the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack and which mints did you like sucking on the most and least?

Answer: The six flavors are 7 Deadly Cinnamon, Mojito Mint (Lime Mine Cocktail), Night Light (Caffeinated Chai Mint), Sugar Free Tibet (Sugarless Wintergreens), Classical Peppermint, and Spare Mint. The mint I enjoyed sucking on the most was the Classical Peppermint, because I’ve sucked on a lot of mints over the years and every peppermint has always tasted good in my mouth. My least favorite was the Sugar Free Tibet mint because it tasted like I was sucking on a Fun Dip stick without the flavored sugar.

Question: I’m a smoker and I love to eat things with onions. My co-workers don’t like to be around me after my smoke break or lunch. Will these mints help with my breath?

Answer: If you’ve gone down are a few hot dogs loaded with onion and sauerkraut, I don’t think any of these mints have the power to mask what you just swallowed. None of the smooth mints in the Oral Fixation Variety 6-Pack come close to the punch that Altoids have. Even sticking more than one mint in your mouth won’t help.

Question: I don’t know if you watched Rush Hour 2, but remember that scene when they go to the massage parlor to find Ricky Tan and they’re allowed to choose among a plethora of hot Asian women. Is having to choose between the six mint flavors anything close to that?

Answer: Wow! That was a long question. Give me a moment to take it all in. A little bit more. I’m almost there. Okay, it’s all in. I have seen Rush Hour 2 and I think the scene when they had to choose among a plethora of hot Asian women is similar to picking which mints to suck on. Just like there were really exotic-looking women in that scene, there were also really exotic tasting mints. The Mojito Mint and Night Light mints were intriguing since they were unusual flavors for mints. The Mojito Mint had a good lime flavor and it was probably my second favorite mint from the bunch. The Night Light mints were caffeinated, but I don’t think there was enough to raise me to attention.

Question: Do you think the Oral Fixation logo on the tin looks frickin’ scary and it also looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers mask?

Answer: Dude, it totally looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers mask! Also, the embossed logo on each of the tins seems kind of creepy to me. When I look at it, I’m afraid the logo will pop out and stab me in an eye. Or they’ll melt off and form a pool of liquid metal, which will turn into a female cyborg hellbent on assassinating John Connor. It also looks like a female praying mantis about to eat her mate right after getting it on with each other. If I was sucking on a fattie, that logo would totally blow my mind.

Question: Did you try all six flavors at one time?

Question: I did stick all six mints in my mouth, and let me tell you, it was hard because it’s been awhile since I’ve had six mints in my mouth. I thought I’d spit some out, but I kept all of them in my mouth.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Dennis from Details For Men for sending me the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack.)

Item: Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from Details For Men
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Nice tins. Variety is the spice of life. Classical Peppermint was the best. Mojito Mint was good. Night Light mint was interesting.
Cons: Not strong mints, like Altoids. Sugar Free Tibet. Oral Fixation Mints logo is creepy and looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Mask.

Oh, Peppermint Altoids!

Your curiously strong powers have thwarted my plans for world domination time and time again. How can I continue to scare away pretty women, make babies cry and make salespeople regret approaching me with you constantly freshening my breath with your curiously strong minty powers?

I have attempted to increase my super stench powers to match your powers by not brushing my teeth, not flossing, not showering, not using deodorant, not changing my socks, and even not wiping, but my power-increasing experiments on myself have proved too much for even my dull nose to handle.

But recently, I have come across a compound that has the ability to weaken your curiously strong minty powers and turn you into a mere mint, like your weakling friends Tic Tacs and Certs. It is the kryptonite that will bring your doom, as well as the world’s. Muahaha. Muahaha.

This compound is dark chocolate.

Don’t you find it ironic that dark chocolate with its healthy flavonoid antioxidants also has the ability to cause harm to your curiously strong super powers, Altoids? Muahaha. Muahaha.

Don’t you also find it interesting that the word “dark” is in dark chocolate? Because when you’re defeated, the world will be a dark place when I rule it with my bad breath. Muahaha. Muahaha.

Oh, I can imagine it now. I can eat onions, garlic and a variety of fermented foods and go up to a person and talk to them using a lot of words with the letter “o” in them and verbally stress every single one: OOOOH, DOOOO YOOOOU KNOOOOW, HOOOOW TOOOO GOOOO TOOOO TOOOOLEDOOOO OOOOHIOOOO?

I could harm hundreds of people with that phrase alone.

Not even your curiously strong Super Friends, Cinnamon Altoids and Ginger Altoids, can stop me from polluting the air with my bad breath and making it very uncomfortable to sit next to me on a crowded bus or in coach class on an airplane. Muahaha. Muahaha.

So try and stop me, Peppermint Altoids.

Oh, you’re facing me head on with Cinnamon Altoids and Ginger Altoids? You’ve got balls, Peppermint Altoids, just like your Peanuts cartoon strip character namesake Peppermint Patty has. But I’ve got dark chocolate and I’m going to use it to weaken all of your curiously strong powers.

So how does it feel to be covered it dark chocolate in my mouth, my breath-freshening friends? Is it dark? It must be…dark. Oh, the dark chocolate is so delicious in so many ways, especially on you, Peppermint Altoids and Cinnamon Altoids. Muahaha. Muahaha.

(Seconds later)

W-w-what is going on? The dark chocolate is melting in my mouth.

NOOOOO!!!

Your curiously strong minty, cinnamony, and gingery powers have broken through my layer of dark chocolate, freshening my breath and making me powerless and non-pungent. Actually, except the Ginger Altoids, you’re kind of gross. I must flee!

You may have won this battle, Altoids. But you will not win the war. I’ll be back, and when I do, mark my words, you will regret it and smell it. Muahaha. Muahaha.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Marc at Hunter PR who sent samples to me a few weeks ago. Also, for more Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints reviews, go visit Candyblog and Candy Addict.)

Item: Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received free from Marc at Hunter PR
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Dark chocolate is good for you. Cinnamon and Peppermint versions were good. Once the chocolate melts away, Altoids can save the day with their curiously strong powers from bad breath bad guys.
Cons: Dark chocolate is temporarily bad for Altoids’ curiously strong minty powers. Chocolate melts away too fast. Ginger Altoids was my least favorite. Tic Tacs and Certs are weaklings. My thwarted plans for world domination. My breath without Altoids.

On behalf of all the monsters out there, I just want to thank Monster for finally making a mint specifically made for monsters. I’m sure all monsters, whether they be zombies, gargoyles, werewolves, vampires, Frankenstein, Cookie Monster, or supermodel Naomi Campbell, are finally happy to have a mint that we can call our own.

Oh, you didn’t know I was a monster?

I thought the hairy arms, hairy legs, and fangs gave me away, but I guess you thought I’m just a really hairy Asian guy.

In reality, I’m a werewolf. Don’t worry, I don’t go around mauling people…just homeless ones and those who come to my door to sell me something. I’d show you a video I have of me walking around topless, but you would probably think that you’re either watching a National Geographic special or the Kitty Scratching Post Channel.

Also, the movie Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox, is loosely based about my life in high school, and no, I did not receive any royalties.

Each of the roughly dime-sized minty High Intensity Monster Mints are just as curiously strong as any of the Altoids mints I’ve had and their texture is smooth, unlike the chalky Altoids. That minty breath freshening goodness is perfect to help cover up bad breath after we monsters eat things like onions, human flesh, peanut butter, human blood, and garlic…oh wait, in the vampires case, definitely not garlic.

The sugar-free Monster Mints come in two flavors, the cinnamon-flavored Intensely Spicy and minty High Intensity, which don’t really sound like flavors at all, more like settings for a 25 cent vibrating bed in a sleazy motel room you can rent by the hour.

Despite its ability to help mask the dreaded blood breath, there’s a major problem with the High Intensity Monster Mints…its price.

At the Neiman-Marcus-like price of $5.99 per can for about fifty mints, I thought they would do something more than freshen my breath, like turn me into a normal human being or bring peace among monsters and human so that we may no longer need to fear torch-wielding mobs or silver bullets, both of which are truly the dreams of all monsters.

We monsters don’t want to hurt. We just want to be loved.

The High Intensity Monster Mints are about twice the price as other comparable mints and definitely out of the price range for those monsters whose jobs are to either terrorize villagers, eat the brains of living humans, suck the blood out of unsuspecting victims, or abuse assistants, because those don’t pay very well.

Cookie Monster is probably the only monster who can afford it, but as all monsters know, he’s a fuckin’ sellout. He wouldn’t be making the bank he’s making now if he continued to be what he originally was, the Cooking Monster, a master human flesh chef who was train in the culinary arts at the finest schools and was known for killing his own fresh ingredients.

Cookie Monster is like Larry the Cable Guy, they’re both fake. Cookie Monster may seem to have a limited vocabulary that consists of just “Me want cookie,” but he actually can speak FIVE languages, including Latin.

Who the fuck speaks Latin anymore?

Anyway, the High Intensity Monster Mints maybe strong enough for a monster, but made for those monsters with monster wallets.

I’m talking about you, Cookie Bitch!

Item: High Intensity Monster Mints
Price: $5.99
Purchased at: CompUSA
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sugar free. Strong mint. Good at masking blood and human flesh breath. Peace between humans and monsters. Being human.
Cons: Super damn expensive for mints. Flavor name sounds like a setting for a vibrating bed. That fuckin’ sellout Cookie Monster. Vampires and garlic. Being Naomi Campbell’s assistant.