With all the women’s products I’ve been reviewing (and the other woman’s products I’ve been “testing”), it seems like I’ve forgotten about products specifically made for men. So today’s review on Jack Black Beard Lube will remedy that.

For those who don’t know, I grow facial hair significantly faster than it takes for a new reality show to pop up on television. I usually shave everyday, but sometimes I like to have fun with my fast growing facial hair.

For example, I’ll grow my beard out for about four months, part my hair, put on a pair of glasses, throw on a sweater vest, pretend I’m a Fullbright scholar, eat nothing but bread for a week, and after that week is over, I’ll comb my beard to see how many crumbs and other things it has collected.

Or sometimes I like to grow my goatee REALLY long, gently stroke it, and say in an evil tone, “Soon the whole world will be mine. Muahaha. Muahaha.”

Like I said before, I usually shave everyday, and for the past three weeks I’ve been using the Jack Black Beard Lube. It’s a combination of pre-shave oil, shaving cream, and skin conditioner, which is good because instead of three different containers for each product, you get one product that contains all three.

(Editor’s Note: No, it’s not Tenacious D’s Jack Black.)

The Jack Black Beard Lube isn’t like any other shaving cream or gel I’ve used. Perhaps the major difference is the fact that it doesn’t foam like regular shaving gels and creams.

The color of it is white, but it goes on clear, like you’re putting on a moisturizer or KY Jelly. This is handy if you want to be able to see where you’re shaving, but sucks when you want to use the foam to pretend you’re Santa Claus or Papa Smurf.

When I put the Jack Black Beard Lube on, there’s a slight tingling sensation on my face. This is caused by the eucalyptus and peppermint, which stimulates the skin. The eucalyptus can also attract slutty koalas.

It also contains Jojoba and Macadamia Nut Oil, which softens the beard, makes it easier to shave, and entices the slutty koalas to stroke your face.

But then again, they are slutty koalas so I guess they don’t need to be enticed to stroke anything.

Shaving with the Jack Black Beard Lube feels different than shaving with another gel or cream because of the lack of foam, but it did create a nice comfortable, lubricated shave. However, it didn’t give me the bikini-oil-wrestling-match-type of lubrication that I got with the Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream, which I reviewed at the beginning of the year.

However, despite not having the bikini-oil-wrestling-match-type of lubrication, the Jack Black Beard Lube did give me a better shave than the ones I’ve gotten from using my usual Edge shaving gel.

Buying six ounces of Jack Black Beard Lube will set you back $15.00, but if you want a close shave and want to attract slutty koalas this maybe the right product for you.

Item: Jack Black Beard Lube Conditioning Shave
Purchase Price: $15.00 (6 ounces)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Comfortable, close shave. It’s a pre-shave oil, shaving cream, and skin conditioner, all-in-one. No foaming means you can see what you’re shaving. Eucalyptus may attract slutty koalas.
Cons: Pricey. No foaming means no Papa Smurf. Eucalyptus may attract slutty koalas.

Here at the Impulsive Buy, I don’t review a lot of women’s products because I either lack the proper equipment, don’t know what shade would look good on me, I’m afraid of the words “cardboard applicator,” or I’m scared that I might find out I’m pregnant.

However, when Impulsive Buy reader Marit asked if I could review the Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer, I felt that this was one women’s product I could try.

What makes this moisturizer different from others is that it’s supposed to create a healthy, summer glow by just moisturizing daily. Now this scared me because I’ve heard the horror stories of sunless tanning lotions turning people orange and I didn’t want to relive the embarrassment of that time I went on a carrot diet for a week.

While doing internet research on the product, I found that the Jergens Natural Glow was a hard product to find, because it’s been so popular. However, when I went to the juggernaut superstore behemoth, they had a lot in stock. So I thought maybe it wasn’t as popular as people on the internets said it was.

Then I stepped outside of the store and realized perhaps the reason why there’s a lot of stock is because I live on a tropical rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that gets sunshine ninety percent of the time.

The Jergens Natural Glow comes in two version, one for fair (ghostly pale) skin tones and one for medium (just pale) skin tones. Being that I sit indoors in front of a computer all day, but occasionally go outside in the sun because I run on solar energy, I picked up the Jergens Natural Glow for medium skin tones.

On the tube it says that after a week of daily use the intensity of color will be reached. So for the past week, I’ve been putting it on in the morning and I’ve also been putting it on at night after I take a shower. I also decided to only put it on one leg because I thought the difference wouldn’t be too noticeable.

Well after a week of use, I’m walking around with one leg that’s darker and better looking than the other. The differences between my two legs are pretty dramatic. Take a look at the picture below. (Click picture for larger view.)

The leg on the left looks like one I would wanna ask out, while the leg on the right looks like one that got beaten with an ugly stick.

The leg on the left looks like it could become prom queen, while the leg on the right looks like it needs an old-fashioned stoning.

The leg on the left looks like it would be fun to cuddle with, while the leg on the right looks like one I would pick last for dodgeball.

The leg on the left looks like one I would want to take home to meet my parents, while the leg on the right looks like one I would want to keep locked up in the basement.

Finally, the leg on the left looks like moonwalking, jheri curl Michael Jackson, while the leg on the right looks like child-molesting, too much plastic surgery Michael Jackson.

(Editor’s Note: The beautiful women of DeLush reviewed this product a few months ago. Go check out their review here.)

Item: Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer
Purchase Price: $6.16
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Tans skin evenly and effectively. Easy to apply. Pleasant smell. No orange color. The leg on the left.
Cons: No sun protection. The leg on the right.

(Editor’s Note: Today’s product was requested by Impulsive Buy reader Seth, who twice had the urge to buy today’s product, but felt it would be better (and cheaper for him) if the Impulsive Buy tested it first. Enjoy.)

I would like to thank Listerine for increasing my time spent in the bathroom each morning.

Before it was manageable, but thanks to Listerine Whitening, I now have to get up a little earlier to be able to do all the things I need to do in the bathroom. Sure it’s only a minute more, but that minute spent asleep could mean making out or not making out with Martha Stewart in my dreams.

And nobody wants to be around me in the morning when I don’t get to make out with M. Diddy.

Anyway, I wish my mornings were as easy as it was in college, when taking a shot of Listerine and swishing it around for thirty seconds was all I needed to do to get ready in the morning.

Back in college, I could grow my beard out, I didn’t have to floss, I could shower every other day, and I didn’t have to trim nose hairs because they just blended in with my beard.

But now I’m an “adult” and I’m not homeless, so I have to do these things. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my college days, because my morning ritual has gotten ridiculous. Here’s what I have to do every morning:

Step 1: We can have lots of fun.

Step 2: There’s so much we can do.

Step 3: It’s just you and me…

Oh crap! Those are the lyrics from the New Kids on the Block song Step By Step.

Dammit! Let’s start over.

Step 1: Swish around Listerine Whitening - Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 2: Brush teeth - Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 3: Floss teeth - Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 4: Swish around regular Listerine - Time Spent: 30 seconds

Step 5: Scrape tongue with spoon - Time Spent: 5 seconds

Step 6: Wait for gagging caused by scraping tongue to stop - Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 7: Wash face - Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 8: Exfoliate face - Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 9: Practice in the mirror latest pick up line, “Hi, my name is Marvo, but my friends call me Curious George and I’m curious to see what’s under that dress.” - Time Spent: 20 seconds

Step 10: Trim nose hairs - Time Spent: 2 minutes

Step 11: Trim ear hairs - Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 12: Turn unibrow into two distinguishable eyebrows - Time Spent: 5 minutes

Step 13: Shave face - Time Spent: 7 minutes

Step 14: Shave balls - Time Spent: 5 minutes

Step 15: Give my handlebar mustache a Rollie Fingers twirl - Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 16: Put on hair gel and sculpt hair to desired look - Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 17: Trim and shape muttonchop sideburns - Time Spent: 2 minutes

Step 18: Trim nipple hair - Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 19: Clean belly button - Time Spent: 15 seconds

Step 20: Smell finger after cleaning belly button - Time Spent: 5 seconds

Step 21: Wait for gagging from smelling finger after cleaning belly button to stop - Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 22: Wash hands to get rid of belly button smell - Time Spent: 20 seconds

Step 23: Spray on cologne - Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 24: Put on deodorant - Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 25: Say three times in the mirror my daily affirmation, “I’m hot on the outside and cool on the inside. Yahtzee!” - Time Spent: 30 seconds

Total Time Spent: 38 minutes 45 seconds

As you can see, my mornings are crazy.

I’ve been thinking about taking steps out, like exfoliating my face and cleaning my belly button, but I also think I could take out swishing with Listerine Whitening because it doesn’t seem to be doing what it’s supposed to do.

The foam that’s created by swishing it around makes me think it’s doing something and even after I spit it out, it continues to foam in my mouth. But I think the only thing that foaming is good for is pretending to be a rabid dog.

After three weeks of use, I haven’t seen any difference in my teeth, and I’ve been using it with a “whitening” toothpaste.

Perhaps Listerine Whitening would be better for those who already have white teeth to maintain their teeth’s whiteness.

Well at least this is the only Listerine that doesn’t burn like you’re drinking Lucifer’s breast milk.

Item: Listerine Whitening
Purchase Price: $7.54
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: May help with maintaining whiteness. No typical Listerine burn. Kills germs that cause bad breath.
Cons: More expensive than regular Listerine. Doesn’t work with whitening my teeth. My excessive morning ritual. My unibrow.

To begin today’s review of the Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel, I’d like to tell all of you a little story, which goes something like this:

My head nodded like it was following the little red bouncing ball telling me which words to sing, as I followed the word “Chic” embroidered in yellow thread on the jeans that covered the ass of my fifth grade teacher, who was writing word problems on the chalkboard.

He looked at me and innocently smiled, not knowing his ass was blocking my view of the chalkboard and he was wearing women’s clothing.

I posted this story to prove that women are lucky.

If they wear a men’s jacket or sweater, other people won’t notice it’s a piece of men’s clothing and will say it looks nice on them. If men wear a woman’s jacket or sweater, other people will look at them weird and say he’s a crazy cross-dresser.

Also, it’s perfectly normal for women to use men’s shaving gel on their legs, but it seems odd for a man to use women’s shaving gel on their face, unless the guy happens to be quasi-product review blog editor doing some “testing.”

So I’ve decided to use women’s products, because I think this is slightly unfair.

Recently, my twin sister gave me a bottle of Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel to review.

This is a very feminine product for two reasons: Hello Kitty and glitter.

If you aren’t familiar with Hello Kitty, you can read more about it here. But to make a long story short, Hello Kitty is probably the most girly thing in the world. It’s produced by a Japanese company called Sanrio, which has a whole bunch of cute characters, like Hello Kitty.

Here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean there are Sanrio stores with wall-to-wall cute girly Sanrio stuff. Every time I walk into one of the Sanrio stores, three things happen: (1) I have to urge to give someone a hug. (2) I can feel testosterone being sucked out of me. (3) My testicles crawl up into my body.

As for glitter, it maybe great for Harajuku Girls, but it’s not good for guys or Mariah Carey’s acting resume.

The only ways I can imagine guys wearing glitter is if they were adding stars to dioramas, they just made out with a woman who was wearing glitter, or if they got so drunk that they drank a bottle of glitter thinking it was Goldschlager.

However, I put aside the unusualness of me wearing glitter and the fear of my balls crawling up into body to test the Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel during my daily running routine. Besides, if my balls to crawl up into me, I don’t have to worry about them being juggled around.

As I put the sunscreen on, it felt like I was putting on vegetable oil, because it was very greasy. Also, I noticed that the glitter wasn’t going on my body. Instead, almost all the glitter remained on my hands. I guess running around with glitter and shining it in the sun wasn’t meant to be.

While running, I could smell the sunscreen, which had a nice unmanly candy-like smell.

It may have had a nice scent, but its SPF 8 didn’t do a good job of protecting my face from sunburn, because later that night, while washing my face, I could feel the sunburn, which I don’t get with the usual SPF 30 sunscreen I use.

So remember boys and girls, eight is a good number for an orgy, but not so good for a sunscreen’s SPF.

(Editor’s Note: The story at the beginning was originally written for and posted at The Ass Chronicles.)

Item: Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by twin sister)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Smells good. Great for Harajuku Girls.
Cons: Most of the glitter stayed on my hands. Really greasy feel. Only SPF 8. My male fifth grade teacher wearing Chic Jeans.

My dentist once explained to me, “Toothbrushes are like hookers. Cheap ones will get the job done. The more expensive ones will have all their teeth and will also get the job done, except you have to pay a little bit more for some extra tricks.”

No, wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Oh, yeah. It was, “Toothbrushes are like cars. The cheap ones will get the job done and the more expensive ones will get the job done just as well.”

On second thought, I liked the hooker version better.

Anyway, I’ve been trying out the new Colgate 360 Toothbrush for the past couple of weeks. Being the cheap bastard that I am, I didn’t like the idea of spending over three dollars for ONE toothbrush, but there was something about the Colgate 360 Toothbrush that intrigued me.

That something was the built-in tongue cleaner, which seems like a typical marketing gimmick, like Valentine’s Day and the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship. However, some people with lab coats, clipboards, and the title “Dr.” in front of their names say that the buildup of bacteria on the tongue is one of the causes of bad breath.

They also say another cause of bad breath is salad tossing.

After using the tongue cleaner, I can’t really tell if it’s taking off anything, even though it feels like I’m rubbing Velcro on my tongue.

However, perhaps the reason why it’s not taking off anything is because the instructions on the Colgate website say I should brush my tongue for ten seconds, but when I brushed my tongue, I spent seven seconds of the time gagging.

I was totally disappointed in myself. I can deep throat a banana, but brushing my tongue makes me gag? I have learned NOTHING!

Usually if I want to clean my tongue, I take a spoon and scrape it, which I read about in some magazine. It works well because when I’m done scraping, I can actually see the crap I just took off and wonder if it’s the reason why women from Arab countries cover their faces when they’re around me.

Other features of the Colgate 360 Toothbrush include the several types and lengths of bristles, which are arranged very similar to crop circles made by UFOs.

There’s also comfortable gel padding in the middle of the toothbrush’s shaft, where most people hold their toothbrushes. Unfortunately, the gel padding is useless to me because I hold my toothbrushes like I hold my knives to cut those who mess with my hoes.

Overall, the Colgate 360 Toothbrush will get the job done as well as any other toothbrush. All the features, like the tongue cleaner and the gel padding are nice, but unnecessary because you can use a spoon to clean your tongue and I’ve never heard of anyone getting carpal tunnel syndrome from brushing their teeth.

For a person like me, who changes his toothbrush every three months, spending three bucks for a toothbrush can get semi-expensive over a year. So the Colgate 360 Toothbrush breaks my only rule when buying toothbrushes, “If it’s cheaper to buy a rock of crack than the toothbrush, the toothbrush is too expensive.”

Item: Colgate 360 Toothbrush
Purchase Price: $3.22
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Semi-useful tongue cleaner and gel padding. Crop circle bristles.
Cons: Overpriced, more expensive than a rock of crack. Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship. Brushing my tongue makes me gag. Messing with my hoes.

(Editor’s Note: Some of you have been saying there’s been a lack of sexual references in my reviews recently. So to make up for it, I’ve decided to review the new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, which I received from Impulsive Buy reader Robert, who just so happens to have Trojan as a client at the public relations firm he works at. Thanks Robert, for reminding me that I’m not getting any action. Just kidding. Actually, I’m not kidding. I’m crying right now. Enjoy.)

There are many things that suck about not having a girlfriend, like not being able to have sessions of sweet, sweet lovin’ that involve plastic sheets, strawberries, chocolate syrup, and paint brushes; making dinner for a woman and then hearing her say, “I’m not hungry, but I’m hungry for you”; not being able to showoff my strip tease videos; and not being able to try the latest condoms so I can review them.

However, with these new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms I had a tingling sensation, but not where you might think. I had a tingling sensation in my head, coming up with ways I could test it without actually paying needing a woman.

Being that the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms are made for those who want to be protected when “talking to the mic,” I realized that all I really need to do with this condom was see if it tasted any good. But how was I going to do this?

(Editor’s Note: Yes, you can use the condom for intercourse. Intercourse? That’s too sterile of a term for me. Yes, you can use the condom for the horizontal mambo. Nah, that’s too childish. Yes, you can use the condom for fucking. Perfect!)

I grabbed one of the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, ripped it open, and shoved it into my mouth, like a piece of gum.

It was the second time in my life that I shoved a condom into my mouth and chewed on it. Except this time I couldn’t win a bet for a dollar.

As I chewed it, I could taste and feel a minty gel, which tasted like a dull toothpaste. I don’t know if it was the minty gel or the fact that I was chewing on a latex condom, but I started to gag. I instantly took the condom out from my mouth, looked at its kind of cool minty green color, and then threw it away.

After that, the product reviewer in me didn’t feel fulfilled, because I felt I could do a better job of testing it.

Then I began thinking about those bastards at Consumer Reports and how they probably test condoms. I imagined they have a love lounge, with beds shaped like hearts, Barry White songs playing, bottles of chilled champagne, mirrors on the ceiling, and bowls of Viagra. It’s probably one wild gigantic orgy of lab testers.

The testers probably do it with their lab coats, goggles, and pocket protectors on and clipboards next to the heart-shaped beds, so they can write down whatever comments they have. They probably also video tape the whole thing so they can review the tape later, if they need more information.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t do what I imagined Consumer Reports does, but I knew I had to do something better than just chewing on a condom. Then it finally hit me, while making my strawberry/banana smoothie.

Armed with a Trojan Mint Tingle Condom, a banana, and my heterosexuality, I tried to recreate a real world situation.

I opened another condom and tried to roll it over the banana. Unfortunately, I put it on the wrong way, which didn’t allow me to roll the condom down the banana. Following the condom box’s instructions, I had to throw the condom away or else I would risk the chance of pregnancy.

I opening another condom, checked to see if I had it turned up the right way, and then rolled it over the banana, holding the tip to prevent air from getting trapped. When I was done, I had a well protected banana (see picture).

Then I put the condom covered banana into my mouth and made like a circus seal. (Yay! Obscure Clerks reference!)

At first, I was gagging a little, but soon I was a deep throating pro. As for the minty flavor, it’s not bad once you swallow the mint jelly, which was mostly at the tip. It’s definitely way better tasting than regular latex condoms.

The mint flavor isn’t that strong or plentiful, so don’t try going down on as many guys as you can to freshen your breath. Gum and mints are easier, and it’s less Paris Hilton-ish or Veronica Loughran-ish. (Yay! Another obscure Clerks reference!)

(Another Editor’s Note: Bah! I should’ve made this week, “Products That The Message Whore Has Already Reviewed Week.” Go read their review of the Trojan Mint Tingle condoms here.)

Item: Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms
Purchase Price: FREE (Retails for about $9)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Mint flavor is not bad tasting, definitely better than regular latex condoms. Funky mint green color.
Cons: My ability to put on condoms, I’m surprised I don’t have illegitimate children. Minty gel was kind of gross to swallow. My jealousy of the possible ways Consumer Reports tests condoms.

(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Four of Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy and today I’ll be focusing my attention on energy breath mints. Yes, energy breath mints, which look like smaller Vivarin, except without near illegal amounts of caffeine, withdrawals, and trembling of hands. Enjoy.)

Hey baby doll! How ya doin’?

Yo girl, why you backin’ up? I knows I’m smellin’ good cuz I gots my Tag Body Spray on. I put a spray here. Bam. Put a spray there. Bam. Put a spray down there. Bam. I knows you wanna jump me, like in the commercials. Don’t be shy.

Poser? So that’s how it is now, I’m a poser. Well I’m a poser that can rock your world.

Why you backin’ up some more, baby? I knows my breath don’t smell cuz I gots these X-It Strong Mints in my mouth. They’re powerful mints so they’re gonna make my mouth so minty fresh that you’re gonna wanna faint and let me give you some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Let me pop a few more mints in my mouth right now, cuz I gots wine cooler breath.

So whut if I likes wine coolers? They’re fruity and easy to drink, girl!

An’ you know whut? These mints gots guarana in them to help give me energy, just in case I gots to do it ALL NIGHT. Yeah, you know whut I’m sayin’.

Of course, one tiny mint ain’t gonna do it for this prize of a man. Maybe if I take five or ten mints and I’ll have enough energy to rock your world all night and all day, baby!

Whut you talkin’, girl? I don’t needs to take no Enzyte wit these mints. It’s just that my leather pants are too tight and it’s squashing my huge Johnson.

Another thang about these mints are that they’re sugarfree, so I don’t gots worry about messin’ up my pearly white grill wit cavities.

Yo, why you trippin’ on my braces? They’re comin’ out in a few weeks.

Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I should be hangin’ wit you, girl. Cuz you’re sugar sweet, baby! But on second thought, I wouldn’t mind gettin’ a few cavities cuz of you.

Try some of these mints, baby! If you like it, maybe later you can pop more in your mouth and then give some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to my friend Mr. Happy, cuz he’s getting squashed in my leather pants.

SLAP!!!

Aw girl, why’d you slap me for?

Where you goin’?

Damn!

Item: X-It Strong Mints with Guarana
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Strong mints. Clears nasal passages. Sugarfree. Guarana. Freshens breath.
Cons: Takes many mints for the guarana to have an effect. My ability to talk to women. Tight leather pants.

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Day Two of Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy. Today’s product, Lotte Black Black Gum, was suggested by hyper Impulsive Buy reader Wired. Black Black Gum comes to us from Japan, the land of Godzilla, violent game shows, and love hotels. Enjoy.)

Lotte Black Black Gum has been around for a long time.

How do I know this?

I know this because this Black Black Gum commercial starring Jean Claude Van Damme proves two things:

1. This commercial is old, because it’s been awhile since Jean Claude Van Damme had fame.

2. Even in Japanese commercials, Jean Claude Van Damme sucks as an actor.

What makes Black Black Gum unique is its charcoal color and the fact that it’s caffeinated, although I don’t know how much caffeine is in each stick.

But I think it’s safe to say that there’s not enough caffeine in it for me to go onto The Oprah Winfrey Show, jump on a couch, attack Oprah, and pretend I’m straight by saying I love Katie Holmes.

I guess it’s sort of like Nicorette gum, except it’s for those who like caffeine and think it’s silly to always wear a beer hat filled with either Red Bull or Starbucks.

Along with the caffeine, this gum contains a nice list of some of my favorite Chinese herbs and flowers, like Bai Ling, Gong Li, and Zhang Ziyi.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. That’s the list of my favorite sexy Chinese actresses.

Oolong tea, gingko, and chrysanthemum flower extracts are the favorite Chinese herbs and flowers found in Black Black Gum. These ingredients give the gum a nice minty flavor with a little bit of extra spice, which I think may make some people not enjoy it.

The mint flavor is initially very intense, like a powerful mint, but it quickly loses that intensity. It eventually loses all flavor in about 7 minutes, but I think people don’t chew on this gum for the flavor, they chew it for the sweet, sweet fix of stimulating caffeine.

Mmm…Caffeine. It’s the drug choice of geeks and quasi-product review blog editors everywhere.

(Editor’s Note: If you’d like to try Black Black Gum, you can purchase some via Think Geek or J-List.)

Item: Lotte Black Black Gum
Purchase Price: $2.00 (9 sticks per pack)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Nice minty taste. Caffeine. Helped me finish today’s review. Sweet caffeine. My list of sexy Chinese actresses. Sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Quickly loses minty intensity. Extra spice may make some people not like it. Jean Claude Van Damme’s acting abilities.

Impulsive Buy stalker, Amy in GA, requested that we do a few women’s products, particularly the Veet Rasera, which is a hair removal cream that comes with a plastic squeegee to help remove the hair.

Seeing that I didn’t have the proper equipment for tampons or the estrogen and ovaries for the Ortho Evra birth control patch, I decided to review the Veet Rasera.

Now I have hairy legs, which keep me warm at night, adds several seconds to my 200 meter breaststroke time, and makes my legs more humpable for dogs.

I had second thoughts about removing the hair on my legs because I have a lot of scars on them from my BMX bike jumping days.

Then I remembered a wise man once said, “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever,” and I decided to show off my scars.

Then I remembered it wasn’t a wise man, it was what Keanu Reeves said in the movie “The Replacements.”

Anyway, armed with the Veet Rasera, I walked into my bathroom and began the difficult task of mowing down the veritable forests on my legs.

The Veet has an obvious chemical smell, but it does smell better than the Nair products I smelled at the store. However, neither product tastes as good as or has a better name than the hair removal product, Nads.

When I applied the Veet to my legs and let it sit for three minutes, I didn’t feel any burning. However, later when I applied it to my chest, it stung pretty badly and left my chest red and irritated for the rest of the day.

After the three minutes were up, I used the Rasera Bladeless Tool (ie squeegee), to remove the hair from my legs. Overall, it got rid of the hair pretty well, although there were areas on my legs that still had hair. However, having patches of hair on my legs might’ve had to do with the fact that I’ve never shaved my legs before and I can’t see the back of my legs very well.

Too bad I’m not possessed, because as we all learned from Linda Blair, possessed people are able to turn their heads around 360 degrees. Oh yeah, and R2D2 too.

So I had hairless legs, but I think my skin was numb because I couldn’t feel the air coming out from my Vornado fan.

Anyway, having hairless legs made me feel more aerodynamic. It made me want to put a band aid on my legs and rip it off to know what it feels like to not have the band aid rip out a few legs hair. It allowed me to close my eyes, stroke my legs, and a pretend I was with a woman.

It also made me cold.

Without the insulation of my hairy legs, I believe my body dropped slightly in temperature, which caused me to get sick last week.

DAMN YOU, VEET! DAMN YOU!

But alas, just like most of Jennifer Lopez’s romantic relationships, I knew it couldn’t last forever. After one day, I could start to feel stubble on my legs. However, hair anywhere on my body grows back very quickly, so your mileage will probably vary.

Veet Rasera TV Commercial (Quicktime required).

(Editor’s Note: For more reviews on women’s beauty products, go check out the lovely women at DeLush.)

Item: Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit
Purchase Price: $9.89
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Rasera Bladeless Tool (ie squeegee). Not as smelly as Nair products. Did a good job of removing hair. Stroking my smooth legs.
Cons: Skin numbness. May irritate skin. Got sick due to losing the insulation from hairy legs. Not as tasty as Nads.

I’m not afraid to admit I use women’s products. For example, tampons are apparently handy when I cut myself shaving.

I don’t do it to get in touch with my feminine side. I watch the WE Network when I want to do that. I also don’t do it to impress women, because no matter what I do, I will NEVER impress women.

The reason why I use women’s products is because they usually smell better than men’s products. Smelling flowery or fruity like a woman is something I don’t mind, because compared to most of the men’s products, it’s a whole lot better.

Recently, I needed a new shampoo because I ran out and because it turns out that I have to wash my dreadlocks.

Choosing the brand and type of shampoo can be daunting, because there are more shampoo choices than there were candidates for this year’s Iraqi presidential elections. (Which was over 7,000 candidates for those of you keeping score at home.)

I decided on the feminine-looking Clairol Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo because it was the one I chose using my tried and true shampoo choosing technique, which is choosing whatever is on sale.

After purchasing the shampoo, I had second thoughts about it because I began to think about the rainforest flowers it took to create the shampoo.

With rainforests disappearing at an alarming rate, the tree-hugger in me, which is part of my feminine side, wondered why Clairol decided to use the rainforest flowers cassia, ginger flower, and banana flower.

If we run out of ginger flowers, that means we’ll run out of ginger, and if we run out of ginger, there won’t be any ginger snaps or gingerbread houses.

If we run out of banana flowers, that means we’ll run out of bananas, and if we run out of bananas, that means we’ll have to find another way to make people slip and fall for our amusement.

Finally, if we run out of cassia… Oh, what the hell am I saying? Cassia is called the bastard cinnamon, and just like all bastard things, no one will miss it if it’s gone.

Despite the use of rainforest flowers, the Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo had a nice sweet, spicy, and flowery scent, but the sensuous arousal powers of the ginger flower might have made me say that.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get an accurate measurement of how effective this shampoo was because it’s made for colored/permed/dry/damaged hair and I, according to my sexy hairstylist, have normal hair.

But the Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo didn’t change my hair’s color, didn’t make my hair fall out, and didn’t give me Nick Nolte mugshot hair, so I think it did a good job.

Item: Clairol Herbal Essences Rainforest Flowers Shampoo
Purchase Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Smelled nice. Cleaned my hair. No Nick Nolte mugshot hair. Ginger flower has sensuous arousal powers.
Cons: Not meant for my normal, average, and boring hair. The ginger flower’s sensuous arousal powers was negated by my lack of class and charm.

Shaving. I’ve been doing it since I was thirteen years old.

Yes, that’s kind of young to start shaving.

I don’t know if I had more hormones than other boys my age or if I’m older than I believe am, like some professional baseball players from Cuba, but what I do know is when I grow out my facial hair, I look like either the Missing Link or Robin Williams’ chest.

Growing out my facial hair isn’t a time consuming affair. My five o’clock shadow sprouts out at about noon. After one day without shaving, I look Brad Pitt-cool. After two days without shaving, I look mature. After three days without shaving, I look scruffy. After four days without shaving, my face looks like the back of my head.

Ever since college I’ve been using my trusty Gillette Mach3 razor and it has served me well over the years. The Mach3 razor, which was the first triple-blade razor ever, was the first non-disposable razor I ever used.

It was great for the first few months. Shaves were much closer and more comfortable than the crappy disposable razors. Then I ran out of razor cartridges and shortly after that I found out how frickin’ expensive replacement cartridges were. It seemed like Gillette grabbed my Mach3 razor, pointed the handle at me, and then screwed me with it.

However, the shaves were great, so I kept buying the replacement razor cartridges, like a crack addict.

Being the cheap bastard that I am, I try to make each razor cartridge last a month. I do this by shaving my face every other day, not shaving my face on the weekends, shaving my chest once a month, and shaving my…Um…No wait, that would be waaay too much information.

Recently, long-time Impulsive Buy reader Goldberry asked if I’d be interested in a free Schick Quattro Midnight razor sample she received. Again, being the cheap bastard I am and my desire to have something new happen in my lonely life, I told Goldberry I’d review it.

About two weeks later, the razor arrived in my mailbox and I almost instantly put it to the test. I planned for the razor’s arrival by not shaving for three days, and I looked like a bum.

The main feature of the Quattro is its four blades, which gives the Quattro four chances to cut my hair or four chances to make me bleed.

After my face was properly lathered up, I took my first stroke with the Quattro. The first stroke I took surprised me because it didn’t pull on any of the long hairs like my Mach3 razor does. The protective wires that run perpendicular to the blades might have had something to do with that.

When I was done, I felt like it shaved just as well as my Mach3 razor did. Although I will admit, it was a more comfortable shave.

Despite the comfortable shave, I had some problems with the Quattro. It was hard to even out my Elvis sideburns because the head of the Quattro is slightly bigger than the head of my Mach3 and I wasn’t used to its size. Also, the longer hairs would get clogged in between the blades. Dipping it in water, rinsing it under running water, or constant verbal abuse couldn’t get the hairs out.

However, I did eventually get the hair out by running my fingers masochistically down the blades several times.

Mmm…The feel of cold metal on my skin. It’s intoxicating.

Oh…What?

Anyway, a day later I shaved with the Quattro again, except with much easier stubble. It plowed through my sexy Brad Pitt-stubble just as easily as my Mach3 could and this time there wasn’t any clogging.

Overall I was pleased with the Quattro. It gave me a shave just as good as my Mach3, but did it more comfortably.

Will it replace my Mach3?

I’m not sure because the price for the Quattro’s replacement razor cartridges is slightly more expensive than the Mach3’s. Well I guess that makes sense, since the handle of the Quattro is slightly thicker, which means it’s a little more uncomfortable when I’m getting screwed with it.

(Editor’s Note: Our fellow reviewers at The Message Whore also reviewed the Schick Quattro Midnight awhile back. Their review was much less favorable. You can read their review here.)

Item: Schick Quattro Midnight
Purchase Price: FREE (Thanks Goldberry!)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Four frickin’ blades. More comfortable shave than my Gillette Mach3. The feel of cold metal.
Cons: Longer hairs will become clogged in between blades. With four blades, it shaves just as close as my Gillette Mach3. Being screwed by razor companies.

Chewing gum. For some, it’s a breath freshener. For others, it’s way to tame their oral fixation. For MacGyver, with some duct tape and a Swiss Army knife, chewing gum can be used to save the day.

However, for most it’s a way to freshen their breath, especially during instances when they eat garlic or onions, throw up after an evening of binge drinking, or make out with Courtney Love.

Recently, Impulsive Buy reader Lakitu emailed me to tell me about the new Extra Cool Green Apple chewing gum. I’m not a big fan of actual green apples, but I’m a big fan of artificially flavored green apple products, like candy, jelly beans, and sensual massage lotions, so I knew I’d probably like it.

Laiktu also told me she picked up the Extra Cool Green Apple gum from the community-destroying, traffic-causing superstore behemoth.

“Great,” I thought to myself.

Hoping to come out with only a pack of gum and not fifty dollars worth of goods, I decided to try out my patent pending Walmart Abstinence System for Totally Excessive Spending, or W.A.S.T.E.S. for short.

The concept of W.A.S.T.E.S. is simple. Leave all your credit cards, debit cards, and checkbooks at home, and take only enough money for the product you plan to purchase. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how much the pack of gum was going to cost, so I put two dollars into my wallet.

That was a bad idea, because the gum was only 88 cents, leaving me with over a dollar to spend freely, which ended up being two candy bars.

DAMN YOU WALMART!!! DAMN YOU!!!

As soon as I got into my car, I opened the the pack of gum and pulled out a stick. The Extra Cool Green Apple gum smelled nice and tasted good. When you first chew on it, there’s a quick minty bite, but the rest of it was all green apple, baby!

It was nice to chew on a different flavor of gum than the usually minty and cinnamon gums I chew.

Like all Extra gums, the flavor lasted for a while. However, after spitting the gum out, the taste lingered in my mouth for hours after. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. However, what I’m about to point out next may make it a bad thing.

Besides telling me about the Extra Cool Green Apple gum and letting me know where to find it, Lakitu also mentioned to me that it made her breath smell like pakalolo. For those of you who don’t live on these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, “pakalolo” is the local term for marijuana.

The smell from someone smoking weed is a very distinct smell and once you smell it, you’ll never forget it. People don’t call it “stink weed” for nothing.

While chewing on a piece of Extra Cool Green Apple gum, I tried to smell my breath by cupping my hands over my mouth and nose. Unfortunately, I couldn’t detect the smell of Mary Jane, so I figured Lakitu was just messing with my gullible mind or she’s been smoking a little bit of the endo.

However, a few days later I went to watch the movie Kung Fu Hustle with a couple of friends and I gave a piece of Extra Cool Green Apple gum to them at the beginning of the movie. I swear, at several points throughout the movie it smelled like someone was smoking a fatty.

So maybe Lakitu was right.

Anyway, even if it might make your breath smell like weed, I’d recommend the Extra Cool Green Apple gum. It’s good stuff.

Item: Extra Cool Green Apple Gum
Purchase Price: 88 cents
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Pretty damn good. Different than the usual minty Extra gum. Sugarfree.
Cons: Taste stays in mouth for hours after. May make your breath smell like you smoked weed.

When living in a humid environment, it’s necessary to use some kind of deodorant. If you don’t, no one will invite you to car pool, use the exercise equipment next to you, or want to be in the same elevator as you. Although I have to say, someone stepping into an elevator without deodorant still isn’t as bad as someone farting in an elevator.

Of course, there are advantages to NOT using deodorant, like making it hard for guys to guard you while playing basketball or having a lot of space on the dance floor to break out your pop-n-lock routine.

For the past few years, my deodorant of choice has been the Old Spice Fresh Scent Clear Stick Deodorant, but I decided it was time for a change. It’s like doing the missionary position all the time. After awhile, it gets pretty boring and you want to try something different.

While shopping at my local drugstore, I planted myself in front of the men’s deodorant shelf and smelled as many as I could, trying to find my new scent. I decided on the Degree Ultra Clear Clean Slate Deodorant, because it just so happened to be in my hands when I thought blood was going to come out of my nose because I destroyed my olfactory system from smelling over a dozen deodorants.

I’ve preferred clear deodorant sticks over the white solid deodorant sticks ever since I saw LL Cool J’s performance on MTV’s Unplugged. In case you missed it, during his performance LL Cool J wasn’t wearing a shirt, then during “Mamma Said Knock You Out,” he grabbed both microphones and raised his elbows above his shoulders and there in his hairy armpits were huge white globs of deodorant.

It was probably the only moment that ladies didn’t love Cool James. Ever since then, I’ve sworn off the white stuff and now I trim my armpit hair.

During the first few days of using it, the Clean Slate scent coming from my armpits was pretty strong, but it was a nice clean scent, so I didn’t mind. I really wanted someone else to smell it to get their opinion, but I didn’t realize how hard it was to find someone to smell my armpits.

Well actually, finding someone to smell and lick my armpits was easy, but I didn’t want to pony up the $40 for that. But finding someone to do that for free was impossible.

So how well does the deodorant work? Let’s just say, I went running for a couple of miles with it on and when I was done, I didn’t smell like I just went running for a couple of miles, but I really wish I had someone to smell my armpits to confirm it.

After a couple of weeks of use, I prefer the Degree Clean Slate scent over the Old Spice Fresh scent, but I think that has more to do with the fact I’m tired with the missionary position (ie Old Spice Fresh scent) and enjoy the newness of the bullfrog position (ie Degree Clean Slate scent).

Besides the scent, another thing I liked about the Degree deodorant was the way to advance the deodorant out from its container, which involved twisting the whole bottom of the container. The Old Spice deodorant just had a simple knob. Again, I probably think this is cool because of the newness of the bullfrog position.

However, if there was one thing I didn’t like, it was the container’s concave lip, which will probably make it hard to milk every last bit of the deodorant stick.

Item: Degree Ultra Clear Clean Slate Deodorant
Purchase Price: $2.50
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Nice clean smell. Scent might be a bit too strong at first. Trimmed armpit hair. LL Cool J’s performance on MTV’s Unplugged.
Cons: Concave lip might make it hard to use every last bit of the deodorant. LL Cool J’s deodorant choice for MTV’s Unplugged. Getting it on in only the missionary position.

Bars of soap.

They were once considered the King of the Shower, dominating the personal care aisle at stores, coming in dozens of brands, sizes, and scents. We thought so well of bars of soap, that we used to give them as gifts to people in either in the shapes of fish or on a rope. They were also once seen as goods to be taken from hotel rooms, along with the small bottles of shampoo and conditioner, and the occasional towel or ashtray.

However, bars of soap now have been reduced to a small section on the bottom shelf at stores and have been replaced by dozens of liquid body washes. They are also left behind in the hotel room, like the used condom in the trash and the Bible and the phone books in the nightstand.

It’s been years since I’ve used a bar of soap, but when I used them, my soaps of choice were Ivory and Irish Spring.

Ivory was a good soap because it was dirt cheap and Ivory claimed it was 100 percent pure. Their proof that it was pure was the fact bars of Ivory soap floated, like angels in the sky. Of course, this can’t be true because if Tara Reid were on a raft, she would still be a drunken tramp.

I also used Irish Spring because I loved the scent of it. Every time I took a shower, I would close my eyes and imagine being in Ireland during the spring, surrounded by leprechauns and four-leaf clovers, with the smell of Irish Spring in the air. Of course, later I found out that Irish Spring was just as Irish as Lucky Charms cereal.

Anyway, I switched to body washes because they were much easier to masturbate clean with than a bar of soap. Plus, they came in much better scents, even better than Irish Spring.

Recently, I got to reexperience what it’s like to use a bar of soap again, thanks to the new Irish Spring MicroClean.

The Irish Spring MicroClean looks and smells very similar to the original Irish Spring, except it has these MicroBeads in the bar, which are supposed to exfoliate the skin.

Unfortunately, the MicroBeads felt like they weren’t doing their job. It felt like a really, really fine piece of sandpaper that had been heavily used to strip the paint off of a bicycle. My loofah does a better job of exfoliating, because it feels like it’s actually ripping off my epidermis.

Even on my most sensitive parts, like my hairy nipples, I couldn’t really feel the MicroBeads. However, I did feel clean, but what soap doesn’t make you feel that way.
Another thing that bothered me about the soap was the sticky soap film, which I should’ve remembered from my previous years of using bars of soap. I guess I’m just so used to the slippery soap film that I get from using moisturizing body washes

The Irish Spring MicroClean probably won’t make me go back to using bars of soap, but I have found a nifty use them. It turns out that a bar of Irish Spring MicroClean makes for a wonderful air freshener in the bathroom.

Just stick one on a plate, leave it anywhere in the bathroom, and let the Irish Spring goodness spread throughout the room.

I think I’m going to stick a bar in my car.

Item: Irish Spring MicroClean
Purchase Price: $1.97 (3-pack)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: That familiar Irish Spring smell. Rich lather. Makes a wonderful air freshener.
Cons: Sticky soap film. Could hardly feel the MicroBeads, even on my nipples. Or maybe I couldn’t feel the MicroBeads because of the hair around my nipples.

If anyone needs help with the ladies, it’s me.

When the best compliment I’ve received about my looks is, “You have nice ears lobes,” I know I’m gonna need a little extra help attracting women. So I turned to a product that claims women will be all over me if I use it, Axe Shower Gel.

They come in a variety of scents: Touch, Essence, Phoenix, and Kilo, which also sound like good party drug nicknames. I chose the Touch scent, because that was the desired effect I wanted with women and it also smelled like the Christian Dior’s cologne Fahrenheit, which I wore during my freshman year in high school to impress my hot 23-year old English teacher.

After taking a jog, I had the opportunity to use the Axe Touch Shower Gel. I poured some into my loofah and began washing my body. (Yeah, I got a loofah. WHAT ABOUT IT? It exfoliates. Yeah, I exfoliate. WHAT ABOUT IT?)

As I washed my body, the scent began to change. It went from the pleasant Christian Dior Fahrenheit musky scent to the unpleasant old man musky smell. It was like Dr. Jekyll turning into Mr. Hyde.

The old man smell filled my bathroom and I actually dry heaved once. I quickly rinsed off my body, dried off, sprayed on my favorite cologne, and avoided my bathroom until the smell faded away.

From that experience, I didn’t believe the old man-smelling Axe Touch scent could actually attract young women, but I had to find out the truth. So I needed to find a place where there were many women.

Fortunately, I have a major state university in my backyard, so it was easy finding groups of women. So the next day, I reluctantly took another shower using the Axe Touch Shower Gel and then walked up to campus. My plan was to wait for the classes to end and then walk through one of the busiest walkways.

When classes got out and the walkway filled with students, I swam my way through the crowd, trying to pass as many women as I could. When I ended up at the other end of the walkway, I turned around and went through it again. Unfortunately, both times I didn’t receive any phone numbers, seductive looks, or full-body tackles.

I went home disappointed.

When I got home, I stepped into the bathroom and cried…I mean, washed my face. The old man smell from the Axe Touch Shower Gel still lingered from the shower I took about an hour earlier. I took a deep breath and a lightbulb suddenly went on in my head.

If young women weren’t attracted to the old man smell of the Axe Touch Shower Gel, then maybe I needed to focus my attention to those who might be. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to Catherine Zeta Jones and Anna Nicole Smith terrifies me, because I’m afraid she might sit on me, hug me, or eat me. With those two off my list, I decided to hit on focus on the female AARP segment of my community.

So the next morning I got up at 5:30, took a shower with the Axe Touch Shower Gel, and headed towards the nearest McDonald’s, which is where the old folks here tend to congregate. When I entered the McDonald’s, the place was crawling with people over the age of 60 and had a heavy coffee smell.

I ordered some food and sat in a booth that was next to one that had four older ladies, or as I like to call them, “experienced ladies.” With my back facing towards them, I took the sports section of the newspaper I brought in with me and began to fan myself, pretending I was hot. I hoped that the scent of the Axe Touch Shower Gel would reach the ladies.

As I ate my breakfast, I tried to listen in on their conversation, hoping that they would whisper something about how great I smelled to each other. Unfortunately, the only things they talked about were their last doctor visits, the trip one of them took to Las Vegas, and their grandchildren.

Bah!

After finishing my breakfast, I went home, stepped into the bathroom, cried…I mean, brushed my teeth, went back to sleep, and dreamed of women rubbing my nice ear lobes.

Item: Axe Touch Shower Gel
Purchase Price: $4.39
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Smells like Christian Dior’s Fahrenheit cologne while in the bottle, but…(see cons). Cool black bottle. I have nice ear lobes.
Cons: I had a musky old man smell after I took a shower. Doesn’t attract young women or old women. Smell lingers in bathroom for hours. Pricey.