REVIEW: Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies (Chocolate Peanut Butter and Chocolate Fudge)

Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies (Chocolate Peanut Butter and Chocolate Fudge)

Oh, Fiber One Brownies – how do I love thee?  Let me count the ways:


Let’s start over.  It was the best of brownies; it was the worst of brownies.  Well, actually not so much “best”…


Fiber One Brownies, I love you true; you keep me thin, you make me–


You know, sometimes a clever intro just isn’t happening.  (Some would argue that for me they NEVER happen.)  Let’s just move on.

As past reviews will attest, I’m generally not very good about what I eat.  Way too much soda, red meat, and sugary products, and not nearly enough stuff that is statistically less hazardous for you than rat poison.  Fiber One Brownies are an attempt at a compromise, finding something that won’t kill me and might actually make me healthier without requiring the slightest change in diet.  Because I’m an American, dammit, and if you think I’m not eating what I want when I want, you can get the hell back to Russia, commie.  Some of you may consider that jingoistic, but ask yourselves this: where’s my scotch?  Come on, scotch, you and I need to get this review done by toml;djknsado;aodnj

While the idea of a low-calorie dessert that also tastes awesome is obviously going to appeal to everyone, I think most of us are rightly skeptical of such products, as 9 times out of 10 they taste like urinal cakes rather than the thing they’re trying to emulate.  So I went in with understandable trepidation, yet also hopes that this would be the product to reverse the trend.  Visually they look okay — kind of small, but for 90 calories you’re probably not expecting a massive brick of chocolate.  But in terms of taste?  Put it this way: I’m halfway through each box, and I’ll let you know when I get to a good one.

I think “moist” is an adjective most people would use to describe their ideal brownies and towelettes, and it’s also the last word you’d use in reference to Fiber One Brownies.  “Like they mixed coffee grounds in with the recipe” would be a more apt descriptor.  They’re basically the dessert equivalent of the saltine challenge.  You just might be able to eat six in a minute, but if they don’t dehydrate your mouth, they’ll be dehydrating you in an entirely different way in the near future.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, that means you should definitely try it.  Let me know how that works out.

Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownies

The peanut butter ones do carry a peanut butter taste, but it seems to coexist alongside the chocolate instead of melding together.  It’s like a gentrified country club that reluctantly agrees to allow minorities in, but then refuses to talk to them and pretends they aren’t there.  And yes, I just compared peanut butter to racist WASPs, which should tell you just how uninspired this peanut butter is.  And how very, very far I’ll go to stretch a metaphor.

Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies Chocolate Fudge Brownies

The chocolate fudge variety is slightly better just by virtue of not trying to mix together two flavors that seem bound and determined to fight each other.  There’s just a hint of fudge flavor underlying the chocolate, which I don’t blame them for because for 90 calories, I had assumed one of the packaging machines was operated by a guy who once heard about fudge from a friend.  It’s a bit less dry than the peanut butter kind, though actually using the word “moist” on the back of the package is still an exaggeration gross enough to merit at least three lawsuits.  Still, I suppose if you’ve only got 90 calories left to spare for lunch and you work at one of those places that frowns on drinking light beer at your desk, there are worse options out there.  Not many, but some.

Between this review and Stephanie’s shit fit from the other day, it may seem like we’re beating up on Fiber One lately.  But really, it’s their own fault for sucking.  Sure it’s impressive that the products are so low calorie and will probably induce you to lose at least half of that, but if they taste bad, I can just eat celery and not pretend I’m getting dessert out of it.  I suppose these are useful for people who are mentally hung up on the idea of needing dessert but don’t have the calories to spare, but everyone else can safely take a pass.  Your colon may not thank you, but your taste buds will.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 brownie – Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownie – 90 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of total carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.  Chocolate Fudge Brownie – 90 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of total carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies (Chocolate Peanut Butter and Chocolate Fudge)
Price: 2 for $5.00 (on sale)
Size: 6 brownies
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownie)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Chocolate Fudge Brownie)
Pros: Low calorie.  Small, so easy to transport.  Visually acceptable.  Tasty hint of fudge.  Cheaper than a colonoscopy.
Cons: Non-clever intros.  Coffee ground brownies.  Moist as a hot sidewalk in July.  Racist peanut butter.  Fiber dehydration.  Stretching metaphors like a woodchuck stuck in a taffy machine.

NEWS: Kettle Brand Reduced Fat Chips Will Make Me Feel Slightly Less Guilty About Eating An Entire Bag


Because I inhale Kettle Brand potato chips with a suction that is only bested by a Dyson vacuum cleaner, I tend to consume an entire 8-ounce bag in one couch potato-ing session. Of course, doing so makes it hard for me to keep my girlish figure. Fortunately for my girlish figure, Kettle Brand is releasing new line of reduced fat potato chips that come in some of their most popular flavors — Sea Salt, Sea Salt & Vinegar, and Salt & Fresh Ground Pepper.

The reduced fat potato chips will have 40 percent less fat than their regular counterparts. But, just like the regular versions of their chips they will contain non-GMO ingredients and contain no preservatives, no artificial colors or flavors, and no MSG.

To give you an idea of how different the reduced fat version is from the regular version:

A 1-ounce serving of Kettle Brand Reduced Fat Sea Salt chips has 130 calories, 6 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 160 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.

A serving of regular Kettle Brand Sea Salt chips has 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 7 grams of monounsaturated fat, 115 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.

Kettle Brand Reduced Fat Sea Salt potato chips are available now in 8-ounce bags and have a suggested retail price of $3.49. Salt & Fresh Ground Pepper and Sea Salt & Vinegar will be released in August.

REVIEW: CMMG Pepperoni Tactical Sammich

CMMG Pepperoni Tactical Sammich

They all said I was crazy. But where are they now? That’s right, they’re down there, with them, and I’m up here, safe. Well, as safe as anyone could be in these times. Heck, I could be the only one left. Just me and this journal and…them.

If you’re reading this, you know how it all started. But I was ahead of the game. Guns, ammo, canned foods, fortifying my house; I was as ready as I could be. And when they came, it all went down just like I knew it would. It all went to hell.

But I’ve written about all this already. Now, it’s all about daily survival. I ate my last can of creamed corn yesterday. All of my supplies were running low. Much as I hated to do it, I knew I would have to leave the safety and security of my house to find more supplies.

Fortunately, I knew there was a Vietnam vet who lived right across the street. I found the “trespassers will be shot” sign on his fence and the fact that I rarely saw him leave the house to be encouraging. Maybe get some ammo; figured I might get lucky and he’d have some MREs or something. I knew I’d never be able to get to a store; there are too many of them out there now, and even with Lucy (my trusty shotgun), I wouldn’t stand a chance. Besides, I’m sure the stores have already been ransacked, before things got really bad. But getting across the street…I could do that. They are slow and I am fast and wily.

So last night, I made my move. I ran across the brick wall that I accessed via the tree next to my second story window. Lucy and I cleared a large enough path for me to run across the street and climb the vet’s chain link fence surrounding his yard. It seemed to have been an effective deterrent, as there were none of them in the yard. I wondered why they hadn’t knocked over the fence through sheer numbers. Once they smell fresh meat, almost no obstacle can stop them.

Once I’d broken inside, I immediately saw the reason why. Old man sitting in a ragged armchair, wearing his Army uniform, shotgun under his chin. Looked like he’d been there for a while. Guess this was one war he didn’t want to fight.

I grabbed the shotgun (trigger finger accidentally fell off in the process; sorry old man) and headed into the kitchen. Found a few cans of condensed soup and not much else. I was surprised; I figured that, like me, he’d be more prepared for something like this.

My surprise vanished when I hit the basement. Jackpot! More guns and ammo than I could fit in my pack. Evaporated milk. Jugs of water. But there was one thing that really caught my eye: the Tactical Sammiches.

They were in a box on the floor. On top of the box was a print-out from ThinkGeek’s website (Ha! Websites. Hadn’t thought about those in a while) giving some details about the “sammiches”. (That’s cutesy slang for “sandwich”; if anyone ever reads this, they may not even know what the Internet was, so I figured I’d spell that one out.) According to the paper, the Sammiches have a 2 year shelf life! The old man really was prepared. I wonder what made him give up so quickly. Too old for this shit, I guess.

I didn’t have much time for contemplation. I could hear the fence rattling outside. The Sammiches came in two flavors: Pepperoni and Honey BBQ Beef. My pack space was at a premium, and even in these lean times the thought of a Honey BBQ Beef sandwich that wouldn’t spoil for two years turned my stomach a little, so I grabbed as many of the Pepperoni Sammiches as I could and booked it out of there.

Lucy and I got back home pretty much without incident. Had to smash a little girl’s head in with the butt of one of my newly acquired pistols; she had no eyes but she knew exactly where I was. Her pigtails were cute, even if they were matted with blood.

Once I was safe inside my house again, I took some time to look at the Tactical Sammich’s packaging. It’s a shiny brown package with a label on the front that says, “CMMG Small Arms ^and Sammiches Manufacturing”. The “^and Sammiches” part was inserted with cutesy font. I remembered the company from when I was shopping around for a 9mm to add to my collection. I bet they never figured their little gimmick would be taken seriously one day.

The back of the package describes the sandwich as “shelf stable pepperoni in bread”. Bread! I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had bread, but I could remember the lovely smell of it baking in my mother’s oven like it was yesterday. My mouth watered at the memory, even though my brain knew that whatever bread was actually in the Tactical Sammich wouldn’t exactly live up to my mother’s.

An interesting note: while the print-out claimed the Tactical Sammich had a shelf life of two years, there was no expiration date on the package. The one’s I’d taken from the dead guy’s house could have been sitting there for five weeks or five years. I had no way of knowing.

CMMG Pepperoni Tactical Sammich Outards

The first thing I noticed when I took the Tactical Sammich out of its sealed pouch was that it had a face. Two eyes, jagged teeth pattern forming a rictus smile, cracked skin…I shuddered. It took me a moment to compose myself. It looked too much like…

Well, after I got past the unintentional face, I was able to examine it more closely. The Tactical Sammich was about the same size as a Pop-Tart. The bread was unnaturally smooth and dense; it felt almost oily, but left no trace behind on my fingers.

CMMG Pepperoni Tactical Sammich Innards

When I cut it open, I was rather surprised at what I saw. The back of the package wasn’t kidding when it described the Sammich as “pepperoni in bread”. I’ve been taking some pictures with what’s left of the battery power in my camera; if anyone ever reads this, you can find pictures of the Tactical Sammich on it. As you can see, it looks like someone shoved a Slim Jim into two cheap hot dog buns that had been smashed together.

And that’s pretty much what it tasted like, too. Obviously, only one out of every three bites actually had the pepperoni in it, leaving the rest as mouthfuls of dense, mostly flavorless white bread. I worry that I might blow through my entire emergency water supply just trying to get these sammiches down my gullet.

Unfortunately, having my mouth full of gummy enriched flour was the best part of the meal. Having been at this whole survival thing for a while now, I have eaten my share of stale, expired Slim Jims, and that is exactly what the pepperoni in my Tactical Sammich was like. Leathery and yet greasy on the outside, skin shriveled, and very tough to bite through and chew. The pepperoni flavor was faint; I would describe it more accurately as faded. It was also bitter, and there was a lovely subtle aftertaste of dirt. There was nothing redeeming about this pepperoni stick.

And that is the long and short of the Tactical Sammich. Dense, flavorless bread and tough, heartburn-inducing, just plain bad-tasting pepperoni stick. No sauce, no cheese, nothing to tie the two together. If the Pepperoni Tactical Sammich was this bad, I can’t even imagine what was going on inside the Honey BBQ Beef. Now I know what really caused that old Vietnam vet to off himself.

You may think I’m being too critical of the Tactical Sammich. After all, the world as we knew it has essentially ended, they have taken over, and survival is next to impossible. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve eaten worse in my struggle to stay alive, and with a two-year shelf life, these Sammiches will help me to continue to exist for a while now, if they don’t get to me first. But I’m still a human being, last time I checked, and I still have a palate. I will choke down these “food” products because I have to. But that doesn’t mean I’ll like it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich (70 grams) – 270 calories, 130 calories from fat, 15 grams of total fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 4% calcium, and 8% iron.)

Item: CMMG Pepperoni Tactical Sammich
Price: $5.99
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at:
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Can help keep you alive. Dead guys with convenient stashes. Two year shelf life. Lucy.
Cons: Dense, flavorless bread. Employing overused tropes to write a review. Bitter, tough pepperoni. Them. No expiration date on the package.

NEWS: Taste Half of Baskin-Robbins’ 31 Flavors With Their Mini Cone Pack


I’ve always wanted to try all of Baskin-Robbins 31 flavors in one sitting. But I believe if there’s one thing that will piss off any Baskin-Robbins employee behind the counter it’s asking to sample all 31 flavors with their sample spoons or purchase a cup or cone of each flavor. Also, it’s extremely hard to carry 31 cups or cones of ice cream by myself, so I never attempted it.

However, Baskin-Robbins’ new Mini Cone Pack might make my brain freeze-inducing dream come true. The Mini Cones are customizable packs of 16 mini ice cream cones, which can be made up of any combination of Baskin-Robbins flavors and comes in a handy carrying tray. And if my math is correct, I can try all 31 flavors if I buy two packs.

If you feel bad about having a Baskin-Robbins employee scoop 16 different flavors for you to make a customized pack, you can also purchase ready-made Mini Cone variety packs, which have a mix of Mint Chocolate Chip, Very Berry Strawberry, Gold Medal Ribbon, and Rainbow Sherbet.

A Mini Cone Pack is priced at $9.99, but if you make a Baskin-Robbins employee scoop up 16 different flavors to make your own pack, might I suggest also leaving a 50 percent tip.

REVIEW: Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares Cereal

Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares

Eating high-fiber cereal has turned me into a cranky old lady. I’m not a fan of Fiber One cereal as a brand, so I wasn’t exactly excited to try this new variety, Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares. To be frank, this breakfast item’s only drawing power is the fact that it’s 80 calories per serving. So now it helps you shit and keeps you fit. We are indeed living in a golden age.

The problem I have with this brand is simple: Contrary to the ads, I can actually taste the fiber in Fiber One cereals. With this particular version, I had taken my cue from the appearance of the little cereal squares and was expecting something more along the lines of Golden Grahams, but alas, it was healthier than that. Much, much healthier. Which means not as delicious.

Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares may slightly mimic the flavor of Golden Grahams in much smaller-sized pieces, however, it looks a lot better than it tastes. The texture is grainy, bordering on cardboard. However, there is a light sweetness that almost rescues it from the depths of blandness. But what did I expect? It says right on the box that each serving contains 40 percent of your daily value of fiber. They ain’t Frosted Flakes.

I shouldn’t complain. Eating hearty, fiber-rich cereal will prolong my life, but dagnabbit, I really don’t care for the weird after-taste. It seriously ruins the experience. The more I chomp on each crunchy piece, the faster the sweetness evaporates, and I’m left with a mouthful of flavorless ground-up wheat particles. Ugh. Not to mention the other thing this cereal does. You know what I’m talking about. I’ll just say this — If you need that much help eliminating waste from your body, you have some serious problems that no amount of eensy-weensy golden fiber squares will fix on their own. Just… go take a freaking walk or something every now and then. Drink some water and eat a goddamn vegetable. Sorry, poop talk also brings out the grouch in me.

Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares Bowl

Which brings me to another point… Is there truly a need for Fiber One cereal that’s under 80 calories? I mean, you certainly can’t eat more than one serving of the original kind, and this leaner version is no different. You won’t get away with packing away half the box in one sitting. Try eating more than one serving of this cereal and see how long you can go before you’re doubled over with stomach cramps as the 10+ grams of fiber scour their way through your intestinal tract, leaving everything in their wake as clean as a whistle.

Fun times. In the john. On the bright side, you’re certain to feel much lighter. Wheee! Dieting is so easy! Now get off my lawn.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 80 calories, 5 calories from fat, 1 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams polyunsaturated fat, 70 milligrams of potassium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 40% calcium, 25% iron, and lots of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares Cereal
Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 11.75 ounces
Purchased at: Pavilions
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Chock-full of fiber. Shaped liked fun mini squares. Only 80 calories per serving. Slightly sweet with Golden Grahams-like flavor.
Cons: Cardboard-like texture. Cannot (and must not) capitalize on its low number of calories by eating more of it. Not as delicious as Golden Grahams. Cranky old ladies. Good for weight loss, but the first pounds you drop may be in the can.