Oh, Peppermint Altoids!

Your curiously strong powers have thwarted my plans for world domination time and time again. How can I continue to scare away pretty women, make babies cry and make salespeople regret approaching me with you constantly freshening my breath with your curiously strong minty powers?

I have attempted to increase my super stench powers to match your powers by not brushing my teeth, not flossing, not showering, not using deodorant, not changing my socks, and even not wiping, but my power-increasing experiments on myself have proved too much for even my dull nose to handle.

But recently, I have come across a compound that has the ability to weaken your curiously strong minty powers and turn you into a mere mint, like your weakling friends Tic Tacs and Certs. It is the kryptonite that will bring your doom, as well as the world’s. Muahaha. Muahaha.

This compound is dark chocolate.

Don’t you find it ironic that dark chocolate with its healthy flavonoid antioxidants also has the ability to cause harm to your curiously strong super powers, Altoids? Muahaha. Muahaha.

Don’t you also find it interesting that the word “dark” is in dark chocolate? Because when you’re defeated, the world will be a dark place when I rule it with my bad breath. Muahaha. Muahaha.

Oh, I can imagine it now. I can eat onions, garlic and a variety of fermented foods and go up to a person and talk to them using a lot of words with the letter “o” in them and verbally stress every single one: OOOOH, DOOOO YOOOOU KNOOOOW, HOOOOW TOOOO GOOOO TOOOO TOOOOLEDOOOO OOOOHIOOOO?

I could harm hundreds of people with that phrase alone.

Not even your curiously strong Super Friends, Cinnamon Altoids and Ginger Altoids, can stop me from polluting the air with my bad breath and making it very uncomfortable to sit next to me on a crowded bus or in coach class on an airplane. Muahaha. Muahaha.

So try and stop me, Peppermint Altoids.

Oh, you’re facing me head on with Cinnamon Altoids and Ginger Altoids? You’ve got balls, Peppermint Altoids, just like your Peanuts cartoon strip character namesake Peppermint Patty has. But I’ve got dark chocolate and I’m going to use it to weaken all of your curiously strong powers.

So how does it feel to be covered it dark chocolate in my mouth, my breath-freshening friends? Is it dark? It must be…dark. Oh, the dark chocolate is so delicious in so many ways, especially on you, Peppermint Altoids and Cinnamon Altoids. Muahaha. Muahaha.

(Seconds later)

W-w-what is going on? The dark chocolate is melting in my mouth.

NOOOOO!!!

Your curiously strong minty, cinnamony, and gingery powers have broken through my layer of dark chocolate, freshening my breath and making me powerless and non-pungent. Actually, except the Ginger Altoids, you’re kind of gross. I must flee!

You may have won this battle, Altoids. But you will not win the war. I’ll be back, and when I do, mark my words, you will regret it and smell it. Muahaha. Muahaha.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Marc at Hunter PR who sent samples to me a few weeks ago. Also, for more Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints reviews, go visit Candyblog and Candy Addict.)

Item: Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received free from Marc at Hunter PR
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Dark chocolate is good for you. Cinnamon and Peppermint versions were good. Once the chocolate melts away, Altoids can save the day with their curiously strong powers from bad breath bad guys.
Cons: Dark chocolate is temporarily bad for Altoids’ curiously strong minty powers. Chocolate melts away too fast. Ginger Altoids was my least favorite. Tic Tacs and Certs are weaklings. My thwarted plans for world domination. My breath without Altoids.

On behalf of all the monsters out there, I just want to thank Monster for finally making a mint specifically made for monsters. I’m sure all monsters, whether they be zombies, gargoyles, werewolves, vampires, Frankenstein, Cookie Monster, or supermodel Naomi Campbell, are finally happy to have a mint that we can call our own.

Oh, you didn’t know I was a monster?

I thought the hairy arms, hairy legs, and fangs gave me away, but I guess you thought I’m just a really hairy Asian guy.

In reality, I’m a werewolf. Don’t worry, I don’t go around mauling people…just homeless ones and those who come to my door to sell me something. I’d show you a video I have of me walking around topless, but you would probably think that you’re either watching a National Geographic special or the Kitty Scratching Post Channel.

Also, the movie Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox, is loosely based about my life in high school, and no, I did not receive any royalties.

Each of the roughly dime-sized minty High Intensity Monster Mints are just as curiously strong as any of the Altoids mints I’ve had and their texture is smooth, unlike the chalky Altoids. That minty breath freshening goodness is perfect to help cover up bad breath after we monsters eat things like onions, human flesh, peanut butter, human blood, and garlic…oh wait, in the vampires case, definitely not garlic.

The sugar-free Monster Mints come in two flavors, the cinnamon-flavored Intensely Spicy and minty High Intensity, which don’t really sound like flavors at all, more like settings for a 25 cent vibrating bed in a sleazy motel room you can rent by the hour.

Despite its ability to help mask the dreaded blood breath, there’s a major problem with the High Intensity Monster Mints…its price.

At the Neiman-Marcus-like price of $5.99 per can for about fifty mints, I thought they would do something more than freshen my breath, like turn me into a normal human being or bring peace among monsters and human so that we may no longer need to fear torch-wielding mobs or silver bullets, both of which are truly the dreams of all monsters.

We monsters don’t want to hurt. We just want to be loved.

The High Intensity Monster Mints are about twice the price as other comparable mints and definitely out of the price range for those monsters whose jobs are to either terrorize villagers, eat the brains of living humans, suck the blood out of unsuspecting victims, or abuse assistants, because those don’t pay very well.

Cookie Monster is probably the only monster who can afford it, but as all monsters know, he’s a fuckin’ sellout. He wouldn’t be making the bank he’s making now if he continued to be what he originally was, the Cooking Monster, a master human flesh chef who was train in the culinary arts at the finest schools and was known for killing his own fresh ingredients.

Cookie Monster is like Larry the Cable Guy, they’re both fake. Cookie Monster may seem to have a limited vocabulary that consists of just “Me want cookie,” but he actually can speak FIVE languages, including Latin.

Who the fuck speaks Latin anymore?

Anyway, the High Intensity Monster Mints maybe strong enough for a monster, but made for those monsters with monster wallets.

I’m talking about you, Cookie Bitch!

Item: High Intensity Monster Mints
Price: $5.99
Purchased at: CompUSA
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sugar free. Strong mint. Good at masking blood and human flesh breath. Peace between humans and monsters. Being human.
Cons: Super damn expensive for mints. Flavor name sounds like a setting for a vibrating bed. That fuckin’ sellout Cookie Monster. Vampires and garlic. Being Naomi Campbell’s assistant.

Erin, a loyal Impulsive Buy reader / stalker / groupie, sent me an email asking if I was going to do a review on the Ice Breakers Liquid Ice. I told her that I would, but I wasn’t able to find any. I didn’t find it at the national grocery store chain or at the national convenience store chain I shop at. I emailed her back and told her about my dilemma.

She sent me another email and told me she would send some from Seattle.

Wow! Who would have thought running a quasi-review website would actually land me free stuff?

So the package with the Ice Breakers Liquid Ice came to The Impulsive Buy Laboratories the other day and the first thing I noticed was how small the Liquid Ice were. They were these tiny blue balls and when you suck on them, they eventually burst and all the liquid minty goodness comes out.

The problem with the blue balls is that if you suck on them it takes awhile for the goodness to come out and that can be damn frustrating. However, if you lightly bite the blue balls, things happen much quicker.

When the blue balls finally burst, it was pretty disappointing, despite all the pent up blue balls excitement I had. In my opinion, sucking on something else will get you better results, perhaps an Altoids or a breath strip.

You know how Altoids and breath strips seem to clear your nasal passages when you suck on them, I didn’t get this feeling with the Liquid Ice.

Also, the minty flavor from the Liquid Ice doesn’t seem to last very long in my mouth compared to its competitors.

Now some of you may be wondering, if the blue balls melt in your mouth, does it melt in your hand? Well I decided to figure that out with help from The Impulsive Buy Intern.

So I put two blue balls in the intern’s hand, so the intern could just hold them and get a feel for them. After a couple of minutes, nothing happened. I then told the intern to gently roll around the two blue balls with both hands. For a while nothing happened, so I told the intern to roll the blue balls a little faster and seconds later they burst, spraying its goodness into the intern’s hands and some on the intern’s blue lab coat.

I think the Ice Breakers Liquid Ice is a clever idea. It is definitely something different than the usual mints and breath strips. However, if you want fresh breath that lasts, mints and breath strips will do a much better job.

I guess the tiny blue balls left me a little frustrated.

Item: Ice Breakers Liquid Ice
Purchase Price: $1.77
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Compact packaging. Clever concept. Tiny blue balls.
Cons: Not much of a minty punch compared to mints and breath strips.