Like an escape hatch hidden behind a library bookshelf in the 19th medieval literature section, red velvet cake is so much more than it seems. It is what chocolate cake would be if it were recruited as a spy, stealthily dying its natural brown cake a burnt red and shunning its chocolate frosted exterior for a plain, smooth buttercream, possibly even with some cream cheese added in (scandalous!).

But we know that these red dyes and swirly buttercreams are just fancy looks, right? At its heart, red velvet cake is still just a humble, fudgy chocolate cake, and I don’t mess around when it comes to chocolate cake. These little Lindt truffles are no exception: I want nothing short of chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate…oh yeah, and a dab of buttercream. Bring forth your cocoa-iest, Lindt!

Let us pause to celebrate Lindt’s interactive packaging. Not only does bursting open the bag bring forth smells of sugar and milk chocolate, but the act of unwrapping and beholding one of the white chocolate orbs provides you with a warm bubbly feeling and sense of accomplishment. It’s similar to the sensation of completing all 256 secret levels in Super Mario Brothers, only without golden coins, Luigi, or the need to defeat a spikey-shelled turtle creature with anger problems.

Chomping down, there’s an immediate crackle from the white chocolate shell, which leans more on the “Buttercream” rather than the “Cream Cheese” side of the Frosting Spectrum (very scientific). The insides are smooth and, I’m pleased to discover, taste like actual chocolate.

Sure, there’s some red dye going on, saturated fat out the wazoo, and vegetable oil helping it all hold together, but it graciously doesn’t obstruct from the rich, milk chocolate flavor sustained here. It ends up being about a 30:70 flavor ratio between the white chocolate “buttercream” flavor and milk chocolate fudgy flavor and, while I’m not sure what recipe, ingredient, or Harry Potter magic made this so intensely chocolate-cakey, I approve of it.

Having had far too many dry, crusty red velvet cakes in recent years, I confess I underestimated these truffles. While this isn’t the truffle I expected, it’s unquestionably a delicious one and I will happily finish the bag. They have crisp white chocolate, fudgy insides, and, when looked at in a certain light, turn your tongue red.

Oh, and they taste solid: sweet, white-and-milk chocolatey, a tad earthy, very sweet with a crunchy shell and smoothy-groovy insides. In this, Lindt proves that there is no need to have such a noisy fuss over cake. Indeed, you can avoid the oven and actually find something not only decent, but absolutely delicious.

So, if you want some cake without the flour, hassle, waiting, or just want to eat something smaller than a manhole cover, now you can join the over five million people who talk to their therapist about their mild addiction to red velvet on a weekly basis.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 truffles – 220 calories, 160 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 25 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: 6 oz. bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Crispy shell. Smooth, fudgy insides. Actual white chocolate used. Turns tongue red (sorta). Cake without an oven. Escape hatches hidden behind library shelves. Warm bubbly feelings attained by completing 256 levels of Super Mario Brothers.
Cons: Will disappoint cream cheese lovers. Questionable red dye. Oodles of saturated fat. Awkward discussions with therapist about red velvet cake addiction. Spikey-shelled turtle creature with an anger problems.

I have long imagined Valentine’s Day as the pink, wintry sequel to Halloween.

Both are holidays primarily geared at giving candy to children. Both are “major” holidays where you still have to go to work. Both are gatekeepers of larger eerie/thankful/merry and loving/lucky/springlike holiday seasons.

Four months ago, I was unimpressed with Cookies & Screeem M&M’s, which were a white chocolate center inside a dark chocolate layer.

Now, just in time for Valentine’s Day, Mars has stuffed not two but three kinds of chocolate inside a candy shell. Triple Chocolate M&M’s have a milk chocolate center, a white chocolate layer, and a dark chocolate layer, all inside the iconic shell. I guess this is their idea of cramming an entire heart-shaped box of chocolates into one small morsel.

The first thing I noticed about the packaging was the corniness of the picture. Ladies, if a man proposes to you with a ring with half a pink M&M on it, turn him down. You can do better. For one thing, that ring will turn your finger green…after it turns it pink and brown.

Fortunately, these red, pink, and purple candies are better than their spooky predecessor. First of all, they don’t have the chemical flavor of the black food coloring. Additionally, Mars made the right move by putting their flagship milk chocolate —- the flavor they used to call “Plain” -— in the center. Milk chocolate is the star of the show.

Don’t give a standing ovation to the white and dark supporting cast, however. I can taste their presence only minimally. If I let an M&M dissolve in my mouth, I can detect the different layers’ textures, but only because I know they’re there. Overall, the M&M is a conglomeration of generic sweetness. If someone snuck in an occasional oversized “Plain” milk chocolate M&M, I probably would never notice.

They’re a tasty candy, and I don’t think anyone will ever turn them down. It’s cool they got all three kinds of chocolate inside, but the flavor isn’t as noticeable or innovative as you would hope.

I would prefer it if the Walmart-exclusive Strawberry Milk Chocolate variety from 2016 was brought back as the St. Valentine’s Day variety, but Triple Chocolate is better than the Walmart-exclusive White Cheesecake. I would be glad if they brought these back next year, but wouldn’t miss them if they didn’t.

(Nutrition Facts – 1.5 oz. – 200 calories, 90 fat calories, 9 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 25 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 26 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 9.9 oz. bag
Purchased at: Lee’s MarketPlace
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cool that they got three kinds of chocolate in one. Milk chocolate takes center stage. A yummy candy. Better than Cookies & Screeem.
Cons: It’s hard to detect the dark and white chocolates. Less flavorful, and less Valentine’s-y, than the strawberry flavor of 2016. Ridiculous packaging.