Update: Ben & Jerry’s changed Clusterfluff’s name to What A Cluster.

Almost every time I eat Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, I break down and cry with tears mixed with sadness and happiness. It’s been the case with two of Ben & Jerry’s latest flavors, Red Velvet Cake and Clusterfluff. It’s as if the dairy in their products have the ability to turn my tear ducts into lactating cow udders.

I remember the first time I ever tasted Ben & Jerry’s. It was their Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. I couldn’t get enough of that creamy vanilla ice cream with those chunks of chocolate chip cookie dough. It was as if Ben and Jerry were consoling me and giving me a giant group hug from inside of me. Every spoonful I took made the hug tighter and I never wanted them to let go. I closed my eyes and just let Ben and Jerry hold me.

When I opened my eyes, half the pint was gone. It was at this exact moment that I started to weep because I knew Ben and Jerry couldn’t hug me forever. Although I wanted Ben and Jerry to give me a never-ending hugjob, I knew it wasn’t possible because if I continuously ate their ice cream, my body would blow up to the point where it would look like Ben and Jerry were actually in my body giving me a hug.

So that’s why Ben & Jerry’s ice cream makes me cry with mixed emotions; happiness because I’m eating damn tasty ice cream and sadness because I can’t get Ben and Jerry to give me a hugjob forever.

These latest Ben & Jerry’s flavors look good on paper and in the paper containers they come in. Red Velvet Cake is made up of red velvet cake batter ice cream with red velvet cake pieces and a cream cheese frosting swirl. While Clusterfluff has peanut butter ice cream with caramel cluster pieces, marshmallow swirls and peanut buttery swirls.

Red Velvet Cake had a lot of red velvet cake pieces mixed in, which was surprising because in previously reviewed Ben & Jerry’s flavors I complained about not having enough of the featured ingredient (See Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie and Chocolate Macadamia). At a quick glance, the pink ice cream and red velvet cake pieces look like what would happen if Huckleberry Pie left hickeys all over Strawberry Shortcake’s skin during a romp in the strawberry field.

Yup! I just ruined the 1980s for some of you.

The red velvet cake pieces are slightly chewy, but damn, they make the ice cream tasty by amplifying the red velvet cake flavor of the ice cream base. However, I thought the combination of the red velvet cake-flavored ice cream, red velvet cake pieces, and cream cheese frosting swirl became a little too rich for my taste buds after a few spoonfuls. This made it difficult to plow through the ice cream like I usually do with other Ben & Jerry’s flavors. But overall, Ben & Jerry’s did a solid job with their Red Velvet Ice Cream.

Clusterfluff is based on the fluffernutter, a sandwich made with peanut butter and marshmallow fluff. But as I ate the ice cream, I thought it ought to be renamed Clusternut because, while I could see the marshmallow swirls, peanut butter was all I could taste. Also, I think it rhymes better with the word that influenced the flavor’s name: clusterfuck.

For some reason, the ample caramel cluster pieces enhanced the flavor of the peanut butter ice cream and provided a crunchy texture in the ice cream. If I ate this ice cream and didn’t know they were caramel clusters, I would definitely think they were peanuts. While it tastes more like a Clusternut than a Clusterfluff, I did think it was divine for a peanut butter-flavored ice cream and I could see myself accidentally eating through half a pint in one sitting.

Ben & Jerry’s Red Velvet Cake and Clusterfluff are both really good flavors, and I’d place them on my list of top 12 Ben & Jerry’s flavors. While both are creamy and delicious, they also make me feel like Ben and Jerry are giving me a hugjob.

And, for me, that’s all that really matters.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – Red Velvet Cake – 250 calories, 120 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein. Clusterfluff – 320 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 23 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Red Velvet Cake reviews:
Rodzilla Reviews
On Second Scoop
Fish and Spaghetti

Other Ben & Jerry’s Clusterfluff reviews:
Rodzilla Reviews
On Second Scoop
Fish and Spaghetti

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Red Velvet Cake and Clusterfluff
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Red Velvet Cake)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Clusterfluff)
Pros: Both make me feel like Ben and Jerry are giving me a hugjob. Clusterfluff has a divine peanut butter flavor and is easy to eat through. Lots of red velvet cake chunks mixed into the ice cream. Caramel clusters were plentiful. Hugjobs.
Cons: Red Velvet Cake might be too rich for some. Can’t taste the marshmallow swirl in Clusterfluff. Not being able to have Ben and Jerry give me a hugjob forever.

Häagen-Dazs is quite possibly the Mercedes-Benz of the ice cream world. Both exhibit high quality in their respective industries and both have the letter Z in the second word of their names. Okay, maybe I’m making this comparison because I watched a marathon of Top Gear episodes thanks to Netflix.

But for Americans, when they imagine a European luxury car maker, they’ll probably think Mercedes Benz, and when they imagine a European premium ice cream, they’ll probably think Häagen-Dazs.

However, there’s a problem with that, because Häagen-Dazs is, and has always been, an American company. It’s as American as apple pie, baseball, and people suing fast food companies for making them fat. Now I could say I knew Häagen-Dazs has been an American company all this time, but like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie, and I blame the umlaut-ed A for my ignorance.

Umlaut! Thou trickery shall not be forgotten and I shall place you under a lowercase L, the number one, or a Sheffer stroke to shame you.

With the knowledge that Häagen-Dazs is an American company and apple pie is as American as…itself, I think the Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie ice cream is the most patriotic ice cream ever. Although some might say, Ben & Jerry’s Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream is the most patriotic ice cream, but the only way it could be more patriotic than the Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie is if it contained actual chunks of Mr. Colbert or a gooey swirl of his Formula 401.

The Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie, a.k.a. The Most American Ice Cream, is made up of apple ice cream, chunks of apples, caramel swirls, and chunks of pie crust. When combined, it’s as if I’m eating an American flag that’s been wrapped around the U.S. Constitution, which has been stuffed with the Bill of Rights that contains grounded bits of other things I learned in grade school social studies, all of which has been covered with lots of cinnamon, which is the most dominate flavor in the Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie.

The apple ice cream is what you expect from a Häagen-Dazs ice cream: creamy, easy to scoop, and something so deliciously right, but yet, so addictively wrong. The apple and pie crust chunks were small, and in about 60 percent of the spoonfuls I took from the 14-ounce container, I ended up with either a chunk of apple or a chunk of pie crust. But having a spoonful with both was extremely rare.

The apple chunks brought a little more apple flavor beyond the apple ice cream, and it was nice having them in there to provide the crisp texture of apples. I guess having actual apple chunks are one of the little things that makes Häagen-Dazs a premium American ice cream maker. The buttery pie crust chunks were one of the best parts of the ice cream, because when mixed with the apple ice cream, it tastes somewhat similar to an actual apple pie. As for the caramel, despite being a focal ingredient of this ice cream, it doesn’t really stand out, nor does it complement anything. It sort of gets lost within the cinnamon, which is fine by me.

Overall, I like the Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie ice cream, although I do wish it had more pie crust chunks. The combination of apple ice cream and cinnamon is a winner, but at the same time it makes me yearn for a real apple pie à la mode.

Oh wait, that’s not the American way to say it. I meant to say, apple pie served with ice cream.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 250 calories, 130 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, and 8% calcium.)

Item: Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Caramel Apple Pie
Price: $4.19
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: U-S-A! Apple ice cream and cinnamon make an awesome combination. Creamy. Apple ice cream and pie crust chunks make an awesome combination. Apple chunks added a little more apple flavor and a nice crisp texture. Eating apple pie while watching baseball with a bald eagle perched on my shoulder make an awesome combination. Top Gear. Netflix. Fun with punctuations. U-S-A!
Cons: Only 14 ounces. Not a satisfying substitute for apple pie served with ice cream. Small chunks of pie crust and apples. Not enough chunks of pie crust and apples. The umlaut tricking me into thinking Häagen-Dazs is a European company.

This past holiday weekend, I had the pleasure of visiting the mile-high city of Denver. I saw the Rocky Mountains, miles and miles of rolling amber prairie, and the giant Zombie Demon Horse at the airport.

Oh, you’ve never heard of this nightmarish equine fiend from Hell?

It’s a thing of rare, unmitigated monstrousness with its jagged, shiny metal form, gaping mouth, wildly probing tongue, and glowing red eyes. It fuels dark visions of the end times and makes one wonder whether the city of Denver is the ideal location for a zombie demon invasion, what with the mountains providing protection from the hordes of undead monsters and all. It also invites speculation as to whether the airport’s Zombie Demon Horse, itself, would be the thing that allows these foul creatures to enter our dimension. Would this 32-foot statue be the glowing, neon sign that declares “Denver is Open for Zombie Demon Business?” I only mention this Zombie Demon Horse because it has exactly one thing in common with the new Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble ice cream: It’s blue.

Much like being subjected to night-terror-inducing public works of art, it isn’t often that we encounter naturally-occurring blue food. I can count all the blue foods I’ve eaten on one hand: blue potatoes, blue corn chips, bleu cheese (it’s the mold that’s blue), and, of course, blueberries. There is no shortage of blueberries in Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble, which gives it a nice, violet color. It’s smooth and isn’t clumpy, which certain types of fruity ice cream seem to be.

With my first bite, I was wowed by the Blueberry Crumble’s flavorful combination of real blueberries and fresh cream. The packaging boasts of ripe, simmered blueberries, and frankly, I think they’ve hit a home run with the recipe. Nothing about it tastes artificial – this is made from real fruit. A quick scan of the ingredients lists confirms a refreshing lack of chemical additives and preservatives.

The texture of the ice cream is smooth and dense, and the crushed blueberries are evenly mixed throughout. However, the “cobbler crust crumbles” – tiny pieces of buttery cobbler that have been folded into the ice cream — are not as plentiful as we are led to believe. Every third bite may include some of the crumble, but overall, it’s mostly blueberry-flavored ice cream. Not what I expected, since the label strongly suggests that you’ll be digging into something that would be at least 50 percent crumbly. The tiny bits of cobbler taste yummy and are an interesting addition, but the pieces aren’t large enough and don’t add much to the experience. The Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble is tasty, but I wish it was bursting with cobbler crumbles.

The Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble may be just the thing to have in the mountains while we’re taking shelter from the zombie demon apocalypse. It’s pretty cold up there, so we can leave the ice cream just about anywhere. In fact, it may be the only thing we’ll have to eat for months, since the power grid will go down within three hours of the Zombie Demon Horse’s clarion call to arms for the denizens of the Underworld. I suggest you start stocking up on Blueberry Crumble now and head for the hills.

(Nutrition Facts- ½ cup (102 grams) –250 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 21 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 0% vitamin A, 8% calcium, 0% vitamin C and 0% iron.)

Item: Häagen-Dazs Limited Edition Blueberry Crumble
Price: $3.99
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Vons
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Made from real blueberries and fresh cream. Blue foods are rare. Smooth and dense texture. Violet. The majestic beauty of the Rocky Mountains. Yummy buttery crust crumbles. Delicious, ice-cream-based survival.
Cons: Zombie Demon Horses. Misleading label. Terrifying works of public art. Cobbler crust crumbles are small and don’t add much to the experience. Wildly probing tongues. Gateway airports to the Underworld.

Bonnaroo Buzz was originally a flavor only available at Ben & Jerry’s Scoop Shops, but, recently, they’ve packed all that coffee and malt ice cream, toffee chunk, and whiskey caramel swirl goodness into a pint sized container you can buy at your local grocery store.

The ice cream is named after the annual Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival in Tennessee. (Side note: My future first child, whether it’s a boy or girl, will also be named after the Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival, since Bonnaroo sounds like a great uni-sex name.) Just like Bonnaroo Buzz ice cream combines a variety of flavors, the Bonnaroo event brings together musicians from a variety of genres, like rock, hip-hop, jazz, country, folk, gospel, and reggae. Sadly, Bonnaroo Buzz ice cream won’t let you experience the sounds, sun, sweat, stank and skunkweed smoke at the Bonnaroo Festival.

A half cup of Bonnaroo Buzz has 280 calories, 14 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 25 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

When the wind chill is thirty below and I’m at the grocery store, the last thing in the world that I want is for someone to steal my coat, but the next-to-last thing I want is ice cream, so winter specialty flavors meant nothing to me back in Illinois. Last week, however, while basking in a short-lived California heat wave, I felt drawn to a tub of Dreyer’s Slow Churned Limited Edition Egg Nog Ice Cream.

Frankly, egg nog sounds like an obvious, even lazy flavor choice. The product itself is just slightly off-color, but not in an egg shell or cream kind of way. It’s more like evenly coated yellow snow, tinged with a creeping bit of fear and self-doubt.

The flavor isn’t overwhelmingly sweet, which I guess is the point of the whole Slow Churned line. Unlike some low-ish fat ice cream options, however, nothing about it tastes terribly off and the ingredients list hasn’t kept me awake at night.

If you’re like me or the five people I’ve discussed this with thus far, the only thing you’re probably concerned about is whether or not the nutmeg flavor is present. Calm down. It’s there. No extraneous nutmeg buying expenses required. Really, that’s three-quarters of the way to a quality egg nog product right there.

See? Minimal effort all the way.

I found I actually enjoyed the ice cream more once it had slightly melted, which basically only indicates that, yes, I like egg nog.

I won’t name any names, but I’ve witnessed the creation of chewable egg nog before, and it ain’t pretty. From that experience I learned that I prefer my egg nog to be a liquid, rather than a liquid and some solids strained through a 99 cent wicker cornucopia. Not that the end result tasted bad, but the process was still questionable. The main point here is that I wouldn’t have dreamed of eating those superfluous egg chunks, and while the ice cream does not share the same troubling texture, I’m still less enthused about this whole solid nog concept.

Dreyer’s Egg Nog Ice Cream is unquestionably fairly tasty. However, it fails on three of my four main egg nog qualifications which are:

1. Nutmeg prominence
2. Drinkability
3. Warmth
4. Ability to combine with rum and not make the saddest ice cream float ever

Unless you’re already freezing, you probably won’t regret trying this stuff. You’ll just wonder why you didn’t grab some no-frills, non-chilly egg nog instead. If you’re a cold nog kind of person, this will make even less sense for you. And really that’s the bottom line – there’s no outstanding perk or fantastic reason to go back for a few more scoops instead of melting it down and slurping it up.

In this case limited edition seems to equate to acknowledgement of lack of staying power, yet they mention it being “back.” Did I just miss it last year? More importantly, am I supposed to be anticipating this next year? Because next year I plan on nodding knowingly as I pass by the freezer section in search of the special holiday fulfillment Dreyer’s could not provide. I hate to break it to you like this, Dreyer’s, but I’m leaving you for either Southern Comfort or Soy Nog. I like you. I just don’t like like you. I’m sorry.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 110 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 6% calcium, 0% vitamin C and 0% iron.)

Item: Dreyer’s Slow Churned Limited Edition Egg Nog Ice Cream
Price: $3.49
Size: 1.5 Quarts
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 5 out 10
Pros: Nutmeg. That heat wave last week. Tastes far better than it looks. It’s actually ice cream rather than a bag of worms or something. Half the fat of “regular ice cream.” Creamy.
Cons: Yellow snow. Egg nog with chunks. Ice cream in a Midwestern winter. Mini rum nog floats. Frostbite. Uncertainty over what constitutes “regular ice cream.” No coziness. Better melted. Fills non-exist nog niche.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

I didn’t know Panera Bread makes their own potato chips. I wonder if people buy a bag just so they can hang out at a Panera to use their free WiFi? (via Munchies Blog)

I miss chewing sugary bubblegums that rot my teeth. I also miss the tooth I lost from chewing sugary bubblegums that rot my teeth. (via Gum Alert)

It’s rare that the picture on a product’s packaging looks worse than the actual product. Seriously, the picture on the box looks like home insulation foam enclosed in box made with pressed wood. (via On Second Scoop)

Asahi is Japan’s largest brewery, so it surprises me that their beverage called 9 PM isn’t a beer. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Hmm…I’m trying to figure out which is more disgusting: bacon gumballs or haggis-flavored chips? It would be an easier decision if the haggis-flavored chips were packaged inside of a sheep’s stomach. (via Foodstuff Finds)