You know what, dear TIB readers? I’m angry. I’m angry because I’ve been sitting here for a good half hour now, staring at the awful blinking cursor on a blank document. The dreaded Writer’s Block.

I’m not really angry at my Writer’s Block, however. I’m angry at food. Okay, that’s not fair; I love food, and it’s not food’s fault. It’s the fault of food company’s marketing team, or maybe their R&D departments. I don’t really care who; I’m just angry at all of them. Angry that they’re making my intro to this review about Lay’s Chipotle Ranch Potato Chips so fucking difficult. Here’s some opening themes that I’ve already written but discarded as totally lame:

Regional-flavored potato chips are stereotyping whole regions of the US with their flavors!

Fake angry letter to Lay’s about said stereotypical chips!

Chipotle is the latest food trend and it’s totally been beaten into the ground!

I think the third one is actually the crux of my problem. Chipotle has been overused. What’s left to say? I typically write my review intros before I even taste the product; I like to explore and mock marketing angles and make wild speculations about how awful or tasty the product is going to be based on little to no actual facts. I’ve had enough chipotle-flavored products to see exactly where my review is going:

“These chips have some heat but where’s the smoky flavor that really sets chipotle apart from just generic spiciness?”

Boom. Done. Didn’t even have to open the bag. You’re welcome.

I’d like to be a glass half-full kinda gal, but I’ve been burned, as it were, by so many disappointing chipotle products that I just can’t get excited about these chips. I’ve been turned into a dour food reviewer. My jokes are dried up and played out. I’m even getting angry at spellcheck for refusing to recognize chipotle as a correctly spelled word. I am “The Grim Eater” from Ratatouille. My stomach, two sizes too small.

But I feel an obligation to the readership of this fine, upstanding website to tell you about Lay’s Chipotle Ranch. They’re only available in the southwest region of the United States, so the majority of you will never get to try them. I must cast off this chipotle albatross and march forward!

Let’s start with the regional angle: way back in March of last year, Lay’s introduced their first round of regional flavors. In what was only my second review on TIB, I took a look at their first southwest regional offering, Southwest Cheese & Chiles. There were four other regional flavors, and they mostly seemed to make sense in regards to representing the flavors of their regions.

This time around, along with the southwest’s Chipotle Ranch, they’ve also launched Honey Mustard for the northeast (“tangy mustard combined with a touch of sweet honey”) and Creamy Garden Ranch for the Midwest (“sour cream mixed with spices and fresh cucumbers for the flavor of herb ranch dressing”).

I’m not exactly sure how the other two flavors relate to their regions. Hey New York, are you totally in love with honey mustard? I thought you guys went the spicy brown route. Midwest, you really into ranch dressing? Well, Michigan and South Dakota are tied for tenth fattest state, so maybe they’ve got something there; plus, cucumber chips sound interesting. However, I suppose chipotle makes sense for the southwest. People generally think of chiles and spicy food when they think of southwestern cuisine, and, again, chipotle is the hot flavor of the moment.

Lay’s description of Chipotle Ranch is “sour cream and buttermilk ranch mixed with chipotle spice and green chili”. Not sure what ranch has to do with the southwest. I guess they’re going for that “spicy/cooling” angle, but really, there’s no point in that. They would have been fine with just chipotle and green chili. But hey, there are a lot of ranches in the southwest! That explains everything.

After all this bitching and moaning and generally being a curmudgeon, it’s time to take off my crankypants, put on my ObjectiveReviewerpants, and get down to business.

Upon opening the bag, there was a distinct lack of any sort of odor, which I found odd. Usually some sort of aroma hits my nostrils when I tear open a bag of chips, but there wasn’t much to go on with these. The chips themselves are covered with a medium amount of flavor powder, appropriately orangish-red with little flecks of green that could represent either the green chili or the ranch. Or both!

The first thing that hit my taste buds was the heat. It was surprisingly mild, but enjoyable. And, of course, try as I might, chip after chip, that signature smoky flavor of chipotle was absent. My mouth wept. Not literally, though; I try to stay off the Thorazine while I’m doing a review.

As I kept eating, the heat built gradually but nicely. The ranch flavoring, which I didn’t think I would like, worked well with the spice. It made its presence known, but wasn’t overwhelming. I could even taste hints of the sour cream, which I thought would be nonexistent. It complimented both the ranch and the…”chipotle” quite nicely. As for the green chili, I couldn’t distinguish it from the chipotle. The spiciness was too generalized; Lay’s could have just called the chips “Spicy Ranch” and I would have nodded my head in agreement. There’s an interesting aftertaste that I would describe as “herby”. I actually liked it, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was.

My pessimistic view towards all things claiming to be chipotle-flavored remains, but I’m gracious enough to put down the bitter pill and say that Lay’s Chipotle Ranch is a tasty chip. The heat level builds nicely and stops just short of being too hot, and the ranch and sour cream both work well with it. Real chipotle flavoring is my Moby Dick, but I can’t blame Lay’s any more than anyone else. Looking on the bright side, hey – at least my region got a new flavor! Suck it, Northwestern US! (Still want to try cucumber-flavored chips.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 290 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of total fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 4.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 9 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 320 milligrams of sodium, 640 milligrams of potassium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, 4 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 2% calcium, 15% vitamin C, 6% iron, 10% vitamin E, 10% niacin, 8% thiamin, and 15% vitamin B6.)

Item: Lay’s Chipotle Ranch Potato Chips
Price: 99 cents
Size: 1 7/8 ounces
Purchased at: Circle K
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Gradual build of heat level. “The Grim Eater”. Ranch and sour cream were just right. The term “chipotle albatross”. Interesting herby aftertaste.
Cons: NO CHIPOTLE FLAVORING. Spellcheck being a dick. NO CHIPOTLE FLAVORING. Getting’ the “Thorazine drools”. NO CHIPOTLE FLAVORING.

I’m not sure I understand the reasoning behind Lay’s regional potato chips flavors, which are special flavors that represent the region and are only sold in the region. Why not share them with the rest of the nation? I’m pretty sure no one will be upset if someone outside of their region got to try their region’s chip. It’s as if Lay’s wants to leave money on the table.

As an impulsive person, and someone who runs a blog called The Impulsive Buy, I would buy all three new Lay’s regional flavors, and I’m sure many other impulsive people would too. If I only get one flavor I’m going to buy only one. It’s simple math. You can either get my money for one bag or you can get my money for three bags. As a company that has to report to shareholders, I’m pretty sure me buying three bags instead of one would sound much better to them.

So what are the three new Lay’s regional flavors I can’t buy all at one time?

The Northeastern U.S. will get Lay’s Honey Mustard, a tangy mustard combined with a little bit of honey. Midwesterners will get Lay’s Creamy Garden Ranch, a mixture of sour cream with spices and cucumbers. Those in the Southwestern part of the U.S. will get Lay’s Chipotle Ranch, a combination of sour cream, buttermilk ranch, chipotle spice, and green chilies.

Man, that Lay’s Chipotle Ranch does sound good. But, awww, I won’t be able to try it and stuff Lay’s pockets with money because I don’t live in the Southwestern part of the United States. Awww, shucks.

A one-ounce serving of Lay’s Honey Mustard has 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 80 milligrams of sodium, and 16 grams of carbohydrates. A serving of Lay’s Creamy Garden Ranch has 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 160 milligrams of sodium, and 15 grams of carbohydrates. Lay’s Chipotle Ranch has 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 170 milligrams of sodium, and 15 grams of carbohydrates.

While I won’t be able to try all of Lay’s new regional flavors, I will have the chance to taste the two new Lay’s Kettle Cooked flavors — Creamy Mediterranean Herb and Spicy Cayenne & Cheese — since both flavors are available nationwide.

An ounce of Lay’s Kettle Cooked Creamy Mediterranean Herb has 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 140 milligrams of sodium, and 16 grams of carbohydrates. Lay’s Kettle Cooked Spicy Cayenne & Cheese has 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 140 milligrams of sodium, and 16 grams of carbohydrates.

Source: Frito-Lay Snack Chat

Frito-Lay introduced two new Ruffles flavors in late January, just in time for Valentine’s Day!

(What’s that? They probably chose to release it then to coincide with the Super Bowl? Well, I didn’t get around to writing this review until after the Super Bowl, so… just… play along, ok? The sooner you accept the conceit, the sooner I’ll wrap up my customarily self-indulgent introductory paragraphs and get to the actual reviewing. Cool? Cool.)

Ahem. And good thing, too – I was hoping there’d be fun new snacks to go with the beer and pizza at my annual Valentine’s Day party!

The first Ruffles Molten Hot Wing potato chip tasted overwhelmingly like vinegar, so much so that I momentarily thought I had somehow bought a mislabeled bag of Salt & Vinegar chips. But once my mouth grew acclimated to the vinegar, the hot sauce flavor began to shine through, and each additional chip increased my overall enjoyment of the chip-eating experience. They had the same great ridges and crunchiness as regular Ruffles do, and the aftertaste had a nice smokiness, though I wouldn’t describe it as particularly hot and certainly not as “molten.”

I’m totally willing to overlook the initial vinegar blast because I love Salt & Vinegar chips anyway, so that means my one issue with these chips is the name. I was expecting something significantly spicier out of a “Molten Hot” product, but all I got was, as mentioned, a nice smokiness. Actually, “Ruffles Nice & Smoky Buffalo Wings” wouldn’t be a bad name at all. It’s kind of catchy in its own right and it would better manage consumer expectations. Under-promise and over-deliver, as we say in the biz. (Note: I don’t know who “we” are and what “biz” I’m talking about.) If Ruffles actually used my new product name, I would probably tack two points onto the score for this review. Your move, Frito-Lay.

The flavor profile of the Loaded Chili & Cheese was similarly sequential: first came the taste of cheese, then came the taste of chili. Both tastes of the Loaded Chili & Cheese were less intense than those of the Molten Hot Wings, but the LC&C did have the added bonus of tinges of onion and garlic which play well with the chili and cheese powders. As expected, these chips also had the distinctive texture of classic Ruffles. I wish I could say more about this product, but I think the vinegar and hot sauce had dulled my palate by the time I got to the second round of chips. But hey, at least now you know the Loaded Chili & Cheese would still be pretty good even after you slightly burn your mouth on a slice of pizza at whatever Valentine’s Day party you’re going to.

Before wrapping up, I should mention that the packaging of these new flavors leaves something to be desired. Unlike with Doritos, where the cost of designing the flashy bags probably rivals the cost of developing the new flavors themselves, the Ruffles bags look like they were hastily mocked up by a crappy Photoshop artist under deadline. I’m not sure if “uncreative potato chip bag design” is a legitimate complaint or if I’m just Exhibit A of Louis CK’s “Everything is Amazing and Nobody’s Happy” syndrome. (See here. I’m definitely Exhibit A, aren’t I?) But I guess my point is, when you go to the supermarket snack aisle, make sure to pay attention for these new flavors because otherwise the packaging may very well fail to catch your eye.

In conclusion, A) You should try both of these new flavors, B) I hope you have fun with all your Valentine’s Day-related eating, drinking, gambling, and commercial watching, and C) Now we all know that I’m capable of dragging out a semi-nonsensical joke through an entire review!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – Ruffles Molten Hot Wings – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 360 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar and 2 grams of protein. Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 220 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Ruffles Molten Hot Wings and Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese reviews:
Junk Food Betty
I Love It Spicy
Brand Eating

Item: Ruffles Molten Hot Wings and Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese
Price: $3.99 each
Size: 9.5 ounces
Purchased at: Super Foodtown
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Molten Hot Wings)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Loaded Chili & Cheese)
Pros: For MHW, strong vinegar taste and nice smoky aftertaste. For LC&C, all the flavors work well together. Both have classic Ruffles ridges and crunchiness. Valentine’s Day parties. Beer and pizza at Valentine’s Day parties. Louis CK. “Ruffles Nice & Smokey Buffalo Wings.”
Cons: Neither tastes particularly spicy. Packaging is uncreative. Misleadingly-named products. “The biz.” People who say “the biz.” Burning your mouth on pizza. Forgetting to review new potato chips flavors before the Super Bowl.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

I didn’t know Panera Bread makes their own potato chips. I wonder if people buy a bag just so they can hang out at a Panera to use their free WiFi? (via Munchies Blog)

I miss chewing sugary bubblegums that rot my teeth. I also miss the tooth I lost from chewing sugary bubblegums that rot my teeth. (via Gum Alert)

It’s rare that the picture on a product’s packaging looks worse than the actual product. Seriously, the picture on the box looks like home insulation foam enclosed in box made with pressed wood. (via On Second Scoop)

Asahi is Japan’s largest brewery, so it surprises me that their beverage called 9 PM isn’t a beer. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Hmm…I’m trying to figure out which is more disgusting: bacon gumballs or haggis-flavored chips? It would be an easier decision if the haggis-flavored chips were packaged inside of a sheep’s stomach. (via Foodstuff Finds)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

It must be nice having potato chips in flavors from nearby countries. Hey Canada! How about letting us make some Molson Beer-flavored potato chips? (via Foodstuff Finds)

The South Beach Diet product line changed it name to South Beach Living, so I hope topless sunbathing is somehow involved with all of their products. (via I Ate A Pie)

I believe this is what you see if you drink an entire bottle of tequila or way too much Taco Bell in one sitting. (via The Candy Enthusiast)

I’m glad to hear McDonald’s makes a Chocolate Pie because I now have something to dip into either a McDonald’s McFlurry, milkshake or hot fudge sundae. (via Hamburger Calculus)

For men, the new Crystal Light Pure Fitness is the sports drink equivalent of wearing a sports bra. (via Yum Yucky)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

There ain’t no review like a toilet paper review. (via Review Spew)

The great thing about video reviews is being able to see the horror in the reviewer’s face when he or she eats something disgusting. (via Freezer Burns)

A Starbucks frappuccino ice cream without coffee is like a Nightmare on Elm Street movie without Robert Englund (via Gigi Reviews and Pajiba)

I’m disappointed the United States doesn’t have more steak flavored snacks. I’d pay ten dollars for a bag of Morton’s Steakhouse-flavored potato chips. (via Food Stuff Finds)

Pretzels + M&M’s = still not Crispy M&M’s. (via Grub Grade and Candyblog)