Saint Patrickâ€™s Day is one of those â€œnot-really-a-holidayâ€ holidays. Itâ€™s like Flag Day. You donâ€™t get the day off, the malls are open, the mail is delivered, and street parking isnâ€™t free. Itâ€™s like, um, a normal Monday…thru Friday.
Although, if you get smashed enough on Saint Patrickâ€™s Day, you can call in sick the next day, which is sort of like a real holiday, except with aspirin and dry heaves.
Despite Saint Patrickâ€™s Day being a â€œnot-really-a-holidayâ€ holiday, there are a lot of great things about it, like you donâ€™t need to buy gifts for anyone, donâ€™t need to attend dysfunctional family dinners, donâ€™t need to spend $100 on flowers, donâ€™t need to buy some lame greeting card, and hookers look a lot better, due to beer goggles.
Of course, Saint Patrickâ€™s Day is the best day to get drunk, because alcohol is cheap, plentiful, and sometimes green.
So whatâ€™s the second best day to get drunk?
Any other day.
So in honor of Saint Patrickâ€™s Day and the possibility that I might not have a review for you tomorrow due to a hangover, I wrote a poem about Saint Patrickâ€™s Day. (No, I did not write it drunk) It goes a little something like this:
The Saint Patrick’s Day Poem
Top of the morning to you all and Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.
I hope you’re dressed in green, or you’ll get pinched right away.
It’s time to get rowdy and it’s time to get drunk.
You should start in the morning, when things are usually rough.
Forget the wine, champagne, light and nonalcoholic beer.
Hard liquor and real beer is essential for this time of year.
So get yourself a drink, or maybe two, three, four or five.
Make sure you have a designated driver to get you home alive.
So head to the nearest bar and let the drinking begin.
Start yourself off with something like a tonic and gin.
Chug a screwdriver because you need your OJ in the morning.
Don’t drink with an empty stomach, this is just a warning.
Have a few glasses of Guinness, which is blacker than coal.
Or have a shot of whiskey, if getting drunk is your goal.
If you’re drunk by now, consider yourself a lightweight.
If not, have some more and see how much you can take.
Have a drink with your friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam,
and remember it’s illegal to buy liquor for a teen.
Get a margarita if thatâ€™s what you really like.
Get one the size of a kiddie pool, you can drink it all night.
Order a Scotch and make sure it’s on the rocks.
Too much alcohol makes an ulgy person look like a fox.
Tank a few bottles of Foster’s without any fear,
and remember that Foster’s is Australian for beer.
Now if you’re Irish, you’re probably still quite sober yet,
but if you’re Asian, you’re probably redder than an apple can get.
Take a shot of a German Death and a Harley Davidson.
They both go down really hard like NyQuil medicine.
Have a shot of tequila with a wedge of lime and some salt.
If you swallow the worm itâ€™s really your own drunken fault.
Sip on a really dry martini with an olive in a glass.
Have it shaken not stirred, like James Bond, a man with class.
To wash that all down order yourself a vodka and tonic,
and if you start seeing leprechauns, consider yourself an alcoholic.
Well whether you’re passed out, throwing up, or okay.
I wish you all a safe, fun, and happy Saint Patrick’s Day.
Item: Saint Patrickâ€™s Day
Purchase Price: FREE (alcohol not included)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Donâ€™t need to buy gifts for anyone. Mail is still delivered. Green beer. Hookers look better.
Cons: Donâ€™t get the day off. Possible beer goggle situations. Getting pinched for not wearing green.