REVIEW: Mtn Dew Green Label

Mtn Dew Green Label

Kiwis and I had a pretty good relationship.

I’ve always wanted to visit New Zealand, kiwi birds are my favorite animals, and during elementary school lunchtime I would’ve happily traded a Ziploc full of half-crushed Oreo cookies (worth more in those days than gold dust) for a Strawberry Kiwi Capri-Sun.

But that relationship was tested when I was forced to watch a peer eat an entire kiwi fruit like an apple—a grueling sight that would make the Ludovico Technique feel like Sesame Street. I understand that many of you will probably defend this practice, but let me tell you, when I cracked open my can of green apple kiwi-flavored Mtn Dew Green Label, all I could hear was the haunting crunch of canine teeth piercing hairy kiwi skin.

I think I want my baggy of sandwich cookie smithereens back.

Despite these preexisting prejudices, I will give Green Label some credit: its premise is more interesting than Mtn Dew White Label, which was essentially a white grape sequel to Black Label that tasted more like a Phantom Menace-esque prequel. I had hopes that Green Label would close Dew’s first Label trilogy off right, mostly because the stuff is the same color as Luke’s lightsaber in Return of the Jedi.

Mtn Dew Green Label 2

Seriously, this stuff is green: greener than Kermit the Frog after too many Midori and Ecto-Cooler mixers. But even though it’s about 50 shades of Oz darker than original Mountain Dew, my first sip of Green Label just tasted like watered down Dew. It took a few swirls, swishes, and elevated pinky fingers before Green Label’s tarter green apple notes began to develop behind its syrupy lemon-lime base.

Despite its largely natural ingredients, this soda doesn’t taste much like a real green apple. I know: big surprise coming from a fine beverage brand that pairs with authentically cheese flavored hors d’oeuvres like Doritos. Green Label’s mild carbonation sort of mimics the refreshing crispness of a Granny Smith, but the drink’s leading fruit flavor is closer to an artificial green apple candy.

On a scale of “Green Apple Skittle” (that filthy, lime-killing Brutus) to “Green Apple Jolly Rancher,” Mtn Dew Green Label’s tasty tanginess is about a “Green Laffy Taffy.” Not too sweet, not too biting, this green apple flavor is pleasantly juicy, but still tragically underpowered compared to the core Dew taste.

Speaking of oppressed flavors in a puppet Dew-mocracy, Green Label’s faint kiwi taste only emerges near the tail end of every gulp. Its lightly floral, tropical melon twist reminds me of a Strawberry Kiwi Propel, and my secret conspiracy theory is that PepsiCo diluted Green Label with that very same electrolyte drink —- hence why it’s kind of watery.

Mtn Dew Green Label 3

But even if this Dew is nefariously spiked with the kiwi-flavored stuff plants crave, it’s still worth trying for the aftertaste alone. For a brief, magical moment at each sip’s end, Green Label’s apple and kiwi flavors merge to produce a delightfully sweet, trachea-crackling fruit cocktail that tastes like green Wonka Fun Dip.

Seriously, if I could bottle just that fleeting flavor, I’d have something more addictive than Soylent Green with a side of Green Eggs & Ham.

Overall, Mtn Dew Green Label’s advertised flavors may be too mild and washed out, but in those rare instances when both green apple and kiwi work, they work memorably enough that your taste buds will want to frame them right next to your uvula.

To use another Force-sensitive analogy: if White Label is the Jar Jar Binks to Black Label’s Qui Gon Jinn, then I think we found his soda Obi-Wan.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 140 calories, 0 grams of fat, 80 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 35 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1.79
Size: 16 fl oz. can
Purchased at: Meijer
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Straight-off-the-Lik-a-Stix aftertastes. The surprisingly palatable union of Laffy Taffy and power sports beverages. Enjoying the taste of plain Dew enough to like this stuff regardless. Having cheese platters on hand for emergencies. Using “trachea-crackling” as a compliment.
Cons: Authoritarian lemon-lime Dew-tatorships. Watered-down sugar water. Meek apple-kiwi wallflowers. The non-existence of fancy Limburger Doritos to pair this with. Et tu, Skittles?

SPOTTED ON SHELVES – 4/18/2017

Here are some interesting new and limited edition products found on store shelves by us and your fellow readers. If you’ve tried any of the products, share your thoughts about them in the comments.

Mrs Paul s Nacho and Ranch Fish Sticks

Mrs. Paul’s Nacho and Ranch Fish Sticks

100% Real Fish. 100% More Appealing Than Gorton’s. 110% More Appealing Than Van de Kamp’s. 66% Accuracy In This Caption. (Spotted by Robert M at Publix.)

Pepperidge Farm Swirl Oatmeal Hearty Breakfast Bread  Maple  Brown Sugar and Apple  Cinnamon

Pepperidge Farm Swirl Oatmeal Hearty Breakfast Bread (Maple & Brown Sugar and Apple & Cinnamon)

Those are two common oatmeal flavors. How about using two uncommon oatmeal flavors next time? (Spotted by Dubba at Market Basket.)

Mrs Thinster s Coconut Fudge and Special Dark Coconut Fudge Cookie Thins

Mrs. Thinster’s Coconut Fudge and Special Dark Coconut Fudge Cookie Thins

(Spotted by Sylvia at Ralphs.)

Melster Candies Circus Peanuts Rainbow Pack

Melster Candies Circus Peanuts Rainbow Pack!

BONUS! That clown on the bag ending up in your nightmares! (Spotted by Anonymous at Dollar Tree.)

Sam s Choice Brown Sugar  Molasses and Vegetarian Baked Beans

Sam’s Choice Brown Sugar & Molasses and Vegetarian Baked Beans

Sam s Choice Original and BBQ Baked Beans

Sam’s Choice Original and BBQ Baked Beans

(Spotted by Amanda Y at Walmart.)

Kraft Dressing Made With Olive Oil  Caesar Creamy Italian and Ranch

Kraft Dressing Made With Olive Oil (Caesar, Creamy Italian, and Ranch)

Kraft Indulgence Dressing  Bistro Bacon Ranch and Creamy Blue Cheese

Kraft Indulgence Dressing (Bistro Bacon Ranch and Creamy Blue Cheese)

Great Value Chive and Onion Dressing BBQ Ranch Dressing

Great Value Chive and Onion Dressing BBQ Ranch Dressing

Great Value Spicy Italian Vinaigrette

Great Value Spicy Italian Vinaigrette

So many ways to dress a salad. (Spotted by Amanda Y at Walmart.)

Thank you to all the photo contributors! If you’re out shopping and see an interesting new product on the shelf, snap a picture of it, and send us an email ([email protected]) with where you found it and “Spotted” in the subject line. Or reply to us (@theimpulsivebuy) on Twitter with the photo, where you spotted it, and the hashtag #spotted. If you do so, you might see your picture in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

Also, if you want to send in photos and are wondering if we’ve already covered something, don’t worry about it. Let us worry about it.

FAST FOOD NEWS: Burger King Steakhouse King

Burger King Steakhouse King

Burger King’s newest flame-grilled burger is the Steakhouse King. For those of you familiar with BK lore know that “Steakhouse” is a name the chain has brought out from their trademark portfolio a few times.

Unlike previous Steakhouse burgers, which used special beef patties, the Steakhouse King uses two Whopper patties. The new burger is topped with three half-strips of thick-cut smoked bacon, A.1. Thick & Hearty sauce, crispy onion strips, American cheese, and mayonnaise on a sesame seed bun.

The burger has 1100 calories, 75 grams of fat, 24 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 180 milligrams of cholesterol, 1620 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 13 grams of sugar, and 50 grams of protein.

If you’ve tried it, let us know what you think of it in the comments.

(Image via Burger King’s website)

SPOTTED ON SHELVES: Starbucks Cubano and Espresso and Salted Caramel Cream Doubleshot Espresso

Starbucks Cubano and Espresso and Salted Caramel Cream Doubleshot Espresso

If you’re unfamiliar with Cubano espresso, here’s a link to its Wikipedia page. If you’re unfamiliar with the Japanese rock band Bump of Chicken, here’s a link to their Wikipedia page. (Spotted by Caitlin J at Walmart.)

If you’re out shopping and see an interesting new product on the shelf, snap a picture of it, and send us an email ([email protected]) with where you found it and “Spotted” in the subject line. Or reply to us (@theimpulsivebuy) on Twitter with the photo, where you spotted it, and the hashtag #spotted. If you’ve tried the product, share your thoughts about it in the comments.

Also, if you want to send in photos and are wondering if we’ve already covered something, don’t worry about it. Let us worry about it.

PODCAST: The Nosh Show #102 Weirder and Weirder

In this episode, Dubba, Ryan, and I talk about White Pumpkin Pie M&M’s in April, pancake-flavored English muffins, Taco Bell’s Mexican Crispy Chicken Pizza, Burger King’s Froot Loops Shake, a new segment, Ryan’s trip to Dunkin’ Donuts HQ, and more.

Listen to the episode RIGHT NOW by using the player below:

Links to the products we talk about are available at thenoshshow.com/102/.

You can subscribe to The Nosh Show on iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, TuneIn or via RSS.

If you want to help The Nosh Show and subscribe to the show on iTunes, please take a few moments to rate the show there.

Thanks for listening!