Thanks KFC.

The name of your new KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwich probably just gave the Black Eyed Peas a title for a new mindless and shallow song that will make my car’s speakers weep as it’s played in heavy rotation on the radio, make my TV’s speakers groan as it’s played during timeouts at NBA games and make my computer’s speakers take their own lives by blow themselves out when that song randomly starts playing on Pandora, thanks to my Miley Cyrus station.

Are you really willing to take responsibility for clogging ears, like you clog arteries with lyrics that may go like this?

You know I’m Doublicious.
This beat is phat and expeditious.
These lyrics make me seditious.
Carrots cake is not nutritious.

And you may think it ends with being overplayed on the radio, at NBA games and on the internet, but thousands of people will have that song set as their muthafrickin’ ringtone. Oh, but it doesn’t stop there either. It will continue to pollute the airwaves by being featured on a Now That’s What I Call Music! compilation, then children are going to cover the song on a Kidz Bop album, and if there’s another direct-to-DVD Air Bud or Beverly Hills Chihuahua movie, it will probably be on the soundtrack.

And that’s still not the end of it because a Black Eyed Peas song never dies, it either gets recycled or comes back to life over and over again to eat away at your brain, like a musical zombie. But there’s no head to shoot off with a shotgun.

Shoving Black Eyed Peas lyrics down my ears is like trying to make me buy the Original and Grilled KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwiches again, because I don’t want to do either regularly.

On paper, both KFC sandwiches look good. The Original Doublicious includes an Original Recipe filet topped with bacon, Monterey Jack cheese and the Colonel’s Sauce, while the Grilled Doublicious has a grilled filet with Monterey Jack cheese, lettuce and honey mustard BBQ sauce. Both sandwiches come with a Hawaiian sweet bread bun.

With the bun, KFC is trying to create a sweet and savory combination, which is perhaps the reason for the name Doublicious, or double delicious, if you will. However, I felt the bun wasn’t as sweet or as soft as the Hawaiian sweet bread I grew up with. The bun also had perfectly placed grill marks on the inside of it, which looked just as off-putting as the grill marks found on KFC’s Grilled Chicken. But what’s even more disturbing was the size of each Doublicious sandwich, which were quite small for the $4.49 I paid for each of them.

While they may not be hearty sandwiches, I did think they were both good, but the sweet and savory combo punch didn’t knock me to my feet. As I mentioned earlier, I thought the bun wasn’t as sweet as the Hawaiian sweet bread I grew up with, but I think its sweetness and flavor gets lost even more with the sweetness of the sauces.

The cheese in both sandwiches don’t have any impact on flavor. The bacon in the Original version makes the sandwich a little more savory and the lettuce in the Grilled one makes it appear healthier. As for the chicken filets, the Original one was a little crispy, while the Grilled one was a little creepy with the weird grill marks on them.

While both sandwiches are sweet and savory, I think they are so because of their sauces. The flavor of the chicken and their secret herbs and spices get lost with the sauces. It makes me wonder why KFC is trying to hide what they’re known for. It’s like they don’t believe the flavor of their chicken can stand on its own.

I wish KFC would believe in what makes their chicken finger lickin’ good, just like I wish a particular hip-hop group would stop making songs with lyrics that go like this:

I’m on the supersonic boom.
Y’all hear the spaceship zoom.
When, when I step inside the room.
Them girls go ape-shit, uh.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Original – 470 calories, 23 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat* (*may contain less than 0.5 grams of trans fat), 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 980 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar and 33 grams of protein. Grilled – 360 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 940 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 34 grams of protein.)

Read other KFC Doublicious Reviews:
Grub Grade Original and Grilled
Brand Eating Original and Grilled
Serious Eats
Slashfood
Geekweek
Would I Buy It Again

Item: KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwich (Original & Grilled)
Price: $4.49 each
Size: 187 grams (Original)
Size: 200 grams (Grilled)
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Original)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Grilled)
Pros: Good. Use of Hawaiian sweet bread bun. Good source of protein. Bacon. Black Eyed Peas before Fergie. KFC’s secret herbs and spices.
Cons: Damn small. Pricey for what you get. Sweet and savory flavor is dominated by sauces and didn’t blow me away. Not double delicious. Black Eyed Peas songs being played EVERYWHERE. Great source of sodium. Grill marks on bun freak me out. Can’t kill a Black Eyed Peas song.

The new KFC Original Boneless Filet makes me wonder if the company has choked their creative chicken too many times. After coming out with noteworthy products, like their Kentucky Grilled Chicken and Fiery Grilled Wings, they came out with a product that’s basically the stuff they stick in between buns to make some of their sandwiches.

It’s like KFC came up with the idea during their refractory period after choking their creative chicken, because as every man knows, it’s difficult to get anything to come up during a refractory period. That includes good ideas.

To give you an idea of how big a KFC Original Boneless Filet is, just imagine four McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets fused together into something that would make McNuggets even more unnatural. It’s lightly breaded and seasoned with the Colonel’s secret herbs and spices and then dumped into a sleeve usually reserved for KFC’s potato wedges.

If you’re familiar with KFC’s chicken, then you know what their Original Boneless Filet tastes like. It’s the same flavor you’ve learned to love, although beyond that there’s nothing exciting about its flavor and, even though it looks like a giant chicken nugget, it doesn’t come with a dipping sauce. The chicken was tender and somewhat juicy, but the exterior coating wasn’t crispy and seemed like it was just there to provide some friction to make sure the deep-fried chicken doesn’t slide out of its sleeve. Overall, the KFC Original Boneless Filet wasn’t original, nor does it get me excited.

Personally, I like bones in my chicken because they remind me I’m eating an animal and that I’m higher on the food chain than them. Yeah! Suck on that chickens! While I suck on my fingers, because you’re finger lickin’ good. I also like having bones around in case I have to defend myself against a rancor.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 filet – 170 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 360 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar and 23 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Brand Eating also reviewed them)

Item: KFC Original Boneless Filet
Price: $5.99 (meal)
Size: 96 grams each
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: No bones. KFC herbs and spices. Chicken was tender. Being higher on the food chain than a chicken.
Cons: Same stuff found in their sandwiches. Coating wasn’t crispy. Doesn’t come with a dipping sauce. Refractory periods. Choking one’s creative chicken too many times. Having to defend yourself against rancors.

With Guitar Hero’s market share thoroughly decimated by the popularity of Rock Band, it comes as no surprise that they would look towards the Colonel for a little promotional help. Pretending to rock out with Guitar Hero is now something to be ashamed of, like playing with K’NEX instead of LEGO or rooting for the LA Clippers.

Box meals from KFC seem to vary from location to location, with some offering popcorn chicken and others giving you a Snacker, but as Linkin Park once said as I cried myself to sleep in junior high: In the end, it doesn’t even matter. These meals will be the ruin of you. At easily over a thousand calories, not including the gigantic cauldron of soda that you’ll have to hold in your child’s car seat, either the fat, salt, or sheer mass intake will be sure to have you running to Yahoo Answers so that you can ask about the possible side effects of bulimia.

The meal came with a Snacker, a leg or thigh, two original crispy strips, two sides, and a biscuit. I might as well have asked them to deep fry the biscuit in that secret batter just to ensure that all non-side items taste exactly the same. I tried to entice my taste buds by asking for the Buffalo Snacker. That was a mistake. The sauce tasted like tomato paste that had been mixed with a bottle of pepper spray and nuked in the microwave until it completely exploded. You will almost certainly choke on the fumes, but at least you’ll have a few shreds of iceberg lettuce to numb the pain.

The rest of the meal is your standard KFC fare, deep fried chicken that seems to be getting saltier every year. I think some company did a chemical test on the secret “11 herbs and spices” recipe and exposed it as merely salt, pepper, and MSG. At this point, that revelation tastes pretty spot-on. Still, I have to admit that I enjoy KFC chicken when it comes in a reasonable quantity. And I must say that I am addicted to KFC’s potato wedges. It’s just too bad that only one in every two KFC’s seem to carry them. I have to restrain myself from hopping over the cashier’s table and recklessly throwing boxes of food around looking for these hot and crispy morsels whenever they don’t have them. But alas, I can’t jump that high.

The other side I chose was the iridescent and fluorescently orange macaroni and cheese. I would bet money on it glowing in the dark, which would be nice if I was decorating a garden and not actually ingesting it. You can choose healthier alternatives, but I have a sneaking suspicion that KFC only puts green beans on their menu to keep the FDA off their asses. I have never seen a human order it and doubt that they even have it in the restaurant. Let’s face it − you’ve gone this far, you might as well load yourself fully.

(Nutritional Facts – Varies depending on items, but it’s probably best not to know.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Hank the Tank for suggesting this feast.)

Item: KFC Fully Loaded Box Meal
Price: $6.99
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Lots of variety and choices for your taste buds to enjoy and for your gullet to suck down. Comes in a box that you can conveniently weigh on a scale to really make you feel like you’re getting your money’s worth. You can probably share the meal and still be satisfied.
Cons: Food can be kind of greasy. KFC’s buffalo sauce is liquid dynamite. Will make you feel like absolute crap. Listening to Linkin Park on those cloudy Mondays in middle school.

I was going to start off this review with some sexual analogy about how some women say size doesn’t matter. Then I realized how overused these types of analogies are. I’ve even used it in a previous review. I didn’t want to stoop to that level again, because this is a classy, well-respected quasi-review website that averages 20 visitors a day.

I could have said something like, “The KFC Snacker is small, but many people say it’s cute.”

Or I could have said, “The KFC Snacker maybe small, but it tries its best to get the job done.”

Or “The KFC Snacker is small, because it admits it’s very cold outside.”

Or “It’s not the size of the KFC Snacker that matters, it’s the motion of the ocean of secret herbs and spices.”

Okay, that last one was pretty lame.

However, instead of complaining about how small the KFC Snacker is in the form of badly written sexual innuendoes, I will tell you that the KFC Snacker was disappointing because of it’s size and performance.

The KFC Snacker is roughly the size and shape of a bar of soap, which is about half the size of other chicken sandwiches offered by other fast food joints. It comes with a sesame seed bun, some lettuce, mayonnaise, and a strip of chicken with the Colonial’s secret herbs and spices, all for 99 cents.

The $1 McChicken from McDonald’s isn’t as tasty as the KFC Snacker, but you definitely get more bang for the buck, since it is significantly bigger. I guess Colonial’s secret herbs and spices are getting rare or something.

Despite the typical delicious taste of those herbs and spices, I couldn’t get over the disappointment of how small it was and how it probably wouldn’t satisfy most people’s hunger.

I guess in the case of the KFC Snacker, size really does matter.

Item: KFC Snacker
Purchase Price: $0.99
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Typical Colonial secret herbs and spices. Tasty.
Cons: Too small in size, but cute.