The Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich think they’re angry, but they’re not. I’ll show you angry, muthabitches!

Woke up at 4 am ’cause someone was dragging a bag of cans on the street.
Pissed me off because they interrupted me in the middle of REM sleep.
Got to my feet, looked outside and saw a bum digging through the trash.
Told him to be quiet or else that can in his hand would be his last.
He slurred something I didn’t understand, I think he had too much wine.
Said to him I’m going to pop a cap in his ass with my muthafuckin’ nine.
Pulled out my gat and flashed it at the defenseless homeless man.
Then he mumbled some gibberish to me I couldn’t quite understand.
I said, “Don’t make me come down there and mess you up, you bum.”
“I dare you” is what I think he slurred with his alcoholic tongue.
But my gat was a water gun I got for 100 skee ball tickets at the arcade.
So I told him, “Oh, you’re lucky I don’t have bullets. Now go away.”
Then someone yells “Shut up you two or else I’m going to call the cops.”
Then I quickly hide behind my curtains and the argument stops.

You see that? I was so angry that I might’ve killed a man. If I had a real gun, some bullets, and I wasn’t scared of firearms due to a pellet gun accident at Boy Scout camp, I would’ve dropped that hobo dead. What kind of anger do those two chicken sandwiches wield? All they have are Pepper Jack cheese, jalapenos, angry onions and angry sauce.

Ooooh, that’s angry. I’m scared of them. I better lock my doors. I better have 911 on speed dial incase they get angrier. I should go find Betty Ross so that she can calm them down when they turn into the Incredible Hulk. Pfff…Their ingredients aren’t angry. Let me show you angry.

Waiting in line to pay for my banana Slurpee.
Watching the old lady pull out her coin purse in front of me.
Oh, she better not be paying with pennies, nickels and dimes,
or else I’m going to end her life before her time.
Driving Miss Daisy spills the contents of her purse on the counter,
I was going spill my Slurpee on her head and then pound her.
Counting off each coin one by one by one by one,
She owed $5.23 for a sandwich and a bag of Funyuns.
The cashier tried to speed things up by collecting her amount,
but the old hag didn’t want anyone to help her count.
I lose my mind and yell at her, “Could you go any slower?”
I cause her to miscount and now she has to start all over.
Now everyone in the back of the line is yelling at me.
“How could you be so mean to the elderly?”
Some guy grabs my Slurpee and pours it over my head.
I ran out of the store and cried like a baby as I fled.

Yeah, that’s right. I was so angry that I would’ve beat up an old lady. And if it weren’t for that guy who was smart enough to cool my hot head down with a Slurpee, who knows what I might’ve done to that grandma who says “hi” to me every time I pass her on the sidewalk.

The Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich are like their weak ass cousin, the Angry Whopper — all talk, no burn. The only thing that saves their asses from being total wussies is the fact the both of them are kind of tasty, although I thought the Angry Tendercrisp was a little better. The angry sauce gives both of them a nice barbeque flavor with a little kick, but not enough to be considered “angry.” The jalapenos also provide a little more heat than the sauce and the “angry onions” don’t add anything, except a little crunch. The bacon gets lost with the smokey angry sauce and the lettuce and tomatoes help to cool each sandwich’s “anger” even more. But, again, both sandwiches are tasty.

I guess in order for me to consider them angry, the Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich would have to either kill a hobo for making too much noise or bitch slap an elderly person for paying in pennies.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Angry Tendercrisp – 1030 calories, 61 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 2670 milligrams of sodium, 82 grams of carbohydrates, 15 grams of sugar and 40 grams of protein. Angry Original Chicken Sandwich – 870 calories, 55 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 2430 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of sugar and 34 grams of protein.)

(We Rate Stuff reviewed the Angry Original Chicken Sandwich and the Angry Tendercrisp.)

Item: Burger King Angry Tendercrisp & Angry Original Chicken Sandwich
Price: $6.49 (Angry Tendercrisp)
Price: $5.49 (Angry Original Chicken Sandwich)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Angry Tendercrisp)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Angry Original Chicken Sandwich)
Pros: Tasty sandwiches. Hearty sandwiches. Angry sauce has a nice barbeque flavor. Chicken coating was crispy. Angry onion provide crunch. Lettuce and tomatoes provide vegetables. My skee ball skills.
Cons: Not angry. Extremely high in sodium. Contains trans fat. Bacon gets lost with the smokey angry sauce. Elderly abuse. Killing hobos. Paying for purchases with pennies. My rhyming ability.

With the name Angry Whopper, you would expect this burger to be one spicy mofo that burns worse than the penis of a 1980′s rocker who’s conquered way too many groupies. However, despite containing jalapeno slices, pepper jack cheese, spicy onion rings, and a spicy Angry Sauce, the Angry Whopper produced just a whimper.

The only anger I get from the Angry Whopper is the anger I feel for it not being spicy enough. The red Angry Sauce was more peppery than spicy, the onion rings tasted normal, and the pepper jack cheese produced jack shit in terms of spiciness. The pickled jalapeno was the only ingredient that produced any spicy heat.

On an angry scale of one to ten, with ten being Naomi Campbell beating your ass with a cell phone for not ensuring her Starbucks order was at her desired temperature of 63 degrees Celcius and one being an even-toned “I’m disappointed in you” from your laid back parents who don’t really believe in discipline, the Angry Whopper was a three, or a quick Three Stooges-esque slap to the head.

The Angry Whopper may not be able to burn Satan’s mouth or my own, but it’s damn tasty. The two ingredients that made me kind of forget about this burger’s lack of heat was the tangy Angry Sauce and the smokey bacon, both of which turned this burger into one delicious mamma jamma. It’s so good that if a Whopper Virgin were to eat this burger, they would love how tight it is and become a huge Whopper slut.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 880 calories, 55 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1670 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 37 grams of protein, and minutes of regret.)

Item: Angry Whopper
Price: $5.29
Size: 321 grams
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very tasty. Angry Sauce was really good. Bacon. Best name for a Whopper spinoff EVER. Groupies.
Cons: Not very angry (spicy). Pricey. An insane amount of sodium. Getting beat down by a skinny supermodel with anger management problems. Parents who don’t believe in discipline. A burning penis.