Since I live on a tropical rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I don’t get the opportunity to face the extreme nipple-hardening weather many of you are experiencing or will be experiencing.

I’ve discovered one of the few ways my nipples can experience what your nipples are (or will be) going through is to wet my pointer fingers with my tongue after sucking on a popsicle and then using those fingers to rub my nipples in a circular motion until they’re stiff enough to poke an eye or make it look like there are two volcanoes sticking out of the hairy forest on my chest.

Because it’s extremely rare for me to experience temperatures well below 68 degrees for days, weeks or months at a time, I can’t imagine what it’s like to be standing in the checkout line in a warm grocery or convenience store and be reminded of the harsh, fripple-inducing weather outside by the chewing gum and mint flavors on the shelves next to the checkout counter.

These flavors include: Wintermint, Cool Rush, WinterFresh, Polar Ice, Cool Mint, Winterfrost, Midnight Cool, Dragonfruit Freeze, Arctic Chill, Wintergreen, Lemon Ice, Crystal Frost and Shiver Mint. Brrrr. My nipples are a little stiff from just saying those names.

Another product that might depress someone before heading out into frigid weather is the new Ice Breakers Peppermint Frost Mints. Yup, it’s got the words “ice” and “frost” in its name, a word for each nipple.

While Altoids describes their mints as, “Curiously Strong,” Ice Breakers alliterates their Frost Mints as “Perfectly Powerful.” Each circular Frost Mint is roughly the size of my nipples and has the same “flavor crystals” found in Ice Breakers gum. However, those crystals are part of a chalky coating and once that coating melts away, all that’s left is a smooth meek mint.

Overall, they’re good peppermint-flavored mints and are “Perfectly Powerful” for those who can’t handle the minty burn of regular Altoids. I estimate the Frost Mints provide 75 percent of the minty power of Altoids, but that’s not enough for me. Because as someone who masochistically sticks several Altoids in my mouth at one time while simultaneously rubbing my nipples, that 75 percent doesn’t come close to satisfying my desire for painful minty pleasure.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 mint – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohols and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Ice Breakers Peppermint Frost Mints
Price: $2.19
Size: 1.2 ounces/Approx. 30 mints
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good peppermint-flavored mint. Sugar-free. Perfectly powerful for those who can’t tolerate the curiously strong Altoids. Putting the word nipple in every paragraph of this review. Minty pleasure.
Cons: Once outer coating melts away, minty flavor weakens. Uses some artificial flavor. Won’t satisfy those who enjoy the slightly painful sensation of Altoids. Fripple-inducing weather. Container is not as cool as an Altoids tin. Being reminded of the cold weather by chewing gums and mints.

Sorry for the lack of reviews this week. I’ve been in a generic NyQuil-induced haze for the past week. If you’ve read this week’s only review, you should know that NyQuil + review writing = most depressing review ever. Anyhoo, here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

You got your mozzarella sticks in my grilled cheese sandwich! You got your grilled cheese sandwich wrapped around my mozzarella sticks! Two great tastes that taste great together. And a pop culture reference that readers under age of 25 may not get. (via Junk Food Betty)

I didn’t think it was possible, but someone made a vampire movie that Twilight haters will hate more than Twilight. (via Pajiba)

I wonder why a mint would be labeled “professional.” I also wonder if sales of Count Chocula have gone up since this Twilight craze began. (via Sweets Blog)

There’s a loaf concoction called Yoga Bread. I guess I finally have something appropriate to eat whenever I’m lounging in my yoga leotard. (via Yum Yucky)

If wearing Ed Hardy clothes make one look like a douchebag on the outside, will eating Ed Hardy Coffee Rocks make one become a douchebag on the inside. Or for those who are already douchebags, does it make them douchebaggier? (via Caffeine-A-Holic)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

There’s a wired graph paper notebook with paper that makes the lines disappear when copied, scanned or faxed. Pff…I’d rather have a wired notebook that doesn’t irritate left-handed people, like me, with wires digging into my hands. (via Office Supply Geek)

The packaging Boxed Water comes in is supposedly better for the environment than bottled water. But boxed wine is still bad for people trying to not look cheap. (via BevReview)

Volcano box? I thought it was a review for Paris Hilton’s vagina. Thankfully, I was wrong. (via GrubGrade)

Red Bull now has an energy shot. I hope it give me wings or, at least, the ability to help me stay awake during…ZZZZZ. (via Energy Fiend)

Smaller Altoids don’t seem curiously strong, but they do look curiously cute. (via Candy Addict)

Product review goodness wrapped in an HTML shell.

Be prepared this holiday season with Christmas mints when you find yourself under a mistletoe or when you trick someone into standing under a mistletoe. (via Candyblog)

The maker of such movies as Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Superhero Movie should make a movie called Carrey Movie, which would be a spoof of all of Jim Carrey’s movies. I think that would be the only movie that ends with the word “movie” I would pay to see and then walked out of because it’s so horrible. (via Pajiba)

Ugh. Frozen burritos. (Cue the flashbacks from college after failed attempts at cooking and the time when I didn’t separate the Costco ground beef into individual pounds and ended up with a six pound block of frozen ground beef.) (via Freezer Burns)

If someone tried to replace my Rice Krispies Treats with a brown rice version, that brown better be there because of chocolate. (via Snackerrific)

I’m probably ruining the wholesomeness of Disney by saying this, but doesn’t the picture on the box of this Disney cereal look like Tigger is getting a little intimate with Winnie the Pooh? I’ve seen enough porn to know that back massages eventually leads to bow-chica-bow-bow. (via iateapie.net)

I never thought a company would make a product specifically for vain douchebags, but the Spearmint Pure Mints with its included mirror under the lid seems like it’s perfect for those who like fresh breath and enjoy looking at themselves in the mirror while admiring their perceived awesomeness.

(Editor’s Note: These Pure Mints are not related in anyway with Meltzer’s Puremints.)

If you drive a Porsche convertible with the license plate that says MYRIDE, you are a douchebag and these mints might be perfect for you. If you go around in the middle of the night and blast rap music from your tricked out 1985 Toyota Tercel hatchback from some shitty rapper who only raps about how awesome he is, you are a douchebag and these mints might be meant for you. If your name starts with an S and ends with a pencer Pratt or starts with an H and ends with eidi Montag and you charge thousands of dollars to show up at some club, you are a douchebag and I hope you choke on these mints.

There really isn’t anything special about the Spearmint Pure Mints themselves. Each mint is quite small, which is something I don’t like because I feel that I need to take more than one to freshen my breath. To give you an idea of how small they are, it would take three or four of them to equal the mass of one curiously-strong Altoid. I also didn’t like how minty they were. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a slap to the face and 1 being a tickling of my beard, these mints were a 5.

The only thing the Spearmint Pure Mints have going for themselves is the mirror under the mint tin’s lid. Unfortunately, the mirror is small, so if you’re a really big douchebag, you won’t be able to see much in it since your ego is probably taking most of the space. Even at arms length, I couldn’t see my entire face. It’s so ineffective that it probably won’t do you any good if you’re doing something practical like trying to put on makeup or signaling someone using Morse code. I think the mirror is only good for looking to see if you have something in between your teeth or a booger hanging out of your nose.

Besides douchebags, I’m not sure if the Spearmint Pure Mints would be appropriate for others. The one thing I know for sure is that if you’re a douchebag wanting to cover the stank of douchebagness, these mints won’t do it, because a douchebag with fresh breath is still a douchebag.

Item: Spearmint Pure Mints
Price: $1.48
Size: 0.28 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: There’s a mutha fuckin’ mirror inside. Mints were average. Sugar-free.
Cons: Mints are small. Mirror is really small for big douchebags. Not curiously-strong. Meant for douchebags. Douchebag vanity license plates. Douchebag rap lyrics.

I know what you’re thinking.

With the word “oral” in the name of today’s review subject, the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack, you’re probably wondering how many oral sex references will be in this review.

I thought about taking the blowjob approach, but realized going down on that long hard road would be an obvious twist for those of you who are regular Impulsive Buy reader. I wanted to wrap my head around quality, rock hard writing, instead of the usual crass and juvenile reviews I write.

But I also thought the idea would be fun to play with. This caused my head to go back and forth between taking the long hard road or not taking it. I also thought if I should swallow my pride, write the review, and see what people think or if I should spit out the idea.

In the end, I wiped my mouth clean of the oral sex idea and decided to do a classy review of these mints, which would involve me sucking on mints, taking it all in my mouth, and doing it repeatedly until I came to a happy ending.

Besides wondering about how many blowjob references would be in this review, I’m sure all of you have non-sexual questions about the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack. So I posed myself several questions that someone would probably ask about these mints. Whether they be long or short questions, I’ll satisfy them all.

Question: What are the six flavors in the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack and which mints did you like sucking on the most and least?

Answer: The six flavors are 7 Deadly Cinnamon, Mojito Mint (Lime Mine Cocktail), Night Light (Caffeinated Chai Mint), Sugar Free Tibet (Sugarless Wintergreens), Classical Peppermint, and Spare Mint. The mint I enjoyed sucking on the most was the Classical Peppermint, because I’ve sucked on a lot of mints over the years and every peppermint has always tasted good in my mouth. My least favorite was the Sugar Free Tibet mint because it tasted like I was sucking on a Fun Dip stick without the flavored sugar.

Question: I’m a smoker and I love to eat things with onions. My co-workers don’t like to be around me after my smoke break or lunch. Will these mints help with my breath?

Answer: If you’ve gone down are a few hot dogs loaded with onion and sauerkraut, I don’t think any of these mints have the power to mask what you just swallowed. None of the smooth mints in the Oral Fixation Variety 6-Pack come close to the punch that Altoids have. Even sticking more than one mint in your mouth won’t help.

Question: I don’t know if you watched Rush Hour 2, but remember that scene when they go to the massage parlor to find Ricky Tan and they’re allowed to choose among a plethora of hot Asian women. Is having to choose between the six mint flavors anything close to that?

Answer: Wow! That was a long question. Give me a moment to take it all in. A little bit more. I’m almost there. Okay, it’s all in. I have seen Rush Hour 2 and I think the scene when they had to choose among a plethora of hot Asian women is similar to picking which mints to suck on. Just like there were really exotic-looking women in that scene, there were also really exotic tasting mints. The Mojito Mint and Night Light mints were intriguing since they were unusual flavors for mints. The Mojito Mint had a good lime flavor and it was probably my second favorite mint from the bunch. The Night Light mints were caffeinated, but I don’t think there was enough to raise me to attention.

Question: Do you think the Oral Fixation logo on the tin looks frickin’ scary and it also looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers mask?

Answer: Dude, it totally looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers mask! Also, the embossed logo on each of the tins seems kind of creepy to me. When I look at it, I’m afraid the logo will pop out and stab me in an eye. Or they’ll melt off and form a pool of liquid metal, which will turn into a female cyborg hellbent on assassinating John Connor. It also looks like a female praying mantis about to eat her mate right after getting it on with each other. If I was sucking on a fattie, that logo would totally blow my mind.

Question: Did you try all six flavors at one time?

Question: I did stick all six mints in my mouth, and let me tell you, it was hard because it’s been awhile since I’ve had six mints in my mouth. I thought I’d spit some out, but I kept all of them in my mouth.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Dennis from Details For Men for sending me the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack.)

Item: Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from Details For Men
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Nice tins. Variety is the spice of life. Classical Peppermint was the best. Mojito Mint was good. Night Light mint was interesting.
Cons: Not strong mints, like Altoids. Sugar Free Tibet. Oral Fixation Mints logo is creepy and looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Mask.