Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief

Jockey Next To Nothing

In my head, there’s a mental list called, “Things I Do Not Want To Be Caught Doing.”

Some of the things on that list include:

(1) Buying or listening to a Kidz Bop CD.
(2) Saying I love Yanni’s music to impress a girl.
(3) Pretending I’m an underwear model.

The other day, I almost got caught pretending to be an underwear model, because of these Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Briefs.

Looking at myself in the mirror in my underwear for long periods of time is not something I do, unless I happen to be in my underwear when I’m doing my weekly affirmation, which I say to myself, “I’m a sexy, sexy beast. Yeah, I am. Oh yeah, you like this? I know you do, baby! Uh-huh.”

I couldn’t stop pretending to model underwear because the Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief made me feel sexy, without the weekly affirmation. Of course, they made me feel sexy, but they didn’t make me look sexy. They didn’t magically turn me into Marky Mark, because my abs more closely resemble a keg than a six-pack.

Although I have to admit, my entire upper body may have not looked too good in them, but my ass, albeit a little flat, looked good. It looked so good, that I had to wonder what it looked like if I shook it.

Of course, this meant I needed the appropriate booty-shaking music. The only song on my iPod that could truly fit the bill was Wreckx-N-Effect’s “Rump Shaker.”

While shaking my ass, I liked the way the Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief hugged the curves of my lower body, which was a much different feeling than the boxers I usually wear. It also provided good support of my twig and berries, kind of like tighty-whities, but not too tight and not as white, which means no skidmarks.

One problem I had with the underwear was its name, Next To Nothing, because I can think of a few other things I could wear that are closer to next to nothing, like a thong or a fig leaf. Of course, wearing a thong or a fig leaf are other things I do not want to be caught doing.

Unfortunately, when I went back to the Jockey store to pick up more, I found out that Jockey discontinued the Next To Nothing line, which explained the reason why the price was discounted by over 50 percent.

After I found that out, I wondered, “How will I feel sexy now? Because the effects of those weekly affirmations only lasts for a few minutes.”

Thanks, Jockey.

(Editor’s Note #1: Sure, I could show you what the Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief looks like on me with pictures, but that would be a little too risque and I don’t have clean socks to stuff down my crotch.)

(Editor’s Note #2: Instead I’m going to show you something a little less spicy. An old video of me ripping my shirt off.)

(Editor’s Note #3: Warning video may contain images not suitable for children, or anyone else.)


Item: Jockey Next To Nothing Boxer Brief
Purchase Price: $7.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Made my ass look good. Good support of my undercarriage. Made me feel sexy, without affirmations.
Cons: Discontinued. Doesn’t come in a size smaller than medium. Pretending to be an underwear model when you don’t have the body of an underwear model.

Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water

Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water

Note to self: If the bottle of the beverage you’re thinking of purchasing has the word “sparkling” on it, avoid it at all costs, even if it is really cheap.

I’m no longer a sparkling water virgin, but it’s not really something I want to brag about. Just like all my other devirginizing experiences, losing my sparking water virginity was awkward, frustrating, and left a bad taste in my mouth.

At least it wasn’t as bad as the other devirginizing experience I’ve had, like losing my drunk barfing virginity and losing my bra wearing virginity, which included photocopied photos posted on the doors of all the women rooms in my dormitory.

I’m not sure how best I can describe the taste of sparkling water to those who still are sparkling water virgins, but I think it’s safe to say they taste like the tears from a devil.

If that explanation totally blew your mind or it sounded like I was drunk when I wrote it, sparkling water has a really bitter taste and a horrid aftertaste. Even with the light, and I mean light, taste of berry in the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water, it still tasted like someone figured out a way to bottle the color gray.

Every swig I took of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water made me shudder. However, I’ve been using that shuddering to my advantage. I’ve been nursing the same 20-ounce bottle for the past seven days and during those days I’ve taken a swig of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water whenever I needed to be perked up, since drinking it is such a shock to my system.

It’s sort of like being shocked by static electricity, except without the static or the electricity.

Beside the horrible taste, another thing that bothered me about the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water was the fact that it was cheaper than the same-sized bottle of regular Aquafina water. This made me think that the Aquafina Sparkling Water was actually made from the water that was rejected for regular Aquafina water.

The people at Aquafina were probably thinking they could use it to water plants, but then realized there’s no money to be made watering plants, so they added some carbonation and as little flavor as possible and sold it as Aquafina Sparking Water.

It’s sort of like how the workers at my middle school cafeteria turned Monday’s meatloaf into Friday’s tacos.

Waste not, want not.

Yahtzee!

Okay with the review out of the way, it’s time to announce this month’s prize drawing. I know it’s a little early, but I really have to get rid of this month’s prizes, which are packs of Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

I originally was going to give away five packs of them, but I ate one, so now we’re down to four and if I didn’t start accepting entries for the prize drawing today, that number probably would’ve dropped to three.

So four lucky readers will each receive one 4-pack of those damn good Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review with the words “Thin Mints’ Beeyatch” in it and whatever else you would like to say. Or, if you think we’re lame comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Cookie Monster” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing the winner for their mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of it.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on April 5, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on April 8, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States and Canada. (Sorry, rest of the world)

Each entry will be stuffed into the empty Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water from this review. After all the entries are stuffed, I will curse the bottle and kick it around for messing with my tastebuds.

The first four entries I pull out of the bottle will be the four winners.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about how you can download Clay Aiken ringtones. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for Playboy Magazine. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for melted chocolate, broken cookies, or lost mail.


Item: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water
Purchase Price: 89 cents
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: The horrible bitter taste can be used to send a shock to your system. Lost my sparkling water virginity, but I want it back.
Cons: It’s extremely bitter, like the tears from a devil. Very light berry flavor. Cheaper than regular Aquafina water.

Poop Water

Poop Water

(Editor’s Note: This review contains references to bowel movements and many different forms of the word “poop.” If you are uncomfortable with this, please do not continue. If you are comfortable with this and have a laptop, this review would make great reading material while backing a big brown caddie out of the garage. Enjoy.)

They say death, taxes, and our doo-doo stinking are the only three things that we can be certain of in this lifetime.

By now you’re probably used to the smell of your own dookie, but sometimes, depending on what you ate, the smell of your own Lincoln Logs can overwhelm you. Of course, there are many products out there that help with the smell of your brown torpedos, like aerosol spray air fresheners, scented candles, matches, and clothespins.

But there are problems with each of these things. With aerosol sprays, unless you want a shower of it coming on you, you can’t spray it while making a deposit at the porcelain bank. Scented candles take a while before its scent is in the air, and by that time, you might be done with giving birth to a buttsnake. With matches, you could possibly burn your fingers or have the urge to light your farts. As for clothespins, they just plain hurt when you pinch your nose with them.

Over the past year, I’ve noticed that many households here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean have been using Poop Water, which is brought to us by our friends in Japan, who have also given us such great products as the Sony PSP, Toyota Camry, and anime porn.

Okay, the product’s name isn’t actually Poop Water, I just gave it that name because I don’t know how to translate its real Japanese name, Toire Sonoatoni Kyoryokuittekisyosyu. You would think two years of college Japanese classes would help me translate that, but the only complex sentence I can put together in Japanese is, “Geri ga arimasu,” which means, “I have diarrhea.”

My poor Japanese language abilities also made it impossible to translate the Poop Water’s instructions. Fortunately, there were diagrams on the packaging which explained how to use it.

Anyway, this product is basically a deodorizing liquid for those times when the upside down volcano is erupting. Adding two drops of Poop Water into the toilet before, during, or after taking a Number Two, will destroy the smell of your Winnie the Poohs. After days of testing, the Poop Water almost instantly got rid of the smell coming from my butt nuggets.

It should also help when taking a leak after eating asparagus. Unfortunately, I hate asparagus, so I couldn’t test this theory out.

At first, the clean, fresh, but slightly chemical smell of the Poop Water annoyed my nose, but by the third use, I was used to it. But then again, almost anything smells better than when I download some brownware.

After initial testing, the only reoccurring problem I’ve had with the Poop Water was remembering to use it while making a Madonna movie. Since the Poop Water bottle is very small (holds 20 mL), I sometimes don’t notice it, so I don’t use it, because as they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.”

Although the Poop Water bottle is very small, a bottle of it should last four to six months, depending on how much fiber you eat.


Item: Poop Water
Purchase Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Only two drops needed. Works almost instantly. Clean, fresh, but slightly chemical smell. Better than using a clothespin to combat the smell of caca.
Cons: Pricey for such a small bottle. Might be hard to find for most people. Might not remember to use it while building ass rockets.

REVIEW: Jiffy Pop Stove Top Butter Popcorn

Jiffy Pop Stove Top Butter Popcorn

Here at The Impulsive Buy we try to find the latest products to review, but reader Taikog suggested we go old school once in awhile. Following his suggestion, we thought about doing a review on Brylcreem, but decided to review the Jiffy Pop Stove Top Butter Popcorn instead, because it looked less oily.

The instructions for this popcorn were simple. Preheat the stove for 3 or 4 minutes at medium high heat. Then place the pan on the burner. When it starts to sizzle, continuously shake the pan in a back and forth motion until the foil is fully expanded. In about 2 to 5 minutes, the popcorn should be ready.

I was just about to start popping the popcorn, when I realized that I can’t shake it, unless there’s music playing or someone is putting money in the elastic band of my boxers. Since there weren’t any women around flashing dollar bills, I needed to find a soundtrack for my popcorn shaking.

After spending about 30 minutes looking through my iTunes library, I found the perfect song I could shake popcorn to. Some of you may have guessed the song already, Outkast’s “Hey Ya!”

With my popcorn shaking song on, I got down to making some popcorn. I put the pan on the preheated burner and waited for the sizzle. When it came, I began to shake the pan and my groove thang. A few moments later, the popcorn kernels started exploding and the foil started expanding. This went on for about a minute and then the exploding and expanding suddenly stopped.

Although when it stopped, I kept shaking the pan because Andre 3000’s voice had taken a hold of my soul.

Then about a minute later I began to smell burnt popcorn and I stopped shaking the pan and my ass. I took the pan off of the stove and opened the slightly expanded foil. A cloud of steam and a strong smell of burnt popcorn arose from out of the pan. The bottom of the pan was covered with burnt popped and unpopped kernels.

A few of the popped kernels survived and I ate them. They had a decent buttery taste and a nice crunch.

I don’t know what went wrong, but I have my theories. (1) The stove heat was too high. (2) I am the Grim Reaper of Food and I destroy everything I touch. (3) I picked the wrong song to shake it to.

My money was on the third reason, so I went looking through my iTunes library again and found six possible replacements for the next time I decide to make some stove top popcorn.

1. Metallica’s “One”
2. Aqua’s “Barbie Girl”
3. Britney Spears’ “Toxic”
4. Blur’s “Song 2”
5. Buster Poindexter’s “Hot, Hot, Hot”
6. Black Eyed Peas’ “Hey Mama”

So which of these songs do you think would work best? Or do you have another song in mind?

Item: Jiffy Pop Stove Top Butter Popcorn
Purchase Price: $1.50
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Decent buttery taste. Nice crunch. Buster Poindexter reference.
Cons: I followed the instructions, but the popcorn still got burnt. “Hey Ya!” might not be a good song to shake stove top popcorn with, but it is a good song to shake it to when there are women flashing dollar bills. I have a Britney Spears song.

REVIEW: Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich

Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich

Ever since I heard about the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I’ve been bitter about not having the opportunity to try one, since there aren’t any Hardee’s here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That bitterness slightly faded, after I read a story about the new Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

Okay, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich still pales in comparison with the Monster Thickburger and its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium. However, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich’s 730 calories, 47 grams of fat, 415 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,860 milligrams of sodium would make any nutritionist or cardiologist cringe, like I do when I see a guy get kicked in the balls and whenever I see someone do Macarena.

So yesterday morning, I got up early and headed out the door to the Burger King down the street.

As I walked to the Burger King, a mini version of me suddenly appeared on my left shoulder, wearing a white suit and wings. “Holy crap!” he said to me. “What are you doing? I can’t believe you’re gonna buy that. It’s so unhealthy. It could be the last thing you eat in this world.”

“But if it’s the last thing he eats, that would make one hell of a review,” said the mini version of me that suddenly appeared on my right shoulder, wearing a black suit with horns on his head.

“How can he write a review when he’s dead, moron!?!” the mini me in the white suit said.

“Oh, come on, you wuss,” the mini me in the black suit snorted. “It’s got almost the same amount of calories and fat as a Burger King Whopper. He’s eaten lots of Whoppers and he’s still here.”

“But it also has FOUR times the cholesterol and almost twice the sodium of a Whopper. He doesn’t need that much salt, he’s not a frickin’ horse,” the white suited mini me replied.

While those two argued, I walked into the Burger King and ordered an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

“NOOOOOOO!!!!” the pure and innocent mini me screamed. The dark and evil mini me just laughed.

The person behind the counter asked if I wanted anything else. The dark mini me screamed, “HASH BROWNS!!!” and then disappeared. The innocent mini me yelled, “DEFIBRILLATOR!!!” and then also disappeared.

I said to the cashier, “No, that’s all.”

On my way back, I felt guilty about buying the sandwich, so I stopped by the convenience store that sells alcohol and cigarettes to minors, to pick up a bottle of apple juice, which I picked up because the antioxidants in the juice can help prevent damage from fatty foods and because it looks like beer.

The Enormous Omelet Sandwich consists of a toasted roll with two slices of American cheese, two layers of fluffy eggs, three strips of bacon, and a sausage patty. It looked like Burger King just joined two regular breakfast sandwiches together to form the Enormous Omelet Sandwich. In other words, it didn’t look very spectacular.

As I took the first bite, I heard a faint, “Nooooooo,” which might have been either my white suited mini me or my heart. I stopped for a second, shrugged my shoulders, and dug into the sandwich.

The sandwich was good, but there wasn’t anything special about it. It tasted like any other breakfast sandwich with eggs and sausage. The bacon was almost nonexistent, because I could hardly taste it. The only thing the Enormous Omelet Sandwich really has going for itself is the fact that it’s probably the biggest breakfast sandwich available.

My recommendation is, if you like angioplasty, eat an Enormous Omelet Sandwich every other day. If you don’t like angioplasty, I’d recommend eating it just once, just so you can say you survived an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

Item: Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich
Purchase Price: $3.29 (sandwich only)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes good, but nothing really special about it. Possibly the biggest breakfast sandwich available.
Cons: Very high cholesterol and sodium. High fat and calories. Your conscience may bother you. It’s no Monster Thickburger.