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Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix
When I first heard about the new Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix a few months ago, the first things that popped into my mind were, “Carbonated yogurt?” followed by “Oooh, I think that would perhaps make the perfect food sexual aid.”
Over the years I’ve dreamt of all the lickable food items I could use in the bedroom, but found a fault with each of them. Canned whipped cream…way overdone, thanks to the movie Varsity Blues. Peanut butter…smell isn’t arousing. McDonald’s BBQ Chicken McNuggets sauce…doesn’t taste well with body sweat. Melted chocolate…possible first degree burns. Pudding…a little too much sugar. Ice cubes…melts too easily. Mustard…too spicy. Ice cream…too cold, could cause frostbite. Nesquik powdered chocolate mix…takes too many licks to get it all and may cause irritation in certain areas. Maple syrup…too sticky. Thousand Island salad dressing…too chunky. Tabasco…doesn’t feel good on a nipple. Mayonnaise…too oily. Ranch dressing…not enough viscosity. Ketchup…it looks like blood.
Another problem with all of these items is how messy things can get. Many of these items slide down the body easily. Sure, it’s okay to get messy once in awhile, but having to wash your bed sheets EVERY NIGHT can get tiresome.
Fortunately, the plastic sheets I have from my mid-20s bedwetting phase would help with the cleanup, but I don’t like speed bumps whenever I make sweet, sweet lovin’ since I already have enough sexual speed bumps to worry about. Putting on a condom is a speed bump. Putting leather masks on each other is another speed bump. Fishing pubic hairs out of my mouth is another speed bump. So in the heat of passion, I just don’t have the time to put on plastic sheets.
The Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix’s carbonation and ability to stay on the body are the major reasons why I think it would make a great food sexual aid. I also like it because it’s cold and comes in an easy-to-apply-to-the-body tube form with a top that can easily be ripped off with my teeth. The Fizzix is also good for you, being that it’s healthier than any of the things I listed above. Get some potassium while licking it off an ass for fun. Or get some Vitamin D while you’re sucking it off of some D cups.
I thought the carbonation of the Fizzix would add a little tingle if applied to nipples, inner thighs, lips, a forehead, or armpit, but after applying it to my nipple, the only sensation I could feel was the coldness of the yogurt and none of the fizzing. In my mouth, I could feel the carbonation, but it was weaker than I expected. It’s significantly less fizzy than a regular soda.
Each box of Fizzix comes with eight 2.25-ounce tubes in two flavors. I tried the Strawberry Lemonade Jolt and Wild Cherry Zing. Both flavors tasted sweeter and less healthy than the usual Yoplait yogurt in the six-ounce cups. The cherry flavor was good and wasn’t too tart, while the more sweet than sour strawberry lemonade was my favorite between the two. With these being marketed to kids, I can understand why it’s sweeter than normal yogurt. There aren’t any fruit chunks in it, which is good because having fruit chunks in certain body crevices isn’t fun.
I guess the Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix isn’t the great food sexual aid I thought it would be since the carbonation didn’t add any tingle to my skin, but nonetheless, it is good and I will add it to the top of my repertoire. It’s cold, won’t slide off the body easily, can be licked clean without too much effort, and it tastes good, although you can also get that with regular Yoplait Go-Gurt.
However, it’s hard to truly determine the effectiveness of the Fizzix’s carbonation until I use it in action, but unfortunately I can’t test it, since I’m single, I can’t reach my nipples with my tongue, and I don’t have a dog who will lick anything.
(Nutritional Facts – 1 tube – 80 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 100 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbs, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6 percent RDA of Vitamin A, 10 percent RDA of calcium, 6 percent RDA of Vitamin D, 4 percent RDA of riboflavin, 6 percent RDA of phosphorus, and 100 grams of sexual kinkiness.)
(Editor’s Note: Here are two more Fizzix reviews if you need more of a Fizzix review fix. Gigi Reviews and Cheap Eats.)
Item: Yoplait GoGurt Fizzix
Price: $3.39
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Both flavors were good, but the Strawberry Lemonade Jolt was better. Sweeter than regular healthy yogurt. Doesn’t slide off of the body easily. Can easily be licked clean off the body. Plastic sheets for messy lovemaking session. Tube form with rip top makes it easy to apply to the body in the heat of passion.
Cons: Carbonation not as strong as I hoped. No tingling sensation on the body. Inability to reach my nipples with my tongue. Fruit chunks ending up in body crevices. Plastic sheets for mid-20s bedwetting phase. Sexual speed bumps.
Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie
The Impulsive Buy has reviewed a couple of yogurt smoothies over the past couple of months: The Yoplait Nouriche and the Dannon Frusion. Both of them were good, but if you read the nutritional information, you will notice each product has enough carbs and sugar to cause the late Dr. Atkins to un-cremate his body and scold your carb-craving fat ass.
If that whole coming back to life by un-cremation were possible, the zombie Dr. Atkins would probably recommend the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie. He would also try to eat your brains, because he’s a zombie and it’s protein.
While chewing on your cerebellum, he would probably tell you that the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie is low in carbs, low in sugar, low in fat, low in calories, and has more protein than the Yoplait Nouriche, Dannon Frusion, and your brain stem. Also, he might brag about the fact his name in prominently on the bottle a couple of times.
Unfortunately, the zombie Dr. Atkins probably wouldn’t mention the fact that the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie tastes much worse than the Nouriche and Frusion, but slightly better than the frontal lobe he’s chewing on.
The texture of it was kind of chalky, and yes I did remember to shake well. I guess I should’ve expected this, after all it is “lowfat.”
Now boys and girls, to avoid selecting crappy products while you’re shopping, it’s very important to remember this fun and simple equation:
LCarb + LS + LF + LCal = CRAP
(Low Carbs + Low Sugar + Low Fat + Low Calories = Cruddy Repulsive Attempt at a Product)
If you’re trying to reduce your carbohydrates intake, this is a great product with only 4 grams of carbs, but that’s all it’s got going for it.
Item: Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie
Purchase Price: $2.39 (on sale)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Low carbs. Low sugar. Low fat. Low calories.
Cons: Low carbs. Low sugar. Low fat. Low calories. Low taste. Low desire to buy another.
REVIEW: Yoplait Nouriche
I have this “thing” about anything that is strawberry-banana flavored. Ever since I mixed strawberry and banana Slurpees, I’ve been hooked to the sweet, delightful taste of it. I’ve enjoyed strawberry-banana Starbursts, strawberry-banana Jello, strawberry-banana yogurt, mixed strawberry and banana jellybeans, and I’ve even put on strawberry-banana flavored condoms.
So I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to try a strawberry-banana Yoplait Nouriche breakfast smoothie, since it was on sale. However, from the beginning I had a problem with the product. How to you pronounce nouriche?
I remember having the same problem when I first saw Yoplait yogurt. I went around calling it “yo-plate yogurt.” Of course, this was wrong because of those crazy French, who made the “t” silent.
Yoplait is a French word, right?
So is it pronounced, “nourish” with a silent “e”? Or is pronounced like “new-richie”?
Nouriche is a French word, right?
Anyway, after I walked around a supermarket, waited in a long checkout line, carried my groceries to my car, drove home, took my groceries out of my car, fumbled with my keys, opened the door, and put away my groceries, I felt like I needed a Nouriche, but not until I took off its tamper-proof plastic cap, ripped off its tamper-proof protective seal, read “Shake Well” on the bottle, put its tamper-proof plastic cap back on, shook it well, and took its tamper-proof plastic cap off again.
The front of the label proudly states it has 20 vitamins and minerals, plus 10 grams of protein. However, the number that stood out on the back of the label was the 60 grams of total carbohydrates, which is enough carbs to make the late Dr. Atkins roll over in his grave.
Another number that stood out was the 46 grams of sugar. With more sugar than a can of Pepsi or Coke, I definitely know you shouldn’t feed this to hyperactive children, like myself.
Thank glucose, there’s a light version of Nouriche. I wish I knew that before I drank it and rearranged all the furniture in the apartment.
Overall, Nouriche was quite nourishing. (Get it? Nouriche and nourishing?) It’s basically yogurt in a bottle: creamy, sweet, and a little tangy. The two dollars I paid for it was worth it, but definitely not worth the regular price of four dollars.
Product: Yoplait Nouriche
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Delicious, creamy, sweet, and nourishing.
Cons: It’s hard to drink something I can’t pronounce and that makes me bounce off the walls. Can be expensive, if bought at regular price, unless you’re filthy rich.
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Written by Marvo | October 7, 2007
Topics: 3 Rating, Snacks, Yogurt, Yoplait