Arby’s, the producer of Horsey Sauce, is bringing back an old favorite and a twist on that old favorite. The Market Fresh Grilled Chicken & Pecan Salad Sandwich is back again and it brought with it the less bready Market Fresh Grilled Chicken & Pecan Salad Wrap.

The Market Fresh Grilled Chicken & Pecan Salad menu items have grilled chicken, diced red apples, crunchy pecans, celery, and red grapes in between either honey wheat bread or a whole grain flatbread wrap. It sure sounds tasty, but it also sounds healthy. After all, it’s got fruits, vegetables, nuts, and whole grains. If that don’t make a nutritionist’s nipples hard, then I don’t know what will. However, looking at the nutrition facts, it might make a nutritionist’s nipples retract.

The Grilled Chicken & Pecan Salad Sandwich has 840 calories, 400 calories from fat, 44 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 1220 milligrams of sodium, 82 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar, and 34 grams of protein.

The Grilled Chicken and Pecan Salad Wrap is slightly better at 630 calories, 370 calories from fat, 41 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 1020 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 30 grams of protein.

Well, at least, you’ll be able to get some fruits, vegetables, nuts, whole grains, and maybe some Arby’s curly fries from it.

The Market Fresh Grilled Chicken & Pecan Salad Sandwich and Wrap are available for a limited time at participating restaurants.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

Have you ever had the pleasure of sitting under a waterfall? I have. The continuous flow of water being poured on top of you makes you feel like you’re one with nature. The rumbling of the water removes all other sounds, except the thoughts in your head. The weight of the water is like your soul giving yourself a bear hug. It’s a feeling that you will never forget and yearn for when the stresses of life wash over you. So I’m pretty sure, the Orbit Mist Crisp Mint Waterfall sucks in comparison. (via Gum Alert)

Finally, a 3 Musketeers bar that honors Porthos’ body. The Musketeers say, “One for all, and all for one,” but Porthos was more like one and a half to one and three fourths. (via Candyblog)

The Arby’s Angus Three Cheese & Bacon reads like a list of things your doctor will tell you shouldn’t eat. (via Junk Food Betty)

Geez, shouldn’t this be the opposite? The King’s facial expression doesn’t change AT ALL, but Burger King’s Chicken Tenders keep changing. (via An Immovable Feast)

Samba Kisses Better? No, Marvo kisses better. Actually, Marvo kisses best because he uses a lot of Chap Stick to keep his lips supple. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Arby’s is like the middle child of the fast food industry. You’ve got the oldest child, represented by places like McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell. They’ve been around, they’re reliable and you know you can trust them to be there when you need them. Then there’s the baby of the family, that local place that you dote upon – that one little burger joint on Center Street or the musty taqueria that is probably violating at least a half dozen health codes. You tell your friends about them, even show them some pictures, not realizing that they honestly don’t care.

Then there’s Arby’s.

Sure, it’s always hanging around, but its cries for attention go largely ignored. It shuffles its feet, wondering when someone will notice the uniqueness, the ingenuity of its shaved beef sandwiches. It’s even tried other tactics to gain your attention, like its line of Market Fresh sandwiches, which got put on the fridge but was promptly covered up by Wendy’s B+ on her calculus test.

Badly-constructed analogies and sweeping generalizations about a whole nation’s opinion on Arby’s aside, their latest arm-waving “look at me!” creation goes even further, with the limited-edition Steakhouse Sub.

The commercial itself is a sad thing to see: a man is parked literally a few feet away from an actual steakhouse, and then decides to go to Arby’s instead. He is already at a steakhouse that serves real steak. I believe he describes Arby’s new sandwich as a “steakhouse dream,” but by then my brain had already exited my skull, carrying a bindle and sticking its thumb out in a desperate attempt to get as far away from my television as possible, so don’t quote me on that.

What exactly makes this sandwich such a “dream?” According to Arby’s, “When you’re craving that big Steakhouse taste, this sub delivers. We piled our classic, thinly sliced roast beef with melted Swiss cheese and crispy onions on a toasted ciabatta roll and topped it all off with our zesty cracked peppercorn sauce.”

If you’ve never had an Arby’s roast beef sandwich before, imagine the roast beef being a notch or two above the packet of Carl Buddig “Beef” that your mom used to pack in your lunch for school. Or was that just my mom?

Great, yet another childhood trauma I’ll have to bring up with my therapist at our next appointment. Anyway, Arby’s roast beef is thinly sliced, quite salty, and if you try really hard, you can even detect a vague taste of beef. But that’s about all you’re going to get out of it.

The onions added zero flavor or texture to the sandwich. Arby’s claims they are “crispy onions.” Mine were anything but. I ate some of the stragglers on my plate that had escaped from the Steakhouse Sub, and they were soggy, tough and chewy. It’s like they took a can of French’s French Fried Onions and let them sit in a deep frier for half an hour.

The sauce was actually quite nice on its own; I would even venture to agree with Arby’s claims of it being “zesty.” Much like the onions, it seemed to get swallowed up by the rest of the sandwich and I couldn’t really taste it unless my tongue was in direct contact with the sauced bun. I went to check out the ingredient list and there must have been 50 of them in the sauce alone, but I think the inclusion of steak sauce was probably what gave it a little zing. Or it could have been the disodium inosinate. Who can tell?

Part of the reason I couldn’t feel the chewy texture of the onions was that the ciabatta roll itself was overly chewy. Taking a bite of the Steakhouse Sub felt a bit like I was a puppy wrestling with a rope toy; to tear through the bread, I had to whip my head back and forth with my teeth firmly dug into the bun. I may have even growled once or twice, I’m not entirely sure.

Okay, so it wasn’t that bad, but I do think that the bread-to-fillings ratio was tipped too heavily in the former’s favor, especially when it came to the sauce and the onions. I got a few bites where I could taste a little zip from the sauce, but the onions added nothing, and most bites were just a mouthful of bread and some mildly beefy-tasting slices of meat.

If Arby’s thinks their Steakhouse Sub is something that’s going to lure someone already at a steakhouse to their nearest Arby’s drive-thru, they need to head out to a Black Angus Steakhouse and do a little R&D. The fact that I’m using Black Angus as my example of a steakhouse taste they should emulate should speak volumes in and of itself.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich (268 grams) – 750 calories, 360 calories from fat, 40 grams of total fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,970 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, 30 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 4% vitamin C, 15% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Arby’s Steakhouse Sub

Price: $2.99

Size: 1 sandwich

Purchased at: Arby’s

Rating: 3 out of 10

Pros: Cracked peppercorn sauce was zesty, if you licked the bun. Actual steakhouses. Fair-sized sandwich for the price. Hobo bindles. Making sweeping generalizations about other people’s opinions.

Cons: Too much chewy ciabatta drowning out other flavors. Tough, un-crisp onions. Being the middle child. Arby’s roast beef in general. Playing tug-of-war with my lunch. Carl Buddig.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

Missing out on St. Patrick’s Day festivities because you don’t like drinking green beer? Don’t worry. If you drink a lot of McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes your vomit will be just as green. (via Gigi Reviews)

Many Japanese people enjoy things from Hawaii, so I’m disappointed the Meiji Poifull isn’t full of poi. (via Candyblog)

Many Japanese people also enjoy fermented cow’s milk. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Panda Express has a new honey walnut shrimp. I’m allergic to shellfish, so just thinking about them makes me a little itchy. (via Brand Eating)

Teddy Grahams now comes in a banana flavor, but I’m still waiting for them to make another flavor that starts with the letter B — bear. (via I Ate A Pie)

I can’t believe Arby’s has popcorn chicken. But I also can’t believe Arby’s is still business. (via Grub Grade)

Product review blog goodness wrapped in an HTML shell.

Hungry-Man XXL meals are meant for two people. So fellas, if you want to give your lady friend the least romantic dinner she’s ever had, pick up the Hungry-Man XXL Meatloaf meal. It’s like a chastity belt made up of frozen meat. (via Freezer Burns)

I trust Arby’s with roast beef and their Horsey Sauce, but I wouldn’t trust them with anything else, especially egg rolls. (via Fast Food Critic)

I think I would like the Orville Redenbacher Natural Wild Berry Mini Popcorn Cakes because I like my popcorn the same way I like my women: natural, wild, mini, and with long last names. (via Iateapie.net)

I predict that the Skittles Crazy Cores will not appeal to younger demographics because there’s an S at the end of the word “Cores” and not a Z. Kidz luv crazy spellingz. EPIC FAIL. (via Candy Addict)

The Lean Cuisine Steak Tips Dijon is the 77th Lean Cuisine meal Heat Eat Review has reviewed. I think they deserve a medal or a lei made out of frozen Lean Cuisine meals. (via Heat Eat Review)