Tony the Tiger, why have you turned into such a pussy…cat?
Have you sold out? Have you been pressured by consumer groups who think your cereals are fattening children? Is someone trying to blackmail you with a sex tape of you with a hippopotamus? Or are they blackmailing you with a secret, like youâ€™re actually a zebra with extensive plastic surgery?
Geez, itâ€™s not like youâ€™re the only cereal spokesperson who has secrets. For example, Toucan Sam is gay. Why do you think they call it Froot Loops? Itâ€™s definitely not because of the fruity flavors.
Then thereâ€™s the Trix Rabbit, who was a kinky, cross-dressing, role-playing prostitute, before he got the Trix gig. He could fulfill anyoneâ€™s fantasy…for the right price. Why do you think heâ€™s so good with disguises?
Whatever it was, at least tell me why you have unleashed your â€œlightly sweetenedâ€ Tiger Power cereal upon the masses?
Fiber, calcium, and protein? Whatever happened to sugar, sugar, and sugar? Itâ€™s worked for you in the past. Youâ€™re the man…ur…zebra…ur…tiger that brought us such wonderful, sweet cereals as Tonyâ€™s Cinnamon Crunchers, Banana Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Frosted Flakes, and the original Frosted Flakes.
Okay, actually, Tonyâ€™s Cinnamon Crunchers sucked big time.
However, this Tiger Power sucked even more. It was so bland, itâ€™s like you purposely wanted it to taste like fiber, calcium, and protein. Although it didnâ€™t take away the title of Worldâ€™s Worst Tasting Cereal from the Carb Well cereal I tried a few months ago.
Despite the bland taste, I was hoping I could somehow make the cereal edible. I didnâ€™t want to give up on you and your Tiger Power cereal, as quickly as that 7:30 a.m. accounting class during my freshman year in college, because I owe you and Frosted Flakes a lot for providing me the energy in elementary school to survive until recess.
The first thing I tried to do to make Tiger Power edible was add sugar…lots of sugar. Unfortunately, I realized that it wasnâ€™t working too well and I was probably killing my liver.
I then tried chocolate milk, which helped a lot with the taste, but in the end I still think Tiger Power sucks.
Oh, Tony the Tiger. You have claws, stripes, and, apparently, really big balls, because you had the courage to release a crappy cereal, which probably ruined your reputation as a Sugar Daddy.
Iâ€™m so disappointed in you.
(Editorâ€™s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review of this cereal, go read their review here.)
Item: Kelloggâ€™s Tiger Power
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Fiber. Protein. Calcium.
Cons: Bland. Bland. Bland. I no longer believe in Tony the Tiger.