Whoa, a toothpaste review! I know what questions are swirling in your head. “Is it bacon flavored? Did I accidentally visit theresponsiblebuy.com? What’s next, advice on my 401(k)?” No, no, and you can’t go wrong with index funds. Occasionally, TIB likes to offer reviews for products that can cleanse your bodies of all the sweets and fats we usually recommend. And since all of our Taco Bell posts already double as laxative reviews and I refuse to try out the Shake Weight until after a third date, I figured a toothpaste review best fits the bill.

According to the Colgate website, the new MaxClean with SmartFoam can clean hard to reach places because it has 30 percent more penetrating foam than regular toothpaste. For the purposes of this review, I guess we’ll just assume that more foam actually is better for cleaning your teeth, even though a quick Google search provides unsatisfactory evidence. I’ll also assume that Colgate decided to use this specific combination of capitalization and spacing in the product title because it somehow makes the toothpaste better at cleaning your teeth, and NOT because they wanted to make me incredibly angry by randomly mangling basic rules of English. A quick Google search on this question also provides unsatisfactory evidence, so I’ll let you decide which of these assumptions is a bigger stretch.

MaxClean with SmartFoam had a classically pleasant electric blue color, and the intensity of its mint flavor was pretty standard toothpaste fare. But within 20 seconds of brushing, I could notice a significant difference in foaminess. “30% extra foam” may have been a serious underestimation, as I had a really hard time not letting the foam dribble out of my mouth. After I was done brushing, my mouth felt much cleaner and tingly-er than it normally does. I suppose the toothpaste actually could have cleaned more hard to reach places than my regular toothpaste does; more likely, the overflow of foam just reached a greater surface area around my face and left my mouth feeling zestier more on the outside than within. Even if it’s the second explanation, I think that’s a big positive – in addition to cleaning my teeth, I want my toothpaste to make me feel refreshed after I use it.

On the negative side, the overflow of foam means I probably left dried toothpaste spots all around the sink and annoyed my roommate. Sorry about that, David. Oh, and thanks for buying toilet paper last week. If I wrote for theresponsiblebuy.com I would probably remember to buy basic household necessities at the supermarket instead of walking around the snack aisles asking the store associates if they know whether the next shipment of Twinkies will include the Strawberry Crème ones. (They never know.)

Anyway, if you’re like me and want your toothpaste to help you feel awake and refreshed in the morning, definitely buy the Colgate MaxClean SmartFoam. If you’re skeptical about the assumption that more foam is actually better for your teeth, find a good scientific answer and let us know. And if you’d prefer for me to go back to reviewing greasy and ridiculous foods, come back in two weeks and I promise I’ll revert to form. Who knows, maybe those Strawberry Crème Twinkies will finally have arrived!

Item: Colgate Effervescent Mint MaxClean SmartFoam with Whitening
Price: $2.50
Size: 6 ounces
Purchased at: Kmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Produces a lot of extra foam. Leaves your mouth feeling cleaner (even if it’s not really any cleaner). Theresponsiblebuy.com. Index funds for your 401(k). Shake Weight commercials. My roommate buying toilet paper last week.
Cons: Unclear if more foam is better for your teeth. Capitalization and spacing of the product title makes me angry. Leaving dried toothpaste spots everywhere. Creeping out the supermarket store associates.

In order to have the taste of bacon in your mouth all day, you could get bacon stuck in between your teeth, but that’s bad oral hygiene.

If only there was something that could make your pie hole… I mean, bacon hole smell like bacon, but yet something that doesn’t involve food rotting in between your teeth. Well, guess what? Mr. Bacon’s Bacon Flavored Toothpaste is the artificially flavored way to keep your teeth clean and breath bacon-y fresh all day.

If you’re interested in starting your day and ending your evening with bacon toothpaste, you can purchase a 2.5 ounce tube from the Archie McPhee website for $4.50.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, there is bacon floss, but no Listerine Bacon. Add the bacon toothpaste and bacon floss with bacon soap, and you have yourself the toiletry bag of loneliness.

Source: Foodbeast

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

If you ever take the time to deeply examine the clusterfuck known as the Jack in the Box menu board, you will find a grilled cheese sandwich, bacon cheddar potato wedges, mini churros and egg rolls. (via An Immovable Feast)

I’m disappointed this Colgate Halloween toothpaste doesn’t glow in the dark, because if my teeth can’t be glowing white because of my diet cola addiction, I’d like them to, at least, just glow. (via The Surfing Pizza)

Caramel Apple Hershey’s Kisses sound good, but I prefer the real thing because the apple will keep the doctor away and slapping it on my forehead will make me feel like a unicorn. (via Sugar Pressure)

250 milligrams of caffeine will increase your heart rate. But 250 grams of caffeine will make your heart explode. Okay, actually, only one gram will make your heart explode. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Pop-Tarts with gingerbread men imprinted on them are nice, but I’d really like to see a dark chocolate one with a frosting imprint of Han Solo frozen in carbonite. (via Awful Food)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

I’ve tried this pricey toothpaste before and me likey because it’s refreshing and it combines my name with my twin sister’s name. Wonder Twin powers, activate! (via +/-)

Tuna + Mayo + Corn + Pizza = Pass (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Can’t stop staring at cans. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

I hope this bring us one step closer to making energy bacon a reality. (via Energy Drink Ratings)

Speaking of bacon, I was hoping that this chicken wrapped in bacon would be awesome, but it proves the cardinal rule of bacon — it makes everything better — wrong. I weep with sadness. (via Freezer Burns)

The Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste combines three things I’m scared of when it comes to products to review — it’s from a Southeastern Asian country (Thailand), it’s herbal, and it looks like something that might come out of an asshole. Not surprisingly, the most disturbing out of the three for me is the fact it looks like shit, and believe me I know what shit looks like because I’ve seen the 2 Girls 1 Cup video enough that I could make the calmest reaction video ever.

Fortunately for me, the packaging came in Thai and English so I could read what I was getting myself into, but not even the English language could help ease my trepidation about the product. I’m used to toothpaste with sodium fluoride, foaming agents, and the American Dental Association Seal of Acceptance, but not toothpaste made from over ten natural herbs, sorbitol, and flavour. The packaging doesn’t even list the natural herbs, except for streblus asper and clove, which makes me wonder if this product is a true Thai toothpaste or a tourist tricking toothpaste?

Speaking of its ten natural herbs, the Twin Lotus Herbal Toothpaste gets its dark shit-like color from them, but according to the packaging those herbs also have an oral hygienic kick.

(Editor’s Note: The following quote from the package has not been altered for grammatical correctness.)

With over 10 natural herbal ingredients keeps gums and teeth healthy firmly. It relieves sensitive teeth and decreases cigarette, tea and coffee stains, eliminates bad breath, keeps breath fresh and clean.

Its scent reminded me of the Sea Breeze astringent I used to suck up the oil from my face in the late 1980s. The scent also reminded me of the alcoholic burn from the Sea Breeze astringent, which had the same rousing abilities as smelling salt. When I first brushed with the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste, I could only stand it for 15 seconds before having to spit it out because it tasted like what I imagine the sole of a boot that has walked on a herbal farm tastes like. However, the more I brushed with it, the more I got used to it and now I can go the whole three minutes of brushing without gagging.

The foam made by the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste was disturbingly tan in color. Also, my mouth still felt gritty after rinsing the first time, so I had to rinse a second time to ensure that I wouldn’t cause any unusual sensations if I had to French kiss or salad toss someone.

Now that I’m used to its flavor, the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste is something I would use to brush during odd times, like after lunch, but it isn’t something I would use for brushing in the morning or before I go to bed because I love fluoride to protect my teeth. However, I’m quickly running out of it because I’m having too much fun using it to make small piles of fake dog poop.

(Editor’s Note: I would like to curse thank TIB reader LaneO for providing me with the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste to review. Also, below is a commercial for the Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste. Come to your own conclusions about it.)

Item: Twin Lotus Original Herbal Toothpaste
Price: FREE
Size: 200 grams
Purchased at: Given by reader LaneO
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Made from more than ten genuine natural herbs. English translation. Natural oral care. Makes awesome fake dog poop. Not being bothered by 2 Girls 1 Cup.
Cons: Looks like shit. Tastes like making out with Joan Rivers after a clove cigarette. Looks like shit. No fluoride. Looks like shit. Leaves a gritty feeling in my mouth. Looks like shit. Smells like Sea Breeze astringent. Looks like shit. Takes some time to get used to its taste.

I need a Monica Lewinsky.

I’m not talking about the alcoholic beverage called Monica Lewinsky, which includes blue curacao liquor (representing her infamous blue dress), coconut rum (representing the infamous stain on her blue dress), vodka, stirred with a cigar, and garnished with a mini black thong.

Nor am I talking about the ham-filled Monica Lewinsky sandwich, the head-bobbing Monica Lewinsky dance, or the Monica Lewinsky tooth brushing technique.

What I’m trying to say is that I need an intern here at The Impulsive Buy.

Preferably a woman, even an ugly one, like that Sanjaya chick on American Idol.

Oh wait, I’ve just been told that Sanjaya is a dude. Are we sure about that?

Anyway, TIB needs an intern because I don’t really have a way to find out whether the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste actually makes me kissable or makes my kisses taste delicious. I know lots of beer with Barry White music playing in the background makes me kissable and so does a paper bag over my head with a picture of Luke Wilson’s face taped to it.

Having a female intern would give me someone I could make out with — for review purposes only — and she would be able to give me instant feedback on how effective the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste is. Sure I could turn to anyone of my usual make out partners; my pillows, my bathroom mirror, or the Winona Ryder wallpaper on computer monitor, but none of them would give me feedback.

Well actually the computer monitor does make my lips warm, my pillows might give me pimples around my mouth, and my bathroom mirror might give me herpes, but those are not the types of feedback I’m looking for.

As you can see from the picture, the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste is packed with mini breath strips. Just like the gold flakes in Goldschläger, the breath strips seem to be there only for decoration because they don’t make the toothpaste any more minty than others.

However, its minty berry flavor is good and its minty sweet taste reminds me of a kid’s toothpaste, which makes brushing a little enjoyable instead of the repetitive necessary chore that it is. So I guess with its good minty berry flavor, it could possibly make me kissable…or tolerable.

If I had an intern right now to make out with, they would probably agree with me. Heck, I’m at the point that I would even consider a dude as an intern. Hey, it’s not gay if it’s done for review purposes, I imagine I’m making out with Eva Longoria, and most importantly, I don’t get an erection.

Item: Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint
Price: $3.29
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Minty berry flavor is good. Kind of reminds me of a kid’s toothpaste. Female interns. Possibly makes me kissable or tolerable. Lots of beer definitely makes me kissable.
Cons: Mini breath strips are useless. Having sexual relations with female interns. Sanjaya is still on American Idol. TIB’s lack of an intern. My current make out partners: my pillow, my bathroom mirror, and my monitor wallpaper of Winona Ryder.