Pringles’ new line of potato crisps, Family Faves, are more family friendly than family favorites, because the line is made up of extremely safe flavors — Cheddar BBQ, White Cheddar Pop and Taco Night.

Nothing weird. Nothing exotic. Nothing crazy. Nothing a wee bit fucked up. They’re so safe, I’m surprised each can of Pringles Family Faves doesn’t come with a Trojan Magnum XL condom wrapped around it.

If I sound disappointed, I am, because I want Pringles flavors that blow my mind, like I’m reading through an issue of Mental Floss. They shouldn’t be hard to produce since they already make mind-blowing flavors in other countries, like Grilled Shrimp Pringles, Wasabi Pringles, Sausage Pringles, Grilled Shrimp and Pepper Pringles, Prawn Cocktail Pringles, Seaweed Pringles, Soft Shell Crab Pringles, Balsamic Vinegar Pringles, Bacon Caesar Salad Pringles, Spanish Salsa Pizza Pringles and Cream Cheese Pringles. Seriously, whose Pringles can do I have to stroke in order to get American Pringles factories to pump out flavors as unique as these?

Until then, or until I have enough disposable income to pay six dollars plus ten dollars shipping to purchase a foreign flavor of Pringles off of eBay, I’m going to have to settle for whatever lame ideas Pringles in America come up with to help me be the best couch potato I can be.

If I had to choose a fave between all the Pringles Family Faves, I’d pick the Cheddar BBQ. It smells like barbecue Lays potato chips, but its flavor is a bit different. There’s a tanginess with a little bite. The cheddar flavor is definitely noticeable, and when combined with the tanginess of the BBQ flavor, they make a decent Pringles.

As for the other two, the Taco Night version tastes like someone dumped a packet of taco seasoning in a can of Pringles, shook the can and then yelled “TA DA!” I thought the taco flavoring was a little too strong, making it not as once-you-pop-you-can’t-stoppable as most Pringles flavors. While the Taco Night flavor may be a bit too strong, the flavor of the White Cheddar Pop was a bit too light. At times the white cheddar flavor was so light, it was like I was eating regular Pringles. Despite its name, the White Cheddar Pop flavor didn’t taste like actual popcorn.

Although, if it did, that probably would’ve blown my mind.

(Nutrition Facts- 1 ounce/16 crisps – Cheddar BBQ – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein. White Cheddar Pop – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 140 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein. Taco Night – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 210 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein.)

(NOTE: Here’s another review of them that doesn’t include a Mental Floss or handjob references.)

Item: Pringles Family Faves (Cheddar BBQ, White Cheddar Pop, Taco Night)
Price: $1.49 each
Size: 6.38 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Cheddar BBQ)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (White Cheddar Pop)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Taco Night)
Pros: Comes in Super Stack cans. Cheddar BBQ was tasty. No trans fats. Nutrition facts and ingredients list are also in Spanish. Foreign Pringles flavors. Mental Floss.
Cons: Flavor choices aren’t exciting. Flavor of the Taco Night was a bit too strong. Flavor of the White Cheddar Pop was a bit too strong. The families that chose these faves. Having to stroke someone’s Pringles can in order to get stuff done.

The Pringles Restaurant Cravers Onion Blossom potato crisps are based on the Outback Steakhouse appetizer known as the Bloomin’ Onion, which is not Australian in any way. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of being introduced to a Bloomin’ Onion and the unknown amounts of saturated fat and sodium it provides, it’s basically the worst thing one can do to get revenge on onions for giving us bad breath.

Imagine having more than a dozen deep slices around your body, then opening up those wounds more, coating those open gashes with a batter, then deep frying your entire body to a golden brown, and having your body picked apart and dipped into a spicy sauce. That’s what the onion has to experience for turning the gum and mint industry into a multi-billion dollar one and also for making us cry whenever we cut them.

Of course, I could make it much worse for onions, but I have yet to figure out a way to make them eat themselves and then blow heavily on themselves.

I imagined the Pringles Restaurant Cravers Onion Blossom would be like eating a potato and an onion making sweet, sweet love using a spicy dipping sauce as lubricant, but instead it mostly tasted like the spicy dipping sauce lubricant, which made sense because a Bloomin’ Onion without its sauce pretty much bloomin’ sucks. It’s lightly covered with an orange powder that give each potato crisp a mild horseradish flavor with a little bit of garlic and onion.

I’m not much of a horseradish kind of guy, but I have to say that I did enjoy the flavor of these Pringles. But they weren’t as appetizing as Outback Steakhouse’s Bloomin’ Onion because I think they lacked the three things that make a Bloomin’ Onion so special: high amounts of saturated fat, lot of sodium and being surrounded by a faux Australian ambience that makes Aborigines and Australians angry.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 11 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 6% Vitamin C.)

Item: Pringles Restaurant Cravers Onion Blossom
Price: $2.49
Size: 6.38 ounces
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Tastes like the spicy sauce given with the Bloomin’ Onion. Nice horseradish flavor. Super Stack. No trans fat. Significantly healthier than a Bloomin’ Onion. Getting revenge on onions.
Cons: People who don’t like horseradish won’t like it. Slightly high in sodium. A Bloomin’ Onion without sauce. Having to chew gum after eating onions. Eating an entire Bloomin’ Onion by yourself. Eating an entire can on Pringles in one sitting.

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in an M.C. Escher painting, running through endless corridors of waterfalls and weird shit only to end up in the same place. This might be because I browse the shopping aisles after taking a tab of acid, but it’s more likely that I’m just running into the same lazy promotions. Oh boy, another company gone “extreme” to spice up my life. I’ve grown weary of writing “extreme” jokes every other review, so if this is their intention, they have turned me into a beaten man.

Luckily, there is more to this damnation of cardboard tube than a stupid name, and believe me, it is a very stupid name. “Screamin’ Dill Pickle” was actually slang for gonorrhea where I grew up. It brought back some bad memories when I saw this on the shelves. Pickle flavoring on Pringles scared the shit out of me. I absolutely hate it when I get pickle juice on my fries, so pickle flavoring on Pringles would probably be that much worse.

I should probably explain Pringles to the uninitiated. Pringles are for small children who enjoy the novelty of eating stackable chips and stoners who like making those Pringles lips as seen in the commercials. If potato chips were steak, then Pringles would be mechanically separated beef. That’s because Pringles are “potato crisps” that are made from a potato-based dough not unlike your favorite instant mashed potatoes. While this does wonders for their ability to be neatly stacked into tubes, it doesn’t keep Pringles from tasting like salty paper.

While I figured that I probably wouldn’t enjoy this, I was still willing to give it a shot. I figured that the pickle flavoring would be mild at best. I also enjoy partaking in a crispy pickle spear fresh from the jar every once in a while, so I figured that I was prepared for some mighty picklage. However, you readers should know by now that I judge about as well as Lance Ito.

This is either the best thing ever or a nauseating abomination depending on your level of sanity. I don’t know how they did it, but it actually tastes more pickley than a pickle. It pretty much tastes like a McDonalds pickle if you were to take a swig of the juice right after consumption and then had someone kick you right in the nuts.

An informal taste test among a few friends confirmed that it is indeed disgusting, even for pickle lovers. The smell of it is also unsettlingly pungent. Just opening the tube around people leads to many audible complaints, escalating into violent threats after an extended period of time. If you ever sense the pleasurable aroma of pickles at your house, don’t be alarmed. It’s just me opening my Pringles and wondering if these extreme companies will ever let me go shopping sober again.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 110mg sodium, 14 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 6% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, and 0% Iron)

Item: Pringles Extreme Screamin’ Dill Pickle
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Very, very, very pickley if you’re into that sort of thing. Tube is sturdy and plastic cap fits well. May be able to fit some small tennis balls in there.
Cons: Just one chip tastes like ten concentrated pickle slices. The smell is ridiculously strong and literally nauseating. People who make Pringles lips. Pringles kind of suck compared to real potato chips. Companies that are too lazy to name their products anything other than Extreme.

A couple months ago, I tried the limited edition Ketchup Pringles, which I purchased from the national, small-business destroying superstore behemoth I sometimes shop at. I really enjoyed them, although this is from someone who thinks ketchup goes great with anything.

While watching a Pimp My Ride marathon and mowing down the can of Ketchup Pringles in one sitting, I wondered if Pringles was going to come out other limited flavors. Fast-forward a few months and on the shelf at the national grocery store chain I shop at, I discovered Salt and Pepper Pringles.

To describe the experience of eating Salt and Pepper Pringles, I have decided to express it in rhyme. Or to be more exact, take someone else’s rhymes, change a few words, and make them my own rhymes.

So I give you Salt ‘n Pepa’s “Push It,” with a few of my changes in the lyrics.

S-S-Salt and Pepa Pringles are here and it’s in effect.
Want you to try it babe,
Tryin’ it by day then at night you’ll have some regret.
C’mon Pringle, you sure like to show that you know,
how to make messed up chips to eat during a TV show.

Salt it good.
P-pepa it real good.

Item: Salt and Pepper Pringles Potato Chips
Purchase Price: $1.50 (on sale)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Got to be “Weird Al” Yankovic for a few minutes.
Cons: Too much salt. Too much pepper. Would you like some potato chips with your salt and pepper?