Recently, a new version of Firefox, one of the most popular web browsers, was released into the wild. TIB was fortunate enough to sit down with Firefox and discuss the new version. Unfortunately, I don’t speak fox, so a translator was brought in.

Marvo: Aww. Awwoooo.

Firefox: Grrrr!!!

Firefox’s Translator: I’m a fox, not a fuckin’ wolf!

Marvo: Sorry about that. Anyway, Firefox 2.0 was recently “released into the wild,” how excited are you to be finally out there for the public?

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Grrrr!!! Yap. Yap. Bark. Yap. Bark. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: - Oh. “Released into the wild,” like I’ve never heard that one before, you unoriginal bastard. Anyway, I’ve been downloaded over 200 million times and I’m totally excited about all the new features available.

Marvo: So what are some of the new features?

Firefox: Grrrr!!!! Grrrr!!! Bark. Bark. Yap. Yap. Bark. Yap. Yap. Bark. Bark.

Firefox’s Translator: I was just about to get into the new features until I was rudely interrupted. Who are you? Bill O’Reilly? Now where was I? Oh yes. First off, there’s improved tabbed browsing. By default, I will open links in new tabs instead of cluttering your monitor with new windows. Each tab will also have a close tab button.

Marvo: I like having a close tab button on each tab, just like in Apple’s browser, Safari.

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Grrrr!!! Ptwooie!!!

Firefox’s Translator: Safari…whatever! I can chew up Safari and spit it out. Ptwooie!!!!

Firefox: Yap. Yap. Bark. Yap. Yap. Yap. Bark. Bark. Bark. Bark. Yap. Bark. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: You can also scroll through all your tabs, which is perfect for all the porn sites you visit, Marvo.

Marvo: What? Porn? Me? No.

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Bark. Grrrr!!! Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: I’m Firefox and I know what you’ve been downloading.

Marvo:: Whatever. Anyway, one of my favorite new features is Session Restore, which restores all the tabs and downloads in-progress after a crash or if you need to be restarted for any reason.

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Bark. Bark. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: Crash? If you didn’t visit so many porn sites, like Asian Persuasion, Asian Babes, Asian Angels, Asian Happy Fun Time, Asian College Girls, Asian Ecstasy, Asian Girls, Asian Funhouse, Asian Pleasure, Asian Beauty, Big Asian Girls, Asian Grandmas, Asian Hos, Busty Asians, Asian Dreams, Asian Booty, Asian MILFs, Asian Holes, Asian Gratification, Asian Massage Parlor, Asian Office Workers, Asian Love, Asian Bondage, and Big Asian Dudes, I probably wouldn’t crash at all.

Marvo: You must be mistaken about all those sites, especially Big Asian Dudes.

Firefox: Grrrr!!!

Firefox’s Translator: Really?

Marvo: Anyway, another feature that I like is the built-in spell check, which comes in really handy when I’m leaving comments at other blogs.

Firefox: Yap. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: Porn blogs?

Marvo: Geez, forget about the porn already! Don’t make me get Bob Barker to get you spayed or neutered.

Firefox: Grrrr!!!

Firefox’s Translator: Bring it, Sperm Sprayer!!!

Marvo: Let’s just finish this interview. One feature that I probably won’t use much, but could see being useful for my parents is the built-in phishing protection. Identity theft is a big problem and hopefully it will help the less educated from becoming victims. Can you tell us a little about it?

Firefox: Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: By default, phishing protection is on, and what it does is warn users if they have visited a possible phishing site, like a fake eBay, Paypal, or online banking site that someone could visit through a fake bank email, Nigerian scam email, or hot girl-on-girl email.

Marvo: One of my favorite things about you is the ability to add extensions and themes to enhance the Firefox experience. My favorite extensions are EditCSS, which allows me to preview cosmetic changes I make to TIB, and Download Statusbar, which is great for seeing the progress of large downloads.

Firefox: Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: Like porn?

Marvo: Enough with the porn. Anyway, there have been many additions to you, but none of them seem really revolutionary, more evolutionary. Tabbed browsing which was revolutionary in Firefox 1.0, is now better, and the same can be said of how you handle RSS feeds. Overall, you’re still a very solid web browser and I hope you continue to get better.

(Editor’s Note: If you’d like to download Firefox 2.0, go to Spreadfirefox.com. Also, TIB reviewed Firefox 1.0 a few years ago. You can read that review here. Warning: If you’re easily offended by corn, please do not click the link.)

Item: Firefox 2.0
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Downloaded at Spreadfirefox.com
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Still a fast browser. Better management of tabs. Session restore. Built-in spell check. Phishing protection. Extensions and themes.
Cons: New features seem more evolutionary rather than revolutionary. Foxes and wolves don’t really sound alike. Downloading on dial-up will take awhile. Some extensions and themes might need to upgraded to use with Firefox 2.0.

Oh yeah! I’d like to rub some EVOO all over you, baby!

Oh! Hi there! I’m just watching the Rachael Ray cooking show 30 Minute Meals on my iPod.

I love my new iPod, not only because it can play videos, hold 7,500 songs, and carry my calendars and contacts, but also because it totally replaced my old Rachael Ray shrine.

If you saw my old Rachael Ray shrine, the first thing you would probably think to yourself is, “Damn! That Rachael Ray shrine must take a lot of time to set up before the ceremonial rubbing of EVOO all over the body can be started.”

You’re totally right about that! Also, my old Rachael Ray shrine took up so much space. First, there was the 11″ x 17″ Rachael Ray collage I made using screenshots from her various television shows. Then there was the OTHER 11″ x 17″ Rachael Ray collage I made by superimposing her head on random body pictures of hot women in bikinis and lingerie.

Then there was the rosemary-scented candles and sage-scented incense. Then there was the bowl where I put the fresh herbs and spices into as an offering to the Rachael Ray shrine. Then I had to get a bottle of EVOO, which as I said before, was used to do the ceremonial rubbing of it all over my body. Finally, there was the DVD player and TV which played one of her DVDs in a continuous loop.

With my new iPod, I can get rid of some of these things. I can break up the collages into individual images and play them in a nice slideshow on my iPod, or with a special cable, I can watch the slideshow on my TV.

As for the DVD player and TV, I can load my 30GB iPod up with every episode of $40 A Day, Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels, and Inside Dish, but it doesn’t have room for all the episodes of 30 Minute Meals, and it also definitely doesn’t have room for her upcoming syndicated talk show.

Maybe I should’ve gotten the 60GB iPod instead.

However, without all the episodes of 30 Minute Meals, I do have room for more Rachael Ray photos, like that sexy photoshoot she did for FHM. I got one word for that photoshoot…Yum-O. Also, I’ve added some scanned images of her from her cookbooks and her magazine called Everyday with Rachael Ray. How good is that?

The iPod’s screen is bright and sharp, and all the TV shows play smoothly. The 2.5-inch screen was small at first, but I got used to it. There are other features, like games, a stopwatch, and a screen lock, all of which I don’t really use. However, I do use the notes feature to carry Rachael recipes around.

Since my iPod has helped me condense my Rachael Ray shrine, I have some closet space again, which means I now don’t have to keep inflating and deflating the blow up doll I have with a picture of Rachael’s face taped to it. So now I won’t be out of breath when I do my ceremonial extra virgin olive oil body rubbing Rachael Ray chant, which goes like this:

“30 minute meals I will make. I preheat the oven so I don’t have to wait. Got my garbage bowl and EVOO. I’m ready to eat something that’s Yum-O!”

Despite how great my iPod is with condensing my Rachael Ray shrine so that it is good to go, I’ve had some problems with it. First, the iPod scratches too easily. It’s as fragile as Michael Jackson’s face and his will power around little boys. Although the scratches aren’t noticeable when I’m watching videos.

Another concern I have is the battery life when playing only videos. My iPod can play only videos for about two hours, which is enough for only five commercial-free episodes of $40 A Day. So unless I’m near an outlet, I can only get through half of the ceremonial EVOO body rubbing.

The rubbing of my nipples alone takes thirty minutes.

Item: 30GB Apple iPod (5th Generation)
Price: $299
Purchased At: Apple Store
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: It plays music and video. Bright and sharp screen. Thinner than my old iPod. A great Rachael Ray shrine replacement. Holds my calendars and contacts. Notes feature is great for carrying around Rachael Ray recipes. Ceremonial rubbing of EVOO all over my body.
Cons: Scratches damn easy. Not enough space for all the episodes of 30 Minute Meals. Battery life when playing video is short. Need to buy separate power adapter to plug into power outlet.

FEMALE FRIEND: It’s soooo small.

MARVO: It’s not THAT small. Besides, it’s pretty powerful and it can go for a long time.

FEMALE FRIEND: How long can it go?

MARVO: I got it to last for over twelve hours.

FEMALE FRIEND: Twelve hours straight?

MARVO: Yeah.

FEMALE FRIEND: That’s a lot of Doggystyle, Piledriver, Missionary, Lotus, and Cowgirl.

MARVO: Oh, don’t forget the Pretzel, Helicopter, and T-Spoon.

FEMALE FRIEND: Do you mind if I touch it?

MARVO: Go ahead.

FEMALE FRIEND: Oh my goodness, I didn’t realize how smooth it was. So do you take it running with you?

MARVO: Yeah, I HAVE TO take it with me. Although when I put them in my shorts, it kind of protrudes.

FEMALE FRIEND: So do people notice it protruding when you’re running?

MARVO: I don’t know, but I feel it bouncing around. I’ll probably buy something so that it doesn’t flop around so much.

FEMALE FRIEND: Do you think you’re hurting it when it flops around like that?

MARVO: I don’t think so, because it’s pretty durable and it hasn’t skipped a beat. Although, when I first got it, I had some problems with it.

FEMALE FRIEND: Like what?

MARVO: Well basically, it didn’t always work right. I’ll be in the middle of using it and then everything goes soft.

FEMALE FRIEND: It gets turned off or something?

MARVO: Yeah, but everything is fine now. I just looked at some stuff on the internet and it stays turned on now.

FEMALE FRIEND: So how does it work?

MARVO: Just grab it, use your thumb, and stroke it right here.

FEMALE FRIEND: Right here?

MARVO: Yeah. Some people have had trouble turning it on, so you might have to stroke it a little harder.

FEMALE FRIEND: Oh my goodness, I turned it on. So how do I make stuff come out of it?

MARVO: You just have to push the right button.

FEMALE FRIEND: This button?

MARVO: Oh yeah, that’s the button.

FEMALE FRIEND: So when you wanna put stuff on it, where do you stick it?

MARVO: I stick it into a USB port, where it also gets charged up. It takes about three to four hours to fully be ready to go again.

FEMALE FRIEND: So what else does it come with?

MARVO: It came with a couple of things, a pair of earbuds and a lanyard, which you can use to hang it from your neck. But I don’t like to wear it like that. I prefer to keep it in my pants.

FEMALE FRIEND: It doesn’t have a screen, so how do you know what’s playing?

MARVO: Well when I’m using it, it’s usually in my shorts and I don’t really need to look at a screen. I pretty much know what’s on it, because it only holds 125 songs. But if I need to switch to something else, I’ll just play with it through my shorts. I know where the right buttons are.

FEMALE FRIEND: So does it vibrate?

MARVO: No, it doesn’t vibrate.

Item: iPod Shuffle
Purchase Price: $99.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Light and small, but not THAT small. Great for exercising. Durable. Doesn’t skip. Cheapest iPod.
Cons: Had occasional problems with keeping it turned on. No screen, which maybe a problem for some. Some might have trouble turning it on.

I’m sure all of you have faced the following situation: Having waaaay too much porn.

You know what it’s like with gigabytes of pictures and movies. There’s so much of it that it’s hard to keep track of everything. I’m sure you have labeled folders all over the place full of porn and so did I. However, thanks to iLife ’05 that has all changed.

If you’re a Mac user you’re probably familiar with iLife, which is a suite of Mac-only software used to create, organize, edit, and share your digital media (photos, music, video, etc). If you have iLife, you’ve probably used it to organize and edit things like your family vacation pictures or your child’s birthday videos.

But I’ve learned it’s also great for organizing porn.

iLife ’05 consists of five applications:

1. iMovie HD – Used for editing digital video
2. iPhoto 5 – Used for organizing, editing, and printing digital photos
3. iDVD 5 – Used for burning dynamic DVDs
4. iTunes 4.7 – Used for managing your legal and illegal music files
5. GarageBand 2 – Used by non-musically inclined people, like myself, to make crappy music

Almost every one of these applications has helped me organize my porn and make it readily available when I want it or when I’m feeling lonely.

Let’s start with iMovie HD.

iMovie HD is great for editing homemade porn movie, because it’s so easy to use. With it I can easily take out all the awkward moments like her screaming out someone else’s name or her faking an orgasm REALLY badly. I can also edit all the boring cuddling and talking that happens before and after getting it on.

One of the newest features of iMovie HD is the ability to edit high-definition video, hence the HD part. Unfortunately, there aren’t any cheap high-definition cameras available, which might be a good thing because without high-definition I don’t look good at all, so imagine how bad I’ll look with high-definition.

With iPhoto 5 I can easily arrange the tens of thousands of pictures on my hard drive by making different albums. I can create an album for brunettes, blondes, redheads, Asians, lesbians, hardcore, threesomes, midgets, and a whole lot more.

A new feature in iPhoto 5 is the ability to store your downloaded videos within iPhoto 5. It sure is easier than the dozens of folders I have, which are organized alphabetically by the pornstar’s name. If the file is a Quicktime or MPEG file, iPhoto 5 will be able to store them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for Windows Media Video files.

Now with iDVD 5 I can burn the movies I edited onto a DVD so I can view them with the DVD player in the living room or I can send them to friends. Also in iDVD 5, I can create slideshows of the thousands of photos I have in iPhoto 5 and burn those slideshows onto a DVD.

As for iTunes and GarageBand…Um, there really isn’t any use for them when it comes to organizing porn. However, I did make a crappy 70’s porn soundtrack using GarageBand.

Item: Apple iLife ‘05
Purchase Price: $79.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great for organizing porn. iPhoto is much faster for viewing the thousands of photos I have. iMovie will be great for editing high-definition porn. GarageBand allows me to create all the crappy 70’s porn music I want.
Cons: iTunes and GarageBand don’t have any uses when organizing porn. Mac-only software. iPhoto doesn’t store Windows Media Video files. Previous version of iLife was $49.

As many of you know, earlier this month, my digital camera broke and I had to buy a new one. Many of you also know that it broke while I was taking photos of a product I was planning to review.

Um, that last part was a lie. It actually broke while I was taking photos of myself.

Why was I taking photos of myself? I needed self-portraits for the online dating service I’m planning to sign up for.

Although I’m scared to try an online dating service, because who knows what kind of freaky-deeky girl I might end up on a date with? But then again, freaky-deeky sounds pretty good…because I’m desperate.

Anyway, the new digital camera I bought was the Canon PowerShot A85. I actually wanted the $200 3.2-megapixel Canon PowerShot A75, but NOBODY had it in stock, so I had to buy the more expensive, 4-megapixel PowerShot A85.

While researching digital cameras, I had to read a lot of reviews. These reviews got pretty boring because they explained things like aperture, ISO, exposure, blah, blah, blah. See it’s pretty boring.

Here at the Impulsive Buy, we’re not going to bore you with stuff like that, instead we will ask hypothetical questions that include scenarios most people would use a camera for and find out if the PowerShot A85 would do a good job in each of these scenarios.

Question #1

“I just gave birth to my daughter, her name is Melody, and I want to take pictures of all the important moments of her young life, like her first steps, her first tooth, and her appearance in the possible future movie Baby Geniuses 3, but I’m not knowledgeable about photography. Is it easy to take photos with this camera?”

Yes. There’s an Auto Mode that lets the camera do almost all the work, like figuring out the appropriate aperture and shutter speed. All you have to do is point and shoot. The Auto Mode takes great pictures and those pictures will help psychiatrists understand why Melody doesn’t like you for forcing her to be in what will probably be, if they make it, one of the worst movies EVER.

Question #2

“I’m 70-years-old, technophobic, and don’t own a computer. Is this camera good for taking photos of my beautiful, but bratty grandchildren?”

No. I’ve learned that elderly people with technophobia and digital cameras don’t mix. It’s like sticking a gun in the hands of the Dalai Lama.

As for the lack of a computer, you might be fine there because this camera allows direct printing from the camera to special Canon printers.

On second thought, the technophobia will definitely come into play here because if you can’t set the time on your VCR, you probably won’t be able to figure out how to print your grandchildren’s photos from your camera.

Question #3

“Is this camera good for when I go to Mardi Gras and take pictures of women flashing their boobs?”

Yes. When a woman flashes her boobs, make sure the camera is set to the Fast Shutter option. This allows you to take better photos of those shy women who show their boobs really fast, without the risk of blurred photos. Also, make sure you have a lot of bead necklaces.

Question #4

“I read that the PowerShot A85 allows me to take video clips. Would this be a good option for finding out if my significant other is cheating on me by hiding the camera in the bedroom?”

No. The video quality for digital still cameras isn’t as good as it would be for real video cameras. Video quality is important in these circumstances because I’m sure you would like to know who your significant other is cheating with so you can hunt that person down. Also, depending on the size of your memory card, the camera can’t take very long clips.

Question #5

“I’m planning to sign up for one of those online dating services and I need to take a picture of myself. I’m not very good looking and when I tried to take a self-portrait of myself, the digital camera I was using broke down on me. Will this camera break if I take a picture of myself?”

Yes AND No. Are you wearing a paper bag over your head when you take the picture? If you are, the camera won’t break. If you aren’t wearing one, I highly suggest you do NOT take a self-portrait because the camera will break.

Also, if you’re extremely claustrophobic and you might suffocate with a paper bag on your head, a big sheet of paper in front of your face can be used instead of a paper bag.

Conclusion

Overall, I liked this camera. It takes great shots and has a great battery life, since it takes four AA batteries to power it. The PowerShot A85 is great for those who just want to point and shoot or for those control freaks that like manual options.

It’s a great camera for almost any scenario you may face.

Editor’s Note: For more product reviews go check out our friends at the Message Whore.

Item: Canon Powershot A85
Purchase Price: $279.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great for taking pictures of flashing boobs. Allows direct printing from camera to special Canon printers. Won’t break when ugly people take self-portraits with a paper bag over their head.
Cons: Video option isn’t good for trying to catch your significant other cheating on you. Too complex for elderly, technophobic people.

Three weeks ago, I was a cell phone virgin.

I didn’t own a cell phone because I didn’t have a use for one, I didn’t want a possible brain tumor, and I enjoy being uncool.

Well today, I’m a cell phone whore. Okay, not really a whore, because I hardly use my phone.

So what made me change my mind?

Well I was talking to an old friend and I told him I didn’t have a cell phone. He said he felt sorry for me. Then I asked him why I would need a cell phone and he came up with an excellent and simple answer: Booty calls.

I thought about that for a second and decided that he may have a point. What if some woman out there wanted to give me a booty call and I was out and about? Without a cell phone, she wouldn’t be able to reach me and I wouldn’t get any booty.

Sure there’s a 99 percent chance of me NOT getting a booty call, but still, there’s that one percent.

So based on that one percent chance, I gave in and got a cell phone.

After shopping around and checking out online the various cell phone providers, I decided on T-Mobile, which a lot of my friends here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean subscribe to.

Next I had to decide on a phone and I chose the Motorola V180. The only reason why I chose it was because it was free (with service activation).

While doing my cell phone provider research, it seemed like EVERY company was offering this phone for free (with service activation). It seemed like they wanted to get rid of them like it was Anna Nicole Smith’s drunken, pre-Trimspa, hidden home sex tape.

However, I don’t know why they would offer the phone for free because the Motorola V180 seems like a good phone. The talk and standby time is excellent; it has a color screen; and it’s small and light. Plus, it helps me get one percent closer to receiving a booty call.

If there was one thing I didn’t like about the phone, it was the lack of a camera on it. But I figured I really didn’t need a camera on my phone, because I’d probably only use it to take voyeuristic photos of hot women.

(Wait, did I just admit that? I should take that out, so don’t seem creepy. Eh, I’ll just leave it in for now. I can always delete it later.)

Item: Motorola V180
Purchase Price: FREE (with service activation)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Free (with service activation). Full color screen. Long talk and standby time. I now have a one percent chance of getting a booty call.
Cons: No camera to take voyeuristic photos. Ugh…Images of a drunken, pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith in my head.

Oh if only my 900 Mhz cordless phone could talk, imagine the stories it could tell.

All the telemarketers trying to sign me up for credit cards, companies asking me to take a survey that they say ONLY takes 15 minutes (but takes 45 minutes), arguments with my parents about getting a job, 1-900 numbers I found on various restroom walls, and the wrong numbers I got from the girls I’ve met at bars, nightclubs, and bookstores.

Unfortunately, that phone died the other week, after five long years. I think it was it’s time to go, but I also think it was probably tired of hearing me utter the words, “What are you wearing, baby doll?”

So I needed a new phone, but I didn’t want something fancy (i.e. expensive). I just needed a cordless phone that can handle the rigors of excessive $3.50-for-the-first-minute-and-$1.50-for-each-additional-minute phone calls.

To find that phone I went to everyone’s favorite small-business-destroying everyday-low-prices behemoth (shudder) and came out with the V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology, which has to be the most unappealing name for a product ever.

Okay, not as unappealing as Anna Nicole Smith’s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit (Now With 25% More Skank).

So what’s so special about a 5.8 Ghz phone? I could go into detail using whatever words “smart science people” use, but I’d be boring you with big words like “spectrum,” “frequency,” and “wavelength.”

Instead, I’m just going to say that the “smart science people” state that 5.8 Ghz phone technology will increase sound quality, enhanced range, and heightened security.

One of the best things about the V-Tech phone is the speakerphone on the handset. It comes in pretty handy when you REALLY don’t want to listen to someone talk.

Just place the handset on the table and let them ramble about how their boyfriend/girlfriend sucks, how crazy the shopping malls are, how they’re addicted to every CSI show, and how Scott Peterson should be put in the electric chair, while being given a lethal injection in a gas chamber with flesh-eating beetles.

While they jibber jabber, do whatever you want (eat, watch television, read blogs, or play with your Anna Nicole Smith’s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit), but just remember to say every so often any of the following phrases. “Yes.” “Uh huh.” “Okay.” “That’s funny.” “Say what?” “No way.” “That bitch.” “What are you wearing, baby doll?”

Despite other great things about the phone, like the LCD screen and the buttons that light up, there were a few things that bothered me about it. For starters, the battery gets really warm while charging. Also, the sound quality isn’t that great because those who I talked to say I sound like I’m in a hallway.

Plus, there’s no speed dial. Instead there’s a phone book feature that allows you to scroll through the various numbers saved on the phone. This has been proven to be a pain when quickly scrolling through the phone book and accidentally dialing 1-900-BIG-BLND, when I really wanted 1-900-BIG-BRUN.

There’s a big difference, you know.

Item: V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology
Purchase Price: $53.72 (Everyday Low Price)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Speakerphone on handset. LCD screen. Buttons that light up.
Cons: Battery gets warm when charging. When talking, it sounds like I’m in a hallway. No speed dial.