E3 2011 - Captain America's shield from Captain America: the First Avenger (Sega)

Here are this month’s limited time offers.

When summer rolls around you can expect summer blockbuster movies. And, with those summer movies you can expect companies to release tie-ins, like Baskin Robbins’ Flavor of the Month, Super Soldier Swirl Ice Cream, which promotes the upcoming Captain America: The First Avenger movie. Just like Captain America’s shield and uniform, the ice cream comes in red, white, and blue. It consists of vanilla ice cream swirled with blue candy chips and a cherry flavored ribbon. A 4-ounce scoop has 260 calories, 13 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 31 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein.

Slurpee is also releasing a movie tie-in flavor — Alienade. The flavor, which sounds like a sports drink for aliens, is a promotional tie-in for the sci-fi flick Cowboys & Aliens. Alienade is a combination of strawberry, raspberry, and lemonade. An 8-ounce serving has 65 calories, 0 grams of fat, 5 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, and 17 grams of sugar.

Cold Stone Creamery’s Gold Cone Collection Flavor for July — Strawberry Basil — makes me wonder if the folks at Cold Stone Creamery are smoking something way better than what the flavor gurus at Ben & Jerry’s are smoking. Basically, Ben & Jerry’s got out Ben & Jerry-ed by Cold Stone Creamery because combining fruit with herbs in an ice cream is quite creative. If you do decided to take the plunge and grab yourself some Strawberry Basil ice cream, the largest serving size has 770 calories, 43 grams of fat, 28 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 92 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 80 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 440% vitamin C, and 40% calcium.

Triple Chocoholic Blizzard is July’s Blizzard of the Month at Dairy Queen. It’s made using the trifecta of truffles, choco chunks, and fudge blended with vanilla soft serve. A small serving has 710 calories, 32 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 97 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 77 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein. But if you’re a true chocoholic, a large size has 1400 calories, 68 grams of fat, 40 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 183 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of fiber, 146 grams of sugar, and 25 grams of protein.

Finally, Subway’s July $5 Featured Footlong is the Italian B.M.T. (Biggest, Meatiest, Tastiest). The sandwich is made up of Genoa salami, pepperoni, Black Forest Ham, and cheese. Personally, any sandwich that needs to tell people it’s big and meaty probably has self-esteem issues. A footlong has 900 caloires, 40 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 3000 milligrams of sodium, 93 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 44 grams of protein, 20% vitamin A, 40% vitamin C, 80% calcium, and 30% iron.

WEEK IN REVIEWS – 7/2/2011

The Jewel of Simplicity

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

This is perfect for my future fiancée. When I slip it on her finger, I’ll make her feel like the unluckiest woman in the world. (via Candyblog)

Blame it on the caffeine. Got you feeling mean. Blame it on sugar. Got you in the mood for murder. Blame in on the J-J-J-J-Jerk Energy Soda. Blame it on the J-J-J-J-J-Jerk Energy Soda. (via Clearance Cuisine)

You know what would be funny? Trying to drink Novocaine Anti-Energy Drink after your mouth has been injected with novocaine. You know what wouldn’t be funny? Trying to drink Novocaine Anti-Energy Drink after your mouth has been injected with novocaine, uploading a video of it on YouTube, and then watching the negative comments, like “LAME” and “Your a fuckin dumb ass,” get posted after. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

I don’t know if chocolate therapy will work on me. I prefer 40 milligrams of fluoxetine therapy. Or 75 volts of electroconvulsive therapy. (via On Second Scoop)

Aunt Jemima knows pancakes, but she sure doesn’t know frozen microwaveable meals. (via Freezer Aisle Files)

REVIEW: Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts

Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts

When I die, I hope my tombstone doesn’t say, “Ate way too many Pop-Tarts,” even though I have eaten way too many Pop-Tarts.

Oh wait, I’m being cremated, so I hope my urn isn’t etched with “Ate way too many Pop-Tarts” or my body isn’t burned into ashes using a giant toaster oven.

If humans didn’t poop, I would have more variety of Pop-Tarts in my body than any grocery store on the planet. Just look at all the different Pop-Tarts I’ve eaten and reviewed over the years in a convenient linked list that totally looks like a ploy to increase this blog’s page views:

If this list of Pop-Tarts flavors was instead a list of women I’ve slept with, I would be considered a manwhore and probably have/had spread an STD or two. Or three. Or everything that’s listed in the Oxford American Handbook of Clinical Medicine.

The latest Pop-Tarts flavor that has allowed me to add another notch to the side of my toaster is the Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts.

If you look at the photo below, you’ll notice Kellogg’s is being very generous by calling these Pop-Tarts “frosted.” There’s no doubt that there’s frosting on top, but instead of a layer of it like with other frosted Pop-Tarts, it’s drizzled on much like you’d find on many actual cherry turnovers. This amount of frosting is equivalent to the amount of skin a Wicked Weasel bikini covers, which is just enough to make you wonder, “Why bother?”

Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts Closeup

There has been a regular Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts for some time now with a proper layer of frosting on top. I thought the Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts would taste exactly the same. So in order to find out, I increased my chances for Type II diabetes by picking up a box and eating regular Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts.

After tasting both, the difference in flavor reminds me of the time my parents switched my usual Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tarts with Blueberry Pop-Tarts without frosting. Back then, my young taste buds could notice a significant difference. The unfrosted one was less sweet, the blueberry flavor was less pronounced, and the lack of sweetness and flavor made me cry until my parents could produce in front of me a Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tart.

The Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tart is also less sweet and the cherry flavor is less pronounced than a regular cherry Pop-Tart. It’s as if the Pop-Tart’s nearly unfrosted crust doesn’t want the cherry to pop. But when I could taste the cherry filling, it didn’t have any artificial taste to it, which I guess there shouldn’t be since it’s made with real fruit (not only dried cherries, but also dried apples).

The Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts are a disappointment and I’m glad they’re a limited edition. However, if you try them and adore them, don’t fret about them being limited edition. Even though they don’t taste exactly alike, grab a box of regular Cherry Pop-Tarts, scrape off the frosting, steal the frosting packet from a box of Toaster Strudels, drizzle some of it on top of the naked Pop-Tart, and there you go. The limited edition is limited no more.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.79
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It’s a limited edition. The box might be worth $1.99 in a future eBay auction. Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts. Wicked Weasel bikinis.
Cons: Disappointing flavor. It has frosting, but really can’t be considered frosted. Being burned in a giant toaster oven. The difference between frosted and unfrosted Pop-Tarts. Kellogg’s still making unfrosted Pop-Tarts. Lame attempts to gain page views.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Green Hornet T-Shirt Winner!!!

Here’s the winner of The Impulsive Buy’s T-Shirt/Rag Promoting A Movie That Came Out Almost Six Months Ago Prize Drawing:


Congratulations, Malika!

I’d also like to thank all of those who participated and let everyone know to be on the lookout for another prize drawing soon.

REVIEW: Häagen-Dazs Blackberry Cabernet Sorbet

Häagen-Dazs Blackberry Cabernet Sorbet

I need a new hobby this summer, so I’m thinking of taking up alcoholism. Illuminating my path to seasonal intoxication is the latest addition to the Häagen-Dazs dessert oeuvre, Blackberry Cabernet Sorbet. I’m not French, but I like this flavor, and I’ve never tasted anything quite like it before. True, it’s not all that original — Ciao Bella also has a Blackberry Cabernet — but I’m not Italian either. So… ça fait rien.

The sorbet is smooth and light and has a delightfully intense purple shade that looks like how I used to picture mead from the ancient times. Or grog. Whichever was the one that kings would get completely smashed on before executing knaves or ordering jesters to do tricks. Anyway, I’ve since learned those drinks were amber, and this sorbet is purple like wine, but that’s okay because I’ve still got some knaves to put down.

On the tongue, there is a discernible tanginess, much like fresh blackberries would taste had they been smashed into a pulp, flash frozen and jammed into a stylish cylinder with pretty sky blue and gold accents. Häagen-Dazs claims that its Blackberry Cabernet sorbet is “a refreshingly elegant sensorial experience” in which “tender ripe blackberries and the distinctive flavor of cabernet grapes combine to create this dark, intense sorbet.”

Häagen-Dazs Blackberry Cabernet Sorbet Innards

That sounds pretty darn sultry. As for its timely, hot-weather introduction, I agree that Häagen-Dazs’s Blackberry Cabernet sorbet is a welcome frozen treat, perfect for the time of year, but I wouldn’t exactly call it a refreshing one — it’s a bit too bold for that.

I guess I am altogether unfamiliar with the natural flavor of cabernet grapes before they’re transformed into wine, or as I’ll surely be referring to it over the next couple months, “Wake-up Juice.” My brain interprets the aftertaste of the Blackberry Cabernet sorbet as honey, but there isn’t any honey in the ingredients list. I guess that’s the only way my taste buds could parse the rich, slightly bitter finish that accompanies the sharp, tangy flavor of the blackberries/grapes. Don’t know what that is, but it’s delish.

That being said, there’s no indication on the carton that there are any fermented ingredients to aid my summertime goal of becoming a wino. Apparently, I was barking up the wrong tree when I looked into Häagen-Dazs’s Blackberry Cabernet sorbet as a delicious new way to stay wrecked 24/7. It’s a tasty, non-alcoholic, and healthy indulgence. It even has only 100 calories per serving. Guess I’ll have to look elsewhere for edibles to aid and abet my downward spiral summer hobby! Cooking sherry, I’m looking at you.

(Nutrition Facts 1/2 cup (102 grams) -100 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 0% vitamin A, 0% calcium, 0% vitamin C and 0% iron.)

Item: Häagen-Dazs Blackberry Cabernet Sorbet
Price: $3.99
Size: 14.0 oz
Purchased at: Ralphs
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Dark and intense. Made of real cabernet grapes and ripe blackberries. Smooth and light texture. Purple. Aftertaste is like the flavor of honey. A nice frozen summer treat. Beheading knaves because you’re drunk.
Cons: Non-alcoholic. Not the color of mead or grog. Too bold to be refreshing. Somebody stumbling upon countless empty bottles of cooking sherry under my bed in September.