REVIEW: Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash

It is hard to believe that in two months it will be the 40th anniversary of that mud-covered, bong water-flavored, musical love-fest known as Woodstock. Even though I wasn’t actually there since I was born eighteen years after the harmonious event, I’m pretty sure I know what it was like to be in the crowd and which aromas would tickle my nostrils due the LSD induced hyper-sensory experience.

In the midst of animal and human fecal matter, ganja brownies and food cooked over flaming piles of hemp t-shirts, the fragrance of patchouli oil is able to stick out as one of the very few aromas that delights, but doesn’t give you the munchies so bad that you are willing to try the vegetarian goulash of a slightly hairy woman who was just born again as Starlight Moonshadow.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of smelling patchouli oil, I guess I can describe it as the scent from your sexually ambiguous art teacher who wore long flowing skirts and jewelry made by Incas sold at that random store in the mall that always opens up and mysteriously closes after two months. I guess there isn’t a desperate need for replica Urhobo masks.

The Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash has a slight scent of patchouli, which is perfect for me, because I don’t like body washes that are overpowering since I use lotion and perfume. However, it wouldn’t be strong enough to get a hippie clean. The body wash lathers up pretty well using a medium-sized bath pouf, but I did notice that I had to put a larger amount than other body washes that I frequently use from Bath and Body Works or even Irish Spring (who says it’s only for men?).

Maybe this is a plot made by Olay for women to purchase more of their products (doesn’t every beauty company do this?), but I don’t think it’s working since I did buy this on sale at CVS. Although, I believe it was on sale because of a bottle design change, which is a little upsetting to me because the bottle design is what caught my attention in the first place. Also, it’s probably not “new” anymore.

Olay did hold up their hydrate promise, because my skin did feel like buttah before I even moisturized; the soy oil probably helped this. The Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash is a good product, but it is pretty boring compared to the thousands of other body washes currently on the market.

Item: Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash
Price: $3.79 (on sale)
Size: 15.2 fl oz
Purchased at: CVS
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Moisturizes the skin. Light scent of patchouli won’t make you smell like a hippie. Ganja brownies. Woodstock ’69. Purchased on sale. Skin like buttah.
Cons: Need to use more on bath pouf than other body washes. Scent might be too light for some. Hallucinating from ganja brownies. Woodstock ’99. Silky body wash could make you slip in the shower.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches

If Jack in the Box are “herding cows the size of schnauzers, but they’re cattle” for their Mini Sirloin Burgers, then I wonder what they’re using for their new Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches.

Oh wait…Could it be?

Tweety Bird! Nooooooooooo!

It looks like Jack was able to do what Sylvester the Cat couldn’t. Sufferin’ Succotash! It seems like for Tweety, it’s Th-Th-Th-Th-That’s all, folks! I guess instead of the puddy tat, Tweety taw a puddy Jack!

Aaaah, Looney Tunes references — so 1950s.

Jack in the Box’s Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches comes in a pack of three and each is made up of white meat homestyle chicken filets, a drizzle of lettuce, ranch sauce and Frank’s RedHot Sauce. I don’t know Frank, nor do I know the reason why he made RedHot a compound word, but I do know that the sauce is tasty, although it wasn’t as redhot as I hoped. The lack of redheat might’ve been caused by the addition of the whitecool ranch dressing, which if that’s the case, would be a shame for those who really enjoy the redspice of buffalo sauce.

The lack of heat also might’ve been caused by the semi-conservative use of Frank’s RedHot Sauce on each mini chicken sandwich. While I could taste the sauce, I really wish they dipped the chicken filets in the sauce, like they were Salem witches, instead of just topping them. I think doing that might make up for the unnecessary gram of trans fat per mini sandwich. The ranch sauce, while quite visible when pulling back the top bun, wasn’t noticeable flavor-wise, the chicken filets were slightly tough and the lettuce was just there, like the stiff-bodied person on the bottom of a sexual position who is having no fun or significantly less fun than their partner on top.

Overall, I thought the Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches were decent, but they don’t come close to being as tasty as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. I guess, for some reason, cows the size of schnauzers seem to taste better than Tweety Bird.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 mini burgers – 738 calories, 27 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 3 grams of trans fat, 51 milligrams of cholesterol, 1877 milligrams of sodium, 461 milligrams of potassium, 92 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar and 31 grams of protein.)

(Note: The commercial for it is below.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches
Price: $3.99
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Frank’s RedHot Sauce was tasty. Looney Tunes references for older people. Photoshopping. Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers. Perfect if you love sodium.
Cons: I didn’t like them as much as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. Could’ve used more sauce. Frank’s RedHot Sauce wasn’t as redhot as I would’ve liked. Ranch sauce wasn’t noticeable. Chicken filets were a little tough. The use of lettuce. Three grams of trans fat. High in sodium. Looney Tunes references for younger people.


Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

Reviewing a cardboard box may seem silly, but TIB once reviewed a plastic shopping bag. (via Everyview)

These Dunkin Donuts breakfast wraps are adorable! (via Grub Grade)

Just like I pick up Playboy for the articles, I buy Snapple for the factoid under the bottle cap. (via Cheaplander)

Land-O-Lakes Butter with Olive Oil. I wonder if you can take the O’s in olive oil and give the Land-O-Lakes mascot boobs, just like you can with her knees. (via Yum Yucky)

BOOBS!!! Nope. False alarm. Just citrus fruits. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

REVIEW: Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters

It doesn’t take much to make my nipples hard.

A light winter breeze, a cold shower or reading a Harry Potter book by candlelight in only my boxers all have the ability to areolas extendus. But nothing gets my nipples stiffer than the combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

It’s so bad that whenever I’m eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, I make sure to fold my arms across my chest so that I don’t poke an eye out with my chesty protrusions. Because of my nipple’s love for chocolate and peanut butter, I was looking forward to enjoying the Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters.

If you’ve never had Cakesters before, it has a cream filling that’s inside two soft cake cookies that have a consistency that’s similar to the nipple (and artery) hardening Hostess Twinkies and Ho Ho. If you’ve never wrapped your lips around anything Hostess makes or Cakesters, congratulations, you will probably live a few years longer than those of us who have.

The Peanut Butter Creme version combines soft chocolatey cake on the outside with a peanut butter filling, which sounds really good and I was hoping it would be just as delicious as the regular Peanut Butter Creme Oreos. But sadly, after eating it, I feel they’re trying to hurt the sacred combination of chocolate and peanut butter in one cakey swoop. Instead of making my nipples erect, the Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters takes my nipples and gives them a purple nurple.

The chocolate cake cookies are just as soft as all the other flavors of Cakesters I’ve tried, but the flavor of the peanut butter creme is significantly muted and the only time I really taste it is in the aftertaste. This is disappointing because what makes my nipples turn into rockets when I eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is the nutty flavor of the peanut butter which stands out more than the chocolate.

Unfortunately, the Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters accomplishes the opposite of that and makes my nipples sore with sadness.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package (2 cakesters) – 210 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar and 3 grams of protein.)

(Note: We also reviewed the original Oreo Cakesters (good) and the Nilla Cakesters (bad).)

Item: Peanut Butter Oreo Cakesters
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Placing the word nipple in every paragraph in this review. Chocolate cake cookies were soft. Making my nipples hard. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Twinkies and Ho Hos.
Cons: Weak peanut butter flavor. Contains high fructose corn syrup. One of the worst combinations that involves chocolate and peanut butter. Leaves my fingers slightly greasy. One Cakester is more than 100 calories. Getting a purple nurple.

REVIEW: California Pizza Kitchen Carne Asada Flatbread Melts

The term “flatbread” is one I just don’t quite understand, like “badonkadonk,” “ridonkulous” and 75 percent of the words that come out of the mouths of those darn kids who won’t get off of my lawn. I don’t get it because aren’t the slices of bread we buy in loaves from the store, whether they be whole grain, wheat, white or Wonder, also flat? But we don’t call them flatbread.

Believe me, I know flat when I see it, because I have a photo shrine in my closet dedicated to Keira Knightley.

I may not understand flatbread, but I do enjoy its softness and durability, so I was eager to try the California Pizza Kitchen Carne Asada Flatbread Melt. Although, I wasn’t too eager because I’m sort of skeptical of how good a frozen CPK meal that’s not a pizza; not offered in their restaurants; and not served to me by someone in a white long-sleeve shirt, black pants and a necktie would be.

Carne asada means “roasted beef” in Spanish and in Taco Bell speak it means “the meat option we offer that’s not chicken or ground beef.” Along with the flatbread and beef, the melt also contains reduced fat mozzarella cheese, green and red bell peppers and onions in a cilantro pesto sauce. Heating the Flatbread Melt is easy. Just pull it out of the its plastic wrap, place it on top of the included cooking tray, heat it in the microwave for 2.5-3 minutes and then fold one side over the other.

The melt was a decent size, coming in at 7.5 inches long and 3.5 inches tall. Before I folded it, I thought there wasn’t going to be enough filling in the melt, but as you can see above, there is a good amount of ingredients in between the flatbread. However, maybe there’s too much filling because ingredients kept falling out of the melt as I tried to eat it.

The melt’s flavor was mostly dominated by the flatbread, which came out of the microwave with crispy edges and everywhere else nice and soft. The next flavor I could taste was the cilantro pesto, which gave the melt a weird citrus flavor that I wasn’t too much of a fan of. There were a lot of pieces of tender meat and bell peppers, but I don’t think they added much in terms of flavor, especially the peppers.

The California Pizza Kitchen Carne Asada Flatbread Melt wasn’t very ridonkulous and I’m not sure if I would buy it again. How sure I am is the same level of sureness I have in my use of the term “ridonkulous” properly in the previous sentence.

In other words, not very much.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 melt – 370 calories, 15 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% vitamin C, 15% calcium and 6% iron.)

(Note: Greg at Freezer Burns reviewed the Chicken Santa Fe version.)

Item: California Pizza Kitchen Carne Asada Flatbread Melts
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Size: 5.9 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Flatbread had crispy edges and soft innards. Decent size. Tender meat. Good amount of filling ingredients. Quick to heat up. My Keira Knightley shrine.
Cons: Cilantro pesto gave it a weird citrus flavor. I could mostly taste the flatbread. The meat and veggie didn’t provide much flavor. High in sodium. My use of terms I don’t know the meanings of so that I can look cool.