The MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles does the opposite of what the cafeteria workers at my old elementary school did with lasagna. Instead of chopping vegetables, like carrots and celery, into tiny pieces in order to trick us into eating veggies, the MorningStar Farms Lasagna has decent-sized chunks of vegetables dumped right on top. They let me know I’m getting vegetables whether I like it or not.

I’m no longer the chubby fourth grader who avoided vegetables anyway I could. I’m now the chubby college graduate who eats vegetables because my doctor told me to or else I’m going to die. So I don’t mind this veggie lasagna having a heaping pile of vegetables on top, which consists of carrots, onions, red bell peppers, red onions and kale.

The MorningStar Farms Lasagna is one of two products, the other being their Sweet & Sour Chik’n meal, that the company has introduced to dip their toes in the vast pond of microwaveable frozen meals. If you’ve seen how immense the microwaveable frozen meal aisle is, you know their toes will get pulled under and lost somewhere within the Lean Cuisine Sea or Healthy Choice Ocean.

Like a multistoried Banana Republic, this veggie lasagna has something different on each level. The ground floor has a zesty marinara sauce mixed with an Italian sausage-like veggie crumble, the next floor up contains an unnaturally bright white ricotta cheese, the top floor has the previously mentioned vegetables mixed with more marinara sauce and everything is roofed with mozzarella cheese.

I had high expectations for the MorningStar Farms Lasagna because I enjoy many of MorningStar Farms products. But I should’ve had the same expectations anyone should have when meeting someone in person from their local Craigslist — low, ready to dump at a moment’s notice or be prepared to spray with pepper. The noodles were chewier than I would’ve liked, the vegetables added a crunchy texture, and the zesty marinara sauce wasn’t very zesty. Also, the Italian sausage-like veggie crumble wasn’t noticeable in the lasagna. I was hoping for a spicier flavor, but instead got something that wasn’t very Italian, like Jersey Shore’s Snooki and JWoww.

Overall, the MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles was disappointing and if I have to recommend a frozen microwaveable lasagna entree that uses fake meat, I’d suggest the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna…if you can find it somewhere in the middle of Banquet Bay or the Gulf of Hungry-Man.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 entree – 270 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 590 milligrams of sodium, 650 milligrams of potassium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 6% vitamin C, 25% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles
Price: $5.49
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Veggies added crunch. Wide variety of veggies. Better for you than microwaveable lasagna entrees that use real meat. Somewhat filling. High in protein. Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna.
Cons: Expensive. Bland. Disappointing. Zesty marinara sauce wasn’t very zesty. Noodles were chewier than I would’ve liked. Sausage style crumble didn’t have flavor. Ricotta cheese was unusually bright white. Jersey Shore.

Nothing beats a home cooked Italian meal. The smell of the sauce simmering, the perfectly cooked al dente pasta and enough garlic to keep a Hot Topic-clad Twilight vampire poser at bay is certainly a premature foodgasm waiting to happen.

When I’m in Philadelphia and away from my mommy (yes, I still call her mommy) and I’ve devoured all of the frozen casseroles of freshly made eggplant and chicken parmesan she so graciously made for me, I pretty much throw myself to the wolves. When I say “wolves” I mean the crazy people that stroll through the aisles at Whole Foods.

I don’t hate Whole Foods; I just don’t like dodging the swarms of hybrid vehicles in the parking lot. Yes, I applaud you for driving an eco-friendly car, but that doesn’t mean you have the right to drive like a total douche. (Side Note: I have yet to see a Hummer at a Whole Foods. I guess they’re too scared to go there because their precious road beast will get pelted with organic, hormone-free eggs.) Despite the high probability of being hit by a Prius, I do head over to Whole Foods because they have the biggest selection of Amy’s Organic frozen meals.

Amy’s always comes out with some great frozen meals that don’t have me questioning my sexual identity when I’m eating one, unlike when I consume Hungry Man dinners. These organic pasta pillows filled with ricotta are really freakin’ good. The sauce, which is made from organic tomatoes, was plentiful and wasn’t too acidic, nor was it really sweet. They reminded me of ravioli that you would order at — dare I say it — Olive Garden. I added a bit of grated Parmesan cheese to the top, but it really didn’t need it since the sauce and ravioli are so damn tasty.

Although Amy’s may appear healthy, since many people associate the word “organic” with something that’s good for them, this is most definitely not health food. If you compare it with a deep fried cheesesteak, then yeah it looks healthy. There is a lot of fat packed in this little bowl; 12 grams of it to be exact (4.5 grams of saturated fat) and it felt like lead in my stomach a minute after I inhaled this meal. Although that could be from not eating anything all day and scarfing down my dinner, so individual results may vary.

It’s really worth the price tag even though you can live off of Banquet Meals for at least four or five days for the same price of one Amy’s Organic Ravioli Bowl. I’m saying “live” loosely here, because I think your quality of life after a few days of feasting from the Red Box of Death might be affected. But in all fairness, if you decide to go all out and splurge and eat Amy’s Organic Ravioli Bowls every day your vital organs will not be thanking you.

However, your taste buds might.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl – 380 calories, 12 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 55 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 20% calcium, 20% vitamin C and 15% iron.)

Item: Amy’s Ravioli Bowls
Price: $4.39
Size: 1 bowl
Purchased at: Whole Foods
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Excellent quality for a frozen meal. Ravioli are a good size. Organic. Home cooked Italian meals. The free glass of wine at the Olive Garden. Foodgasming.
Cons: Not health food. Douchey hybrid car drivers. Expensive for the size. Living off of Banquet frozen dinners. No Hungry Woman available yet. Premature foodgasming.

Holy crap! Since when have there been TV dinners for toddlers?

Gerber, the Microsoft of baby foods, has created microwavable TV dinners called Lil’ Entrees. I believe it’s made for those toddlers who are too tired from drooling, crawling around, chewing on toys, and sucking on boobs to make their own dinners.

Actually, I didn’t know toddlers had the motor skills to work a microwave or the ability to read instructions with their very limited vocabulary, consisting of the words, “goo-goo” and “ga-ga.”

The Lil’ Entrees come in a variety of flavors: Chicken Stew with Noodles & Green Bean Dices, Turkey & Green Bean Dices with Sweet Potatoes, Spaghetti & Mini Meatballs in Sauce with Green Bean Dices, Pasta Wheel Pick-Ups & Chicken with Carrot Dices, and Macaroni & Beef in Sauce with Carrot Dices.

I decided to pick up the Macaroni & Beef in Sauce with Carrot Dices because it was the one that looked the least disgusting and I HATE green beans, along with coconuts and playa hater.

The first thing I noticed about the Lil’ Entrees was the fact that the portions were REALLY small, which is a good thing. Why, you ask?

I don’t have kids yet, but I have a theory when it comes to food and toddlers, and you parents can correct me if I’m wrong: The smaller the portions, the smaller the poop and the smaller the poop, the easier it is to clean up.

The servings are definitely enough for a toddler, but what about adults and this kid.

Well after eating a Lil’ Entrees I have to say it would fill me up, if I was on some Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers plan. However, I’m not and I was still hungry after eating the Lil’ Entrees, so I also made myself a sandwich, heated up some canned corn chowder, ate some Thin Mints, and then washed it all down with a tall root beer float with whipped cream on top.

So how does the Macaroni & Beef Lil’ Entrees taste?

Well the carrots were too soggy, but the macaroni and beef was actually kind of tasty. It was like Chef Boyardee, except without the aluminum can taste. Not bad for not having any preservatives or artificial flavors.

One of the things that sucked about the Lil’ Entrees was the fact it didn’t have a dessert. How can you have a TV dinner without the dessert? Sure, I don’t know of many people who actually eat the apple or cranberry crumb dessert, but the toddlers might eat it because they don’t know better.

Another issue I had with the Lil’ Entrees was the heating time. The directions said I should stick it in the microwave for 30 seconds. However, heating it for 30 seconds didn’t heat the food well enough.

So would I give Lil’ Entrees to a toddler, if I had a toddler (or if I suddenly found out I had a toddler, due to a night of complete drunkenness)?

Well if they can work a microwave oven and read instructions, I say why not.

It’s less work for me.

Item: Gerber Macaroni & Beef Lil’ Entrees
Purchase Price: $2.39
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Perfect for the busy, on-the-go life of toddlers. Small portions means small poop. Macaroni & Beef in Sauce was kind of tasty.
Cons: Not enough food for a grown-up. Carrots were waaay too soggy. Heating instructions not accurate.