The Week in Reviews – 1/24/2009

Product reviews from other blogs within the past week wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

It might be just me, but I think an unopened limited edition Obama-themed orange cola will have a higher resale value than a commemorative plate you can buy on QVC. (via The A.V. Club)

At least it’s not called Blowtonium. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Occasionally, when I visit Candy Blog, I end up licking my screen because of the photos Cybele takes. Thanks to her, I don’t have finger smudges on the front of my monitor, but I do have saliva dripping from the bottom of it. (via Candy Blog)

Energy strips than melt away on your tongue? We are now one step closer to energy enemas. (via Energy Fiend)

Oh, Kashi. When you take over the world with your seven whole grain army, it will be a healthier place. (via The Skinny Plate)

REVIEW: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink

As I type this, my heart is beating faster than usual.

It could be the 146 milligrams of caffeine I just consumed with the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink. Or it could be the alluring eyes and flowing hair of the twin-tailed siren in the Starbucks logo that is making my heart flutter and drawing me towards her to, perhaps, lead me to my watery grave or to wait in line at one of her stores to spend five dollars on a coffee made lovingly by a cute barista named Jennifer.

No! I must not give into her come-hither looks or else I will either end up in Davy Jones’s Locker or waste ten minutes of my life waiting in line listening to compilations of musicians that I have never heard of for a cup of coffee or a bottle Ethos Water.

Why, twin-tailed siren, must the company you represent make delicious, pricey coffee beverages? Why couldn’t you have represented a company that I wouldn’t have any contact with, like an inferior fish company on the East Coast or Circuit City?

I consumed an entire can of the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink. Does my ingestion of a creamy Starbucks product not satisfy you, she-fish? I even enjoyed it and it gave me such a good boost of energy that if there was a rickshaw nearby, I would be pulling it to wherever the caffeine, guarana, ginseng, and B Vitamins desired.

The red cinnamon and white vanilla made it feel like someone was celebrating Christmas in my mouth. It had a nice balance of cinnamon and vanilla, but together they did not make the coffee flavor their bitch, unlike what you’re doing to me with your cleavage between your flowing locks. I think they’re natural, but I must not look to find out if they’re real or else you will lure me into the underwater world of Snorkland or convince me purchase a Starbucks Rewards Card so that I can get two free consecutive hours of Wi-Fi every day.

What will it take for you to leave me alone and not convince me to drink more of your caffeinated beverages today, Starbucks logo? Tell me, fair maiden, so that I may bid you adieu.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 200 calories, 3 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 770 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 28 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 8% Vitamin A, 50% Vitamin C, 40% Calcium, 20% Vitamin D, 200% Riboflavin, 200% Niacin, 200% Vitamin B6, 100% Vitamin B12, 2000 milligrams of maltodextrin, 1800 milligrams of taurine, 450 milligrams of L-carnitine, 180 milligrams of inositol, 325 milligrams of panax ginseng, and 90 milligrams of guarana.)

(Editor’s Note: Look for this flavor in stores sometime in February. Thanks to the nice PR folks who sent this to us. Also, we reviewed the original Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drinks last year.)

Item: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink
Price: FREE (Retails for $2.59)
Size: 15 ounces
Purchased at: From nice PR people
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: It’s like Christmas in my mouth. Nice balance of cinnamon and vanilla, which doesn’t overpower the coffee. 146 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine gave me a good boost. No high fructose corn syrup. The Snorks.
Cons: Pricey (but isn’t everything from Starbucks). It’s 15 ounces and not 16 ounces. The alluring eyes, flowing hair, and cleavage of the twin-tailed siren in the Starbucks logo. Ending up in Davy Jones’s Locker.

NEWS: Makers of Hamburger Helper Give Some Glove Love To Asians

The only four-fingered pleasure I get from a glove is the one I get from Hamburger Helper.

They’re extremely easy to make, really tasty, and I get to use ground beef in ways I could never imagine. Betty Crocker has also done magic with other things on the food chain with her Tuna Helper and Chicken Helper. So I was excited when I found out about Betty Crocker’s Asian Helper, which will help bring a little bit more Asian persuasion into homes beyond watching Sandra Oh on Grey’s Anatomy.

Asian Helper comes in three varieties: Mongolian-Style Beef, Beef Fried Rice, and Chicken Fried Rice.

REVIEW: Bolletje Bröd In De Melk Chocola

I like to think of myself as an Asian Anthony Bourdain because I like to try things from other lands and I have a penchant for profanity and sexual references.

However, due to the lack of a passport and my fear of a TSA cavity search, I haven’t traveled to other lands, but thanks to the postal system I can try items from around the world. I’ve tried pear sparkling water from the UK, cucumber-flavored soda from Japan, jalapeno SPAM spread from Mexico, soap from Ireland, and cereal from the Degobah system.

With my consumption of the the Bolletje Bröd In De Melk Chocola from the Netherlands, I can now carve out another notch in my foreign product review bedpost.

Since I didn’t understand 99 percent of the words on the box, except perhaps for “melk” and “chocola,” I assumed that this was either cereal with chocolate or mini elk with chocolate cola before I opened it. Thankfully, it was the former because the only three-letter animals I eat are cow, pig, and when I’m playing the home version of Survivor — bat.

When I found out Bolletje Bröd In De Melk Chocola contained chocolate covered pieces of cereal, I thought it was going to be the GREATEST CEREAL EVAR — replacing Count Chocula. But after several spoonfuls, it was relegated to Best Cereal I’ve Had With Dutch Words on It, which really doesn’t mean much since it’s the ONLY cereal I’ve had with Dutch words on it.

There were two types of cereal: plain and chocolate covered. The plain cereal, which significantly outnumbered the chocolate-covered ones, had a hard, lightly sweetened exterior, but the inside was like an unsalted saltine. The hard outer shell made it hard for the cereal to get soggy in melk, but if there was a crack in the shell they quickly got melk-logged. The chocolate-covered pieces had a firm, semi-sweet chocolate exterior and when eaten by themselves they were not bad. However, when the two are combined they form a bland cereal that will disappoint fat kids and overweight product review bloggers with a sweet tooth.

(Wat je moet weten – 35 grams – 130 kcal of energie, 3.5 grams of eiwitten, 27 grams of koolhydraten, 7 grams of waarvan suiker, 1.8 grams of vet, 0.5 grams of waarvan verzadigd, 2.5 grams of voedingsvezels, and 0.09 grams of natrium.)

(Editor’s Note: A big thanks to long-time TIB reader Fatyoli for sending me this product from the Netherlands.)

Item: Bolletje Bröd In De Melk Chocola
Price: FREE
Size: 350 grams
Purchased at: Given by TIB reader Fatyoli
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Best Cereal I’ve Had With Dutch Words on It. Hard outer shell laughs in the face of melk. Chocolate-covered pieces were not bad by themselves. 3.5 grams of eiwitten.
Cons: Bland tasting. Inner cereal crumbles in the face of milk. Chocolate covered pieces weren’t as chocolatey as I hoped. TSA cavity searches.

NEWS: Crest Wants to Make Sure You Can Do Almost Anything While Whitening Your Teeth

Do you drink a lot of coffee? Do you enjoy sucking on a squid’s ink teat?

Then your teeth could use a good whitening and for years Crest and other oral hygiene companies have been providing home teeth whitening kits.

The problem with regular Crest Whitestrips was that you couldn’t do much with your mouth while they were in there. Have a conversation with someone? Drink a glass of water? Lip sync and dance to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)”? Oral sex? None of that was possible with the original Whitestrips.

Crest recently announced their new Whitestrips Advanced Seal, which provides easier application, a stronger grip, form fitting, and cleaner removal than the regular Crest Whitestrips. I tried the original Whitestrips and they did significantly whiten my teeth to match my pale skin. Although, I didn’t like the film they left on my teeth after I removed them. Hopefully, the Advanced Seal version will solve that problem and my desire to lip sync and dance to Beyonce songs. A 14-day supply will cost you about $45.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box $2.99 Jumbo Deal (Jumbaco)

Dear Jack in the Box $2.99 Jumbo Deal,

By the time you read this, I’ll be eating a salad with a low-fat balsamic vinaigrette. I apologize for doing this, but it’s something I had to do for the both of us. I know this might come as a bit of a surprise to you, especially because you’re so cheap and mostly delicious, but I need to be far away from you as possible. I think you’re wonderful and me love you long time, but I don’t think we’re right for each other.

First of all, we’re not very compatible. With 2,178 milligrams of sodium, you’re a salt lick and that does not go well with my high blood pressure. You like clogging my arteries and I like them unclogged so that I can properly distribute blood throughout my body. Heck, we don’t even enjoy the same types of movies and music. I still don’t understand your fascination with Pokemon movies and your love for the Jonas Brothers. Also, what’s up with you and all those Betamax tapes?

My gut tells me that I should be with you every day, but my heart says the opposite. And I’m going to listen to my heart because if I were to stay with you, there’s no way my heart would be able to take it.

You have to admit that we met under desperate situations. I only had $3.25 in my wallet and you needed a gimmick that would encourage people to spend money during these tight times. Your Jumbo Jack, two beef tacos and small order of natural cut fries for $2.99 is hard to resist. Your Jumbo Jack is delicious because it’s so simple. It’s just a beef patty with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, mayo and ketchup in between a bun. Your natural cut fries are decent fare because they’re a bit too soggy for my tastes. And your beef tacos are probably the worst fast food tacos ever, but combined with the other two for a $2.99 price tag makes me forget that they’re greasier than a used Yugo salesman. In the end, I guess you only loved me for my money, no matter how small of an amount it was.

Anyway, I want to eat other cheap meals that won’t make my heart explode…if I can find some. But if you like, we can still be friends with benefits. So maybe once in awhile, when I want to be naughty, I can come over and nibble at you. Let me know if you would be willing to do that.

So take care of yourself and good luck.

Sincerely,

Marvo

PS – I went down on a Whopper and Big Mac at the same time while we were together.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Jumbo Deal – 1236 calories, 66 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 8 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 2178 milligrams of sodium, 1591 milligrams of potassium, 122 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 35 grams of protein.)

(Editor’s Note: Here’s another review of the Jumbo Deal by someone else who lives on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.)

Item: Jack in the Box $2.99 Jumbo Deal
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cheap and mostly delicious. Jumbo Jack is tasty. Fries are decent. Great source of protein. Great for a cheap date. Friends with benefits.
Cons: Extremely unhealthy. Does not include drink. Does not include Accupril (high blood pressure medication). Jack in the Box tacos are the worst fast food tacos. Jonas Brothers. Pokemon movies. Used Yugo salesmen.