An exclamation point is used to show excitement, pain, anger and, depending on the amount used, the degree of your LOL. Of those options, I’m not sure what the exclamation point in the Frosted Wild! Grape Pop-Tarts is trying to express. Maybe it’s the pain and/or anger of the grapes who are disappointed they were used in a filling for a toaster pastry instead of a fine Merlot wine from Napa Valley.

Or the unnecessary punctuation could be trying to show some excitement. Although, even though an exclamation point looks like an erection, there’s nothing really thrilling about grape Pop-Tarts. The only punctuations I feel best describe this latest Pop-Tarts flavor is a colon, following by a hyphen and then a vertical bar.

As you can see on the box, each Pop-Tart is baked with real fruit…oh, I’m sorry…Real Fruit! But this means absolutely nothing if you’re trying to consume your recommended daily servings of fruit since the filling is made up of only 10 percent fruit. Also, like all Pop-Tarts, each one is fortified with sad amounts of vitamins and minerals. These pitiful amounts are as satisfying as trying to masturbate to pictures of Amish women because only around 10 percent of their skin is showing.

If you’re expected the Frosted Wild! Grape Pop-Tarts to be healthier than, let’s say Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts, because it contains a little fruit, you will be disappointed. But honestly, just by looking at it, it’s easy to see it’s not the most healthiest item you can have as part of a complete breakfast. Try to name me any product with purple frosting and a radioactive green-colored drizzle that is healthy.

I’ve tried a lot of different Pop-Tart flavors in my lifetime and I have to say the Wild! Grape flavor is probably near the bottom of my favorite Pop-Tart flavors list, although I did like it. The grape flavor is a familiar one that I’ve tasted with either a grape candy or juice and it’s not overly sweet like some of the dessert flavored Pop-Tarts. It’s decent tasting, but if I want a fruit flavored Pop-Tart I’d prefer the frosted strawberry or blueberry ones. But if I want to be masochistic, deprive myself of sugary goodness and avoid unnecessary punctuation marks, I’ll purchase unfrosted Pop-Tarts.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% iron, 10% thiamin, 10% riboflavin, 10% niacin, 10% vitamin B6 and 8% folic acid.)

Item: Frosted Wild! Grape Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes decent toasted, straight out of the box or frozen. No trans fat. Using an exclamation point to express excitement. Exclamation point is an erect phallic punctuation.
Cons: Not one of my favorite flavors. Unnecessary use of an exclamation point. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Poor amounts of vitamins, minerals and fruit. Purple frosting and radioactive green drizzle is a little offputting. Trying to masturbate to pictures of heavily clothed Amish women. :-|

We are smack dab in the dog days of summer.

I always wanted to know why they called them that. Maybe it’s because when it’s almost 100 degrees and the humidity is thicker than a Shamrock Shake (and sometimes the same color if you’re in an urban area) humans tend to stick out their tongues like canines (or 30-year-old virgins watching Megan Fox do anything) to alleviate excess heat from their bodies. I actually don’t know if this is true, because I’ve never seen anyone who is considered mentally stable do it in public. However, in the privacy of their home it might be different.

If you do pant like a dog, perhaps you might want to try the new Dunkin’ Donuts Grape Coolatta flavor to help bring your body temperature to a level that doesn’t require an ice bath or a cold water wet t-shirt contest. Sadly, to TIB readers not from the East Coast, these flavors are unavailable since Dunkin’ always stays true to their roots and test markets new products in their backyard, but even though these flavors are allegedly available where I’m from, they are harder to find than Painite.

I went to five DD’s (you would think that’s a lot, but not when they’re on every single damn street) to try and find this slushy beverage. The first three sold out, and the fourth didn’t get their shipment of, I guess, the sugary syrup. When I reached the last Dunkin’ Donuts, I was very parched, and when I asked if they had the new flavors, I almost thought I was suffering from the heat which was melting my brain when the Dunkin’ Donuts employee said through a muffled speaker, “Yes, (mumble) we (mumble) Grape Coolatta.”

I finally had my frozen concoction in my possession. The color was a nice deep purple, which looked bold in DD’s clear cups. Then the moment had arrived, the moment that I was waiting for. I sucked on that straw, it hit my lips, then my taste buds….and it tasted just like a grape ice pop.

Not a total let down, not a total shocker, but there was some disappointment. I will sound like someone’s 80-year-old grandmother who used to chew on melted tar, because they couldn’t afford Big Red, when I say this, but you can purchase a huge bag of those double popsicles (or Siamese Ice Pops for you politically incorrect people) for the price of one medium or large Grape Coolatta.

Oh, it’s not the consistency you want? Take them off of the stick and dump the ice pops in the blender. Bingo. Grape Coolatta.

As a fan of the other Coolattas (Coffee, the newly resurrected Vanilla Bean and the Tropicana Orange), I’m confused why they picked grape to be a new flavor. If they were going with the ice pop motif, you would want to go with the most popular flavor — cherry.

Grape ice pops are good, but they’ve always been the last picked in my freezer and when we would get Fla-Vor-Ice at school on hot days. Maybe Dunkin’ felt bad about this. Every dog has his day, even if it’s one that’s hot as an aging biker chick with a lower back tattoo. Wait, that isn’t hot at all. Actually, that’s kind of gross.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 240 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber and 58 grams of sugar.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Grape Coolatta
Price: $2.99 (price may vary depending on location)
Size: 16 ounces (small)
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Cools you off on a hot day. Double ice pops. Dunkin’ Donuts around every corner in my area. Stays cold for a long time. Vanilla Bean is back.
Cons: Too expensive for what it actually is. Tastes like plain old grape ice pops. Old people saying the phrase “When I was a kid.” Only available for a limited time in a limited area. No Cherry Coolatta. Every calorie coming from sugar. Aging biker chicks with lower back tattoos.