Jimmy Dean describes their Jimmy D’s breakfast entrees, which consist of french toast sticks with sausage, something that looks like a corn dog and these French Toast Griddlers, as “Satisfying, hearty breakfast to help kids do their best.”

Really?

I thought threats of taking away their Xbox 360; punishment in the form of them having to put on a clown costume and entertain the rest of the family; and using toys, candy and cold hard cash as bribes were the only ways to help kids do their best.

If all it takes is a microwaveable breakfast sandwich made from cinnamon glazed french toast and a Jimmy Dean turkey sausage patty to help children achieve their goals, then I’ve got parenting down pat. Bring on the women who wish to bear my children and I shall provide them with an ample supply of Jimmy D’s products and a standalone freezer.

If I fed my future illegitimate children these Jimmy D’s French Toast Griddlers and they helped my children do their best, I can imagine how successful they’ll become. With my genes, I’m sure they’ll accomplish amazing things, like become Walmart greeters, carnival game attendants, unemployed writers or repressive dictators of uninhabited islands.

Like the use of comic book fonts on the packaging, it appears Jimmy Dean used turkey sausage, instead of pork sausage, in their French Toast Griddlers for the children, who probably don’t need to consume twice the fat and saturated fat the pork sausages would’ve provided. But even if the sausages were made out of pork, the children probably wouldn’t notice as they stuff it down their gullets as they get ready for school to be the best that they can be.

Most children would probably enjoy the sweet and salty combination of the cinnamon flavored French toast with the turkey sausage. It’s like a poor child’s McDonald’s McGriddle. It’s also a healthier child’s McDonald’s McGriddle, since it has three times less fat, saturated fat, sodium and sugar than a Sausage McGriddle.

However, I’m not a child, I’m just a man who watches Ni Hao, Kai-Lan on Nick Jr. to help me start conversations with the workers at the Chinese restaurants and shady places I frequent, and I think the French Toast Griddlers are bland. The turkey sausage doesn’t have the same quality flavor and spice as Jimmy Dean’s pork sausage and the cinnamon glaze on the French toast isn’t pronounced.

The sausage patty is slightly smaller than the French toast buns and both are easy to bite through after being microwaved for 85 seconds. There’s also an egginess to the French toast, which makes me wish there was also a layer of scrambled eggs in this sandwich.

If Jimmy Dean wanted to make their French Toast Griddlers better, they could use Jimmy Dean’s flavorful pork sausage and, perhaps, sweeten the French toast with syrup, but, of course, adding all of that would create a satisfying, hearty breakfast to help kids do their best…to get fat.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich/102 g – 210 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 390 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 2% calcium and 10% iron.)

*contains interesterified soybean oil and hydrogenated soybean oil

Item: Jimmy Dean Jimmy D’s French Toast Griddlers
Price: $7.49
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Individually wrapped. Ready in 85 seconds. Uses healthier turkey sausage. Eight grams of protein. Helps kids do their best. Learning Chinese via Ni Hao, Kai-Lan.
Cons: Bland. Turkey sausage is less flavorful than Jimmy Dean’s pork sausage. Cinnamon flavor is too light. My future illegitimate children becoming Walmart greeters, carnival game attendants, unemployed writers or repressive dictators of uninhabited islands.

I am not a morning person.

I wish I could tell you that I wake up at the crack of dawn, quickly jump out of bed, and sing the praises of being the early bird that gets the worm, but I don’t. Instead, I get up when my alarm clock tells me to. But even when it tells me to, I violently hit its snooze button 3-5 times before slowly rolling out of bed. And there aren’t any praises in the morning, just slightly loud cursing and threats at the inanimate object that wakes me up every morning.

There are things I would wake up early for, like Saturday morning cartoons, Macy’s sales, and the opportunity to stick it to senior citizens by getting up before they do, being the first in line when McDonald’s opens their doors, and buying all the coffee. But something I would not get up early for is the Jimmy Dean Sausage and Cheese on a Croissant Breakfast Entree.

Look at that picture above. Would you want to get up for that? If I woke up next to that, I would roll onto my side, fall back asleep, and hog all of the blankets, letting it get cold.

The sausage and cheese croissant, which makes the Burger King Croissanwich look like filet mignon, is in the tray’s main compartment, seasoned hash browns are in the upper right, and diced apples are in the lower right. I felt the need to point out where the hash browns and diced apples are because they could easily be confused, like Gary Busey, Nick Nolte, and zombies.

Jimmy Dean is known for his sausage and in this entree his sausage was tasty, albeit small, but EVERYTHING else didn’t come close to the quality of Jimmy Dean’s sausage. The croissant, which are usually crispy and flaky, was tough, chewy, and nowhere near flaky; the apples tasted like apples and they had a slight crunch to them, but they weren’t sweet, which made them quite bland; and the hash browns were lightly seasoned, but not seasoned enough to make you forget how soggy they were.

If you thought all of that was disappointing, I shall continue the dismay by saying the Jimmy Dean Sausage and Cheese On A Croissant Breakfast Entree has 50% of your daily recommended allowance of saturated fat, 1050 milligrams of sodium, and three grams of trans fat. The amount of trans fat is the most disheartening because if KFC, whose middle name is Fried, can go trans fat free, why can’t Jimmy Dean?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to roll onto my side, fall asleep, and hog all of the blankets.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 entree – 560 calories, 30 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 3 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 1050 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbs, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 21 grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 10% Calcium, and 15% Iron.)

Item: Jimmy Dean Sausage and Cheese On A Croissant Breakfast Entrees
Price: $4.79
Size: 7.6 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Sausage was tasty, but as for the rest of it not so much. It makes a Burger King Croissanwich look good. Contains all four major food groups.
Cons: Sausage was small. 3 grams of trans fat. Croissant was chewy and not flaky. High in sodium and saturated fat. Hash browns were soggy. Apples were bland. Gary Busey, Nick Nolte, and zombies