I’m not a fan of Ritz Crackerfuls, because I think they’re gigantic, glorified rectangle Ritz Bits, but it seems they’re popular enough that Nabisco felt the need to quell the desires of Ritz Crackerfuls lovers everywhere by making two new varieties, Multigrain Sharp Cheddar and Multigrain Garden Vegetable.

Garden Vegetable? Pray tell, what garden vegetables do they contain?

Well, if you love dried red bell peppers, dried green bell peppers, and dried carrots, you’re going to enjoy the Multigrain Garden Vegetable Ritz Crackerfuls. Eating one may not give you a serving of vegetables, but if you’re someone who doesn’t eat any vegetables, it’s something.

Both varieties of Multigrain Ritz Crackerfuls have 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 210 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, and 2 grams of protein. Both also use partially hydrogenated oils. Multigrain Ritz Crackerfuls are available now and come in a box of six.

About 14 years ago, the local movie theatre near my childhood home added something new and unusual to their regular food lineup of lukewarm hotdogs, jumbo-sized sodas and the extra-large popcorn that I’m pretty sure was enough to feed an entire farm; from the little chicks to the overweight farmer and his wife.

Dippin’ Dots was the “space-aged” item that all kids (myself included) begged their parents to get before they went into the theatre to see Disney’s highly inaccurate version of Pocahontas, or some other G-rated movie that didn’t contain all of the shit I would learn to love later on in life, including using the word “shit.”

Dippin’ Dots were hard to find, very expensive, and so cold they would freeze your tongue, thus not being able to taste the flavor after the first spoonful. It’s now 2009, and Dippin’ Dots clones can be found everywhere, from vending machines in outlet malls to freezer cases at mini-marts. After seeing the Kemps IttiBitz in the freezer section, I figured it would be good to maybe go back to my childhood and experience something I haven’t had in over a decade.

Right off the bat, Kemps IttiBitz gets one point over Dippin’ Dots in the name category. IttiBitz sounds like the nickname given to the president of your local chapter’s Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I applaud Kemps for honoring those who lack in the boobage department. I would say, “Stay strong my sisters!”, but I haven’t been in the IBTC since middle school.

The IttiBitz were very mint chocolate chip-y, but the missing ingredient were the actual chips; I guess the little brown pellets were to make up for that, but for me it really didn’t. When the bitz melted in my mouth, they revealed a very creamy, full-bodied taste of mint chocolate. Surprisingly, the ice cream has some substance to it; it’s not watered down at all.

Besides having to physically bang the entire cup to separate the frozen beads that clump together, the only other downfall with Kemps IttiBitz was the same problem I had with its predecessor fourteen years ago — frozen tongue syndrome.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 160 calories, 11 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A and 8% calcium.)

(NOTE: Greg at Freezer Burns reviewed IttiBitz as well.)

Item: Kemps Mint Chip IttiBitz
Price: $1.49 (on sale)
Size: 1 Cup
Purchased at: Hannaford Supermarkets
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Cryogenically frozen ice cream = Freakin’ awesome. Creamy texture. Inexpensive alternative to Dippin’ Dots
Cons: Cryogenically frozen Walt Disney = Freakin’ creepy. Serving size is a little small. Needing Lactaid. Frozen tongue syndrome. High in fat.

It’s pretty pathetic that someone born and raised in New England has never gone skiing. It’s even more pathetic that this person spent a week at a mountain resort town in Switzerland and not once strapped on the skis and tried the bunny slope. The same person would probably not even consider skiing in the celebrity-laden, snooty, yet sporty town of Aspen, Colorado.

However, I…I mean, this person would not be added to a long list of poseurs that includes the dude in the “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” music video and Kevin Federline (wait, aren’t they the same person?) by walking around the lodge pimped out in the latest North Face gear bragging about the “black diamond” run (that’s what they call it, right?). No, instead I would be in the corner, sitting next to a fireplace like the Masterpiece Theatre guy, except I would be nursing an Irish Coffee and maybe enjoying the new Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bar. Although, this frozen confection would be melted before I even open the wrapper due to the blazing, yet romantic fire burning beside me. In fact, it was pretty much melting upon opening in the comfort of an air-conditioned room. Not a good sign.

The Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bar is enrobed with a vanilla yogurt shell that’s covers the entire bar like a nice LL Bean cable-knit sweater or a ski jacket with pockets inside of pockets. The yogurt shell is similar to the stuff on some trail mix raisins. On top, there’s a small dusting of granola.

I wanted to enjoy the first bite, but like I said, it was melting already, so the first bite was quick and ended in a slurp. The raspberry fro-yo is very tasty (avid readers know I’m a whore for raspberry flavored things) and it combines well with the vanilla yogurt shell and the layer of raspberry preserve that’s stuck in there. The crunch of the granola is pretty darn good, but I don’t think there’s enough of it to formally call this frozen yogurt novelty a granola bar. Blue Bunny boasts that these treats are loaded with probiotic cultures, which is just a chemistry way of saying that these bars can aid in bowel movements and keep you regular without the need of Metamucil or the new Volcano Menu at Taco Bell.

Usually size doesn’t matter (when it comes to frozen treats), but I was quite impressed by the size of these things (I am a small girl though). They’re roughly the size of a Milky Way, but of course they disappear quicker, because for some reason when instantly exposed to non-freezer like conditions they morph into the Wicked Witch of the West or Joan Rivers at the beach (wait, aren’t they the same person?).

Even with the fast melting, the Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen bars are pretty good, but I wouldn’t necessarily call these a healthy alternative to other frozen treats, because one bar packs 150 calories (80 of which are from fat) and 35% of your daily saturated fat content! But, really traditional granola bars are similar in nutrition, but a lot of us forget that because it’s ingrained in us they are healthy. If you are a granola bar lover (like myself) you might be disappointed in the lack of granola, but like those yogurt cups with the granola on top, you can add your own to the Aspen bar by dipping it in more. Similar to what people do with Funny Bones by injecting more peanut butter, or that creepy lion woman injecting more collagen in her lips.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Bar – 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 75 milligrams of potassium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% calcium, 4% riboflavin, 4% phosphorus and 2% vitamin B12.)

Item: Blue Bunny Raspberry Vanilla Aspen Frozen Yogurt Granola Bars
Price: $2.50
Size: 8-pack
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Different than most frozen novelties. Coating is not white chocolate. Sweater weather. Probiotic cultures helps you stay regular. Bar size.
Cons: Never experiencing the slopes. Not enough granola. Not being able to find your keys. Because your anorak has more pockets than necessary. People who get uber amounts of plastic surgery. High in saturated fat.

With a name like Ritz, shouldn’t Ritz Crackers be fancier than they truly are?

Maybe they’re extremely high-class, but I have yet to see a monocle or top hat-wearing old man eating them and getting crumbs stuck in his white beard while discussing the African safari he went on to hunt the ultimate game — humans. Although I have to admit I’ve never been invited to galas that have The Most Interesting Man in the World who only drinks Dos Equis on the guest list or parties that don’t use red plastic cups to hold beverages.

If Ritz Crackers are fancy, Nabisco is attempting to make them a little more ritzier with their Ritz Crackerfuls, which come in two flavors: Four Cheese and Classic Cheddar. They’re basically elegant Ritz Cracker sandwiches with classy canned spray cheese in the middle. According to its box, each individually wrapped cracker sandwich is made with real cheese and five grams of whole grain.

The Ritz Crackers that Chinese fingercuff the cheese filling had that familiar buttery Ritz taste. The Four Cheese one had the sharper flavor of the two and on my ritzy scale of 1-10, with 10 being fine diamonds and 1 being shards of a broken glass window, the Four Cheese Crackerfuls was probably a 5 rating or a plastic silver ring with a clear plastic gem won from accumulating 25 prize tickets at an arcade. As for the Classic Cheddar, it tasted like a Kraft Handi-Snack and on my ritzy scale it was a 4 rating or a plastic neon colored ring with a clear plastic gem that comes delivered in a plastic egg from a 25 cent machine outside of a grocery store.

While I felt both weren’t very fancy, I also thought they weren’t bad. The combination of the buttery Ritz crackers and the soft cheese paste was pleasant, but I think one would get more flavor by purchasing some fancy cheese that doesn’t come in individually wrapped slices and putting it on top of a Ritz cracker. Although I believe that would degrade the cheese.

Something I really didn’t enjoy about the Crackerfuls was the long Ritz Cracker, which was extremely fragile. Because they were even more delicate than normal round Ritz Crackers, I was forced to use a plate since I lack the white beard to catch the crumbs.

Another thing I didn’t like about the Ritz Crackerfuls was its name. Now I don’t have an English degree…

Oh wait. I do.

So it’s all right for me to say I found its name to be confusing because it’s not filled with crackers, it’s filled with cheese. So shouldn’t it be named Cheesefuls?

Now if two layers of cheese were Chinese fingercuffing a Ritz Cracker then it would be Crackerfuls. But it still wouldn’t be very fancy.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – Classic Cheddar – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 230 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron. Four Cheese – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 220 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Ritz Crackerfuls (Classic Cheddar and Four Cheese)
Price: $3.18 each
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Classic Cheddar)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Four Cheese)
Pros: Pleasant tasting. Buttery Ritz Crackers. Four Cheese flavor had a nice sharp flavor. Simply Cheddar tasted like a Kraft Handi-Snack, which I do enjoy. Contains mono- and poly unsaturated fats. Hunting humans.
Cons: Cheese looked like something that came out of a can. Long Ritz Crackers were extremely fragile. Crumbs. Would be tastier to buy Ritz Crackers and put your own cheese on it. Not very ritzy. Name doesn’t seem right. Being hunted by humans.