REVIEW: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies

Hershey's Reese's Cookies

The other week, an Impulsive Buy reader asked if I could review the new Reese’s Cookies. I instantly agreed because she claimed they were so good that they would give me an orgasm (1), and I am not one to miss out on an orgasm (2).

Although, after thinking about it, I began to hope that trying to orgasm (3) from the Reese’s Cookies wouldn’t turn out like the last product that someone claimed would give me an orgasm (4).

Remember those Herbal Essences shampoos? You know, the one with the commercials that have a beautiful woman having an orgasm (5) while washing her hair? Well I remember seeing that commercial and thinking if the Herbal Essences could make a woman have an orgasm (6) that easily, it must be damn quick on a guy.

However, after two weeks of washing my hair with it, I didn’t orgasm (7) once. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me biologically. Then I thought maybe I had to wash my hair longer. Or maybe I needed some kind of instrument to help. Despite all of my washing efforts, I didn’t have an orgasm (8).

However, a few months later I did orgasm (9) using the Herbal Essences shampoo, while looking through a Victoria’s Secret catalog. But it didn’t happen while washing my hair. It happened while “washing” my…

Oh wait, I think this is a bit too much information. I’m sorry, just ignore the last paragraph.

Anyway, finding the Reese’s Cookies turned out to be harder than trying to orgasm (10) while washing your hair with Herbal Essences shampoo. I checked all the usual places I shop at, but I couldn’t find them. I began thinking that the Reese’s Cookies were so good that people everywhere were buying them as quickly as the stores could put them on the shelves.

Then finally, this past weekend, while shopping for Herbal Essences shampoo, I found a box that contained Reese’s Cookies 4-packs. Fortunately for me, there were two packs left in the box. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and then grabbed the two packs like I was Cookie Monster.

Me want COOKIE!!!

When I got home I placed one of the packs into the freezer and eagerly ripped open the other pack. Each cookie consists of a crunchy chocolate cookie and a layer of peanut butter on top of it, with everything dipped in milk chocolate. It looked DAMN good and smelled DAMN good.

I quickly popped an entire cookie into my mouth. “Oh-oh-oh my goodness,” I thought to myself. “These are DAMN good, but where’s the orgasm (11)?”

“Maybe it was a dud cookie,” I said and then ate the rest of the pack, but again nothing happened.

Maybe I had to chew more slowly. Or let it melt in my mouth. Or look through a Victoria’s Secret catalog while eating them. However, I tried all of those things with the second pack of Reese’s Cookies I pulled out of the freezer, but still didn’t have an orgasm (12).

Although I didn’t have an orgasm (13), I wasn’t disappointed. The Reese’s Cookies were VERY satisfying and I wished I had more. They are so good, if the Girl Scouts made cookies exactly like these, Thin Mints would definitely be their bitch.

Yes, they are that good.

Orgasm (14).

Item: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies
Purchase Price: 99 cents (4-pack)
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Really, really, really good. DAMN good! Victoria’s Secret catalogs. Eating them might cause an orgasm (15) for some.
Cons: I didn’t get an orgasm (16) from them. Maybe difficult to find, because they are so good.

Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart Yogurt

Healthy Heart

I was going to see how helpful the new Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt was with lowering my cholesterol and making my heart healthy, but there’s no way one container of yogurt could significantly help lower my cholesterol and…HOLY CRAP, have you seen the needle they use to suck the blood out of you for a cholesterol blood test?

The last time I needed a blood test, that long-ass needle made me cry like a little baby. I don’t know how the hell heroin addicts do it.

So instead of checking if the Yoplait Healthy Heart could help give me a healthy heart, I decided to find out if it could mend my broken heart. However, it wasn’t as broken as it was about a year ago, so for more accurate results I had to find a way to break my heart even more.

This turned out to be a problem.

I thought about stalking an ex-girlfriend, but I didn’t want the hassle of ANOTHER restraining order.

Or I could’ve found a woman, used my patented Marvo charm, have her fall in love with me, screw up by not opening up emotionally to her, and then have her break up with me. However, that takes too much time and my patented Marvo charm hardly ever works.

Eventually, I found something that could rip out my heart and shove it down my throat.

I found a picture that I took of me with my ex-girlfriend, which I tore up when we broke up, put back together with Scotch tape when I started missing her, scanned it into my computer, printed it with my photo printer, put it through a paper shredder after I ran into her at the movie theater with her new boyfriend, put it back together with clear contact paper when I was lonely one night, scanned it into my computer, printed it with my photo printer, crumpled it up after I ran into her at the mall, and threw it into my closet.

Actually, I thought I burned the damn thing. Well I might as well put it to good use before I burn it and piss on it.

So to break my heart even more, I stared at the picture. I looked at her beautiful smile. Her beautiful seductive eyes. Her soft, wonderful-smelling hair. Her silky smooth skin. Her soft kissable lips.

WHYYYYYYY???

I LOVE YOU!!!

I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!

PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!

I PROMISE I’LL MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!

I PROMISE I’LL BE A BETTER LOVER!!! I’LL TAKE ENZYTE!!!

I PROMISE I’LL GO DOWN ON YOU MORE!!!

Staring at the picture worked, my heart broke even more and I began to cry like someone just stuck a needle in me for a blood test.

WHYYYYYYY???

After blowing my nose, I started eating the Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt. I ate the whole thing in about 30 seconds, then I followed that with half a pint of ice cream, a couple of Pop-Tarts, half a can of Pringles, and several glasses of chocolate milk.

I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!

The Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt tasted a little different than the same flavor of regular Yoplait yogurt. Although, it still tasted good. The only real difference between the Healthy Heart yogurt and the regular Yoplait yogurt are the plant sterols (No, not steroids, sterols), which are added to the Healthy Heart yogurt to help lower your cholesterol.

GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE!!!

Unfortunately, it didn’t help heal my broken heart. So I burned the picture and pissed on it, and that made me feel a little better.

Although, about thirty minutes later I was feeling lonely and I wondered if I could bring back the picture using the ashes and alchemy?


Item: Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart Yogurt
Purchase Price: 55 cents (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes a little different than regular Yoplait Strawberry-Banana yogurt, but still tastes good. Same price as regular Yoplait yogurt. Helps lower cholesterol with plant sterols. Low-fat. High-protein. Vitamins A & D. Live & active cultures.
Cons: Unable to mend broken hearts. Long-ass needles. WHYYYYYY??? PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!! Patented Marvo charm.

iPod Shuffle

iPod Shuffle

FEMALE FRIEND: It’s soooo small.

MARVO: It’s not THAT small. Besides, it’s pretty powerful and it can go for a long time.

FEMALE FRIEND: How long can it go?

MARVO: I got it to last for over twelve hours.

FEMALE FRIEND: Twelve hours straight?

MARVO: Yeah.

FEMALE FRIEND: That’s a lot of Doggystyle, Piledriver, Missionary, Lotus, and Cowgirl.

MARVO: Oh, don’t forget the Pretzel, Helicopter, and T-Spoon.

FEMALE FRIEND: Do you mind if I touch it?

MARVO: Go ahead.

FEMALE FRIEND: Oh my goodness, I didn’t realize how smooth it was. So do you take it running with you?

MARVO: Yeah, I HAVE TO take it with me. Although when I put them in my shorts, it kind of protrudes.

FEMALE FRIEND: So do people notice it protruding when you’re running?

MARVO: I don’t know, but I feel it bouncing around. I’ll probably buy something so that it doesn’t flop around so much.

FEMALE FRIEND: Do you think you’re hurting it when it flops around like that?

MARVO: I don’t think so, because it’s pretty durable and it hasn’t skipped a beat. Although, when I first got it, I had some problems with it.

FEMALE FRIEND: Like what?

MARVO: Well basically, it didn’t always work right. I’ll be in the middle of using it and then everything goes soft.

FEMALE FRIEND: It gets turned off or something?

MARVO: Yeah, but everything is fine now. I just looked at some stuff on the internet and it stays turned on now.

FEMALE FRIEND: So how does it work?

MARVO: Just grab it, use your thumb, and stroke it right here.

FEMALE FRIEND: Right here?

MARVO: Yeah. Some people have had trouble turning it on, so you might have to stroke it a little harder.

FEMALE FRIEND: Oh my goodness, I turned it on. So how do I make stuff come out of it?

MARVO: You just have to push the right button.

FEMALE FRIEND: This button?

MARVO: Oh yeah, that’s the button.

FEMALE FRIEND: So when you wanna put stuff on it, where do you stick it?

MARVO: I stick it into a USB port, where it also gets charged up. It takes about three to four hours to fully be ready to go again.

FEMALE FRIEND: So what else does it come with?

MARVO: It came with a couple of things, a pair of earbuds and a lanyard, which you can use to hang it from your neck. But I don’t like to wear it like that. I prefer to keep it in my pants.

FEMALE FRIEND: It doesn’t have a screen, so how do you know what’s playing?

MARVO: Well when I’m using it, it’s usually in my shorts and I don’t really need to look at a screen. I pretty much know what’s on it, because it only holds 125 songs. But if I need to switch to something else, I’ll just play with it through my shorts. I know where the right buttons are.

FEMALE FRIEND: So does it vibrate?

MARVO: No, it doesn’t vibrate.


Item: iPod Shuffle
Purchase Price: $99.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Light and small, but not THAT small. Great for exercising. Durable. Doesn’t skip. Cheapest iPod.
Cons: Had occasional problems with keeping it turned on. No screen, which maybe a problem for some. Some might have trouble turning it on.

Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation

Drive-Thru PureVolume.com Comp

I always get a tingling sensation when I buy a compilation CD that consists of bands that I’ve never heard of.

It gets me excited because I like to think of it as playing musical Russian Roulette, just spin the CD and hope none of the bands give me a headache.

Of course, it’s very similar to regular Russian Roulette, except with regular Russian Roulette the headaches are much worse.

This time around, I played musical Russian Roulette with the new Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation CD, which consists of a number signed and unsigned rock, punk, and emo bands. I thought this would be the perfect CD to have a one-man mosh pit with.

Drive-Thru Records is an indie record label that has some of my favorite new bands in its stable, like Allister and The Early November. PureVolume.com is a great place to discover new bands and to get a whole crap load of free MP3s without the RIAA breathing down your neck like Kirstie Alley would if you had a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

There are a lot of great things about the Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation, but there was one that stood out. It wasn’t the fact that the compilation comes with two CDs. It wasn’t that I got it on sale for only $8.99. It wasn’t the fact that when I purchased the CD, the cute cashier at the record store wanted my autograph, although she called it a signature.

The best part of the compilation was the extra 120 total MP3s that came on both discs of bands that I have never ever heard of.

This news made my iPod cream, because that would mean 120 more songs I’d be stuffing into her. (Yes, my iPod is a she and a whore.) Although I had to fix the ID tags in iTunes because they were all messed up and my iPod doesn’t like nameless things going into her, because she has some standards.

After listening to all eight hours and thirty-two minutes of the compilation, I’ve discovered a lot of great new bands, like Fall Out Boy, Echo Screen, Self Against City, and a whole lot of other bands that I would list, but I think at some point you might wonder if I’m just making names up.

Despite my high praise of the compilation, there were a few bands that I didn’t like, but you can’t expect me like everything. Just like you can’t expect Kirstie Alley to like all the doughnut variations at Krispy Kreme.

Anyway, if you enjoy discovering new rock, punk, or emo bands, I’d like to suggest the Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation. It was a very satisfying CD purchase, especially for my slutty iPod.

(Editor’s Note: For better music reviews, that don’t include references to slutty iPods, go visit our friends at Asian Mack.)


Item: Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation
Purchase Price: $8.99 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Two CDs and 120 extra MP3s. Many good bands that I’ve never heard of. A whole lot of music for a cheap price. Great way to stuff your iPod with rock, punk, and emo bands (and she’ll like it). No Britney or Ashlee.
Cons: You probably haven’t heard of 99% of the bands, so the compilation might not be good for those who are afraid to try new things. MP3 ID tags were messed up. My iPod is a whore.

Kellogg’s Tiger Power

Tiger Power

Tony the Tiger, why have you turned into such a pussy…cat?

Have you sold out? Have you been pressured by consumer groups who think your cereals are fattening children? Is someone trying to blackmail you with a sex tape of you with a hippopotamus? Or are they blackmailing you with a secret, like you’re actually a zebra with extensive plastic surgery?

Geez, it’s not like you’re the only cereal spokesperson who has secrets. For example, Toucan Sam is gay. Why do you think they call it Froot Loops? It’s definitely not because of the fruity flavors.

Then there’s the Trix Rabbit, who was a kinky, cross-dressing, role-playing prostitute, before he got the Trix gig. He could fulfill anyone’s fantasy…for the right price. Why do you think he’s so good with disguises?

Whatever it was, at least tell me why you have unleashed your “lightly sweetened” Tiger Power cereal upon the masses?

Fiber, calcium, and protein? Whatever happened to sugar, sugar, and sugar? It’s worked for you in the past. You’re the man…ur…zebra…ur…tiger that brought us such wonderful, sweet cereals as Tony’s Cinnamon Crunchers, Banana Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Frosted Flakes, and the original Frosted Flakes.

Okay, actually, Tony’s Cinnamon Crunchers sucked big time.

However, this Tiger Power sucked even more. It was so bland, it’s like you purposely wanted it to taste like fiber, calcium, and protein. Although it didn’t take away the title of World’s Worst Tasting Cereal from the Carb Well cereal I tried a few months ago.

Despite the bland taste, I was hoping I could somehow make the cereal edible. I didn’t want to give up on you and your Tiger Power cereal, as quickly as that 7:30 a.m. accounting class during my freshman year in college, because I owe you and Frosted Flakes a lot for providing me the energy in elementary school to survive until recess.

The first thing I tried to do to make Tiger Power edible was add sugar…lots of sugar. Unfortunately, I realized that it wasn’t working too well and I was probably killing my liver.

I then tried chocolate milk, which helped a lot with the taste, but in the end I still think Tiger Power sucks.

Oh, Tony the Tiger. You have claws, stripes, and, apparently, really big balls, because you had the courage to release a crappy cereal, which probably ruined your reputation as a Sugar Daddy.

I’m so disappointed in you.

(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review of this cereal, go read their review here.)


Item: Kellogg’s Tiger Power
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Fiber. Protein. Calcium.
Cons: Bland. Bland. Bland. I no longer believe in Tony the Tiger.