Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

The Cheetos Giant White Cheddar Snowballs have a yellow hue. They will now be known as Cheetos Pee. (via X-Entertainment)

Never mind that the Euro is stronger than the US dollar. While the US has a 100 Grand Bar, the UK has candy worth much more. (via Chocolate Mission)

Can’t afford real lobster? Then purchase one of the least expensive lobster flavored products on the planet. (via Dave’s Cupboard)

A creme brulee chocolate bar that doesn’t taste like creme brulee or burnt sugar. Would a blowtorch to it help? (via Foodstuff Finds)

Yes, the two fruits I imagine when I think of “xtreme” are strawberry and guava. (via Screaming Energy)

No words can describe how I feel about a Big Mac Snack Wrap. (via Grub Grade)

Dear Burger King,

Please bring back your Big Mac wannabe, the Big King burger, which you introduced in the United States in 1997, but discontinued several years later.

I’d like to see it make a comeback here in the United States because Big Mac clones are popping up left and right, like zits on the faces of one of your teenaged employees manning the deep fryer, and I figure since you’ve made one before, you might as well throw your hat into the ring of secret sauces. These burgers include: Carl’s Jr.’s Big Carl, Hardee’s Big Hardee and the recently released Jack in the Box Bonus Jack.

Actually, I should really say “recently rereleased.” Jack in the Box copied the McDonald’s Big Mac decades before it became cool to do so, introducing their Bonus Jack in 1970, which was two years after the Big Mac was rolled out nationwide. The Bonus Jack contains two beef patties, two slices of American cheese, a pickle slice, shredded lettuce and Jack’s Famous Secret Sauce in between a three-piece bun.

You should rerelease the Big King because the Bonus Jack is a lame facsimile of the Big Mac. The beef patties in a Big Mac are small, but the ones in the Bonus Jack are a little more petite, and not a cute petite, like Christina Ricci. Because there’s not a lot of meat, I mostly tasted the bun, which isn’t a bad thing if I’m Cool Whip wrestling with two petite women in bikinis in a baby pool, but it’s bad when it comes to any burger.

The secret sauce did taste like Thousand Island dressing, like all the other secret sauces, but there wasn’t enough of it in my Bonus Jack to have that flavor in every bite. A couple of bites did sort of taste like a Big Mac, but overall there was a lot of bread.

Another reason why you should bring back the Big King is because Wendy’s or some other fast food joint is going to come out with their own version, and if they do, you’ll be all alone. This is bad because while all the other fast food places with Big Mac clones are comparing each other, you’ll be all by yourself, nowhere to be found, allowing the other fast food joints to assume you’re either crying or masturbating, or as they will call it, “whipping up your own secret sauce.”

Sincerely,

Marvo

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 540 calories, 33 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 88 milligrams of cholesterol, 1062 milligrams of sodium, 374 milligrams of potassium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar and 25 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Bonus Jack
Price: $4.99 (medium combo)
Size: 1 burger
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: About the same size as a Big Mac. Secret sauce tasted like Thousand Island dressing. Cool Whip wrestling. Christina Ricci.
Cons: Beef patties were petite. Mostly tasted the bun. No sesame seed bun. One pickle. No additional onions. Unhealthier than a Big Mac. Zits. Fast food places calling their sauce “secret” when we know it’s Thousand Island dressing.

Carl’s Jr. and McDonald’s need to stop the bickering. Okay, mostly Carl’s Jr.

So what if McDonald’s came out with burgers that uses Angus beef and Carl’s Jr. came out with their version of the Big Mac, called the Big Carl. Can’t they just get along because I’d hate to see this turn violent? I believe we lost Biggie and Tupac this way.

I love McDonald’s french fries and I love Carl’s Jr. burgers, so if I lost them both, I would have less places to get huge doses of calories, saturated fat and sodium from. I don’t want to have to eat at Quiznos! Also, I don’t want them to be killed and release new stuff from the grave, because as Biggie, Tupac and Dave Thomas have proven with their posthumous stuff, it won’t be as good.

Much like the McDonald’s Big Mac, the Big Carl is made of two beef patties, a Thousand Island dressing-eque sauce, American cheese and lettuce in between a sesame seed bun. For those of you keeping score at home, the Carl’s Jr. burger does lack the Big Mac’s middle bun, along with pickles and onions. The Big Carl is also supposed to be cheaper than the Big Mac, except here on this island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, where it is one dollar more than a Big Mac and two dollars more than the advertised price of $2.49.

Size-wise, the Big Mac weighs in at 214 grams, while the Big Carl is significantly meatier at 315 grams. (Insert your favorite small penis/big penis joke here.) Flavor-wise, I do find the Carl’s Jr. burger to taste better because of the beef patties, which are of a higher quality than the Big Mac’s, and the Thousand Island dressing-ish sauce. But I wonder if my taste buds approve of the Big Carl because they’re bored with the Big Mac, which I’ve had so many times that I’m surprised I haven’t grown a third bun.

The Big Carl has almost twice the calories and saturated fat than the Big Mac, so it’s not something you should eat on a regular basis and I don’t think that will lure Big Mac enthusiast, Don Gorske, who has eaten over 20,000 Big Macs, to switch over to the Big Carl.

However, even though I just did so, I don’t know if one can truly compare the two burgers, since the Big Carl lacks pickles and onions, both of which helps give the Big Mac its unique taste.

While I believe it’s better tasting than a Big Mac, what I really like about the Carl’s Jr. Big Carl is the fact that it helps complete a rare kinky circle. A dude named Carl can go to Carl’s Jr., order a Big Carl and then perform a Hot Carl on someone.

Don’t know what a Hot Carl is? Look it up on Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary.

WAIT!!!

Don’t do that unless you want to upchuck the chuck you just ate at Chuck E. Cheese while listening to some Chuck Berry.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 920 calories, 59 grams of fat, 23 grams of saturated fat, 145 milligrams of cholesterol, 1370 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Big Carl
Price: $4.59
Size: 315 grams
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Better tasting than the Big Mac. Tastier patties than the Big Mac. Heavier than the Big Mac. Being able to complete a kinky circle. Wikipedia. Inserting your own penis jokes into a vagina of text.
Cons: Lacks pickles and onions (and third bun). Has twice the calories and saturated fat than the Big Mac. Hot Carls. Pricey on this island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Posthumous stuff from Biggie, Tupac and Dave Thomas.

Product review blog goodness wrapped in an HTML shell.

If all mall cops were as incompetent as Paul Blart, Free Winona Ryder t-shirts would’ve never existed. (via Pajiba)

The Big Mac may look like a culinary school project reject, but that special sauce gets me every single time. (via Fast Food Critic)

Mmm…What a recession tastes like. (via Cheap Eats)

That’s just great. I now have to put one more sprayable item into my man purse to go along with the pepper spray, spray-on tan, and FDS. (via Iateapie.net)

I enjoy products that are able to multitask, like these Kahlua chocolates. Eating the entire bag will not only get me fat, but also get me drunk enough to make the show Bromance slightly tolerable. Oh, who am I kidding? The only amount of alcohol that would make that show tolerable is a bottle of vodka slammed across my head and knocking me out. (via Candy Addict)