REVIEW: Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist

Excuse me. Do you like children? You do! Great! So why don’t you, me, and those twins on your chest have a fun family outing back at my place?

Oh, hello there!

I’m just testing out the new Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist. It not only helps freshen my breath, it also helps me as I practice my pick up lines in the mirror. It’s like Binaca, except in a plastic container that looks like a cigar cutter or a tool used for circumcisions.

I’ve also been thinking about adding the Listerine PocketMist to my usual routine when I’m picking up women at a bar or club, which goes something like this:

1. See woman.
2. Spray Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist into my mouth.
3. Walk over the woman.
4. Tap woman on the shoulder.
5. Use AWESOME pickup line.
6. Get napkins to wipe off the drink the woman threw at my face.
7. Pretend she didn’t just kick me in the balls.
8. See another woman.
9. Repeat.

Just a little warning for you guys who plan to use my picking-up-women routine, it works best in a bar or club, but definitely doesn’t work well at coffee shops, because they have better lighting than a bar or club and coffee is really hot. Also, keep away from tea houses as well.

Despite the minty fresh flavor not lasting very long and not producing a nasal-clearing sensation like Listerine PocketPaks, I think the Listerine PocketMist would totally compliment the AWESOME pick up lines I use. For example:

Excuse me. Are you a pirate? No? Well then, what are you doing with that big booty?

Oh yeah! Yahtzee!

Sure I might get a few slaps in the face or a restraining order, but all I need is one “yes.” Hey, it took Colonel Sanders hundreds of times before someone bought his chicken recipe and it also took Thomas Edison hundreds of times before he perfected the light bulb.

My pick-up routine is not only for guys, but women can use it as well. Here’s a great pick up line you women can use on men.

Excuse me, I’m REALLY thirst. Do you mind if I suck on your six-pack abs?

The Listerine PocketMist not only might help you women when picking up men, it might also come in handy to repel men. If you don’t have any pepper spray handy or if you’re tired of kicking guys in the nuts, just spray some of it into the guy’s face and watch them squirm. It will deter guys with extremely greasy hair, too much cologne, missing teeth, or cheesy pick up lines.

Item: Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist
Purchase Price: $2.99 (from
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Gives temporary fresh breath. Also works as a way to repel guys with cheesy pick up lines. Good for 140 sprays or one day of practicing pick up lines in the mirror. My pick up lines.
Cons: Fresh breath feeling lasts only for several minutes. Not as strong as Listerine PocketPaks. Restraining orders. Using pick up lines on women as coffee shops.

Bear Creek Ready to Serve Chicken Noodle Soup

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to the last day of Sick Week here at the Impulsive Buy. Sick Week was just like being actually sick. It lasted longer than it should’ve, medication could’ve only given temporary relief of how crappy it was, and it was something you wouldn’t want to share with anyone. Enjoy.)

Being the extremely desperate eligible bachelor that I am, I usually have the urge to pass on the option of using plates, bowls, or utensils, because I hate getting dishpan hands and I’m afraid I might accidently use my New Kids on the Block commemorative ceramic plates, which would lower their value, except the Danny Wood plate since it never had any value to begin with.

Trying not use any dishes or utensils isn’t difficult. It definitely doesn’t come close to being as hard as my quest to become a Pokemon champion or Paris Hilton’s quest to find pets ugly enough to make her look decent.

Almost any body part can be used as either a plate, bowl, or utensil. My thighs make great plates whenever I’m sitting down and eating toast, my pointer finger and middle finger make good chopsticks, and a cupped hand makes a decent shot glass.

I call my dish-less technique, “medieval-like efficiency.” My mom calls it laziness. My ex-girlfriend probably called it “Oh-You-Are-So-Dumped.”

However, there are foods out there that force me to use dishes or utensils, like soup.

Sure I could open up a can of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup, but how would I heat it up without using a pot and how can I prevent my lips from getting cut on the rim of the soup can when I don’t want to use a spoon?

Thank goodness for the Bear Creek Ready to Serve Chicken Noodle Soup, which comes in bag that allows me to continue my plate-less bachelor lifestyle, so I don’t have to wash any dishes and it gives me more time to weep over the fact that I’m bachelor.

The instructions were so simple and the microwaveable bag was so easy to eat out of that it might make others want to experience medieval-like efficiency. Just cut off the top of the bag, heat the bag in the microwave for 3.5 to 4 minutes, let it sit for a minutes to cool, and just pour the delicious soup into your mouth. It’s so simple that even a heiress to a hotel empire who buys ugly pets could do it.

The hearty noodles, chunks of vegetables, and big chunks of chicken were filling. The broth was pretty tasty. It definitely wasn’t like some pussy Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. Although, the soup was high in sodium, but then again, just like Christmas shoppers waiting forever in long lines, all packaged soups are salty.

Item: Bear Creek Ready to Serve Chicken Noodle Soup
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Hearty chicken, noodles, and vegetables. Microwavable bag. Can eat it straight from the bag. No need for a bowl or a spoon. Great for medieval-like efficient people.
Cons: Bag might need to be trimmed more for smaller microwaves. High in sodium. The value of my Danny Wood New Kids on the Block commemorative ceramic plate.

SudaCare Shower Soothers

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Day Two of Cold Week here at the Impulsive Buy. Just to let you know, I was sick at home the other week, hence the cold products to review this week. The product for today’s review was suggested by Impulsive Buy reader, Josh, who was curious to know if today’s product worked after seeing a commercial for it on television.

I also sometimes am curious about a product after seeing its commercial, like those UPS “What can brown do for you?” ads. When I see them I wonder stuff like, “Can brown deliver a pizza to me?” or “Can brown sharpen my pencils?” or “Can brown defeat hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi?”)

Depending on whether you’re hungry or full, each SudaCare Shower Soothers tablet either looks like a gigantic blue Smarties or a big Alka-Seltzer.

However, unlike Smarties and Alka-Seltzer, the Shower Soothers aren’t meant to be consumed orally. Instead they work by using the stream of water from your shower to turn that big blue tablet into soothing vapors of eucalyptus, menthol, and camphor to give you temporary comfort when you’re congested.

It basically can clear your sinuses much like a Halls drop, a bowl of spicy curry, or sitting in the restroom stall next to the Incredible Hulk while he’s taking a crap.

The Shower Soothers are produced by every 70-year-old horndog’s friend, Pfizer, which explains the blue color and my urge to get it on with Estelle Getty. Each tablet lasts for about five minutes in the shower, which is about four minutes longer than I would last if I got it on with Estelle Getty.

While using the product in the shower, I could smell the eucalyptus, menthol, and camphor vapors, but they weren’t as powerful as I hoped they would be.

A few minutes after stepping out of the shower, there was this warm soothing feeling on my chest and upper back. It felt like someone rubbed Ben Gay on me or like Estelle Getty passed out on top of me after making sweet, sweet love.

Unfortunately, the Shower Soothers didn’t help with my congested nose, congested chest, or my penile dysfunction. I think a Halls drop does a much better job.

The Shower Soothers may have not worked for me, but I think the eucalyptus in it would be great for koalas who want to create a eucalyptus vapor chamber to get high.

Item: SudaCare Shower Soothers
Purchase Price: $5.38 (3-pack)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Looks like a gigantic blue Smarties. Tablet lasts for about five minutes in the shower. Warm soothing feeling after stepping out of the shower. Eucalyptus might be enjoyed by koalas.
Cons: Faint vapors. A Halls drop can do a better job. Sitting in the stall next to the Incredible Hulk.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Um, Sick Week will continue next week, because I kind of forgot that it’s Thanksgiving Week. Plus, I’m flying to Los Angeles today and I’ll be there until Sunday. But I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and let everyone know that tryptophan is your friend. Don’t fight it, invite it.

Oh, for those of you in other countries who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, Happy (insert your country’s closest recognized holiday)!

If you need a review fix, I’ve started something at the OTHER blog called Haiku Review. The products used for the Haiku Review are ones that won’t be reviewed here at the Impulsive Buy, either because I’m lazy or they were the losers in my product elections. (Hmm…I haven’t had one of those in awhile.)

Anyway, once again, Happy Thanksgiving!

Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Cold Week here at the Impulsive Buy. This week the Impulsive Buy will be reviewing products that you can use whenever you catch a cold. They are also products that you might want to think about putting in your shopping cart, just in case you’re pretending to be sick and you happen to run into your boss at the grocery store.)

God, I can’t find the hole!

Where’s the damn hole?

I can’t get it into the hole!

Why does this always happen to me? I can’t get it in the hole when I play golf. Can’t get the small straw into the hole of boxed juices. I can’t even get it into the right hole when I’m with a woman.

Now I can’t find the hole for this box of Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup. I’m so bad with getting things into holes, I’m surprised that I get food into my piehole.

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it isn’t like a boxed juice and there isn’t a hole in the soup box. I guess if there was a hole, the Campbell’s Select Gold Label soup would’ve came with one of those rinky-dink boxed juice straws that makes my hands look really big and makes men with really small penises feel better about themselves.

Since there wasn’t a hole and I was hungry for soup, there was only one way I could think of to get some soup in my belly…Make my own hole and suck it up, shotgun-style. Woo!!!

Unfortunately, boxed soup tastes better when heated up and the chunks of roasted red peppers clogged up the hole I made with a small Phillips screwdriver.

After making the hole bigger and being disappointed about not being able to get the soup through the hole I originally made, I poured the rest of the soup into a pot and warmed it up over medium heat.

(Editor’s Note: Hey, remember the show Alice? I remember this one episode where a customer came into Mel’s Diner and asked if a cup of hot water was free. Mel said it was and gave him a cup of hot water. Then the customer asked if the ketchup was free. Mel said it was and gave him a bottle of ketchup. Then the customer pours the free ketchup into the free cup of hot water and makes free tomato soup. HA! That was such a classic!)

The warmed-up Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup was pretty tasty. The chipotle peppers in the soup gave it a very mild kick, but it wasn’t as even close to being spicy hot as some of the other products I’ve had with chipotle peppers.

I hate to say this, but even a drunk Anna Nicole Smith was hotter than this soup.

Well at least the soup doesn’t have the preservatives and artificial flavors like a drunk Anna Nicole Smith does. Also, unless Anna Nicole gets drunk off of Bloody Maries, the soup will also gives me a serving of vegetables.

However, with 870 milligrams of sodium per serving, the Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup is just as salty as a drunk Anna Nicole.

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to Pel, Meg, and TaikoG for being selected as the winners of this month’s prize drawing. Pel and Meg will each receive a Hefty Serve ‘n’ Store plate and bowl set, which they can use, wash, reuse, and repeat. TaikoG will receive a copy of the book Stooples: Office Tools for Hopeless Fools, which TaikoG can either read and keep, or read and re-gift. Thank you to all who participated.

Item: Campbell’s Select Gold Label Roasted Red Pepper & Tomato Soup
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. No preservatives and artificial flavors. 4 grams of dietary fiber. Low fat.
Cons: Not as spicy as I hoped with the chipotle peppers. No hole for straw. Hard to shotgun. A drunk Anna Nicole Smith is hotter than the soup. My inability to put things in holes. 870 milligrams of sodium per serving.