Del Taco Crispy Jalapeno Rings

“Why would we fry a jalapeno?”

That was the response I got from the first Del Taco I went to. And it pretty much sums the crazy world of the fast food arms race that we live in. It took me four Del Taco’s and a gallon of gas before I finally arrived at a location that sold these mysterious treats. The Del Taco’s that don’t sell these looked at me like I was either insane or pulling a stupid prank. The Del Taco that did sell these things pimped them out like Christmas had come early. They are red and green, I suppose.

After realizing that I put far too much time and effort into finding something that most stoners have already made at home, I was finally able to try one of these crispy rings. My first mistake was popping one in my mouth while I was driving back home. Not only did the oil scorch my soft palate, but the combination of heat and fat managed to squeeze through my blood within a matter of seconds. I clutched at my heart as I felt a sharp sting run through my chest, nearly barreling off the road.

Don’t eat these while you’re driving.

I somehow made it home and opened the bag to find a meager box of deep-fried jalapeno slices that looked pretty sad and lonely in there. I looked through the rest of the bag incredulously, wondering why I paid $1.79 for what amounts to three jalapenos and a tablespoon of flour and water. I eventually got over it and ate a few more pieces before my body forced me to stop. The slices have been pickled, so you’ll get some moisture once you bite past the crispy-as-advertised outer batter. Other than that, they’re just fried jalapenos that will almost certainly give you nausea or a stomachache if you eat the whole thing.

I should note that it comes with what is advertised as a white “secret sauce” that looks and tastes just like Trader Joe’s tahini sauce. That is to say, it pretty much tastes like watered down yogurt. I would tell you what it tastes like with some ranch dipping sauce, but Del Taco doesn’t have that and basically shut me down when I asked. Bastards!

Stick with jalapeno poppers for now. They might not come in festive colors, but at least you’ll have some cream cheese to cheer your up.

Item: Del Taco Crispy Jalapeno Rings
Price: $1.79
Purchased at: Del Taco
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Batter stays extremely crispy for a while. Jalapeno slices are plenty spicy. Comes in two colors.
Cons: Pricey for the amount you get. Special sauce does not taste very special. The feeling inside of your body after consuming deep fried jalapenos.

Oxi Clean Detergent With Toss-n-Go Dispenser

I purchased the Oxi Clean Detergent With Toss-n-Go Dispenser about two years ago.

I ended up not reviewing it after seeing it was “Reduced for Quick Sale” a week after purchasing it, which usually means a product is near its expiration date or a product just sucks. Since laundry detergent doesn’t really have an expiration date, I figured it was the latter. However, just like cockroaches, crocodiles and Paris Hilton’s celebrity, it somehow has been able to survive and I continue to see it on store shelves.

The product consists of a solid ball of Oxi Clean detergent, which is placed into a white liner, and then placed into the blue Toss-n-Go dispenser. The white liner prevents the detergent ball of dissolving quickly, but I think it does its job too well. On the packaging it says it can do over 25 loads of laundry, but on and off for the past two years I’ve probably done about twenty loads with it and not much of the detergent ball has dissolved, which makes me wonder if my clothes are actually being cleaned. Although, if they aren’t being cleaned, it would explain why sometimes women keep a certain distance away from me. I thought it was me staring at their breasts, but it could’ve been the Oxi Clean detergent.

I’m not much of a fan of powdered detergent and it turns out that I’m also not a fan of solid detergent, because with both I can’t pretreat stains, like lipstick on my collar, some kind of bodily fluid on my pants, or the Asian buy-me-drinkie girl attached to my wallet. The Oxi Clean detergent also doesn’t have a scent, which wouldn’t usually bother me since I use the Method Free + Clear odorless detergent, but because I’m not sure if it’s cleaning my fine silk leopard-print thongs, I would at least want it to smell like it’s cleaning my fine silk leopard-print thongs.

One of the main appeals of the Oxi Clean Detergent With Toss-n-Go Dispenser is the fact that you can leave it in your washing machine. Unfortunately, I live in an apartment complex with a washing machine and dryer I have to share with everyone on my floor, so it’s hard to keep it in there. Although, I’m not really too fond of this product, so I think I might just leave it in there and hopefully someone steals it.

Item: Oxi Clean Detergent With Toss-n-Go Dispenser
Price: $9.99
Size: 1 ball/1 dispenser
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Can leave in washing machine, if you have your own washing machine. Odorless. My fine silk leopard-print thongs.
Cons: The slow dissolving of product makes me wonder if it’s actually working. Can’t pretreat stains. Staring at women’s breasts for too long. Paris Hilton will never die. Trying to get rid of Asian buy-me-drinkie girl attached to wallet.

Jamba Juice White Gummi

White or clear gummi bears are a rare species, despite being around as long as other species of gummi bears. It seems like every time I find myself among a sloth of gummi bears, there are hardly any white gummi bears around. Perhaps they are endangered or because of their semi-clear bodies they blend into their environment, making them hard to see, or maybe they like to stay hidden because they are embarrassed by their semen-like color.

They say the white gummi bear is the least ferocious among the different varieties. When faced with danger, it prefers to use diplomacy and gifts rather than its claws and teeth in a fight. It chooses this route because it doesn’t like to see the money it spent on manicures and teeth whitening to go to waste, and it doesn’t like blood because it can easily become stained on its clear coat. If diplomacy and gifts don’t work, the white gummi bear will show its teeth and consult with its lawyer to find out what actions it should take. The lack of violence is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of sophistication.

With their clear bodies, white gummi bears are masters of concealment, and if you do catch a glimpse of an adult during the day, it’s generally not doing very much at all, just watching soap operas and talk shows. Adults are generally solitary, much more secretive than red or green gummi bears and are considered the emo members of the group. Because of their stealth, white gummi bears — not surprisingly — are the least known of all gummi bears and are no fun to play hide-and-seek with.

White gummi bears are also the least popular among all other gummi bears, usually because they lack a “fun color” that makes the homies say “ho” and the girlies wanna scream, and because they are snobby assholes. Despite being stuck up, the semen-colored, pineapple-flavored white gummi bear is my favorite and I am notorious for pulling all of them out of a big bag of gummi bears, keeping them for myself.

Over the years, I’ve heard rumors of a white gummi bear flavored Jamba Juice smoothie that’s part of a “secret menu” that you won’t find on the menu board and also involves a secret handshake and password. So I put on my best safari khaki outfit and journeyed out in search of the elusive Jamba Juice White Gummi, which turned out to be not so elusive since I was able to order it at the first Jamba Juice I went to.

The Jamba Juice White Gummi tasted exactly like a white gummi bear and it was damn good…and damn sweet. It was so sweet that I’m surprised my teeth didn’t rot away while sucking it down. After doing some research, it turns out that the smoothie consists of peach juice, raspberry sherbet, lime sherbet, pineapple sherbet, and mango, which sounds healthy, but with all the sherbet included, it probably has enough sugar to power a small home, if that home was powered by a little boy on a treadmill who was fed the Jamba Juice White Gummi.

Item: Jamba Juice White Gummi
Price: $4.95
Size: 30 ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a white gummi bear. Really good. Knowing what a group of bears is called. Saving on your energy bill by having a home powered by a little boy on a treadmill.
Cons: Really sweet. It’s probably extremely bad for you. Not on menu board at Jamba Juice. White gummi bears are no fun to play hide-and-seek with. Might not be available at all Jamba Juice locations. White gummi bears being semen colored.

Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops

Every time I try to eat the Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops, my stomach gets a funny feeling. I don’t feel this way because of how they taste, instead it’s because when I eat one of their Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops, the image of multiple muffin tops jiggle around in my head. When I say “muffin tops,” I’m not talking about the remnants of a baked goodie after a Sylar-like cutting off of its top, I’m talking about the overflow of flesh seen when a tight pair of jeans is wrapped around a body that is a little too big for it.

It would be semi-all right if it were images of women with their guts hanging over the edge of their jeans, but unfortunately it’s mostly images of dudes with the physique of Chris Farley. So you can understand why I have an arduous time trying to eat a set of these mini muffin tops. Not even a variety of toppings or the finest Canadian Maple Syrup could make these go down easier while thinking about male muffin tops that flap around in Baywatch-slow motion.

If I didn’t have images of large male bellies wiggling around in tight jeans in my head, I would probably have to say that these Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops were good. Each set comes with four mini muffin tops, which were each about an inch and half in diameter. It toasted very nicely and it ended up with a slightly crispy outside and fluffy inside. Its taste was very similar to blueberry pancakes, which I do enjoy. However, because they’re convex in shape, most of any topping you put on it tends to roll off and end up on your plate.

So who am I going to blame for preventing me from fully enjoying these Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops? I could blame the fast food industry for making our waist sizes larger. Or I could point my finger at fashion designers who make hip-hugging jeans in sizes they shouldn’t. But I’m going to blame the asshole who came up with the idea for muffin tops because if there weren’t muffin tops to begin with, society would’ve probably named the overflow of fat something else, like mushroom waist or sign of future heart disease.

It’s probably the same douchebag who also invented doughnut holes.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 set of 4 – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 11 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, a variety of vitamins and minerals, and many images of male bellies jiggling in my head.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Carolanne for recommending this product and for filling my head with images of big men in tight jeans.)

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops
Price: $3.50
Size: 8 sets
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. Taste like blueberry pancakes. Toasted very nicely, ending up with a slightly crispy outside and fluffy inside. Vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Images of the male bellies jiggling in my head. People in tight jeans who shouldn’t wear tight jeans. Its shape tends to cause toppings to roll off. The asshole who came up with the idea for muffin tops. No dietary fiber.

The Week in Reviews – 9/27/2008

Sorry for the lack of reviews this week, but I figured the horror of the Cocoa Puffs video would make you forget that we did only two reviews. To make up for it, here are a few links to some of my favorite reviews this week from other blogs.

The Playboy Sugar Free Energy Drink is apparently much better than a Playboy Silicone Free Magazine Issue. (via Energy Drink Ratings)

Are you fucking kidding me? Caffeinated oatmeal? Well if it makes Wilford Brimley more exciting than he is now, so be it. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Even if they’re caramel apple flavored, the only thing candy corn is good for is making Trick-or-Treaters sad and ensuring they don’t come back to your house next Halloween. (via Candyblog)

If they made energy drinks in the 1980s, this is what the cans would look like. (via Energy Drink Reviews

Claim Jumper frozen meals now come with less packaging. Whoop-di-doo! How about Claim Jumper frozen meals with less salt, saturated fat, and prices that don’t increase the possibility that banks may foreclose my meal. (via Cheap Eats)