Berried ‘n’ Chocolate would’ve made a great name for a 1970′s television cop buddy show.

Chocolate would’ve been the smooth talking black police detective who doesn’t like to use violence and Berried would’ve been his clumsy (place ethnicity here) partner who used the catchphrase, “You just got Berried by the law,” every time they caught the criminal, although Chocolate did all the work.

Unfortunately, a Berried ‘n’ Chocolate television show was never made and allowed to run for two episodes before being cancelled, either because “You just got Berried by the law” got old really quick or the show ended up being a little racist. While there was never a Berried ‘n’ Chocolate television show, thanks to Jamba Juice, there’s a Berried ‘n Chocolate smoothie.

Jamba Juice’s Berried ‘n Chocolate is a new addition to their Creamy Treats line of smoothies, which also consists of the worst smoothies for you on the Jamba Juice menu. One such smoothie is the Original-size Peanut Butter Moo’d, which contains 770 calories and 108 grams of sugar.

Moo, indeed.

A Berried ‘n Chocolate is created by using strawberries, Jamba’s Chocolate Moo’d base, semisweet chocolate chips, non-fat frozen yogurt, mixed berry juice, blueberries and ice. The mixture ends up having a grayish purple color, which maybe fine for a goth makeup kit, but probably isn’t the most appetizing on a food color wheel. The Jamba Juice Berried ‘n Chocolate smoothie also has a weird texture. Not only does it have seeds, but it’s also slightly chalky, which might be caused by the semisweet chocolate chips.

The smoothie tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop, which I’m not sure is a good thing. I’ve sucked on several dozen Tootsie Pops in my lifetime and have always considered the Tootsie Roll center as the best part of the lollipop. The fruity candy coating is something that’s in the way, which I’m pretty sure is the same thing Mr. Owl believed when he tried to determine how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Why else would he bite away the hard shell after only two licks and screw with the scientific method?

So, basically, the Berried ‘n Chocolate tastes like a Tootsie Pop that I’ll never reach the center of.

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 520 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 108 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 91 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 35% calcium, 80% vitamin C and 6% iron.)

Item: Jamba Juice Berried ‘n Chocolate Smoothie
Price: $4.69
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop. Awesome source of vitamin C and protein. Uses real strawberries and blueberries. Use non-fat frozen yogurt. Catchphrases.
Cons: Tastes like a berry Tootsie Pop that I’ll never reach the center of. Weird texture and grayish purple color. Same amount of calories as a Big Mac. Screwing with the scientific method. Awesome source of sugar. No cop buddy show called Berried ‘n’ Chocolate.

The Yoplait Smoothie kits, or as I like to call them, Jamba Juice Action Playsets, allow normal folk, like you, me or your children, to walk and blend in the shoes of a Jamba Juice worker.

With a blender, a carton of skim milk and these Yoplait Smoothie kits, you can experience a day in the life of a Jamba Juice Jockey. Learn to yell loud enough so that patrons can hear you over the whirring and crushing of the powerful blenders, but without straining your vocal chords. Practice your blender container top throwing technique so that you can hit the sink each and every time without looking or hitting your fellow employees. Rehearse your speech to Jamba Juice virgins about the differences between the Sixteen, Original and Power sizes. Learn to hold your tongue when someone orders a Power-sized smoothie and not say, “Holy shit, do you REALLY need a Jamba Juice that big?”

Each Yoplait Smoothie package contains frozen chunks of fruit and yogurt, and it comes in three flavors: Triple Berry, Strawberry Banana and Strawberry Mango Pineapple. It doesn’t come in as many flavors as what’s found on a Jamba Juice menu board and you’re going to have to make your own boosts, but that’s as easy as crushing the pills you might have in your medicine cabinet. Crush a Flintstones tablet for a Daily Vitamin Boost, do the same to a No-Doze for an Energy Boost, or a birth control pill if you want to include the discontinued Femme Boost.

Making a Yoplait Smoothie is as simple as getting rid of your illegal drugs by flushing it down the toilet when the cops bust down your door. Just throw everything in there and watch it spin. After a minute or so in the blender, the cup of skim milk and the entire bag of frozen chunks of fruit and yogurt will turn into 16 ounces of smoothie goodness. Although, I must admit it wasn’t entirely smooth since my crappy $30 blender had trouble breaking down the frozen fruits entirely, so there were small bits in my smoothies.

You really can’t go wrong with any of the fruit combinations the Yoplait Smoothie comes in. All of them are quite good and I enjoyed them equally. The Triple Berry, made up of strawberries, blueberries and raspberries, had an almost candy-like flavor with the blueberries and raspberries standing out the most. The Strawberry Banana had a nice balance between the two fruits in it. Finally, the Strawberry Mango Pineapple had a great tropical flavor. While the fruits are tasty, what truly makes these smoothies really delicious are the frozen yogurt pieces, which gives them an added sweetness and flavor. But that shouldn’t be surprising because there are two things Yoplait is good at: cleverly adding a French word to the English vernacular and making tasty yogurt.

Each smoothie does have a very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste, thanks to the sucralose, but again, it’s very slight and you may not even notice it. Also, the Triple Berry has a lot of seeds, but I can’t blame Yoplait for that, only Mother Nature, or the botanists who haven’t been able to make seedless strawberries and raspberries.

Overall, the Yoplait Smoothie kits are easy to make, delicious and reasonably priced if you compare them with what you get at Jamba Juice. I see myself buying them on a regular basis so that I can have smoothie goodness whenever I want. And if I consume enough of them, I’ll have the skills to work at a Jamba Juice.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces prepared – Triple Berry – 110 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 20 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar and 1 gram of protein. Strawberry Banana – 110 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 1 gram of protein. Strawberry Mango Pineapple – 110 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 11 grams of sugar and 1 grams of protein.)

Item: Yoplait Smoothie (Triple Berry, Strawberry Banana and Strawberry Mango Pineapple)
Price: $3.00 each
Size: 7.6 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10 (for all flavors)
Pros: All flavors are delicious. Easy to make. Yogurt contains live and active cultures. Contains one serving of fruit. Has significantly less sugar than Jamba Juice smoothies. Reasonably priced.
Cons: Cheap ass blenders might have trouble blending it. Very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. Triple Berry flavor has a lot of seeds. Turbo-sized Jamba Juice. Femme Boost no longer available at Jamba Juice.

The drab color of the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley fruit smoothie doesn’t make me want to drink it, instead I want to use it as a color swatch to help me decide which hue of paint I should use if I ever need to repaint the inner walls of a correctional facility or mental institution.

Odwalla fruit smoothies usually come in vibrant colors that one would find on either the NBC Peacock, handkerchiefs coming out of a clown’s mouth or in any bodily fluid that oozes out of a unicorn. The colors are so vivacious that they say if you stare at the Odwalla refrigerated case at your grocery store long enough, you’ll know what rainbows taste like.

What gives the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley its tan color is the whole grain brown rice it contains, which also gives the smoothie almost 32 grams of whole grains or around two-thirds of the recommended 48 grams one should consume daily.

This fruit smoothie is perfect if you ever want to attempt to overdose on whole grains to see what the effects are. Drinking a few of these along with some whole wheat bread and a bowl of a whole grain-fortified kids breakfast cereal will help you do it. I personally have never ODed on whole grains, but I imagine it takes your dreams, wipes away all of the color and then gives them a brown hue…and maybe constant bowel movements.

Because of its color, that makes me think I’m drinking liquid whole wheat bread, I recommend consuming it with your eyes closed, or if you have one available, cover your eyes with a pink sleep mask that has “Beauty Sleep” embroidered on it. But if you can get past its color, and enjoy tropical fruits like pineapples, mangoes, bananas and passion fruits, then you will probably enjoy the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley.

Thankfully, it doesn’t smell and taste as dismal as it looks. While drinking it, I could detect banana, pineapple and orange scents. As for its flavor, the pineapple and passionfruit stand out the most and I get a little banana and mango at the back end. It definitely has a tasty “tropical” flavor to it. Coconut is also listed in the ingredients, but I couldn’t detect any. I also couldn’t make out any of the whole grain rice flavor, which, now that I think about it, probably doesn’t have any flavor. But the whole grain rice does give this fruit smoothie a very slight grittiness and a weird temporary coating in my mouth.

If you’re sorely lacking in the whole grains department, the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley will help, although it’s probably not something you want to drink every day, since it can get really expensive paying $2.50-$4 per bottle and because it might give your dreams a sepia tone.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 200 calories, 1 gram of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 350 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 4% calcium, 10% vitamin E, 10% riboflavin, 10% vitamin C, 2% iron and 10% thiamin.)

Item: Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 15.2 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty tropical flavor. No whole grain rice flavor. A bottle contains about two-thirds of your daily recommended amount of whole grains. Tasting a rainbow.
Cons: Has a drab color. Dreaming in sepia. Slight grittiness. Leaves a temporary coating in my mouth. Overdosing on whole grains. Constant bowel movements. An entire bottle has almost 400 calories. Being in a prison or mental institution.

What are you doing, Jack in the Box? Are you going all healthy on us with your Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie? Whatever you’re doing, stop it! Because it’s freakin’ me out!

It’s like I’m in an alternate universe where Jumbo Jacks, Big Macs and Whoppers are healthy, while vegetables and organic foods are bad for you. It is also a universe where Jared is still the spokesperson for Subway, except Subway makes sub sandwiches the size of actual submarines, and Jared weighs 700 pounds, doesn’t know where his penis is, looks like Jabba the Hutt, and hasn’t moved his ass off of his couch since 1999.

Actually, there weren’t any nutritional facts on the Jack in the Box website right now so it’s hard for me to know if they’re healthy or not. (Editor’s Note: Nutritional facts are down below) This worries me because fast food joints have the ability to turn something healthy into something that’s not, like salads and adults collecting kids meal toys. For all I know, this fast food smoothie might be the most unhealthiest thing on the face of the Earth and they deep fry the bastard when no one is looking. But what I do know for sure is that the Real Fruit Smoothies are made from Minute Maid fruit juice and non-fat frozen yogurt, which sounds somewhat healthy to me, but then again I believe I can get all my daily vegetable servings from eating a full sheet of carrot cake.

Don’t expect the Jack in the Box Real Fruit Smoothie to be like anything you would get from Jamba Juice or Robeks. Jack in the Box only uses fruit juices, while the two smoothie specialists uses a combination of real fruits, fruit juices, free boosts, and fancy smoothie names usually reserved for girly, fruity alcoholic beverages which I enjoy for a few sips, then pass out, and then either wake up pants-less in some stranger’s bed or pants-less in the middle of the orangutan exhibit at the zoo.

The Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie had a fruit taste that didn’t seem natural, but then again the idea of a strawberry-banana juice seems unnatural. If I squeeze an orange, I’m going to get orange juice. If I squeeze a banana, I’m going to get baby food and stink eyes from monkeys. There was an artificial sweetener taste to it, so perhaps that’s where the unnatural taste came from.

Overall, the Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie was decent and was what I expected from a fast food joint. It’s definitely not something I would get my daily servings of fruit from, because for that I would eat an entire apple pie, but I think that it’s probably healthier than a deep-fried Jack in the Box Oreo Shake.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 290 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 210 milligrams of potassium, 73 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 57 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie
Price: $3.89 (16 ounces)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Made with non-fat frozen yogurt. Enjoyed the satisfying crunch of the coarse ice crystals. Possibly healthier than a Jack in the Box Oreo Shake.
Cons: Had a slight artificial sweetener taste. Strawberry-banana juice seems unnatural. No nutritional facts on website. Getting stink eyes from monkeys, because flying poop is soon to follow. Waking up bottomless in the middle of a zoo exhibit spooning a primate. The power of fruity, girly alcoholic beverages.

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The Impulsive Buy has reviewed a couple of yogurt smoothies over the past couple of months: The Yoplait Nouriche and the Dannon Frusion. Both of them were good, but if you read the nutritional information, you will notice each product has enough carbs and sugar to cause the late Dr. Atkins to un-cremate his body and scold your carb-craving fat ass.

If that whole coming back to life by un-cremation were possible, the zombie Dr. Atkins would probably recommend the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie. He would also try to eat your brains, because he’s a zombie and it’s protein.

While chewing on your cerebellum, he would probably tell you that the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie is low in carbs, low in sugar, low in fat, low in calories, and has more protein than the Yoplait Nouriche, Dannon Frusion, and your brain stem. Also, he might brag about the fact his name in prominently on the bottle a couple of times.

Unfortunately, the zombie Dr. Atkins probably wouldn’t mention the fact that the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie tastes much worse than the Nouriche and Frusion, but slightly better than the frontal lobe he’s chewing on.

The texture of it was kind of chalky, and yes I did remember to shake well. I guess I should’ve expected this, after all it is “lowfat.”

Now boys and girls, to avoid selecting crappy products while you’re shopping, it’s very important to remember this fun and simple equation:

If you’re trying to reduce your carbohydrates intake, this is a great product with only 4 grams of carbs, but that’s all it’s got going for it.

Item: Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie
Purchase Price: $2.39 (on sale)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Low carbs. Low sugar. Low fat. Low calories.
Cons: Low carbs. Low sugar. Low fat. Low calories. Low taste. Low desire to buy another.

A few weeks ago I reviewed the Yoplait Nouriche, a fruit smoothie. If you didn’t read the review, I wasn’t too impressed with it because of its price and taste.

However, one good thing came out of buying the Yoplait Nouriche and that was getting a coupon for $1 off its competitor the Dannon Frusion. I also received a coupon for $1 off my next purchase at the national grocery store chain I shop at. This all means a cheap Dannon Frusion for me…so I thought.

Coupons are a consumer’s and a quasi-review website editor’s best friend, if you remember to use them. Somehow I have this bad habit of having coupons and forgetting to use them. I usually put them in my wallet, because I know I have to open up my wallet to pay for my groceries, but I still forget about them.

When I went to the national grocery store chain I shop at, I immediately went to the dairy section to see what flavors of Dannon Frusion they had. Unfortunately, they only had two: Peach Passion Fruit and Berry Blend.

I decided to go with the Peach Passion Fruit, because I could use a little passion. After I got everything else on my shopping list, I headed to the checkout. While the female cashier was ringing up my groceries, we began to talk about (and I’m not making this up) my ass.

The conversation went something like this:

Female Cashier: Do you or your groceries need help to your car?

Me: I don’t think anyone could carry me to my car.

Female Cashier: Why do you say that?

Me: I have a big ass.

Female Cashier: (laughter) Lemme see.

Me: No. Bum looker. Cheeky monkey.

Female Cashier: Come on, lemme see.

Me: You can look at it as I walk away.

(I walked away pushing my cart)

Female Cashier: Nice butt.

(I smiled)

When I got home, I pulled out my wallet and realized that I didn’t use my damn coupons. I started cursing at myself and looked at the receipt to see how much the Frusion costs. I expected it to be about the same price as the four-dollar Yoplait Nouriche (which has dropped in price since the review), however I was pleasantly surprised that the Frusion was significantly cheaper at $2.49.

So here I was stuck with two coupons, one of which expired that day. I instantly decided to drive to another national grocery store chain I shop at, hoping they would have more of a selection of flavors. They had one other flavor, which turned out to be Strawberry Kiwi.

Headed toward the cashiers, this time with the coupons in my hand to make sure I used them. Also, I made sure to go to a male cashier, because I’m definitely not going to talk about my ass with another guy.

With the coupons, I paid 49 cents for this Frusion.

For the next two mornings I was able to enjoy a Dannon Frusion. After trying them, I like them better than the Yoplait Nouriche, which was a bit too tart for my tastes. I enjoyed both flavors I purchased and would definitely buy more, if I ever get another coupon.

Item: Dannon Frusion
Purchase Price: $2.49 Peach Passion Fruit / $0.49 Strawberry Kiwi (with coupons)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Cheaper than the Yoplait Nouriche. Not as tart as the Nouriche. Good fruit combinations. I apparently have a nice butt.
Cons: Even though they’re inexpensive, I wish I didn’t need a coupon to be able to purchase them. It would be cool if they were priced the same as Dannon yogurt.