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The Shopping Cart #5

Written by | November 8, 2006

Topics: Food, Snacks, The Shopping Cart

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to all the readers who participated in yesterday’s Vote To Torture Me Election. The results were very surprising and in a landslide vote, you readers chose to save my ears and save my soul. So I won’t be reviewing K-Fed’s attempt to take over Vanilla Ice’s reign as the biggest rap poser/wannabe ever. Thank you.)

The Shopping Cart takes a quick look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Eating That Possibly Tastes Like The Rotting Crushed Corpses of Gingerbread Men

At the slow rate of deliciousness these Lucerne Limited Edition Yogurts are going, I believe in 2010, they will be so delicious that little old ladies will either steal them from your shopping cart, violently fart in the yogurt section to prevent you from getting close to it, or assault you with their walkers at Safeway for them.

But right now they suck.

The other week I tried the Lucerne Limited Edition Chai Latte Light Yogurt and it made me gag hard. Although not as much as I did watching the video of Anna Nicole Smith giving birth via C-section on YouTube (Warning NSFW and NSFTWHMGW*).

This week I tried the Lucerne Limited Edition Gingerbread Light Yogurt, which had a slightly better spicy taste than the Chai Latte version…very slightly. It tasted somewhat similar to the Chai Latte version, but this time it didn’t make me do any pubic-hair-stuck-in-my-throat gagging.

It was decent enough for me to be able to finish an entire cup of it, which I couldn’t even come close to doing with the previous limited edition flavor. But I would not eat another one unless someone forced me to choose between eating another Lucerne Limited Edition Gingerbread Light Yogurt or watching the Anna Nicole Smith C-section video.

*Not Safe For Those Who Hate Money Grubbing Whores

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The Shopping Cart #4

Written by | October 25, 2006

Topics: Food, The Shopping Cart

The Shopping Cart takes a quick look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Addicted To That Comes From Thailand, But Isn’t Heroin or Male Prostitutes

When I think of Thailand, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t, I wonder many things, mostly its popularity as a sex tourism destination and if it’s a great place to get Thai spicy eggplant in garlic sauce.

Recently, Thailand pineapples have been on my mind, because I’ve been eating a lot of bags of the Mariani Pineapple Tango, which are dried mango-flavored Thailand pineapples. According to the all-knowing, but sometimes incorrect, Wikipedia, Thailand is a major exporter in the world rice market, and it’s also a big producer of tapioca, rubber, grain, sugar, and pineapples. It’s also a major importer of middle-aged, creepy, horny Caucasian men, looking to be loved long time.

Although the Mariani Pineapple Tango has an artificial mango taste, it tastes pretty gosh darn good. It looks like dried mango, tastes like dried mango, but it’s not mango, which sounds like some of the prostitutes in Thailand, which look like a woman, smell like a woman, but it’s not a woman.

With no fat, no cholesterol, and two grams of dietary fiber, it makes for a somewhat healthy snack. But the 25 grams of sugar per serving is a good reason to eat the Mariani Pineapple Tango with moderation. However, if you’re on a sex tour in Thailand, please do not use condoms in moderation, because where you go, is probably where dozens, possibly hundreds, have already been.

At $3.49, it’s a little pricey for a six-ounce bag of dried fruits here in the United States, but in Thailand that same $3.49 will get you a $3.49 hooker, unless it’s a male hooker, then it costs wayyyy more.

How do I know this?


What I’m Eating That I Wish I Weren’t Eating

There are times that I regret being a quasi-product review blog editor.

One of those times happened after trying the Limited Edition Lucerne Chai Latte Light Yogurt, which I purchased from Safeway for 60 cents. After being disgusted by its horribly gross tangy spicy taste, I thought about walking away from the quasi-product review blog game, because I didn’t know whether my taste buds or my stomach could handle the punishment of another shitty product.

But after recovering from said shitty product, I thought if I’m not around to protect the innocent from horrible products, then who will?

Who will?

At first I thought the Limited Edition Lucerne Chai Latte Light Yogurt would be decent because its smell kind of reminded me of egg nog. However, a spoonful later, I really felt like gagging and going to the bathroom to pray to the porcelain gods.

As you can see on the packaging, it says “Chai Latte with other natural flavors.” I tried to figure out what those “natural flavors” were by dipping my spoon into the yogurt again and again, trying to consume as little yogurt as possible. Believe it or not, the taste was actually familiar to me and I began going through all the “natural” things I’ve put in my mouth over the years, including tree bark, pine cones, grass, dirt, leaves, twigs, and berries.

As I continued to ponder what was so familiar about the taste of the Limited Edition Lucerne Chai Latte Light Yogurt, I noticed the car air freshener that my friend Lana gave to me, which says, “Donating Blood Makes ‘Scents’” After the hamster in my head started running in its wheel, I quickly realized that the horrible spicy Chai Latte yogurt tasted almost exactly like how that car air freshener smells.

Sure it’s fat-free, has low-cholesterol, low-sugar, is a decent source of calcium, and contains live and active cultures, but it’s also got Splenda and it tastes like a car air freshener. I bought two of them, but both will be either thrown away or given to my worst enemy in a brown paper bag and set on fire on their doorstep.

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The Shopping Cart #3

Written by | October 1, 2006

Topics: Clothing, Music, The Shopping Cart

The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Wearing That Shows My Inability To Properly Use Long Hard Things

Yes, I don’t know how to use chopsticks, especially those damn long plastic Chinese chopsticks.

My Japanese ancestors are probably rolling in their graves…Oh wait, they were cremated. Let me rephrase the previous sentence. My Japanese ancestors are probably kicking up ashes in their urns, because I have the chopstick proficiency of a one-year-old in Japan or a nervous, old horny man experiencing nyotaimori (Possible NSFW) for the very first time.

Over the years, I’ve gotten better at eating with chopsticks. As long as I can stab what I’m eating, I won’t starve. But when it comes to eating noodles or rice with chopsticks, I instantly jump on the Atkins low-carb diet.

I’m ashamed of my chopstick ineptness and have been wearing this recently purchased Threadless t-shirt called “Sticks of Shame” like a scarlet letter. The design says something in Japanese, but I can’t read it at all, which in turn is making my Japanese ancestors kick up ashes in their urns again.

Fortunately, the English translation is printed in small type on the right side. It says, “I can’t use chopsticks. Because of this, MY FACE BURNS WITH SHAME!!!…can I please have fork.”

I would also settle for a spork.

Whut’s Bumpin’ In My Totally Un-Pimped Out Japanese Compact Car

Aw yeah! Now dats whut I’m talkin’ ’bout, y’all!

My man, Weird Al is dropping some crazy shit on y’all wit his new joint, “White & Nerdy” from his brand new album, “Straight Outta Lynwood.” Lynwood! Represent!

It’s a parody of smooth southern rapper Chamillionaire’s joint “Ridin’.” Yo, I gots to say dat dis gots to be one of da illest parodies dat, my boy, Weird Al has done. Ya heard!

Yo, some of y’all might not think dis polka boy gots da skillz to be droppin’ mad rhymes, but yo, check da lyrics, y’all. Check da lyrics.

I’ve been browsin’, inspectin’
X-Men comics, you know I collect ‘em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect ‘em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL

Dang! Dat white boy can drop rhymes, y’all. So if y’all wants to be shakin’ your asses at your next LAN party, Dungeons & Dragons gathering, or at da comic book store, go buy dis phat track.

Da video fo’ “White & Nerdy,” is on YouTube, so go check it out.

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The Shopping Cart #2

Written by | September 12, 2006

Topics: Clothing, Personal, The Shopping Cart

The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve tried, but am too lazy to write a full review for. Consider them mini-reviews. Or lazy-ass-reviews.

What I’m Wearing That Maybe Causing Hell To Freeze Over, But Also May Make Me Look Fabulous

I would not, could not, at the club. I could not, would not, after getting out of the tub. I will not wear it in the form of a shirt. I will not wear it privately in a miniskirt. I will not wear it inside or out. I will not wear it when I’m about. I do not like wearing clothes as pink as spam. I do not like them, Marvo-I-am.

For thirty years of my life, I thought that way about wearing the color pink. I believed that pink was a color that only girls and really preppy Polo-wearing bastards should wear. But after picking up this pink-striped Banana Republic Outlet shirt for $24.99, I’m now beginning to see that pink can be very manly. After all, prime rib is pink…and very manly.

Pink really isn’t so bad. Now that I think about it, I’ve eaten a lot of pink things in my life, like the pink hearts in Lucky Charms, pink cotton candy at a carnival, pink marshmallow Peeps, and other pink things.

So I will wear it at the mall. And I will wear it watching baseball. And I will wear it while in a car. And I will wear it while being rejected at the bar. And I will wear it inside or out. I will wear it when I’m about. I do so like wearing clothes as pink as spam. Thank you! Thank you, Marvo-I-am.

Hmm…I wonder if wearing lavender is in my future now?

What I’m Using In My Hair That Doesn’t Give It That Viagra Stiffness

Every year during Christmas I get free hair care products from my sexy hairstylist. Last Christmas, I received small container of Paul Mitchell’s Tea Tree Grooming Pomade. To be honest, I had no idea what pomade was. It sounded like a pomegranate flavored Gatorade.

I grew up using hair spray, hair gel, and whenever I wanted to look like a 1950s mobster, Brylcreem. My hair product of choice for the past three years to keep my hair stiff is the Viagra-colored Hard Up Hair Gel. I like having my hair stiff because, just like porcupines, I use it to defend myself from predators, like hobos, feral cats, and former Real World cast members who desperately want attention.

Pomade wasn’t designed to give hair a stiff hold, instead it gives it a flexible hold, which I really don’t like since one low ceiling could ruin the messy bed head look that took ten seconds to sculpt in my bathroom mirror. The Tea Tree Grooming Pomade also gave my hair a slight greasy feeling and a weird waxy smell, which is the ultimate woman repelling combo, ahead of missing teeth and a handlebar mustache.

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The Shopping Cart #1

Written by | September 5, 2006

Topics: Beverage, Music, The Shopping Cart

(Editor’s Note: Today, I’m introducing a new section at The Impulsive Buy called The Shopping Cart, which will consist of products that I’ve purchased, but won’t write a full review for, and products that I’m lusting over, but either can’t afford, can’t find, or it’s only available in dark alleys.)

What I’m Listening To That May Sound Perverted, But Really Isn’t…I Promise

It sounds like there should be something sexual about a song called “Easy” by the Barenaked Ladies, but rest assured there is nothing sexual about it, and I am disappointed about that. However, if it was sung by either Marvin Gaye, Barry White, or the 2 Live Crew, then it probably would’ve been sexual and I would’ve added it to my “Gettin’ It On” mixtape.

“Easy” is the first single from the upcoming Barenaked Ladies album, Barenaked Ladies Are Me, which is being released in the middle of September. I’ve been listening to both the album version, which I purchased from iTunes (99 cents), and the acoustic version, which I downloaded via eMusic (monthly subscription).

It’s a mellow song and is not as fun as many of their previous tracks, like “One Week” and “Another Postcard,” which make me want to grab a hairbrush and lip sync the lyrics in my bathroom mirror. There’s definitely no “Chickity china the Chinese chicken,” but I’m fine with that.

What I’m Drinking That Keeps Reminding Me Of Jay-Z

When I think of hip-hop and beverages, there are only two beverages that come to mind: Cristal and St. Ides. Cristal has been mentioned in hip-hop lyrics by Jay-Z, P. Diddy, Busta Rhymes, Master P, and I’m sure many others. As for St. Ides, this was what former spokesperson Ice Cube had to say about the malt liquor:

Once again it’s on, I’m gone out the front door.
Ice Cube in the glass house, headin’ for the store.
To get a beer that’s better than the rest.
The S-T-period-I-D-E-to-the-S.
and it will put hair on your chest.
In the black can, so why don’t you grab a six pack and,
get your girl in the mood quicker
Get your jimmy thicker with St. Ides malt liquor.

A few months ago, I tried the Izze Sparkling Pomegranate and every time I drank one all I could think about was “H to the izz-O/V to the izz-A/Fo’ shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in VA.” For those of you who aren’t down with hip-hop, that’s a line from the Jay-Z song “Izzo (H.O.V.A.).” Get it? Izz-E. Izz-O. Izz-A.

Anyway, its tart taste was good, but not great. However, the pomegranate made me feel like I was drinking something healthy, so it made up a little for the taste. I don’t know if the Izze Sparkling Pomegranate is good enough to make it into hip-hop lyrics, but with Jay-Z’s boycott of Cristal it’s one step away from being, “I got Izze Sparkling Pomegranate, I gotta have it./I’m suckin’ them down like it’s a habit.”

Man, I suck as a rapper.

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