Sometimes I feel like I’m the lamest member of the Jackass crew.

I’m not willing to get kicked in the balls, have animals attack me on purpose, sit in a port-a-potty that’s about to get knocked over, or get my ass cheeks pierced together, but I’m willing to eat fast food items with 1,500+ milligrams of sodium and drink Jones Soda’s Bacon Flavored Soda.

There isn’t a word in any language that properly describes how vile this bacon flavored soda tastes. Shit, I’m surprised I mustered the courage to taste it because a foul stench of artificial bacon wafted into my nasal passages as I brought my mouth towards the opening of the bottle. The smoky, nauseating aroma put my entire digestive system into defensive mode.

Its flavor is extremely potent. It’ll grow hair on your chest, and if you’re somehow able to drink an entire bottle, it’ll probably grow a third nipple, as well. The bacon soda’s smoky and sweet flavor tastes like Jones Soda figured out a way to bottle the things that make babies cry: smoke and candy taken away from babies.

Speaking of crying, drinking it made me tear up. It wasn’t a happy cry or a sad cry, it was more of a frantic “Mommy! Please make it stop!” cry.

I only sipped my way though one-fifth of a bottle because sipping the reddish bacon soda is a chore. Every sip warranted several chasers of something that would get rid of that godawful taste from my mouth.

While those chasers helped wash away the flavor from my taste buds, they did nothing for the memories etched into my brain. Each sip made those grooves deeper and deeper, and it already has reached to the point where just the thought of this bacon soda makes me gag.

While my experience with it was bad, I really feel sorry for the Jones Soda employee or intern who had to taste test all the prototype versions of the Jones Bacon Flavored Soda. Because if the final version is horrible, all the test versions of it must have been worse.

I hate to say this, but I think Jones Bacon Flavored Soda has ruined bacon for me. I’ve said on a number of occasions that bacon makes everything better, but this limited edition bacon flavored soda proved me wrong. Now, just the thought of a bacon cheeseburger makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Thanks, Jones Soda!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle/12 ounces – 10 calories, 0 grams of fat, 516 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Other Jones Bacon Flavored Soda reviews:
Junk Food Betty
BevReview
Dave’s Cupboard

Item: Jones Bacon Flavored Soda
Price: $9.99 (Bacon soda set)
Size: 2-12 ounce bottles
Purchased at: Jones Soda Website
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: There’s a bacon flavored soda. Only 10 calories. May get you to quit bacon.
Cons: Godawful. Hard to get. Pricey. Artificial bacon stench. Ruined bacon for me. The prototype versions of this soda. Makes me cry. Its flavor is etched into my brain.

Bacon Soda was inevitable, and it was also inevitable that the Jones Soda Company would be the one to do it. After years of producing soda flavors that no sane soda company would ever formulate, like dirt, turkey & gravy, corn on the cob, sweat, broccoli casserole and astroturf, it should be no surprise that Jones Soda was the one to release a bacon soda.

The limited edition soda was created with help from the folks who brought the world Bacon Salt and Baconnaise.

A pack of two Jones Bacon Soda with a tube of bacon lip balm, a package of bacon popcorn and a package of bacon gravy mix can be purchased from the Jones Soda website for $9.99 plus shipping.

NOTE: Yes, we did buy some.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

There’s an energy drink that comes in a bottle that looks like a fire extinguisher. Does it also come in a bigger size that looks like a fire hydrant? (via Caffeine-A-Holic)

Dr Pepper with real sugar isn’t really impressive. But Dr Pepper curing an illness would be. (via Gigi Reviews)

Japan now has Orange M&M’s. It makes sense since Japan is also known for having people with orange hair. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Necco knows how to tug at the tummies of little girls with their Twilight Sweethearts candies, which have saying like “Bite Me”, “Live 4 Ever” and “Team EC” printed on them. I thought Sweethearts candies were gross by themselves, but it turns out, with the right sayings on them, they get even more disgusting. (via Candyblog)

Krispy Kreme has a Limited Edition Cheerwine Kreme Filled Doughnut. I have no clue what Cheerwine is and I’m too lazy to look it up on Wikipedia, so I’m going to assume, if I drink it, it will turn my face red and make a drunk Lindsay Lohan appear to be better looking than she really is. (via Hamburger Calculus)

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

Zotter adds olives and lemons to their chocolate. Sounds like someone at Zotter was sipping on too many martinis while making chocolate. (via Jim’s Chocolate Mission)

An energy drink with a cooling sensation? I guess I can now experience what it’s like to apply Ben Gay inside my body. (via Caffeine Critic)

Pop-Tarts introduces another new flavor…and another new way to fall into a sugar coma. (via Grub Grade)

I wonder if Mary Jane’s Relaxing Soda will give me the munchies and make me think Adam Sandler’s movie Grown Ups is funny. (via The Soda Jerks and Pajiba)

Japanese cartoon character Crayon Shin-chan has a line of snacks. I hope they’re not Mr. Elephant-shaped. (via Dave’s Cupboard)

A 35-cent can of Pringles: Great deal? Or greatest way to use the loose change found in between your couch cushions? (via Cheap Eats)

I wonder if Japanese people know what a Hot Karl is. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Do you know what the baobab in Pepsi Baobab is?

If you do, congratulations and I suggest you keep that nugget of knowledge in your head if you ever end up in the Cash Cab, get a call from one of your friends in the Cash Cab, get hailed by a complete stranger who is in the Cash Cab or if you want people to think you’re a pretentious douche.

For those of you who don’t know what a baobab is, let me be a pretentious douche and tell you it’s a tree that’s native to Madagascar, Australia and Africa. It’s also known as the bottle tree, upside-down tree and monkey bread tree. In Africa, it’s common to eat the baobab’s fruits and leaves, but that’s not the case in other countries.

And oh yeah…DUH!

If you’re a regular reader of The Impulsive Buy, you know I have a thing for redheads and limited edition Pepsi products from Japan. Over the past few years, I’ve subjected myself to whatever the flavorologists at Pepsi Japan have come up with to dare their fellow Japanese citizens to drink. In 2007, it was Pepsi Ice Cucumber. In 2008, it was Pepsi Blue Hawaii. Last year, it was Pepsi Shiso. This year, it’s Pepsi Baobab.

Now I don’t know what baobab tastes like because I’m not able to buy-o a bag-o of baobab from my local African shaman or Whole Foods. However, if actual baobab tastes like Pepsi Baobab, then I may just have to make it worth my African shaman’s while to get me some.

The beverage has a pleasant and light citrus scent. Its flavor is also light, starting off with orange and then followed with a grapefruit-ish back end. It was surprisingly refreshing. However, by the time I reached halfway through the bottle it started to become a little chemical tasting. It’s like I’m sucking on the fingers of a French maid, not the role play kind one would pay an extra $200 to get, I’m talking an actual rubber glove-wearing French maid who has been cleaning the kitchen counter with a citrus scented cleaner. I think this is because the warmer it gets, the less tasty it becomes.

Of the four limited edition Japanese Pepsi flavors I’ve tried, I have to say that Pepsi Baobab is my favorite, but not by much. Its citrus flavor makes it taste a lot more normal than the others, but the chemical taste I experienced makes it a little unsavory. Another item that bothers me is the fact that it’s marketed as a cola, but I couldn’t detect any cola flavor. I wish next year they introduce a limited edition Pepsi with a little cola flavor, and I hope it’s called Pepsi Octopus and it’s black and ink flavored.

(Nutrition Facts – 100 ml – 42 kcal, 0 grams of protein, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium and 10.5 grams of carbohydrates.)

Here are other Pepsi Baobab reviews:
Japanese Snack Reviews
Mike’s Blender
SarahJoyAlbrecht.com

(NOTE: I’d like to thank Reid for picking up a few bottles of Pepsi Baobab for me during his visit to Japan (along with a variety of KitKats). I’d also like to thank Meredith for taking the time to mail me a couple of bottle of Pepsi Baobab from Japan.)

Item: Pepsi Baobab
Price: FREE
Size: 500 ml
Purchased at: From a convenience store in Japan
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Nice light citrus scent. Surprisingly refreshing citrus flavor. Fat free. Paying an extra $200 to get a French Maid. Cool people willing to pick up things from foreign countries to send/give to you. Having access to an African shaman. Cash Cab.
Cons: Only available in Japan (and if you’re willing to pay crazy shipping fees — eBay). It has a slightly unpalatable chemical flavor when it gets a little warm. No cola flavor. Sucking on the rubber glove-covered hands of a French maid. Being a pretentious douche.

Whenever I order a Pepsi and the waitress says, “Is Coke okay, hon?”, I slam my hands on the table, jump up from my chair and say, “Heeeeeell no, ma’am! Coke is not okay. I’d rather drink the ink from the blue pen you’re using to write down our order than that piss poor excuse the folks in Atlanta have the nerve to call a cola.”

And that’s how I earned my Pepsi Fanboy card.

But it seems like I’m going to have to turn in my Pepsi Fanboy card because I’m not really digging their new Cherry Vanilla Pepsi and Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi. If I am forced to turn it in, I will not cry, nor will I drink Coke, because I’m used to getting my fanboy cards taken away from me. I recently had to turn in my Apple Fanboy card because I was not willing to wait in line at an Apple Store and spend $500-$800 on an iPad while dressed like Steve Jobs in a mock-turtleneck, Levi’s jeans and New Balance shoes.

The Cherry Vanilla Pepsi line may sound entirely new, but it’s not the first time Pepsi has combined cherry and vanilla to form a supersoda in an attempt to blow your taste buds away and pump either more high fructose corn syrup or aspartame into your body. They also did it a few years ago when they introduced the ridiculously long named and now discontinued Black Cherry French Vanilla Diet Pepsi Jazz.

At first, I really didn’t care for Cherry Vanilla Pepsi and Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi, but since then I’ve consumed enough of both varieties to make a dentist see dollar signs and slightly improve how I feel about Cherry Vanilla Pepsi.

The HFCS-sweetened Cherry Vanilla Pepsi has a strong vanilla scent that brings back memories of every Bath & Body Works I’ve ever been dragged into visited. As for how it tastes, it starts off with vanilla, then cherry and then an aftertaste that I can’t determine, but can only describe as significantly less appealing than what came before it. It’s good, but it took me several bottles for me to warm up to it and I’d rather have a Wild Cherry Pepsi.

As for the aspartame-sweetened Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi, its vanilla scent makes me feel like I’ve been bribed with sex forced into visiting the candle section at a Pier 1 Imports store. Its aroma is stronger than regular Cherry Vanilla Pepsi, but it’s also less appealing. The flavors in this diet soda present themselves in the same order as the regular version: vanilla, cherry and then wicked aftertaste. The flavors are much more pronounced, but that’s not a good thing. I’m a fan of Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi, but the cherry flavor mixed with vanilla in this soda makes cherry cough syrup taste more like Kool-Aid.

Do. Not. Like.

Cherry Vanilla Pepsi and Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi are available for a limited time, but if you have a 7-Eleven nearby you can experience a cherry vanilla Pepsi anytime of the year. Their soda dispensers allow you to add cherry and vanilla syrups to your Super Big Gulps filled with Pepsi or that piss poor excuse the folks in Atlanta have the nerve to call a cola.

Nah, I’m only kidding Coke Fanboys and Fangirls. I enjoy Coke Zero.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – Cherry Vanilla Pepsi – 100 calories, 0 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 25 milligrams of caffeine. Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 25 milligrams of caffeine.)

Here are other Cherry Vanilla Pepsi & Diet Pepsi reviews:
BevReview
Soda Giant
Phoood
sfoodreviews.wordpress.com

Item: Cherry Vanilla Pepsi & Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi
Price: $1.29 each
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Cherry Vanilla Pepsi)
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi)
Pros: Cherry Vanilla Pepsi was good. Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi. My Pepsi Fanboy card. Both have shorter names than Black Cherry French Vanilla Diet Pepsi Jazz. Bath & Body Works is an awesome place to buy gifts for women. Super Big Gulps. Pepsi.
Cons: Cherry Vanilla Diet Pepsi makes cough syrup taste like Kool-Aid. Cherry Vanilla Pepsi contains high fructose corn syrup. Being dragged into a Pier 1 Imports. Both have unappealing aftertastes. Not having my Apple Fanboy card anymore. Cavities. Coke.