Update: Scroll down to the comments section to read what people think of the Newtons Fruit Thins

Coming soon to stores (or maybe they’re already in stores) are the Nabisco Newtons Fruit Thins, which sound like the result of Newtons Fruit Crisps and Nabisco Wheat Thins hooking up. However, unlike the Newtons Fruit Crisps, which contain a thin layer of fruit filling, these Newton Fruit Thins have their fruit baked in. These crispy cookies are made with real fruit and come in four varieties:

Fig and Honey

Blueberry Brown Sugar

Cranberry Citrus Oat

Raspberry Chocolate

A serving of Newtons Fruit Thins has 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1-1.5 gram of saturated fat, 95 milligrams of sodium, 21-22 grams of carbohydrates, 1-2 grams of fiber, 7-8 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

Newtons Fruit Thins come in 10.5 ounces packages.

The problem with regular flat Wheat Thins are that they aren’t very friendly when it comes to being able to play with them.

All I can do with a square Wheat Thin is use it as a paper football replacement or break one in half and use the two pieces to create buckteeth whenever I want to offend rednecks or upset the entire Japanese population by recreating the offensive stereotype of Japanese people found on U.S. World War II propaganda.

But with the new Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix, I can think of multiple playful possibilities.

Some of the things I can do with the round, three inch long Wheat Thins Crunch Stix include:

1. Playing pick-up sticks.
2. Recreating the Star Wars lightsaber scenes using my now worthless Beanie Babies.
3. Producing an ineffective shiv.
4. Pretending to have walrus tusks.
5. Making any Ken doll anatomically correct.

While the Wheat Thins Crunch Stix are much more fun than their flat, square cousins, I can’t say they’re as addictive. Their fire roasted tomato flavor was nice for the first few stix, but, strangely, the flavor disappeared after chain eating about five of them. It was like my tongue got used to its flavor, much like how my nose has gotten used to my own flatulence.

Once the fire roasted tomato flavor disappeared, they tasted like low sodium Wheat Thins, which are decent when I’m trying to prevent hypertension, but aren’t as addictive as regular Wheat Thins. Speaking of wholesome products, these Wheat Thins Crunch Stix brag about having 11 grams of whole grain per serving. But that isn’t really impressive since a bowl of Cookie Crisp has 8 grams.

Overall, the Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix are a mediocre snack. Sure, its shape allows me to stick them in every orifice on my body, but I don’t think they have enough flavor on them to disguise the fact I stuck them in every orifice on my body and placed them back on the party tray I got them from.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 pieces/29 grams – 130 calories, 35 grams of fat, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 4% iron.)

Other Wheat Thins Crunch Stix reviews:
Grub Grade
Does It Hit The Spot

Item: Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Round, thin shape makes them great for sticking in every orifice on my body. More fun then regular Wheat Thins. 11 grams of whole grain per serving. Satisfying crunch. Walruses.
Cons: Fire roasted tomato flavor disappears quickly. Not as addictive as regular Wheat Thins. Using regular Wheat Thins to pretend to have buckteeth. Makes a horrible shiv. The value of my Beanie Babies. Hypertension.

They say every time you reject a Girl Scout’s offer to buy their cookies, you take one step closer to hell.

Because I believe there is some truth to those words, I have yet to decline the saleswomanship of a Girl Scout who comes up to me as I walk out of my favorite grocery store and ask, “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?” It’s also hard to decline them because they say staring into the eyes of a Girl Scout is like staring into the eyes of an angel.

But whenever I’m posed the question of whether or not I would like to buy Girl Scout Cookies, an internal quandary occurs. My cold heart says, “Begone Brownie Scout for I wish not to partake in your hedonistic cookies,” but because my heart is connected to my circulatory system and not my digestive system, which my mouth and stomach are a part of, it has no say in the matter when the following words come out of my cookie hole: “Do you have Thin Mints?”

My cold heart feels the way it does because deep down I want to reject every Girl Scout that steps in front of me, just like every girl who rejected me when I needed a date to my Junior Prom. I don’t care if I’m going to end up in hell, because all of my friends are going to be with me. I want to break free from this stranglehold because my wallet cannot take being asked every week if I want to purchase Girl Scout Cookies. But it’s difficult to do so due to the guilt I may bring upon myself from bruising the confidence of a young woman, because I remember the pain of having my ego bruised by the throngs of women who rejected me before bids were due.

But I think I may have found a weapon to help break the chains of guilt and to block the pleas of Girl Scouts — the Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreos.

Just like German pornstars are comfortable with being covered in bodily fluids, Oreos are no stranger when it comes to being covered in fudge, having been coated with regular fudge and white fudge in the past. The mint fudge used with these Oreo cookies made them taste like Nabisco stole the recipe for Thin Mints, because they taste surprisingly similar. Although, the Mint Fudge Covered Oreo has less of a minty flavor than the Girl Scout Cookie. But nonetheless, these cookies are good enough that they make me want shove my hand in the face of a Girl Scout and say, “Not this year, tween she-devil! Not. This. Year.”

As good as these cookies are, I wish they tasted a little more like an Oreo. The mint flavor seems to have nullified the white vanilla filling. Also, I was disappointed the box contained only 12 cookies. Sure, the fudge causes the cookies to be a little thicker, but the amount of cookies makes me feel like I’m getting jacked.

Girl Scouts may make me feel guilty, but they don’t make me feel like I’m getting screwed.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cookie – 90 calories, 5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 4% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreo
Price: $2.79 (on sale)
Size: 7.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes very much like Thin Mints. Allows me to say “hell no” to Girl Scouts. It’s fudgerrific! Has one gram of monounsaturated fat. Staring into the eyes of a Girl Scout is like staring into the eyes of an angel. Breaks the chains of guilt.
Cons: It’s frickin’ limited edition. Couldn’t taste the white filling. Only 12 frickin’ cookies. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Bruising the egos of young women. Bruising the ego of a guy looking for a date to the prom.

You might be thinking these new Nabisco Oreo and Nutter Butter Dipped Delight Bars 100 Calorie Packs are awesome because, after all, they contain either Nutter Butter or Oreo cookies. But if you really love those cookies, you’ll stay away from these bars because they will taint whatever love you have for them. They will scar whatever happy moments you remember from your cookie eating past.

Take it from someone who had their memories spoiled by these bars. The first time I dunked an Oreo in a glass of milk…RUINED! The first time I scraped off all the peanut butter filling from a Nutter Butter with my two front teeth…RUINED! That time I created a Mr. Peanut action figure with a Nutter Butter, black pipe cleaners and construction paper…RUINED! That time I put Oreo fillings on my nipples and convinced a dog to lick them…RUINED!

If you’re going to slap “Oreo” or “Nutter Butter” on a product’s box, that product better taste, at least, a little like it, but neither of these bars taste like their cookie namesakes or have any cookies in them.

The Oreo Dipped Delight Bar has a chocolatey coating that covers a layer of white cream filling that’s on top of a chewy chocolatey crisped rice bar. It smells like a Hostess HoHo, but doesn’t taste like one. It has a weird chocolatey flavor that doesn’t come close to reminding me of an Oreo cookie. As for the Nutter Butter Dipped Delight Bar, it has a layer of peanut butter filling on top of a bar of chewy crisped rice that’s dipped into a peanut butter-ish coating. It doesn’t taste like a Nutter Butter or even peanut butter, but for some strange reason, it does taste like pretzels, which aren’t in the ingredients.

Not only were their flavors disappointing, but the wrapper each bar comes in makes them seem bigger than they truly are. They’re quite petite, measuring at 2.75 inches long, which I expected since they only have 100 calories. But the packaging measures 5 inches from end to end. If you take out half an inch from each end for sealing the wrapper, there’s still more than an inch of space inside it. So about one-fourth of the package’s volume is just air. It’s the equivalent of putting a small penis into a Magnum-sized condom.

If you’re a calorie watcher and log everything you eat to make sure you stay under a certain amount of calories, this product might be of some interest to you, although there are tastier products in the Nabisco 100 Calorie Pack line. But if you decide to try them, I’d recommend the Oreo one over the Nutter Butter.

These Nabisco Dipped Delight Bars don’t taste like either Oreo or Nutter Butter cookies, the packaging they come in is somewhat misleading and now my memory of trying to explain the art of teabagging to my sheltered female friend using a Nutter Butter turned on its side and dangling above my face…RUINED!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – Nutter Butter – 100 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein. Oreo – 100 calories, 3 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein and 2% iron.)

Item: Nabisco Dipped Delight Bars 100 Calorie Packs (Oreo & Nutter Butter)
Price: $3.50 each
Size: Box of 6
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Oreo)
Rating: 2 out of 10 (Nutter Butter)
Pros: 100 calories per bar. Dipping an Oreo in milk. Scraping off peanut butter filling with front teeth.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like an Oreo or Nutter Butter. Doesn’t contain cookies. Nutter Butter version tastes like pretzels. Oreo version has a weird chocolatey flavor. Bars are significantly smaller than the packaging they come in. They will scar whatever happy moments you remember from your cookie eating past.

For some reason, Nabisco knows how to push my fun buttons, and they’re doing it again with their new Brown Sugar Cinnamon Ritz.

I don’t know if they realize it, but if they push them too much, I may just cream all over myself, which now that I think about it, wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing because at least I’ll have something to spread on top of this new Ritz cracker.

This latest variation, along with their new Honey Butter, breaks the streak of savory Ritz Crackers and makes them a little sweet. Just like flavored Pringles and old school postage stamps, the flavor is only on one side, which, in the case of the Ritz Crackers, is on top. So if you’re going to enjoy these sans toppings, I recommend eating them with the top side facing towards your tongue.

They have taste that’s almost like graham crackers, which made them kind of addictive. Despite the noticeable crystals of brown sugar and cinnamon on it, the flavor was a bit light and disappeared quickly in my mouth, which encouraged me to add a little pizzazz to the cracker.

If you decide to go all Rachael Ray on your Brown Sugar Cinnamon Ritz Crackers, might I suggest topping it with some vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup or using each cracker to scoop out Cool Whip straight from the container and into your mouth, instead of using a spoon, your hands or Teddy Grahams you’re trying to drown.

YUM-O!

Although if you’re going to be shoveling Cool Whip into your mouth with them, might I suggest letting the Cool Whip soften because these are as flaky as all the other Ritz Crackers and AT&T’s cell network in big cities. I also crushed a few crackers over some vanilla ice cream and thought they were a nice addition. So if you live near a self-serve fro-yo place, which you probably do if you live in a big metropolitan city with a flaky AT&T cell network, it would make a nice topping that you don’t need to pay for, just like the cream when I cream all over myself.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 crackers – 80 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 11 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 2% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Brown Sugar Cinnamon Ritz
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 1 pound
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes somewhat like graham crackers. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fat. Makes a nice ice cream or fro-yo topping. Getting my fun buttons pushed.
Cons: Light flavor, which disappears quickly. As flaky as regular Ritz Crackers. AT&T’s cell network in large cities. Shoveling Cool Whip into your mouth with your hands. Cleaning up after I cream all over myself.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with porn, when two guys are having intercourse with one woman at the same time, the genre (yes, there are genres) is called double penetration. But I don’t like that term, because it seems a bit too harsh and violent. I’d like to start a movement to get the genre name changed to the much friendlier “double stuf,” named after the regular Double Stuf Oreo and the new Golden Double Stuf Oreo.

Think of it as the equivalent of menstruation’s “Aunt Flo.”

With a more affectionate term, it would be a win-win for the porn industry and Nabisco. More people will buy or rent double stuf videos, like Double Backdoor Honeys, Duo Deckers and Two of a Behind, and hungry masturbators everywhere will crave Double Stuf cookies. Although, the use of the term “cream filling” in the double stuf video might not make the cookies too appetizing.

If double stuf becomes a part of the pornography vernacular, it won’t be long before Double Stuf the Magic Hungmen becomes a porn series.

While you dwell on my awesome cross-promotion skillz, let me tell you about the new Golden Double Stuf Oreos, which for some reason I thought already existed. After I opened the packaging using the easy pull tab, I swear I could smell the scent of marshmallows coming from it. By the way, someone should win a Nobel Peace Prize, or at least an AVN Award, for the easy-to-open resealable packaging.

I haven’t had Golden Oreos in a very long time, but I know in the past that I didn’t really care for them. However, I guess my taste buds have had a change of taste, or maybe it’s the high fructose corn syrup, because I really like its vanilla flavor. The lickable cream filling tastes the same as the stuff found in between the chocolate cookies of a regular Oreo and it enhances the flavor of the crunchy vanilla cookies.

While I really do enjoy the Golden Double Stuf Oreos, I still prefer the chocolate Oreos over them, which proves once again, “Once you go black, you’ll never go back” or “Once you go golden, you’ll keep your options open.”

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 10 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein and 2% iron.)

(NOTE: AVN stands for Adult Video News.)

Item: Golden Double Stuf Oreo
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 1 pound 1 ounce
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great vanilla flavor. Cream filling enhances the vanilla flavor. More cream filling than regular Oreos. My awesome cross-promotion skillz. The easy-to-open resealable packaging. The term “double stuf” to replace “double penetration.”
Cons: Not as good as regular Oreo cookies. Not as good as regular Oreos to dip in milk. High fructose corn syrup. 150 calories for ONLY two cookies. Ruining childhood stories with porn versions of them. The term “double penetration.”