Hey, y’all. It’s your girl Britney Spears.

I bet y’all have been hearing some things about me in the media and I just want to say for the record that I did do those things, but I want to let y’all know that I’m trying to live a regular, normal life, y’all. I just want to live a regular life with my mom, dad, little sister, dogs, house, bodyguards, maids, butlers, dancers, publicist, and assistants.

Oh, and my two kids. I kind of forgot about them, since I don’t see them much anymore, y’all.

I-I-I just want to be a regular person, like y’all. I want to know what it’s like to have the wind blow across my skin. I want to know what it’s like to love and be loved…Wait a sec, those would make crackin’ lyrics for another album, y’all. I think I’m going to call this song, “I’m Not Yo Bitch No More.”

Yeaaaaa, I’m not yo bitch no more. What do I need you for? I’m not yo bitch noooooo mooore.

Damn, y’all. I need to get into a studio and record that.

Anyway, because I want to be a regular person, I’ve been trying to eat alot of fiber because I heard eating it will make you regular. But it’s been hard trying to eat alot of fiber because In-N-Out Burgers and martini olives have almost no fiber. So here I am drinking this Berry Burst Metamucil. I tried the orange one first because I thought it was going to taste like Tang, but it didn’t. So I switched over to the berry one because it comes in pink, y’all.

It tastes kind of good. It’s got a flavor and texture like non-hardened Strawberry Jello not mixed well. Just like the pictures of my cooch on the internet, it’s a little grainy. Also, you have to drink it quickly or else it turns into sludge. It taste much better than the orange kind, but most importantly with every drink, I’m getting closer to being regular, y’all.

Actually, I’ve been drinking it for a while now and I’m beginning to feel the effects, y’all. Ever since I started I haven’t shaved off all my hair, I didn’t attack any paps with an umbrella, I haven’t been to rehab, and I didn’t marry some random dude off the street. The paps still take pictures of my cooch, but that can’t be helped. I’ve also been crapping alot for some reason and I dropped my new single, “Gimme More.”

(Supplement Facts - 1 rounded tsp - 20 calories, 5 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of soluble fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 0.8 milligrams of iron, 5 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, and 100 grams of pooptasticness)

Item: Berry Burst Metamucil
Price: $11.14 (23.3 ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes kind of like non-hardened Strawberry Jello. Sugar free. May help lower cholesterol. Better tasting than the orange version. Helps with pooping.
Cons: Fiber from food is much better. Has texture of non-hardened Strawberry Jello. Y’all. Gimme More.

I am a bit wary of buying things that I haven’t seen any advertising for. I tend to feel that the product has something to hide. I don’t know if it’s a nasty side effect, a lack of extreme attitude, or a criminal record, but I am always a bit hesitant. Generally, I never know if I should buy something unless a kid is skateboarding with it or a hot chick is deepthroating it in an ad. These are the things that I think about as I go shopping.

I made an exception with the IceBreakers Ice Cubes because of its novelty factor. This isn’t IceBreakers’s first foray into the world of gimmicky products, so they should know what they’re doing. Anyone remember Liquid Ice and how stupid those commercials with the Duff sisters made you feel? Now that they’re out of the equation, no longer will you question whether it’s liquid, it’s ice, or if anyone gives a damn about your inane queries. It’s all been settled, and ice has apparently won the battle.

IceBreakers Ice Cubes also appealed to me because breaking the ice in a social situation has never really been my cup of tea. This is a big problem in all of the facets of my life. Take philosophy class for example: “According to the rules of Fight Club, isn’t this sentence paradoxical?”

Or pickup basketball games: “Dude, can’t you toss it in? Your balls keep dangling around the rim!”

And especially first dates: “I’ll be honest, one of my guilty pleasures is getting naked in front of a mirror and loudly singing the Pokemon theme song as I gyrate and let ‘em bounce around.”

So I was hoping that these particular IceBreakers would break the streak of bad ones. As I opened the small box, I was immediately hit with the headache-inducing fragrance of fake mint and xylitol. It was not a promising start.

Xylitol is apparently an alternative to sugar that’s supposed to have a natural cooling effect on your tongue. It can also cause nausea and act as a laxative in high enough doses, but the same could be said about almost anything I eat. I’m not going to hold that against it. However, I can’t excuse the fact that it’s a pretty horrible sugar substitute.

Like all of my other icebreakers, these particular cubes failed rather miserably in providing any type of freshness. Not only are they sickeningly sweet, but they have a grainy and unpleasant texture to start. Any cooling effect you’re supposed to get is completely masked. Worst of all, I didn’t even win the damn Singtone contest that I had banked my future on. How will I survive college if people can’t hear my rendition of Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” every time my phone rings?

Overall, the only thing these cubes have going for them is their convenient shape. Now I can see why there are not seen suggestively licked on billboards. If you are the type of person who enjoys munching on sugar cubes and would like to replicate the experience in gum form, then this is the treat for you. For everyone else, the money spent purchasing these supposed “ice cubes” would be better served going towards some real ice cubes and crushed mint.

Admittedly, that would only lead you to heavy drinking after you figure out that you’re halfway towards a mojito, but I can hardly be blamed for your alcoholism.

Item: Icebreakers Ice Cubes
Price: 79 cents
Purchased at: Circle K
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Extremely convenient shape and packaging. Decent enough after initial grainy stage of chew. Possibility of winning a Singtone. The original Pokemon theme song.
Cons: My icebreakers. Way too sweet and grainy. High possibility of not winning a Singtone and the ensuing disappointment. Letting creation of your own mint ice cubes lead you down path of alcoholism.

Right now, I want you to close your eyes and imagine me washing my body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Do you like what you’re picturing in your mind?

If you’re having a hard time thinking of what my lathered up bod looks like, let me help you out.

My chest is like Kate Moss’, except I have slightly bigger boobs than she does and a lot more hair. Growl! Like wooden chopsticks at a sushi bar, my arms are skinny, pale, and can only lift things by using both of them at the same time, unless I stab stuff with one arm. My gut could be a six-pack if I sucked it in hard enough, but I don’t, so instead it looks like a mini-keg. If you’ve seen rap video hoochies, you know what my booty looks like, except extremely pale. My legs are like a fine thoroughbred racing horse’s, only in furriness, not in shape or muscle definition. Finally, at certain angles my head kind of looks like John Cho’s from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle.

Now wrap all of that together, and put some soap suds over it, and you can imagine me cleaning my wet naked body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Can you visualize it? Can you see my glistening physique? Oooh, do you like what you see? Do you like what you smell?

Well I don’t like what I smell, because the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist makes me smell like lemon Pledge wood spray.

The only times I should smell like lemon Pledge is if I’m getting it on with a hot cleaning maid who speaks very little English on a freshly-cleaned dining table or being sprayed in the face with lemon Pledge by a hot cleaning maid after using the pick up line, “I’ve got something else that’s hard and wooden that needs some cleaning…and lovin’.”

I don’t know if the Iced Tea Twist combined with my au naturel body odor causes some kind of chemical reaction to make it smell like lemon Pledge, but it disappoints me because in the bottle the Iced Tea Twist actually smells like the iced tea I make with the sweetened Nestea iced tea powder mix. It smells good enough that if I wanted to put a Jackass-type of video up on YouTube and the bottle didn’t specifically say, “CAUTION: FOR ADULT EXTERNAL USE ONLY,” I would totally mix it with some chilled filtered water, drink it, then call the National Capital Poison Center at 1-800-222-1222 and hope I don’t die.

The lemon Pledge smell is definitely a turn off, but the metallic brown color of the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist is pretty and I would probably use it if I decide to pimp my 2003 Toyota Corolla and turn it into a rice racer. Finally, Iced Tea Twist is like RuPaul, because they are both 3-in-1. While the Iced Tea Twist is a body wash, bubble bath and shampoo, RuPaul is a woman, a man and FABULOUS.

So if you enjoy smelling like lemon Pledge, and I’m pretty sure one percent of you do, the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist is the next best thing behind using lemon Pledge as an eau de toilette. For the other 99 percent of you, I would recommend avoiding it, because it’s not appealing at all, just like imagining me lathering up my naked body.

(Editor’s Note: Since I won’t be using the rest of the bottle, I’m giving it away. Although, it’s been next to my naked body and I have cooties, so I think I might have a hard time getting rid of it. However, if you’re interested in receiving the rest of the bottle of Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist and possibly getting cooties, just leave a comment with this review with the words “I want to smell like lemon Pledge” and I’ll have a drawing for it. The drawing is open to everyone and entries will be accepted until Sunday, July 15, 2007.)

Item: Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist
Price: $6.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Smells like sweetened Nestea iced tea in the bottle. Cool metallic brown color. Body wash, bubble bath and shampoo. Hot cleaning maids.
Cons: Smells like lemon Pledge on my body. For external use only. Visualizing me washing my naked body with the Bath & Body Works Temptations Iced Tea Twist. Having bigger boobs than Kate Moss.

When a PR firm sent me the Wrigley’s 5 Gum to review, I found out how much gum was too much gum. Thirty packs of it is definitely more gum than I can handle.

If I had an oral fixation, halitosis or wanted to work on my gum sculpting skillz, the three boxes of gum they sent me would’ve lasted me about three weeks. Sure, I could pass the gum to the homeless panhandlers that hangout at the 7-Eleven down the street, but that gum won’t help them buy booze.

Instead, I offer it to you TIB readers via a prize drawing. I’ve got 18 packs of gum left, six in each of the Wrigley’s 5 flavors: Rain (spearmint), Cobalt (peppermint), and Flare (cinnamon). So 18 lucky random readers will each receive a pack of Wrigley’s 5 Gum.

To enter the Wrigley’s 5 Gum prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the Wrigley’s 5 flavor you want and whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, it will be taken care of.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, June 26, 2007 and stop accepting entries on Wednesday, July 4, 2007 (11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to ALL Impulsive Buy readers.

Sometime after July 4th I’ll randomly select the 18 winners.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to sign up for gay porn. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about speed dating events in your area. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or you joining Scientology.

The new Wrigley’s 5 gum is being marketed to teens, young adults and anyone else who looks like they belong in the audience for MTV’s TRL.

I’m sure Wrigley’s is hoping that this new sugar-free gum becomes a trend among this valuable age demographic, but I don’t think their public relations people, who sent me three boxes of Wrigley’s 5 gum to review, realized that sending me those samples will probably kill any chance of it becoming popular, because I’m the Grim Reaper when it comes to trends. When I use or do something that’s considered trendy, popular or cool, I unintentionally kill it with my scythe of uncoolness.

It’s like when William Hung sings a song, he ruins it forever. I can’t dance to the Ricky Martin song “She Bangs” anymore because of him.

Speaking of dancing, I have stopped the popularity of so many dance moves that I am not allowed to be on or around a dance floor. I killed the Macarena, The Bangles “Walk Like An Egyptian” dance, Riverdancing, the Electric Slide and whatever that dance Flavor Flav does in Public Enemy music videos.

There was supposed to be a third Breakin’ breakdancing movie called Breakin’ 3: Pop and Lock With Me, but that was cancelled thanks to me and my attempts to do the Worm.

Sure, trends aren’t meant to last forever, but I have the ability to give them an earlier death than the trend hoped for, which helps ensure them a place in a future VH1 retrospective special. You’d think someone out there would thank me for this curse, especially those who used to wear fanny packs or clothing that came in neon fluorescent colors and those who drank Zima, but I haven’t gotten a thank you card or an A&E Biography about me.

So by chewing the Wrigley’s 5 gum I’ve already made it uncool, much like how I killed the phrase, “Fo’ shizzle, ma nizzle” and ruined the Rachel hairstyle made popular by Jennifer Aniston during her Friends days. I probably even ruined the product’s marketing slogan, “5 is the new black,” even though I’m not quite sure what it means. To be honest, its name sounds like something very random that was either pulled out of a hat or pointed to on a refrigerator with a magnetic poetry kit by someone who was blindfolded or an extremely inebriated Britney Spears.

Each pack of Wrigley’s 5 gum has 15 sticks and there are only three flavors: Cobalt, Rain and Flare, which is “cool speak” for peppermint, spearmint and cinnamon, and is now no longer cool because I mentioned it. Its slim, black packaging looks trendy and fits well in the front pocket of my jeans, but because I think it’s trendy, it’s no longer trendy.

If you’ve had any spearmint, peppermint or cinnamon gum from Wrigley’s, you probably won’t notice much of a difference with the Wrigley’s 5. It’s like listening to the Nickelback songs “How You Remind Me” and “Someday.” The intensity of each flavor isn’t as strong as their regular Wrigley’s counterparts, but each stick lasted surprisingly long, like a piece of Extra gum.

Overall, Wrigley’s 5 gum is good, but doesn’t seem like it’s anything innovative.

Although, all of that doesn’t really matter since I already killed any chance of it being popular by chewing it. It’s much like how I stopped the spread of Converse Chuck Taylor All-Star shoes, Starter jackets, the 7-Up “Up Yours” green t-shirts, Slap bracelets, acid washed jeans, Where’s Waldo? books, Members Only jackets, and Techno music.

(Editor’s Note: Brian at the Candy Addict also received free samples of Wrigley’s 5 gum. You can read his review here.)

Item: Wrigley’s 5 Gum
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from nice people at a PR firm
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: If you like other peppermint, spearmint or cinnamon gum from Wrigley’s, you’ll probably like these. 15 sticks of gum. Nice packaging and its slim shape makes it easier to slip in my jeans front pocket. Long lasting flavor. Stopping the popularity of fanny packs, bright florescent clothes and Zima.
Cons: Not anything innovative. Product name seems kind of random. My ability to kill trends. No A&E Biography about me. Acid washed jeans. An extremely inebriated Britney Spears, because you might end up married to her.

Oh, Sir Mix-A-Lot, I now feel your pain and truly understand when you said, “I’m tired of magazines, sayin’ flat butts are the thing. Take the average black man and ask him that, she gotta pack much back.”

The new Method Bloq line lacks the most noticeable attribute about Method cleaning products — their juicy, sexy curves. It’s the main reasons why I’m a Method fanboy and why when I hold one of those curvy Method bottles I feel a lot less lonely.

Being the semi-treehugger that I am, I also like Method cleaning products because they’re biodegradable, use recyclable packaging, and aren’t tested on animals.

I’m happy the Method Bloq line of body washes, bars of soap, body lotion, and shaving cream continues the Method tradition of being environmentally friendly, but disappointed that it breaks away from the stereotypical Method packaging by being flat like a table or anorexic, drug-addicted supermodel whose name starts with “K” and ends with “Ate Moss.”

Each product in the Bloq line comes in a variety of scents and prices range from $6 to $8.

[Site:] Method

Yo mama is so skinny that when she walks into a Curves all the ladies give her a look that says, “What the fuck you doin’ in here skinny bitch?!?”

Ever since I’ve started using Smart Mouth mouthwash, my ability to produce quality Yo Mama snaps has significantly gone down. You would think with a name like Smart Mouth it would actually improve my Yo Mama insults, but unfortunately that’s not the case.

Instead I’ve been spitting out Yo Mama compliments and I’ve been losing Yo Mama battles with friends, family, co-workers, and random little kids on the playground. How am I supposed to prove how bad ass I am when I’m coming up with lines like:

Yo mama is so beautiful that when she’s at a beach in her bikini all the creepy voyeuristic photographers there only pay attention to her.

This is not helping my street cred or my chances of getting on the MTV show Yo Mamma. I would stop using the Smart Mouth mouthwash to get my Yo Mama snaps quality back to normal, but it actually does a very good job of freshening breath with its “Clinically Proven Zinc Ion Technology.”

Maybe if I think really hard and put a constipated looked on my face to make me look like I’m thinking hard, I might just be able to come up with a decent Yo Mama insult.

Yo mama’s breath smells so good that I totally want to invade her personal space, marry her, and eventually adopt you.

Damn!

Smart Mouth works much like the chemical bomb in the movie “Die Hard with a Vengeance,” which involves two separate liquids that are pretty much harmless individually, but when mixed together they can do some damage.

Each box of Smart Mouth mouthwash contains two separate solution pump bottles and a mixing cup. According to the box, mix four pumps from each bottle of solution into the mixing cup. Then rinse vigorously with the mild, minty mixture for 30-60 seconds, gargle and spit out. Repeat every morning and night.

Of course, those 30-60 seconds do increase the time of my morning ritual.

The box also did say it contained a 15 day supply, but just like a Sting tantric sex romp, it surprisingly lasted longer than expected. The 8-ounce bottles provided enough solution for four weeks of me vigorously rinsing every morning and night. If it did only last 15 days, the $12.49 I spent on it wouldn’t have been worth it. Although, now that I think about it, it’s still kind of pricey for a four week supply, since a year’s worth will be about $150.

I guess I could go back to selling my body to pleasure middle-aged female Japanese tourists to pay for it, but that might take awhile, since I’m a very cheap male prostitute.

The Smart Mouth mouthwash did freshen my breath and make me feel more confident about myself. Smart Mouth also claims their mouthwash can help with morning breath and thanks to my hot hairstylist and an early morning appointment, I found out that it did help, but not completely, which slightly irritated my hot hairstylist, who did not expect me to come to my appointment without brushing my teeth.

Beside my inability to come up with Yo Mama insults, the Smart Mouth mouthwash temporarily made my mouth feel dry, but that’s probably the “Clinically Proven Zinc Ion Technology” doing its job. But perhaps it’s doing its job a little too well, affecting my Yo Mama abilities.

Yo mama is so young that every time she buys wine, the cashier has to card her, gets surprised by her age, and then asks her what’s her secret to looking so young.

Nope, that sucked!

Yo mama is so smart that after winning a million dollars on the game show Who Wants to be a Millionaire, she decided to get a master’s in business administration and go to law school at the same time.

Damn you, “Clinically Proven Zinc Ion Technology!”

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Domokun for letting me know about Smart Mouth last year. Thanks to Melissa for reminding me about Smart Mouth this year.)

Item: Smart Mouth Mouthwash
Price: $12.49
Purchased at: The-Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Helps freshen breath. Kind of helps with morning breath. Mixture is mild, since it’s alcohol-free. Bottles lasted significantly longer than what was said on the box.
Cons: Pricey. Possibly having to sell my body to pay for it. Caused me to lose my ability to come up with Yo Mama insults. Increases the length of my morning ritual. Hurts my street cred.