I’m a woman, so I know how to eat indulgent foods. When I found out about the two new flavors of Yoplait Delights Parfaits (Chocolate Éclair and Cherry Cheesecake) I knew the occasion called for the Ultimate Feminine Eating Method (UFEM). For those of you unfamiliar with the Method, the first thing you should know is that it requires a lot of smiling. And dancing. And spoons.

With the Chocolate Éclair Delights in hand, I curled up, barefoot, on the window seat in my sunlit, carefully-arranged, shabby chic living room to sample its dense, chocolate-y goodness. The velvety texture of the vanilla custard yogurt layered on top of the rich, dark chocolate yogurt base was sufficiently happiness-inducing, though it wasn’t really what I define as a parfait due to its lack of layering with other foods (e.g. fruit, granola). When I read the label and saw that my delicious and life-affirming snack was only 100 calories, I leapt to my feet to change into some tight, faded denim jeans so that I could prance wildly in front of my full-length mirror and pull my waistband away from my mid-section with glee.

The fact that it is scoop-able was also a plus for me because the Ultimate Feminine Eating Method dictates that I only indulge upon things I can eat with a spoon; it simplifies the Method’s standard of luxuriating in a food’s low-fat flavor by allowing you to suck on the spoon for 10 seconds in ecstasy while your eyes roll back in your head. But 10 seconds is all you get. Any longer, and you’re a big, fat pig, and no one will love you.

Still strictly adhering to the UFEM, I took the Cherry Cheesecake Delights to the shore for some impromptu, self-important beach yoga. With the sun’s rays blessing my energetic Virabhadrasana/Warrior II pose, I helped myself to a single spoonful. It wasn’t terrible, but the artificial cherry flavored yogurt left a lot to be desired, and the creamy, cheesecake-flavored base didn’t really taste like cheesecake. Believe me, I know what cheesecake tastes like. I’ve eaten the low-cal, sugar-free, spoonable, mini cheesecake bites offered by other lady-friendly snack lines, and you, sir, are no cheesecake.

Despite the Cherry Cheesecake Delights’ shortcomings, it earned a Method-certified, spoon-cleaning lick, and I suddenly felt compelled to abandon my Garudasana and launch into a series of slow-motion cartwheels in the sand, overcome by the sugariness of it all. Then I got dizzy and face-planted in a little kid’s sand castle. Eating a spoonful of food per day leaves you pretty weak. But I sure look great in my yoga outfit.

Yoplait Delights are like deluxe pudding cups (another food item that makes me want to salsa dance with a sexy, faceless stranger in a fancy dress while laughing my head off), and their texture is not too far off from that. They come in four ounce cups, perfect for hiding in one’s purse for ultimate deniability. The Ultimate Feminine Eating Method dictates that a lady must never be seen eating things in public. She must only consume food in private… and partake in a side-splitting laugh or two while doing that.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container/4.0 oz (113 grams) – Chocolate Éclair – 100 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 13 grams of sugar, 200 milligrams of potassium, and 9 grams of protein. Cherry Cheesecake – 100 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 180 milligrams of potassium, and 9 grams of protein.)

Item: Yoplait Delights Parfait (Chocolate Éclair and Cherry Cheesecake)
Price: $1.99 (on sale; regular price $3.79)
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Vons
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Chocolate Éclair)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Cherry Cheesecake)
Pros: Sexy faceless strangers. Chocolate Eclair was sufficiently happiness-inducing. 100 calories per serving. Spoons. Mirror dancing. Laughing alone with food.
Cons: Big, fat un-loveable pigs. Lack of adequate parfait layering. Cheesecake-flavored base didn’t really taste like cheesecake. Artificial cherry flavored yogurt left a lot to be desired. Snacking with a utensil while maintaining a standing yoga pose. Cheesecake impostors. Sand in your face. Eating in public.

Recently, my TIB boss expressed some concern regarding my arteries and the amount of insanely unhealthy food I eat and review. (I guess he thinks I actually eat healthy food when I’m not doing a review. Ha!)

Assuming he doesn’t want my untimely death on his conscience, I decided to pick up a pack of new Yoplait Splitz low fat yogurt. I chose Rainbow Sherbet, but there’s also Strawberry Sundae and Strawberry Banana Split to choose from. They’re obviously going for a nice “day at the ice cream store” theme, which I approve of wholeheartedly. I chose Rainbow Sherbet for two reasons:

1. I love sherbet, and I used to torture my family every birthday by demanding a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake with white cake and raspberry sherbet. I loved watching them all trying to pretend they enjoyed it, when I knew they were secretly cursing my birth and wishing I had just asked for a chocolate cake like a normal human being.

2. For the first, oh, 22 years of my life, I thought sherbet was spelled and pronounced “sherbert,” and I enjoy sharing embarrassing details like this about myself on the Internet.

I think Marvo will be pleased (and relieved) at my review product choice. It says right on the front of the package that it’s a good source of calcium and vitamin D, plus it has no artificial flavors or sweeteners AND no high fructose corn syrup! With only 90 calories and 1 gram of fat per cup, I don’t think I’ll be keeling over after eating this yogurt. As a matter of fact, it’s probably the healthiest thing I’ll eat all day.

You also may be tickled to know that Yoplait Splitz Rainbow Sherbet meets National Yogurt Association criteria for live and active culture yogurt. I like my yogurt’s culture live, active, and certified by an official-sounding organization. Nothing but the best for this reviewer.

It’s nice to know that there’s no artificial flavors, but I would like to know what the flavors in my Rainbow Sherbet yogurt actually are. If I remember correctly from my “sherbert”-eating days, rainbow sherbet usually contains raspberry and orange flavors, so that’s what I’m expecting here. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out to be strawberry, because hey, they’ve already got that flavor laying around from the other two flavors of Splitz. I will reserve my right to call Yoplait a bunch of lazy fucks until after I’ve tried it.

I find the idea of orange yogurt a little odd, but considering Yoplait already puts out flavors like Apple Turnover, Black Forest Cake and (oh!) Orange Crème, I shouldn’t be surprised. I remember as a kid having choices like “strawberry on the bottom” and “blueberry on the bottom” and, if I was lucky, “lemon.” Yogurt flavors, much like smart phone technology, have blown past me, leaving me shaking my cane at the diary section and yelling at Crème Caramel to get off my lawn.

Despite my geriatric yogurt palate, I actually liked the orange layer in Splitz Rainbow Sherbet. I attribute this to the fact that it actually tastes like orange sherbet. The orange flavor is strong but not overwhelming, and it’s sweet without being too sweet. You can definitely tell that it’s not loaded with artificial sweeteners because there’s no funky aftertaste. I think yogurt really lends itself to making sherbet-related flavors because both have that bit of tartness that cuts through the sweet, too.

Orange is okay, but, just like when I ate real rainbow sherbet, I was just plowing through it to get to the raspberry layer. As you can see by the picture, the raspberry on the bottom takes up more room than the orange on top, which is just fine by me. And yes, after careful consideration, I have decided that it is, indeed, raspberry, unless the natural tartness of the yogurt is being deceptive. Like the orange layer, the raspberry also brings the sherbet flavor in yogurt form. There’s a reason why yogurt used to be mostly berry-based flavors – they just seem to play well together, and this is no exception. I love me some raspberries, and while Splitz doesn’t exactly emulate the real thing, it comes close enough to satisfy.

All in all, the yogurt is smooth and creamy, and the flavors are robust without being overpowering. I usually prefer salty snacks over sweet, but the use of sugar as opposed to high fructose corn syrup or other artificial sweeteners gives Yoplait Splitz Rainbow Sherbet a clean sweetness, which was helped out by the tartness of the yogurt. I thought it really did capture the flavors of rainbow sherbet, but to be honest, yogurt has a lot of the same flavor profiles as sherbet, so it wasn’t that hard for Yoplait to skip from point A to point B.

I honestly had a hard time coming up with any complaints about this product, but I managed to find a few. First of all, the cup is a little undersized. At 3.25 ounces per cup, Splitz are almost half the size of a normal Yoplait container of yogurt, which weighs in at 6 ounces. There are more fingers on my hand than spoonfuls of yogurt in the cup.

Second, I decided to try it frozen. The front of the package commanded me to do so, and I always obey the demands of food packaging. After a good overnight freeze, I pulled it out and found it to be rock hard. I expected it to have the consistency of regular frozen yogurt, but it was trying to bend my spoon like it was Neo in The Matrix. Before my silverware became nothing more than a prop for my Strongest Woman Alive performance (Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at the National Comedy Theatre; no cover for the ladies after 10pm!), I let it thaw in the fridge, and by that I mean I put it in the fridge and forgot about it for six hours. Even after all that time, it was still pretty frozen, but I was able to pry out decent-sized spoonfuls.

My main problem with the frozen product was the texture. It did have a nice, ice crystal-like consistency similar to that of sherbet when it hit my tongue. However, unlike sherbet, which quickly melts into a flavorful liquid, the yogurt immediately went from sherbet mimic to regular, creamy yogurt. The transition was a bit unsettling. The flavors were still good, but I’m not used to food doing a phone booth texture change right inside my mouth. It was disappointing.

While it would be nice to have two great snack products in one cup, at least regular, refrigerated Yoplait Splitz Rainbow Sherbet is a small but tasty (and nutritious!) treat.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container (3.25 ounces), 90 calories, 5 calories from fat, 1 gram of total fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, , 140 milligrams of potassium, 17 grams of total carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugars, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium, 10% vitamin D and 10% phosphorus.)

Item: Yoplait Splitz Rainbow Sherbet Low Fat Yogurt
Price: $1.99 (on sale; normally $3.49)
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Yogurt conveyed sherbet flavor. Use of real sugar instead of HFCS or artificial sweeteners. Actually reviewing something healthy. Torturing family members. Flavors were tasty and distinct without being overpowering. My Strongest Woman Alive show.
Cons: Frozen product was texturally uncomfortable. “Sherbert.” Serving size is very small. Being out-of-date with yogurt flavors. Both Matrix sequels.

Over the years, I’ve reviewed a number of products meant for those whose vocabulary consists of a lot of gurgles and WAAAHHHHHHs. I don’t try them because of my fetish that involves wearing diapers, using regressed motor skills and vocabulary, and being treated like an infant, which some call paraphilic infantilism, while others call it “whatever floats my boat.” I review these products because if I don’t, the mommy review bloggers win.

Just kidding, mommy review bloggers. I love you guys. Now will one of you sling me over your shoulder and burp me.

I don’t remember what types of food my parents gave me as an infant. But if I don’t remember, it must’ve been either so bad that I’ve repressed any memories of them or most of it ended up in my bib instead of my mouth, which tends to happen nowadays when I’m being fed in my man-sized baby chair. Today, I believe babies eat better than I did when I was an actual baby and not when I role play as a baby and pretend to be excited by the jingling of keys in front of me.

Case in point, the new Gerber Simply Strawberry Yogurt Blends.

If I were a real baby, I’d make my parents pick this stuff up for me by using my limited motor skills to reach for it or cry when we pass by it at the grocery store. If I were a “baby,” I’d make my “parents” pick this stuff up by dropping subtle hints like saying “Pssss” and then pointing at it or writing it down on the list of things I’d like them to do while I’m pretending to be a baby.

Each container is about the size of a snack pack pudding cup and within it is a creamy and smooth yogurt with a pleasant mild strawberry flavor. Unlike most adult yogurts, there isn’t fruit on the bottom so there’s no need to stir, which makes it easier for whoever my “mommy” is. The yogurt gets its strawberry flavor via strawberry puree, juice concentrate and natural strawberry flavor.

It’s like a Yoplait Go-Gurt except in cup form and not as tart. It’s good enough that I’d probably eat it whenever I’m in or out of diapers. I think my adult taste buds like it because of the 11 grams of sugar in it, which makes it quite sweet. But I’m not sure if it’s good to feed that amount of sugar to an infant.

According to the label, it’s for children who are “sitters,” which means they sit independently, pick up and hold small objects in their hands and reach for food or a spoon when hungry. I didn’t know toddlers could be split up into groups like that. I guess it’ll be something new to try next time I’m in diapers.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container (3.5 ounces) – 100 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 160 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A and 20% calcium.)

Item: Gerber Simply Strawberry Yogurt Blends
Price: $3.50
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice strawberry flavor. Smooth and creamy. No artificial sweeteners. No refrigeration needed before opening. No artificial flavors. Good source of calcium. Jingling of keys. Made with whole milk and real fruit. No preservatives. Mommy review bloggers. My desire to dress up like a baby.
Cons: 11 grams of sugar. Getting more food on my bib than in my mouth. No chunks of real fruit. Getting into my man-sized baby chair. Trying to burp me. Food choices for babies born in the 1970s. My desire to dress up like a baby.

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

I guess covering Peeps completely in chocolate is the only way I can bite off their heads without feeling guilty since there’s no chance I’ll look into their eyes — which allows me to look into their souls. (via Candyblog)

A product with Twilight in its name that doesn’t have handsome vampires on its packaging? Blasphemy! Or as teenage girls would say…OMG! (via Jim’s Chocolate Mission)

Japan has a Chestnut Kit Kat which you don’t want to roast on an open fire. Unless it’s so shitty that you want to piss on its ashes. (via Jen Ken’s Kit Kat Blog)

Yoplait has a yogurt that tastes like red velvet cake. That’s fine and dandy. But how about they make a container that I can easily stick my tongue into. The lip of the container bends inwards, which makes it hard for me to French kiss this French yogurt. (via Gigi Reviews)

There are two Frosted Flakes. One is gr-r-reat and the other is gr-r-reat…if you like suing companies that totally rip you off. (via Second Rate Snacks)

The Yoplait Smoothie kits, or as I like to call them, Jamba Juice Action Playsets, allow normal folk, like you, me or your children, to walk and blend in the shoes of a Jamba Juice worker.

With a blender, a carton of skim milk and these Yoplait Smoothie kits, you can experience a day in the life of a Jamba Juice Jockey. Learn to yell loud enough so that patrons can hear you over the whirring and crushing of the powerful blenders, but without straining your vocal chords. Practice your blender container top throwing technique so that you can hit the sink each and every time without looking or hitting your fellow employees. Rehearse your speech to Jamba Juice virgins about the differences between the Sixteen, Original and Power sizes. Learn to hold your tongue when someone orders a Power-sized smoothie and not say, “Holy shit, do you REALLY need a Jamba Juice that big?”

Each Yoplait Smoothie package contains frozen chunks of fruit and yogurt, and it comes in three flavors: Triple Berry, Strawberry Banana and Strawberry Mango Pineapple. It doesn’t come in as many flavors as what’s found on a Jamba Juice menu board and you’re going to have to make your own boosts, but that’s as easy as crushing the pills you might have in your medicine cabinet. Crush a Flintstones tablet for a Daily Vitamin Boost, do the same to a No-Doze for an Energy Boost, or a birth control pill if you want to include the discontinued Femme Boost.

Making a Yoplait Smoothie is as simple as getting rid of your illegal drugs by flushing it down the toilet when the cops bust down your door. Just throw everything in there and watch it spin. After a minute or so in the blender, the cup of skim milk and the entire bag of frozen chunks of fruit and yogurt will turn into 16 ounces of smoothie goodness. Although, I must admit it wasn’t entirely smooth since my crappy $30 blender had trouble breaking down the frozen fruits entirely, so there were small bits in my smoothies.

You really can’t go wrong with any of the fruit combinations the Yoplait Smoothie comes in. All of them are quite good and I enjoyed them equally. The Triple Berry, made up of strawberries, blueberries and raspberries, had an almost candy-like flavor with the blueberries and raspberries standing out the most. The Strawberry Banana had a nice balance between the two fruits in it. Finally, the Strawberry Mango Pineapple had a great tropical flavor. While the fruits are tasty, what truly makes these smoothies really delicious are the frozen yogurt pieces, which gives them an added sweetness and flavor. But that shouldn’t be surprising because there are two things Yoplait is good at: cleverly adding a French word to the English vernacular and making tasty yogurt.

Each smoothie does have a very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste, thanks to the sucralose, but again, it’s very slight and you may not even notice it. Also, the Triple Berry has a lot of seeds, but I can’t blame Yoplait for that, only Mother Nature, or the botanists who haven’t been able to make seedless strawberries and raspberries.

Overall, the Yoplait Smoothie kits are easy to make, delicious and reasonably priced if you compare them with what you get at Jamba Juice. I see myself buying them on a regular basis so that I can have smoothie goodness whenever I want. And if I consume enough of them, I’ll have the skills to work at a Jamba Juice.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces prepared – Triple Berry – 110 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 20 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar and 1 gram of protein. Strawberry Banana – 110 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 1 gram of protein. Strawberry Mango Pineapple – 110 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 11 grams of sugar and 1 grams of protein.)

Item: Yoplait Smoothie (Triple Berry, Strawberry Banana and Strawberry Mango Pineapple)
Price: $3.00 each
Size: 7.6 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10 (for all flavors)
Pros: All flavors are delicious. Easy to make. Yogurt contains live and active cultures. Contains one serving of fruit. Has significantly less sugar than Jamba Juice smoothies. Reasonably priced.
Cons: Cheap ass blenders might have trouble blending it. Very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. Triple Berry flavor has a lot of seeds. Turbo-sized Jamba Juice. Femme Boost no longer available at Jamba Juice.

I highly doubt the Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait will truly give me any delight, because it competes with my love for puppies, NBC’s primetime comedy lineup on Thursdays, and my ability to masturbate. The last one I mentioned is the heavyweight champion because it doesn’t cost any money and I can pretty much do it anywhere, even without a Macy’s lingerie ad cut out from a newspaper.

But now that I think about it, Yoplait yogurt has always been marketed to women, so the Yoplait Delights Parfait isn’t meant for men, but is really meant for women, much like Secret deodorant and Mazda Miatas.

But if I think about it even more, Yoplait Delights Parfaits are intended for delicate women who like to be gently touched. How did I come up with this conclusion? Because Yoplait also has lines of yogurt called Whips! and Thick & Creamy, which sound like they’re meant for women who like it a bit rough.

The Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait comes in a pack of four 4-ounce cups, which are two ounces smaller than regular Yoplait yogurt containers. Each cup has two layers of yogurt filled with live and active cultures: a lemon-flavored yogurt on the bottom and a vanilla-flavored yogurt on top. Unlike most other Yoplait yogurts, there isn’t any fruit in the cup.

Separately, each flavor tastes decent, but when the two yogurt flavors are mixed together, it’s like Betty Crocker is baking a lemon cake in my mouth. It’s quite tasty and creamy, but I didn’t get any delight from it, unless you count the French kissing I did with the spoon to lick it clean.

While I may not have received any delight, I’m sure women who try the Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait might get a different result. So if you’re a woman and like lemon cake as much as I like puppies, 30 Rock and masturbation, you should get your hands on this product. While you’re doing that, I’ll be using my hands for something else.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container – 100 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 180 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium, 15% vitamin D, 10% phosphorus.)

(Gigi reviewed the Chocolate Raspberry version and so did We Rate Stuff.)

Item: Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 4-pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like lemon cake. Creamy. 100 calories per serving. Contains live and active cultures. Decent source of vitamin D and calcium. 30 Rock. Masturbation. Puppies.
Cons: Doesn’t give me delight. Smaller container than regular Yoplait yogurts. Doesn’t contain pieces of fruit. Men driving Mazda Miatas. Newspaper ink getting on my hands.