Thanks KFC.

The name of your new KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwich probably just gave the Black Eyed Peas a title for a new mindless and shallow song that will make my car’s speakers weep as it’s played in heavy rotation on the radio, make my TV’s speakers groan as it’s played during timeouts at NBA games and make my computer’s speakers take their own lives by blow themselves out when that song randomly starts playing on Pandora, thanks to my Miley Cyrus station.

Are you really willing to take responsibility for clogging ears, like you clog arteries with lyrics that may go like this?

You know I’m Doublicious.
This beat is phat and expeditious.
These lyrics make me seditious.
Carrots cake is not nutritious.

And you may think it ends with being overplayed on the radio, at NBA games and on the internet, but thousands of people will have that song set as their muthafrickin’ ringtone. Oh, but it doesn’t stop there either. It will continue to pollute the airwaves by being featured on a Now That’s What I Call Music! compilation, then children are going to cover the song on a Kidz Bop album, and if there’s another direct-to-DVD Air Bud or Beverly Hills Chihuahua movie, it will probably be on the soundtrack.

And that’s still not the end of it because a Black Eyed Peas song never dies, it either gets recycled or comes back to life over and over again to eat away at your brain, like a musical zombie. But there’s no head to shoot off with a shotgun.

Shoving Black Eyed Peas lyrics down my ears is like trying to make me buy the Original and Grilled KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwiches again, because I don’t want to do either regularly.

On paper, both KFC sandwiches look good. The Original Doublicious includes an Original Recipe filet topped with bacon, Monterey Jack cheese and the Colonel’s Sauce, while the Grilled Doublicious has a grilled filet with Monterey Jack cheese, lettuce and honey mustard BBQ sauce. Both sandwiches come with a Hawaiian sweet bread bun.

With the bun, KFC is trying to create a sweet and savory combination, which is perhaps the reason for the name Doublicious, or double delicious, if you will. However, I felt the bun wasn’t as sweet or as soft as the Hawaiian sweet bread I grew up with. The bun also had perfectly placed grill marks on the inside of it, which looked just as off-putting as the grill marks found on KFC’s Grilled Chicken. But what’s even more disturbing was the size of each Doublicious sandwich, which were quite small for the $4.49 I paid for each of them.

While they may not be hearty sandwiches, I did think they were both good, but the sweet and savory combo punch didn’t knock me to my feet. As I mentioned earlier, I thought the bun wasn’t as sweet as the Hawaiian sweet bread I grew up with, but I think its sweetness and flavor gets lost even more with the sweetness of the sauces.

The cheese in both sandwiches don’t have any impact on flavor. The bacon in the Original version makes the sandwich a little more savory and the lettuce in the Grilled one makes it appear healthier. As for the chicken filets, the Original one was a little crispy, while the Grilled one was a little creepy with the weird grill marks on them.

While both sandwiches are sweet and savory, I think they are so because of their sauces. The flavor of the chicken and their secret herbs and spices get lost with the sauces. It makes me wonder why KFC is trying to hide what they’re known for. It’s like they don’t believe the flavor of their chicken can stand on its own.

I wish KFC would believe in what makes their chicken finger lickin’ good, just like I wish a particular hip-hop group would stop making songs with lyrics that go like this:

I’m on the supersonic boom.
Y’all hear the spaceship zoom.
When, when I step inside the room.
Them girls go ape-shit, uh.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Original – 470 calories, 23 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat* (*may contain less than 0.5 grams of trans fat), 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 980 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar and 33 grams of protein. Grilled – 360 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 940 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 34 grams of protein.)

Read other KFC Doublicious Reviews:
Grub Grade Original and Grilled
Brand Eating Original and Grilled
Serious Eats
Slashfood
Geekweek
Would I Buy It Again

Item: KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwich (Original & Grilled)
Price: $4.49 each
Size: 187 grams (Original)
Size: 200 grams (Grilled)
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Original)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Grilled)
Pros: Good. Use of Hawaiian sweet bread bun. Good source of protein. Bacon. Black Eyed Peas before Fergie. KFC’s secret herbs and spices.
Cons: Damn small. Pricey for what you get. Sweet and savory flavor is dominated by sauces and didn’t blow me away. Not double delicious. Black Eyed Peas songs being played EVERYWHERE. Great source of sodium. Grill marks on bun freak me out. Can’t kill a Black Eyed Peas song.

The KFC Double Down is like an iPad. You don’t need it, but a small part of you wants it. (via Junk Food Betty)

I hope the KFC Double Down isn’t going to start a trend of bun-less sandwiches, because it’s going to be hard eating bun-less Subway sandwiches. (via Brand Eating)

The KFC Double Down is like a fast food Noah’s Ark. It’s got two pieces of chicken, two strips of bacon and two slices of cheese. (via We Rate Stuff)

I wonder how much of a low-carb erection the KFC Double Down would give Dr. Atkins, if he were alive today. (via Epic Portions)

The only way KFC can outdo their Double Down is to top their Popcorn Chicken with movie theater butter. (via Grub Grade)

The new KFC Original Boneless Filet makes me wonder if the company has choked their creative chicken too many times. After coming out with noteworthy products, like their Kentucky Grilled Chicken and Fiery Grilled Wings, they came out with a product that’s basically the stuff they stick in between buns to make some of their sandwiches.

It’s like KFC came up with the idea during their refractory period after choking their creative chicken, because as every man knows, it’s difficult to get anything to come up during a refractory period. That includes good ideas.

To give you an idea of how big a KFC Original Boneless Filet is, just imagine four McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets fused together into something that would make McNuggets even more unnatural. It’s lightly breaded and seasoned with the Colonel’s secret herbs and spices and then dumped into a sleeve usually reserved for KFC’s potato wedges.

If you’re familiar with KFC’s chicken, then you know what their Original Boneless Filet tastes like. It’s the same flavor you’ve learned to love, although beyond that there’s nothing exciting about its flavor and, even though it looks like a giant chicken nugget, it doesn’t come with a dipping sauce. The chicken was tender and somewhat juicy, but the exterior coating wasn’t crispy and seemed like it was just there to provide some friction to make sure the deep-fried chicken doesn’t slide out of its sleeve. Overall, the KFC Original Boneless Filet wasn’t original, nor does it get me excited.

Personally, I like bones in my chicken because they remind me I’m eating an animal and that I’m higher on the food chain than them. Yeah! Suck on that chickens! While I suck on my fingers, because you’re finger lickin’ good. I also like having bones around in case I have to defend myself against a rancor.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 filet – 170 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 360 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar and 23 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Brand Eating also reviewed them)

Item: KFC Original Boneless Filet
Price: $5.99 (meal)
Size: 96 grams each
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: No bones. KFC herbs and spices. Chicken was tender. Being higher on the food chain than a chicken.
Cons: Same stuff found in their sandwiches. Coating wasn’t crispy. Doesn’t come with a dipping sauce. Refractory periods. Choking one’s creative chicken too many times. Having to defend yourself against rancors.

The new KFC Fiery Grilled Wings aren’t covered in a sauce, like KFC’s other chicken wing alternatives. Instead they’re marinated in peppers and then grilled. I like the idea of having a sauceless spicy wing because it’s less messy. Although I really do enjoy cleaning my fingers when they’re covered in sauce, because when I do it, it’s not a chore, it’s an art.

Starting with my thumb, I lick the entire length of my finger, from the bottom to the top. When I reach the tip, I flick it with my tongue a few times and then lick around the tip, moving my tongue in a circular motion. I count “one Mississippi” in my head to time each circular lick. Then I wrap my entire mouth around my finger, tightly sealing my lips around my finger’s base.

While my finger is in my mouth, I push my tongue up against the underside of my finger to help make sure I’m getting every little morsel off of it. As I slowly pull my finger out of my orifice, I tighten my grip around it with my lips and then count, “one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi.” When my lips reach the tip, I smack my lips and then slowly lick them from one side to the other to make sure all the flavor is in my mouth and not anywhere else. Then I repeat the process with the other fingers.

When I want to shake things up a bit, I’ll stick two or three fingers in my mouth at one time. When I’m feeling really adventurous I’ll stick four fingers in. And when I’m under the influence of something, I’ll attempt to fit my entire fist in my mouth.

But again, since the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings aren’t covered in sauce, I won’t need to do any sucking, licking or Mississippi counting.

I enjoyed KFC’s Kentucky Grilled Chicken and I like this smaller, spicier version just as much. However, if you don’t like spicy hot food in your mouth and then coming out your other end, you should avoid these because they will light your ass on fire. On a scale of 1-10 with three being the heat generated by putting your laptop on your lap and 10 being the burning sensation while peeing due to a night of unprotected sex with someone/something you shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with, I feel the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings come in at a seven.

The hot spices also add just enough flavor to not overpower the taste of the Kentucky Grilled Chicken that I know and love. The combination of hot spices with the regular spices added to the grilled chicken make for a delicious bird limb.

If there’s one thing that bothered me about them, it’s the lack of wing pieces. As you can see in the photo above, I received one wing piece and the rest were drumsticks. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t know if it’s really a negative, since I prefer drumsticks over wings because they’re easier to eat.

Overall, I really liked the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings and if you enjoy spicy wings, you’ll probably like them too. But if you enjoy the sensation of sucking and licking sauce off of your fingers in a NSFW way and/or don’t like spicy food, I wouldn’t recommend these chicken wings.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 wing – 70 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber and 7 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings are slightly more expensive than most places. Their advertised price is $3.99 for five pieces. Also, check out Junk Food Betty’s review.)

Item: KFC Fiery Grilled Wings
Price: $4.99
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Delicious bird limbs. Spicy hot. Flavorful. Lack of sauce makes it cleaner to eat. Being able to spell Mississippi correctly. Sucking and licking sauce-covered fingers in a NSFW way.
Cons: Spiciness might be too much for some eaters. Lack of wing pieces might be a problem for some. Those who enjoy sucking and licking sauce-covered fingers will be disappointed.

UPDATE: Click here to read our KFC Fiery Grilled Wings review.

I guess KFC’s Kentucky Grilled Chicken, introduced earlier this year, was successful enough to warrant a sequel — KFC’s Fiery Grilled Wings.

I just hope this latest version is better than any of the straight-to-DVD American Pie sequels. All I know is that it has 100 percent less breasts than any American Pie movie.

While the original version was a significantly healthier option than KFC’s regular chicken, the Fiery Grilled Wings are slightly better for you than their regular wings, since they’re not only grilled, but also marinated instead of coated in a sauce like their other wing flavors. These new spicy wings are also 50 percent larger than KFC’s other wings.

A KFC Fiery Grilled Wing contains 70 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber and 7 grams of protein.

They’re available in the following sizes: 5 pieces for $3.99, 20 for $13.99 and 30 for $21.99.

With Guitar Hero’s market share thoroughly decimated by the popularity of Rock Band, it comes as no surprise that they would look towards the Colonel for a little promotional help. Pretending to rock out with Guitar Hero is now something to be ashamed of, like playing with K’NEX instead of LEGO or rooting for the LA Clippers.

Box meals from KFC seem to vary from location to location, with some offering popcorn chicken and others giving you a Snacker, but as Linkin Park once said as I cried myself to sleep in junior high: In the end, it doesn’t even matter. These meals will be the ruin of you. At easily over a thousand calories, not including the gigantic cauldron of soda that you’ll have to hold in your child’s car seat, either the fat, salt, or sheer mass intake will be sure to have you running to Yahoo Answers so that you can ask about the possible side effects of bulimia.

The meal came with a Snacker, a leg or thigh, two original crispy strips, two sides, and a biscuit. I might as well have asked them to deep fry the biscuit in that secret batter just to ensure that all non-side items taste exactly the same. I tried to entice my taste buds by asking for the Buffalo Snacker. That was a mistake. The sauce tasted like tomato paste that had been mixed with a bottle of pepper spray and nuked in the microwave until it completely exploded. You will almost certainly choke on the fumes, but at least you’ll have a few shreds of iceberg lettuce to numb the pain.

The rest of the meal is your standard KFC fare, deep fried chicken that seems to be getting saltier every year. I think some company did a chemical test on the secret “11 herbs and spices” recipe and exposed it as merely salt, pepper, and MSG. At this point, that revelation tastes pretty spot-on. Still, I have to admit that I enjoy KFC chicken when it comes in a reasonable quantity. And I must say that I am addicted to KFC’s potato wedges. It’s just too bad that only one in every two KFC’s seem to carry them. I have to restrain myself from hopping over the cashier’s table and recklessly throwing boxes of food around looking for these hot and crispy morsels whenever they don’t have them. But alas, I can’t jump that high.

The other side I chose was the iridescent and fluorescently orange macaroni and cheese. I would bet money on it glowing in the dark, which would be nice if I was decorating a garden and not actually ingesting it. You can choose healthier alternatives, but I have a sneaking suspicion that KFC only puts green beans on their menu to keep the FDA off their asses. I have never seen a human order it and doubt that they even have it in the restaurant. Let’s face it − you’ve gone this far, you might as well load yourself fully.

(Nutritional Facts – Varies depending on items, but it’s probably best not to know.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Hank the Tank for suggesting this feast.)

Item: KFC Fully Loaded Box Meal
Price: $6.99
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Lots of variety and choices for your taste buds to enjoy and for your gullet to suck down. Comes in a box that you can conveniently weigh on a scale to really make you feel like you’re getting your money’s worth. You can probably share the meal and still be satisfied.
Cons: Food can be kind of greasy. KFC’s buffalo sauce is liquid dynamite. Will make you feel like absolute crap. Listening to Linkin Park on those cloudy Mondays in middle school.